


This is Our Songbook

by Fangirling_FTW



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bottom Cas, Bottom Dean, Castiel Has Patience, Coming Out, Dean Has Commitment Issues, Dean Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean-Centric, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Inspired by Music, Intervention, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Drug Addiction, Past Sibling abuse, Past/ referenced self harm, Slow Build, The slowest, Top Cas, Top Dean, Verbal Abuse, switch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 130,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4376804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirling_FTW/pseuds/Fangirling_FTW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone always leaves Dean.  No matter how hard he tries, one after the other they all leave.  He knows nothing short of a miracle will keep someone with him.  He meets Castiel by chance, and suddenly he's desperate to hold onto one of the only good things in his life.  Little does he know Castiel is carrying some heavy baggage of his own, baggage he needs Dean to help him carry.<br/>~<br/>Every chapter has a song, something to put you in both Dean's head space and into the situation.  I listen to songs while I write and this time I thought I would post what I was listening to for my readers!<br/>~<br/>**Warning**A lot of drinking, some referenced drug use, and I'll make sure if there's anything darker I will post trigger warnings at the beginning of the chapter!<br/>~<br/>Please leave comments!  I read every single one, and am more than willing to listen to any and all criticism, good or bad.  Your feedback is fuel for my creative juices!! XD</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crawling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For every song I will post a link to the youtube lyric video. I have a wide variety of music I listen to, it should keep you guys on your toes!! Enjoy!!
> 
> BETA'D: Small changes, omitted some stuff, rearranged some others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crawling- Linkin Park  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n6jN330vfU
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> Crawling in my skin  
> These wounds they will not heal  
> Fear is how I fall  
> Confusing what is real
> 
> There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
> Consuming, confusing  
> This lack of self-control I fear is never ending  
> Controlling. I can't seem...
> 
> [Bridge:]  
> To find myself again  
> My walls are closing in  
> (without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
> I've felt this way before  
> So insecure
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me  
> Distracting, reacting  
> Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
> It's haunting how I can't seem...
> 
> [Bridge]  
> [Chorus]  
> [Chorus]
> 
> There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming,  
> Confusing what is real.  
> This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling,  
> Confusing what is real.

Dean woke up slowly, cuddled up to an empty whiskey bottle and nursing one of the worst headaches he'd had in a long time. He managed to blink open an eye, wincing at the sunlight streaming in through his window. He was in his own bed, alone, and his bed wasn't covered in vomit, so bonus points for drunk Dean last night. He sat up slowly, groaning as the pounding in his head was overpowered by the bad taste in his mouth, the alcohol stale on his breath. He was half dressed in the clothes he wore last night, his boots laying in the center of his floor, jeans halfway down his ass and one arm through the sleeve of his t-shirt. Pulling them off he climbed out of bed, heading into the bathroom to empty his overfilled bladder and turned the shower to scalding. He heard his phone ring, but there was no way he was talking to anyone until he had a couple cups of coffee. He stepped under the hot water in the walk in shower, adjusting the massaging shower head to a higher pressure and moaning as it cascaded down his back and shoulders. The steam seemed to seep into his head, soothing the pounding drums behind his eyes. He washed slowly, so slow the shower eventually ran out of hot water and he was forced to get out. He shaved and brushed his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror.

Well, aside from the tired look in his green eyes, he looked human again. It was the tail end of summer, his hair was closer to blonde than normal, and his freckles had returned to prominence across the bridge of his nose. He rubbed at them absently, like it would make them go away. His adopted kid sister, Charlie, would coo about them being Dean's best feature, but they made him feel too innocent. A person like him shouldn't have any “adorable” features. He glanced down at the tattoo he had acquired on one of those drunken binges. Just above his left pectoral there was a pentagram in a circle of flames, about the size of his palm. He often wondered what was going on in his head when it happened. The night was still a black blur, but at least the single tattoo was the only souvenir, good or bad, he had collected over the years.

This was the seventh day in a row he had passed out drunk. The seventh day since his Uncle Bobby had died. He wasn't his uncle by blood, but Bobby had been twice the father to Dean and his brother Sam than his own Dad ever was, and the only constant in his life since his father had died almost 8 years ago.

Now he had to say goodbye to Bobby, too.

He turned from his reflection, walking out of the bathroom, pulling on some clothes that smelled clean enough. He navigated the various piles of clothes and trash on his floor, making his way out to the kitchen. His whole apartment was a mess, take out boxes and empty beer bottles mixed in with laundry and other such clutter, but he knew eventually Charlie would show up, chew him out for living like this, and clean it all for him. She was always cleaning up his messes.

He brewed some coffee, becoming more human as the aroma filled the kitchen.He poured himself a cup, black, downing it as fast as the hot liquid would allow, and poured himself another before walking back to his room to retrieve his phone. Yup, Sam had called, probably just to make sure Dean was alive and mobile. He gulped down his second cup, shooting him a quick text to confirm he was still breathing, then poured a third cup of coffee, finally starting to feel normal again. He found some leftover pizza in the fridge and ate it cold, steeling himself for the day ahead.

He had to deal with life today, had to leave his trashed apartment and socialize, and the prospect was daunting. Bobby's will was being read today, and Sam, his fancy lawyer brother, wanted Dean present. He allowed himself a small smile, glad that out of everything he'd done in his messed up life, he had managed not to screw up Sam. His brother had just finished law school, while Dean had barely managed a GED, just scraping by enough so Bobby could hire him at his hunting goods store, Singer's Supplies, where Dean had been ever since. Dean had given up everything for Sam, but he didn't regret it one bit. Hell, he'd practically raised him, with Bobby's help, after their Dad had left them behind. To see Sam so happy and successful was one of the few good things in Dean's life, and he clung to it tightly. His phone rang again and this time he answered.

“Speak of the devil,” he said, his voice only sounding a bit rougher than usual.

“Funny, Dean. Are you okay to drive or should I come get you?” Sam asked.

“I'm okay to drive, Sam. Last night wasn't too bad.” A short silence.

“I get it, Dean. I do.” The sympathy in Sam's voice made Dean smile.

“Yeah, Sammy.” That was it, those two short sentences translated from Winchester to regular human basically said everything that needed said, about Bobby's death, about the two of them being okay, about being there for each other. John Winchester's sons didn't talk about their feelings.

“Okay, I'll meet you there at 2pm.” Sam said.

“Okay,” Dean got off the phone. That gave him about an hour and a half before he had to be downtown. He stood in his apartment for a few moments looking at the mess, debating if he should start to clean. He shrugged on a jacket and left instead.

His 1967 Chevy Impala he had built from scratch was waiting in the parking spot assigned to his apartment number. As he sank into the leather seat a smile spread across his lips. This car, his Baby, this was where Dean truly felt at home. It was the only place he felt he truly belonged, feeling the purr of the engine through his boots, the leather against his hands as he stroked the steering wheel fondly. He knew every inch of this car, inside and out, all its little kinks and quirks, and he found comfort in it. He pulled out of the parking lot and drove, no real destination in mind, but feeling the wind through the open window ruffle his hair was soothing, and his headache finally faded away for good. He drove around aimlessly to waste the hour and eventually wound up at the small law office Sam was working at.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself and walking inside. It all felt too stuffy for him, too official and he felt out of place in his leather jacket and old jeans. Still, when Sam saw him and wrapped him up in a bear hug he decided he could tough it out for a while, for Sam. Sam's face was sympathetic, his eyes going full on puppy dog, so Dean felt obligated to make a joke.

“Look, Sam, just two minutes with some clippers, that's all I ask...” His brother's hair was the envy of most women in their small town, long enough to touch his shoulders, and Dean never stopped giving him crap for it.

“I like it,” a beautiful tanned woman said, walking up and latching onto Sam's arm, waves of blonde hair falling over her shoulders.

“She is still out of your league,” Dean sighed as Sam's girlfriend, Jessica, walked forward to give Dean a hug. They had met the year Sam started law school and had gotten pretty serious a year after that. So serious she got a job at the local hospital after getting her nursing degree just to be close to Sam. Dean knew they were considering moving in together, not that Sam had told him outright, but he knew his brother well enough to read the signs. He watched Jess fussing with Sam's tie, and Dean felt the smallest twinge of jealousy. He could see his brother settling down someday, starting a family with Jess. Sam would be a good father, he had the patience and the kindness their own Dad had lacked.

Dean knew he wasn't family material.

“Sorry I'm late!” Charlie came rushing in the office, laptop bag swinging from her hip, red hair all over the place. Dean gave her a small smile and wrapped her up in his arms, squeezing tightly.

“You're always late,” he pointed out, and she punched him in the arm.

“Hey, you're one to talk,” she sighed. Charlie had wound up at Bobby's house one night after running away from child services almost ten years ago. Her mom had just died of cancer, and at 14, Charlie was left with no one. She had been sneaking across Bobby's property when it started storming, and she was forced to ask for shelter. Bobby, being the kind heart he was, arranged for her to be fostered by Dean's own second mother, Ellen, who also had a teenage daughter named Jo. Dean and Charlie had grown very close, gaming together, and generally getting into mischief. Dean mussed her red hair fondly, looking around. Everyone who was family to Dean was here in the room, and he rubbed at the emotion starting to show in the corner of his eye.

“Shall we get started?” Sam's partner, Garth asked peeking around the door to his office. The kid was lanky, and nerdy, but he had a sharp mind and as much as Dean didn't want to admit it, he kind of liked the strange man. Not to mention he gave Sam a chance just out of law school, and anyone who was good to Sam was good in Dean's book. Dean's attention drifted as all the formalities and legal crap was sifted through, he just wanted this to be over so they could move on, one final step before Bobby was finally at rest. He felt Charlie's arm slip through his, a comforting gesture and he started to pay attention again.

“Okay, there's three items in the will. First, to Sam,” Dean watched his brother's jaw clench. “He leaves his library, he knows you were always sneaking downstairs to read every night.” Sam's eyes clouded with tears, and Jessica wrapped an arm around him. Bobby may have been a gruff, drunken, redneck, but he had acquired an awesome collection of books on just about any topic over his lifetime, and Sam was the biggest bookworm Dean had ever met. “To Charlie, he leaves his katana collection. Just don't take them LARPing.” Charlie was shaking against Dean, tears running down her face.

“Those are worth... oh dear god...” she whispered. Dean wrapped an arm around her, kissing the top of her forehead.

“Can't think of anyone who'll take better care of them.” He pointed out. She smiled at him through her tears. His heart started to beat heavier now, it was down to the last thing Bobby would ever indirectly say to Dean, the last time he would hear from the man he called a father. He waited, hardly breathing for Garth to start talking again.

“To Dean, you've put so much of your heart and soul into making sure everyone else has what they need, it's time to focus on what you need. I'm leaving you the shop.” Dean blinked. The shop?? Bobby's friend Rufus practically ran the place with Bobby, surely he should get it? Dean didn't deserve something like this, this responsibility, this...it was too much.

“Are you okay?” Charlie asked quietly. Dean just nodded absently, clearing his throat, trying not to sound as panicked as he was feeling.

“Yeah, just a little surprised,” he said. Understatement of the century. Sam's hand gripped his shoulder, the gesture was meant to comfort Dean, but he could hardly feel it. His whole body had gone numb, his inability to process what had just happened the only reason he was able to stand when everyone else did. Garth poured them each a shot from the brandy behind his desk. They all raised them in unison.

“To Bobby.” Dean downed his, ignoring the burn of the alcohol in his throat. He stares at the empty cup for a while, trying to anchor back onto reality. He feels the room growing smaller around him, and his pulse is starting to pick up, so he forces himself to breathe evenly, trying to head off a panic. He didn't realize he was being spoken to until Sam waved a hand in front of his face.

“Did you hear a word I said?” Sam sighed. Dean focused in on his brother, still forcing his breathing to stay even. “Dean? You okay?” He was using Sam's face and voice to bring him back to himself, and after a moment or two, he was finally able to speak.

“Sorry, Sam, just a little, you know.” Sam continued on, oblivious to his brother's small freak out. Dean didn't know whether he was relieved or disappointed.

“I said Garth's just got a couple of forms for you to fill out to make all this official, but we can do that later.” Dean nods, following Sam as they walked out of Garth's office. Once they were out in the daylight, the pressure on Dean's chest subsided slightly. Sam placed a hand on Dean's shoulder again, giving him a big toothy grin.

“So, look at you, your own boss now,” he said. Dean shrugged.

“I don't know, Sam. It's not me.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets, looking anywhere but at Sam. “I'm not really the manager type.”

“Come on, you deserve a little something for yourself.” Sam insisted.

“I don't deserve anything,” he said quickly, wincing at how bitter it sounded. He usually didn't act like this around Sam, he tried to keep the self pity to himself, but his freak out had shaken him.

“Dean, you know that's not true,” Sam said quietly, his smile fading slightly. “I made it this far only because you got me here.”

“Sam...” He took a deep breath, glancing at Jess, seeing in his mind's eye her and Sam getting married, having a family... Dean all alone... “I guess I'm just not able to see it.” Sam opened his mouth to speak but the girls walked back over, cutting off their conversation.

“Any plans tonight?” Charlie asks, “I thought maybe we could do dinner? Thia's not working tonight, she wanted to make something for you guys.” Charlie's eyes are puffy, but she's hitched a genuine smile onto her face. It makes Dean feel worse.

“Sounds good, we'll be there,” Sam says, wrapping an arm around Jess and pressing a kiss into her temple. Charlie looks at Dean expectantly, but he shakes his head, and her smile fades.

“Sorry, Charlie, I don't think I'm up for it,” he said softly. He ignores the look she exchanged with Sam. Dean knew that look, and he hated that look. The 'Dean's going to get drunk we should stop him' look. Sam sets his jaw and doesn't say anything, so Charlie shrugs.

“Alright, Dean. Let me know if you change your mind.”

He went through the motions of saying goodbye to everyone, his face a mask. It was only when he had driven to one of his usual hangouts, a dingy bar called Alcazar on the edge of town, that he really wrapped his head around the fact that he owned a business.

He had been content with his place in life, working for his Dad, then working for Bobby. He always figured he'd just be the grunt working for other men, and he was okay with that.

If there was anything his Dad had taught him, it was how to be a good soldier and follow orders, the ex marine imparting those values onto his sons. His Dad didn't play ball with his sons, didn't take them to see games, to hang out. He raised them to survive, and Dean wondered if it was because he knew one day he wouldn't be there, if he was just waiting to die and wanted to make sure his boys could take care of themselves. Dean wondered what might have happened if they hadn't met Bobby, if their Dad hadn't trusted him enough to leave the boys behind.

No, not today. He's not going there today.

He physically shook the thoughts out of his mind, and made his way into the bar, relieved his friend Benny was bartending that night. Benny was burly, scruffy, and generally a smart ass, but his southern charm helped soften his gruff exterior. Benny knew Dean well enough to know he wasn't the talking type. He would let Dean talk as much as Dean was going to and not bother him after that. He also knew just how much to let Dean have before sending him home, and Dean's hangovers weren't as bad when Benny was there. He felt some shame at the thought, but still sat in his customary spot, and the whiskey appeared before he even asked.

“Looks like you've had a day,” Benny said, slicing some limes. Dean downed the shot.

“Bobby left me the shop,” he said quietly, examining the empty shot glass. Benny set down his knife, leaning on the bar in front of Dean.

“And that's a bad thing, how?” Benny asked in his creole drawl, pouring him another shot. Dean downed it and shrugged, not saying anything else and Benny took the hint, moving off to serve others. He stayed focused on the bar, only moving when Benny refilled his glass. His mind empty but for one thought: Bobby was gone, and he'd left Dean with a load of responsibility Dean never wanted.

Some time later, Dean had managed to drink himself to a mild buzz when Charlie and her girlfriend Dorothy, or Thia as she preferred to be called, walked up to the bar. The two of them couldn't have seemed like bigger opposites, Charlie was chaotic in appearance and demeanor, and Thia was well kept, to the point, and had a resting bitch face to match. Yet they'd been together for almost two years now, finding a balance in each other. Dean grunted as he felt a jab in his shoulder.

“I thought you might be here,” Charlie said, sitting on the stool next to Dean. “Have you been in here the entire 5 hours?” she asked. He shrugged.

“Must've,” was all he said. She sighed, looking like she wanted to say something else. Dean was in no mood for an intervention that night, not after the reading of the will. Lucky for Dean, Benny walked up and Charlie let the moment go.

“Anything, Charlie?” Benny asked. She shook her head.

“Thanks, but I'm just here for Dean's keys,” she said. Benny nodded, leaving Dean another shot and walking off. Dean downed the shot and pulled his keys for the Impala out of his pocket.

“No joyriding,” he mumbled. This was a regular occurrence for them, enough that Dean knew he could trust Charlie with his Baby. She would drive the Impala to Dean's and Thia would follow behind to take Charlie home after, a sort of unspoken tradition after someone had keyed the Impala when Dean left her behind a couple years ago. He had pitched an epic fit after, and swore he would never leave Baby so vulnerable ever again. Charlie had said something that day about not getting so drunk he couldn't drive home, but Dean ignored her and she hadn't mentioned it again.

“Hey, take it easy, okay?” Charlie said as she palmed his keys, placing a hand softly on his shoulder. He nodded and she stood to go.

“Hey, Charlie.” She pauses and turns to look at him. “Thanks.” He managed a small smile, and he saw her translating his Winchester talk, kissing his cheek.

“You're like a brother to me, you know that. Whatever you need, I'm here.” she took Thia's hand and they left Dean to his next shot of whiskey.

 

He woke up in his clothes on top of his bed, still smelling like whiskey and bar, his buzz still hanging on. He peered at the clock through blurry eyes, and found it was only 3am. He must have been cut off early by Benny that night, which was probably a good thing he reasoned, he had started early in the afternoon. He stripped out of his smelly clothes, climbing naked under his sheets, the soft cotton soothing against the leftover warmth from the alcohol. He laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, his brain humming.

It was done, Bobby was officially gone.

Dean'll just add him to his list.

He'd lost anyone he considered a parent, lost everyone he'd ever been in a relationship with. He had almost lost Sam, too. He shuddered, still remembering the helpless feeling watching Sam lying in that hospital bed, pale and drawn... He grunts turning over on his side. That was Dean's lot in life, everyone left him eventually, he'd gotten used to it. It's probably the root of his strong tendency to be drunk off his ass, when he was boozed up he didn't remember he was worthless. Eventually he drifted off to sleep again, and though his dreams were unpleasant, the alcohol kept him from remembering them in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to this crazy ride!! Leave me some comments, I love hearing what everyone thinks!!


	2. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you can get through these first couple chapters I promise it gets better!! 
> 
> Beta'd and fixed a few things!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changes- 3 Doors Down  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srlUuVVhCek
> 
> I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am  
> I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands  
> I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs  
> There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb  
> I try to hold this under control  
> They can't help me 'cause no one knows
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> Now I'm going through changes, changes  
> God, I feel so frustrated lately  
> When I get suffocated, save me  
> Now I'm going through changes, changes
> 
> I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone  
> Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone  
> I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn  
> It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world  
> I try to hold this under control  
> They can't help me 'cause no one knows
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> I'm blind and shakin'  
> Bound and breaking  
> I hope I make it through all these changes
> 
> Now I'm going through changes, changes  
> God, I feel so frustrated lately  
> When I get suffocated, save me  
> Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it
> 
> But I'm going through changes, changes  
> God, I feel so frustrated lately  
> And I get suffocated, I hate this  
> But I'm going through changes, changes

Dean had taken the weekend, just two days to indulge himself before he had to return to Singer's Supplies for work on Monday. He kept the drinking to bare minimum on Sunday night, knowing that Monday morning he'd have to be aware enough to get his bearings on his new job.

He snoozed his alarm as long as possible, trying to convince himself that all he needed was five more minutes of sleep and he'd be ready to face the day. Finally crawling out of bed at the last possible minute, he showered and made himself presentable, putting on his best game face. He walked down to his car, climbing in and taking one last deep breath before starting the engine, leaving his apartment for the short drive to the store. He parked in the lot and sat in his car for a few minutes, making himself breathe evenly, trying not to let the panic sink in. This would be the first time he'd step foot in the store, and it would be his store. Sam had brought him all the papers and what not that needed sorted, walking Dean through the legal side of things. Luckily, Sam did most of the work for him, he just had to sign on the dotted line, but it was still just words on paper until this moment. He gripped the steering wheel like a life line, until a knock on the window nearly scared him to death.

“You just gonna sit there all day?” Rufus, Bobby's business partner, was standing outside his car, two coffees in his hands. His permanent scowl and frown couldn't hide the mischievous shine behind his eyes, though, and it almost made Dean smile. Dean sighed and got out of the Impala, glancing up at the store. It was due for another paint job, but the storefront was well kept, all the lights were working and the sign above the door proudly spelled out “Singer's Supplies”. Overall it was downright respectable.

“Well, I'm here.” Dean sighed. He took the offered coffee, wincing at how strong Rufus made it.

“So you're big man on campus now,” Rufus said, looking up at the shop Dean had practically come of age in. His normally dark skin was extra grimey, probably from getting some reorganizing done in the store that morning so Dean could relax on his first day back, and Dean felt slightly guilty.

“Guess so.” He took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Listen, Rufus...”

“What? Gonna give me some speech about how I deserve this more than you?” Dean blinked and the older man gave a sharp laugh, patting Dean on the shoulder. “I'm old, Dean, I'm looking at retiring in a few years, and then who's going to take over? Oh, that'd be you.” He walked away, unlocking the door and walking inside. Dean took a deep breath. He had to admit Rufus had a point, but it didn't mean he had to like it. He walked up to the door, pausing to glance at a small picture of Bobby people had been leaving notes on. He forgot sometimes that Bobby had been a big part of the community, and he meant a great deal to people other than him and his brother.

He walked into the shop, locking the door behind him and heading towards the back office. The smell, the sound of his boots on the floor, the dust motes in the sunlight from the windows, this was all familiar, and it offered Dean a little comfort, a sense of normalcy that helped ground him. As he turned the corner, Rufus was getting the register bank out of the safe, and Dean glanced over their purchase orders. They'd need to place an order soon, fall was coming and they'd need more hunting supplies and cold weather equipment. He glanced over the desk. Rufus had reorganized since Dean had been in last, it was a slightly better system than what Bobby had used, which had basically been organized chaos. He sat down at the computer, opening up the store email account and the inventory system. Rufus walked out and opened the register, and a few moments later Dean heard the door latch open again. He answered a few emails, letting their suppliers know about the change in ownership, and answered some questions he hadn't been around to answer the past week.

It was two hours before he finally started to feel it.

To feel how empty the store felt, how cold it was without Bobby calling him an idjit from the other room, without Rufus and Bobby's friendly disagreements about basically everything while Dean would laugh. He physically shook himself, pulling his mind back to business and forcing thoughts of Bobby away.

He went through the on hand inventory, checking their supplies and placing a few purchase orders, making a note on the calendar when to expect the deliveries. He was going to need to hire one or two people part time, to help on shipping days and to cover Dean's shifts now that he was...

He ran his hand over his face, trying to keep it together. He wasn't built for this. It wasn’t the work, that he knew how to take care of, and he realized now Bobby had been setting him up to take over for a while. Bobby had shown him through the years ago how to make deposits at the bank, he'd introduced him to their suppliers, and Dean had been the one who convinced Bobby to computerize both their inventory and payroll.  Charlie had built them a custom system from the ground up, and even Bobby had to admit the software worked better than paper records.

But none of that mattered to Dean.  It didn't matter that he knew how to do it, he just couldn't do it without Bobby.

He looked up at the clock, it had only been three and a half hours now. He stood, walking out to the register to let Rufus take a break. They'd had a few sales already that morning, which was a good sign for the slow season. Rufus walked in the back room, and Dean settled himself on the stool behind the counter, picking absently at the paint peeling off the edge. The door chimed that someone was coming in and Dean looked up, his work smile on his face. When he saw who was coming through the door the smile faded almost immediately.

“Try not to look so excited to see me,” Benny said, winking as he walked in.

“Sorry, Benny. What can we do you for?”

“I was approved for a license this season,” he grinned, walking around the display of ropes, picking through the different coils. “I've got a few pals all hyped up ready to go, just need a few things.” Dean nodded, not really hearing him. Benny walked up with two lengths of rope and a tarp.

“Anything else?” Benny pointed at the case behind the counter.

“Some of the .22 rounds.” Dean unlocked the case and pulled a box out, ringing Benny in silently. “You okay, Dean?” he said.

“I'm fine. Just, first day back, you know?” Benny nodded, taking the bag Dean held out to him.

“I hear ya. Your seat's always open at the Alcazar.” He said, winking. Dean nodded, a half a smile ghosting his face.

“Thanks, Benny. Good luck out there.” Benny saluted with his free hand and headed out. Dean locked the ammo case up and went back to picking at the paint. Rufus came back from his break half an hour later, but he was so lost in thought that when Rufus tapped him on the shoulder it felt like it had only been a few moments since Benny had left.

“You don't have to stay the whole day, Dean.” Rufus sounded annoyed, but Dean knew better.  He was trying to tell Dean he understood, that it was okay if he needed time.

“I know, Rufus.”  Dean sighs.  The older man claps Dean on the shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise, but Dean smiles at the gesture.

“I miss him, too.” Rufus says quietly. Dean nods, clearing his throat.

“Hey, I'm gonna give Nick and Ash a call, see if they want some work this season.” he says, heading into the back room. He doesn't want Rufus' pity, and he doesn't want to go home. It was only his first day back, he wasn't going to give in that quickly. He calls Nick first, and he gladly accepts Dean's offer for work. Ash took a little more convincing, but when Dean agreed he could work only closes he agreed. Dean sat in the chair, staring at the wall. Some of the notices and orders were in Bobby's handwriting, and Dean's throat grew tight for a moment. He swallowed, pushing down the pain.  He had to be here to get things in order for the whole week, the store was only closed on Sunday.

Five more days.

_C’mon, Dean.  You can do this._

 

_I can’t fucking do this._

By Saturday, Dean was in a near zombie state, simply going through the mechanics of being a person.  He would wake up, get dressed, go to work, eat, then drink until he fell asleep. Rufus was about ready to bash Dean's head against something, claiming his constant moping was giving him a headache, so when it came time for Dean's morning shift to end on Saturday he couldn't leave fast enough. Ash was barely through the door before Dean was out of it and in his Impala. Dean drove to the Alcazar, his brain spinning with payroll numbers, purchase orders, and inventory discrepancies. That whole morning he had been missing Bobby more than he had all week. He longed to have him there, calling him an idjit for worrying, to scold him for acting like he was.  Bobby had trusted him with this, he couldn't let him down.

He was about to gouge his own eyes out.

Ellen's daughter Jo, Dean’s other pseudo sister, was bartending that night. Dean liked it well enough when Jo worked, she had a spunky attitude and was much better to look at than Benny was, but because of how well she knew Dean, she made it hard for him to unwind. He couldn't relax around people he knew because aside from the tiny glimpse Rufus caught working with him, no one, not even Sam, could know how much of a mess Dean was. So there he sat at the bar, wearing a fake smile, flirting when flirted with, drinking the whiskey Jo had poured him, keeping his miserable thoughts to himself.

A blonde wandered up to Dean, all suggestions, hands, and cleavage, and any other night Dean would have been out of there faster than you could say 'hook-up', but Dean turned her away.

“You okay, considering?” Jo asked, raising an eyebrow.  Dean nodded, taking the whiskey she poured.

“Considering,” he sighed.

 _It wasn't fair that this was all dumped on his lap_. He emptied his glass again, and it was refilled with more amber liquid. He laughed along with a joke another patron made.

 _What was Bobby thinking, giving him the shop? Rufus was better suited for it, he knew how to run it, why saddle Dean with the responsibility?_ Empty, refilled.

 _The hell did Bobby have to go and die for, anyway?! He wasn't that old!_ Empty, refilled, and a frown from Jo. His smile must be faltering. How much had he had to drink already?

 _What did it matter? Everyone left him eventually._ First his Mom died, then his Dad passed, he almost broke Lisa, now Sam was even talking about moving in with Jess, and him moving in with Jess was one step closer to marrying Jess.  Which meant one step farther from Dean. Empty. He tapped the bar.

He waited for a moment, frowning at the empty cup. He glanced up at Jo's disapproving face.

"You've had enough, Dean. Go home," Jo said, crossing her arms and frowning.

"You go home," he muttered, sulking. She rolled her eyes.

“I called you a cab.” She took his glass and wandered away down the bar. He stood carefully, the ground moving under him slightly, but the room stayed steady and he gained his balance quickly enough.

"I'm not drunk enough," he muttered. While Jo's back was turned he quickly reached over the bar, grabbing the whiskey and leaving some money to pay for it. He walked outside, taking a few steps towards the Impala, then decided against it. He may not be slurring his words, but his vision was getting slightly hazy.  As drunk as he was he wouldn't get very far in his car. He took off at a walk, ignoring the cab Jo had called, not really wanting to go anywhere, just not wanting to go home. He popped the pour spout off the top of the bottle and sipped at the whiskey as he walked aimlessly, and when he looked up, he found himself in front of the old Catholic Church. The building had seen better days, but it was kept up enough, the manicured garden out front well tended and the crucifix in its midst clean and unmarked. Dean wasn't the church going type, in fact he hadn't been to a regular service since before his father had died.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was because he missed Bobby. Maybe there was something deeper at work than Dean cared to admit. Whatever it was, he felt a sudden compulsion, and walked up to the large wooden front doors. He tested the handle and the door swung open, only creaking slightly on its hinge as Dean stepped through and it swung shut behind him.

It was silent, almost creepily so. Dust motes hung in the air, and Dean navigated the dim room up to the front row of pews. A few candles were lit, and the street lights shone through the stained glass windows, casting strange shadows across the altar. He began to wonder what he was doing in there, suddenly feeling naked and very uncomfortable. Sam would go to church, and Dean knew he prayed, but Dean had never seen any need for it. He couldn't recall a single time he'd prayed, never believing, nor having any need to worry about God, whether or not he existed. Yet here he found himself, sitting in a pew, gaze turned up to the crucifix on the altar, and a sincerity in his heart he'd never felt before.

"Hey, I've, uh, never actually done this before, but I'm... I don't know what's going on, actually." Dean set the mostly drunk bottle of whiskey he was holding on the floor of the church. He suddenly felt embarrassed about having it, like he'd just been caught doing something wrong. "I don't know what to do. They've all gone, even Bobby now.” He took a deep breath, speaking to the empty room. “Sammy's about to leave me, too. He has Jess, and they're getting closer, and I just... I have no one left." He dropped his gaze from the cross, watching a few of the candle flames flicker, sighing heavily. "I need to break out of this rut, this funk... and, and I think I need help doing it. I think I need someone." He blinked away some tears, picking up the bottle and taking a deep drink of the whiskey. “I guess I need a freakin' miracle, then, don't I? That's what it's going to take to get someone to stay with me. So please,” he looks up at the cross again, and for the first time in his life he sincerely means his prayer. “Please, help me find someone who won't leave me.”

Dean could see the small visage of an angel standing below the cross on the altar. The moment over, his natural cynical self started to wonder how was this thing, this chubby thing with fluffy wings and a halo going to help him? Maybe it had been a bad idea to stop here anyway. He stood from where he was sitting, gripping his bottle tightly and turning for the door.

 

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

Dean's head was throbbing something awful, the taste of vomit in his mouth causing him to retch again the moment he woke. He must have gotten most of it out the night before, nothing much came up. His stomach muscles hurt too, as did his throat. He ran a hand across his forehead, willing the headache to go away.

"You're a sight," came a way to loud and disapproving voice somewhere to his left. He peered up cautiously, even the small movement making his head spin. The light dug into his eyes, making them water as he attempted to see who was making all the noise. When the face finally came into focus, he groaned.

"Oh, shit." He sighed. He was in a holding cell, and Sheriff Jody Mills was glaring down at him, her baton tapping on the door of the cell. Her mom face was staring at him from under her short cropped dark hair.

 _Clunk, clunk_.

"Okay okay, enough, I'm up," he sighed, raising a hand in defeat and sitting up slowly. He had no idea how he'd wound up at the precinct, but it wasn't the first time. And from the look on Sheriff Mills' face, it wasn't one of his better times either. He hadn't gotten drunk enough to black out in a very long time, the last thing he remembered was the church. "What happened?" he sighed, afraid to find out.

"From what I gather, you wandered out of the Alcazar to the Catholic Church down the road, but by the time the Father called for us to come get you, you'd wandered off again.” Her voice was full of annoyance, her normally friendly tone gone. “My assumption of your next destination was to Joe's liquor store, judging by the broken nose he was sporting and the generally pissed off vibe my officer got when he asked about where you went after leaving the church." Dean groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Jodi... Look I'm sorry I-"

"No Dean. I'm done.  You’re lucky Joe’s not pressing charges.” It hurt him to hear the anger in her voice, but he didn't blame her. She had always been kind to him, forgiving even, but Dean knew it was a matter of time before he pushed her too far. “You need to get your shit together, young man, or next time you're getting booked for real. No more chances." She unlocked the door, and Dean stood unsteadily. The shame burning in his chest almost worse than the pain in his head. As he stepped past her, she placed a hand on his arm. "Don't become your father, okay? You're better than this, Dean." The words stung, he felt them like a puncture wound. He couldn't speak to her, so he just nodded, stumbling out into the lobby where Sam was waiting for him. He groaned inwardly, embarrassed and feeling generally awful. He held up his hand when Sam went to speak, not needing another lecture.

They walked outside the station, the early morning sun nearly blinding him, and Dean was relieved to see Baby sitting there. Jo must have called Sam when she found the whiskey missing. He flopped into the passenger seat in the Impala and Sam drove him home in silence. He caught glimpses of Sam with his mouth half open to speak, but he never said anything. Dean knew he deserved a full chewing out, and it almost made it worse that Sam couldn’t even bring himself to do it.  He half carried Dean upstairs, dropping him in the bathroom and turning on the shower.

“Get cleaned up, I'll make you something to eat,” he said, shutting the bathroom door behind Dean. He stripped out of his dirty clothes, washing off and pulling on some pajama pants. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, some new bruises starting to show on his ribs. He knew he must have been delirious when the cops found him, he wasn't surprised at the injuries. In a weird way, he felt he deserved them, and used the pain to focus himself.

He walked out into the kitchen, Sam hurriedly getting of the phone when he saw him walking out. Dean ignored his brother's awkwardness and picked up the sandwich Sam made him, forcing himself to eat it. He felt a bit better afterwards, and Sam gave him some ibuprofen and a glass of water.

“Sam-” Dean started but Sam cut him off.

“Don't, Dean.” He was hurt more than angry, but there was still heat behind his words. “No more excuses, no more self pity. You're not the only one who lost Bobby you know.” Dean felt a pang of guilt. Sam was right, he'd been like a father to them both and Jody, she had been dating Bobby when...

“I'm sorry, Sam. I'm... God I'm all sorts of fucked up.” Dean scrubbed a hand down his face, trying to hold himself together.

“Drinking isn't going to help with that,” Sam snapped. “Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make it better.” His phone buzzed, and he glanced at it briefly before standing. “I'm here for you, Dean. Charlie's here. Just... talk about it with someone, okay?”

“Yeah, Sammy,” Dean sighs, running his hands through his hair.

"Call if you need anything," Sam sighed, leaving Dean alone.

He felt the tears behind his eyes and let them fall.  He wanted Sam to be pissed at him, but his lack of visceral emotion meant he was getting used to seeing Dean this way, and he felt sick with shame.  He stood and walked to his bedroom, crawling under the blankets and burying his face in his pillow to stifle his sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some feedback!!! Let me know what you like and don't like!! I am willing and able to make updates based on suggestions! Thank you so much!!!


	3. Shatter Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this song was the perfect choice for this chapter. Dean's stuck in a rut, and he needs something/someone to break him out of it... and maybe that's exactly what happens ;)
> 
> UPDATED!!! I'm VERY happy with the updates that have been made to this chapter, please let me know what you think!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shatter Me- Lindsey Stirling (feat. Lzzy Hale)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnVf7lYcnHQ
> 
> I pirouette in the dark  
> I see the stars through a mirror  
> Tired mechanical heart  
> Beats 'til the song disappears
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> Somebody shine a light  
> I'm frozen by the fear in me  
> Somebody make me feel alive  
> And shatter me  
> So cut me from the line  
> Dizzy, spinning endlessly  
> Somebody make me feel alive  
> And shatter me
> 
> [Violin Drop]
> 
> Shatter me!  
> Somebody make me feel alive  
> And shatter me
> 
> [Verse 2:]  
> If only the clockwork could speak  
> I wouldn't be so alone  
> We'd burn every magnet and spring  
> And spiral into the unknown
> 
> [Chorus]  
> [Violin Drop]
> 
> [Bridge:]  
> If I break the glass then I'll have to fly  
> There's no one to catch me if I take a dive  
> I'm scared of change and the days stay the same  
> The world is spinning but only in gray  
> If I break the glass then I'll have to fly  
> There's no one to catch me if I take a dive  
> I'm scared of change and the days stay the same  
> The world is spinning but only in gray  
> (Only...)
> 
> [Chorus]  
> [Violin Drop:]  
> Me...!  
> Shatter me!  
> Somebody make me feel alive  
> And shatter me!

Dean woke up just after 4pm, and debated just staying in bed until Monday. His bladder had other plans, however, and with a groan he climbed out of bed, making his way to the bathroom. While there he brushed his teeth, running a razor over the stubble growing on his cheeks. He got dressed and walked into his kitchen, searching for something to eat. His stomach was still pretty empty from the night before, so he made himself a frozen pizza and sat to eat. He had left his phone on the table all night, and when it buzzed he realized he had a handful of texts from Charlie. The battery was blinking at 6%, so he grabbed his charger from his bedroom and plugged his phone in.

 

_Charlie, 8:46am: Sam said you had a rough night. Anything you need?_

_Charlie, 10:32am: Hopefully you're sleeping, not dead._

_Charlie, 1:34pm: Okay, Dean, I've got just the thing to break you out of your funk. Let me know when you get this._

 

Dean sighed, typing in a response.

 

_You, 4:07pm: Relax, Charlie, I'm alive. What did you want?_

 

He waited a few minutes, finishing his pizza. Charlie answered quickly, as usual. She did IT work out of her apartment most of the time, so she always had her phone at hand.

 

_Charlie, 4:09pm: Hey!!! How're you feeling?_

_You, 4:09pm: Better. Rough week._

_Charlie, 4:10pm: I can imagine. So, you have any plans tonight?_

_You, 4:10pm: Not really._

 

His phone was silent for a moment, then it starting ringing, Charlie's name popping up on the caller ID.

“Yeah, Charlie,” he said answering, amazed his voice was working.

“How'd you feel about going to a party with me tonight?” her excitement was infectious, Dean felt himself starting to smile in spite of his bad day.

“Charlie, I'm not really in a mood for company right now.” He sighed as she groaned at him.

"Cmon, you need to cheer up, I need a date, and it's Nerd Night at Angels and Demons." Dean groaned.

“Thia's working?”

“Yes, she's working, why do you think I need a date?” Charlie scoffed. Angels and Demons was the upscale bar downtown, not exactly Dean's scene, but exactly Charlie's. They had events for just about anyone. The high school crowd had teen nights, costume parties for the hipsters, risque nights for guys, LGBT events, and just about everything in between. Tonight they were sponsoring an event designed for nerds; Middle Earth themed drinks, Star Wars themed dance floor, and everything in between. Dean had seen the fliers around town, and figured Charlie was going, but hadn't put much other thought into it. He had always been a bit of a closet geek, but usually only in Charlie and Sam's presence, never in public. And definitely not at a bar like Angels and Demons.

"Charlie, I just..."

"Please!!" He could almost see her puppy dog eyes. He took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead.

"Alright, but you owe me one.” He paused then added for good measure, “and I'm not dressing up." She squealed gleefully.

"Hey, you're coming with me, that's good enough this time. I took the liberty of buying you a shirt. I'll bring it with me for you to change into.” Dean felt a smile tug at his lips. No matter what was happening in his life, Charlie could always cheer him up. "See you later!!" she said, hanging up the phone. He sighed, putting his phone down and cleaning up his lunch/dinner.

 

There was an enthusiastic knock on the door around 8:30, and when Dean answered, he was bowled over by a flurry of arms and red hair. Charlie was dressed in a mild cosplay for her, an outfit from one of the zombie shooting games she played. Camo cargo pants, military boots, olive tank top, and all the fake ammo and guns she could strap to her person.

“I'm so glad you're coming tonight, Dean!” She bounced a few paces into his apartment before stopping and looking around. “Um,... Dean? You're apartment...?” He ran his hand over the back of his neck.

“Yeah... I uh...it's gotten pretty toxic.” He toed at some dirty clothes on the floor.

“I'll be over the next few days to help,” she sighed, her smile bouncing back on her face.  “But not tonight, tonight we're going out.” She pulled a shirt out of her purse with a flourish. “Ta da!” Dean took it and chuckled. It was a picture of Indiana Jones finding Han Solo in carbonite.

“Okay, I have to admit this is a good one,” Dean sighed. “Nice choice, Charlie.”

“I thought you might like it. Plus it doesn't scream nerd that loudly.” He pulled off his current tshirt, and he heard a small gasp from Charlie. He looked over at her, and noticed she was staring at his bruises, a look of concern on her face. They were starting to turn a sickly green color, not very pleasant looking.

“Don't worry, it's nothing.” He said, pulling the shirt she brought him on and pulling a long sleeve flannel over top of it.  She walked up and hugged him, tucking her head under his chin like she did when she was scared. He wrapped an arm around her, squeezing her tight. “Hey, Charlie, it's okay.”

“It's not, Dean,” she sighed.  “You're not okay.” Her excitement had faded, so Dean dropped his hands to her sides, digging into her ribs.  She pulled away, with a giggle, and a smile back on her face. “Tonight, we're going to have fun.  No moping, no whining, just some good geeky fun.” She bounced towards his door on the balls of her feet, a gleam in her eye.

“Alright, Charlie, let's get going before you explode.”

 

With some trepidation, Dean pulled into the Angels and Demons parking lot. Immediately he felt out of place, even his Impala was the only car in the lot worth two craps in Dean's mind. He sighed, getting out of the car and adjusting his blue flannel shirt, rolling the sleeves up to his elbow. It was still fairly warm outside, but he refused to take the long sleeve shirt off, he felt naked without it. They walked up to the doors, Dean paid their cover, and in they went.

He had to hand it to Angels and Demons, they knew how to throw a party. Everything was perfectly themed, and these nerds and geeks whom Dean was sure would never be caught dead in this place on a regular night were clearly having the time of their lives. He allowed Charlie to lead him inside, though their progress was slow, she kept getting stopped to say hi to people as they passed.

“You're impressively popular,” Dean said, a warm smile on his face, his first real smile in over a week.

“Well, you are looking at the Queen of the Sky Kingdom.” She punched him in the arm. “I keep telling you to come out with us, there's a place on the royal court for you. You know you miss your secret LARPing identity.”  Dean half smiled, shaking his head.  That summer had been hilarious fun, but it was so many years ago now.

“I can't Charlie, with the shop and everything. Not until I get all this figured out.” He felt horribly adult just then, and he desperately wished he’d been able to hang onto his youth like Charlie had.  She sighed, rolling her eyes at Dean as they reached the bar.

“Lame excuse and you know it.” She waved down the bartender and got them each a beer. Dean sipped at his and turned to watch a brunette walk by dressed in hardly anything.

“Like the shirt,” she purred as she passed. Dean smirked, saying a silent thank you to scantily clad video game heroines. Maybe Charlie was right, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. He was just considering following her out into the crowd when he sensed movement over his shoulder.

"Hello, Charlie," the voice was deep, filled with gravel, and it spiked Dean’s curiosity.  He turned to see a man standing there, not much older than himself. He was dressed in a nice suit, almost too nice for this crowd, with a mess of dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. Really bright blue eyes, Dean thought, swallowing hard.

"Hey!! Just the man I wanted to see!" She said, leaning in and air kissing his cheeks.

"You like it?” he asked. He had a small smile on his face, just a small one, not enough to see teeth, but it was beautiful all the same. When he turned and met Dean's gaze Dean belatedly realized he was staring, and looked away quickly, a small blush on his cheeks.

_What. The. Hell._

"It's perfect! You guys did a fantastic job. Oh, Dean," she said, seeming to realize he was still there, "this is Castiel. He's a very good friend of mine," she grinned. Castiel, where did he know that name? "Castiel, this is Dean Winchester, my adopted brother.” Dean shook Castiel's offered hand, nodding at him, meeting those eyes again. Castiel didn't seem shy about the fact he was staring at Dean as well, his gaze drifting over his face.

“Nice to meet you, Dean. Charlie's told me a lot about you.”

“All semi good I hope,” he said, winking, trying to hide his discomfort.

“All good,” he said, his smile spreading to his eyes. Dean felt his ears start to burn.

“I'm going to get some more beers," Charlie said, walking off, and Dean found himself awkwardly alone with Castiel.

"Charlie talks about you a lot. I don't think she'd ever admit it but you're probably her hero." Castiel said, taking the stool next to Dean. Dean was relieved he was next to Dean now, so those blue eyes were no longer bearing down on him. There was something unsettling about how Dean was being affected by him.

"I'm no hero,” Dean sighed, but he remembered his promise to Charlie about having fun and pushed the dark thought away. “How do you know Charlie?" he asked, attempting conversation. Dean wasn't great at it but bad small talk was better than nothing.

"She's done some IT work for me before," he said, fondness in his voice. "She insisted I needed 'socializing' and refused to leave after she was done.” Dean smiled, a full smile. It felt strange after the week he had to be smiling like that, but not a bad strange.

"Yeah, that sounds like Charlie." Castiel tilted his head, considering Dean for a moment, his stare starting to make Dean pleasantly uncomfortable.

“She roped you into coming tonight, didn't she?” Castiel said.

“That obvious, huh?” Dean finished his old beer, looking around for Charlie with his new one.

“I'm glad she did,” he said, “You seem like you needed it.” Dean's gaze was pulled back to Cas at those words, looking at him curiously. He then realized he'd already given him a nick name, but if Dean was honest with himself he couldn't see calling the guy 'Castiel'.

“Yeah, I've had a crappy week.” Understanding shone in Cas' blue eyes, and Dean felt a strange warmth.

“I'm sorry for your loss,” Cas said quietly. Dean couldn't count the number of people that had said that to him since Bobby had passed. He hated those five words, because no one really understood, really meant them. They were filler when you had nothing else to say, when you didn't know what to say.

But when Cas said them, there was something in his voice, something in the way he said it, that reached through Dean's anger and down farther, and he knew he actually meant it.

“Thanks,” Dean said softly. He was already starting to feel better than he had all week, and it startled him. He wasn't even drunk.

“I don't think you've ever been here before,” Cas said, changing the topic. Dean shook his head.

“I'm more of a trashy, hole in the wall, type of bar goer,” he said, trying to keep the self-hate out of his voice, “Some pool tables, a bar stool, that’s all I need.”  He chanced a sideways glance at Cas, his eyes following the lines of his cheeks, flowing into his jaw and down to his chin.  He turned back to examine the label on his beer.  “You must come here often, if you know I haven't been here,” he pointed out.  Cas turned his head to fully look at Dean then, he could feel his gaze on him.

“I come here a lot, it's not as bad as you might think,” he said. “I think you'd like it here on a normal night.” Dean glanced at Cas briefly, hearing the unspoken invitation in his words, and when he met his eyes the genuine smile he saw in them pulled a smile from Dean.

“We'll see,” he said. Charlie finally came back, stepping between him and Cas, dropping three beers on the counter between them.  The ambient noise seemed to increase, Dean remembering where he was.

“Sorry, my public demanded my presence,” she said, looking between the two of them. “I hope you two were getting along,” she smiled, handing out their drinks.

“Don't trust me much, huh?” Dean said, taking a swig of beer.  “I was playing  nice, don’t worry.”  Charlie beamed at him.

“I have to get going,” Cas said, taking a sip of his beer before standing.

“Oh, but the party just started,” Charlie said, pouting. He leaned in and hugged her with one arm, slightly awkward. Dean thought it was adorable.

“I have work I have to take care of,” he said, turning his gaze to Dean.  “I'm glad I finally got to meet you,” he said warmly, offering his hand. Dean took it, his hand sliding into his like a perfect fit, the warm soft skin in contrast to his hard calloused hands.

“Yeah, you too,” he said. Maybe he held on to Dean's hand a little longer than was necessary, but Dean found he didn't mind. His hand slipped from his and he walked away. Dean found himself watching him go. It wasn't until he was out of sight that Dean realized what had just happened.

What he had just felt about Cas...

“So what did you two talk about?” Charlie asked, seemingly oblivious to the moment he and Cas had shared.

“You mostly,” he said, taking a big drink of the beer she brought him. She nudged him with her shoulder.

“Castiel is a really good friend.  I’m glad you guys finally got to meet.”

“You haven’t mentioned him before,” Dean said, finishing his beer.

“He’s quiet, very private.”  She shrugged, nudging Dean’s gaze in the other direction.  A red head dressed in a clingy gown had just walked up to the bar.  “You gonna sit here all night or join the party?” Charlie asked.  Dean smiled, shaking off the strange feeling Castiel had left behind.

“I guess that's why I'm here, right?”

 

A few hours later, Dean walked back into his apartment, surprisingly alone. He'd received multiple offers of company from an impressively wide variety of women, but he had too much on his mind.

The entire night, all he found himself thinking about was Castiel's hand in his.  He felt his cheeks warm again as he kicked off his shoes, pulling his long sleeve shirt off.  He had flirted with Cas, small and subtle, but he had.  Those blue eyes seemed to see right through him, down past his pain, and he’d let his guard down.

He didn’t flirt with men, not anymore.  Not since Aaron...

He walked up to his liquor cabinet and stared at the bottles inside, his fingers starting to twitch.  He could still hear Aaron's laugh, feel the betrayal burn through him. He hadn't felt these memories so vividly in nearly seven years.

 _You're not okay_ , Charlie's voice echoed in his head.

He was spiraling now, remembering the first time he'd gotten drunk with the intent to forget, the first time he'd felt so bad he just wanted it to stop.

 _Sam, lying pale in a hospital bed_... He shivered.

He picked up a bottle of whiskey, opening it and reaching for a cup. There were none in the cabinet, he apparently needed to do dishes. He debated just chugging straight from the bottle.

He wasn't okay. He hadn't been okay in years.  And one pair of blue eyes wasn’t changing that.

He considered the bottle again before taking a drink, feeling the alcohol burn in his throat.

At least it helped him sleep.

 

_It was dark, that was all he remembered. Dark and cold, a mist hanging in the air from the threat of rain. He was running, running because he was scared, because he couldn't handle what he was running from. Tears blurred his vision, and the air burned in his lungs but he couldn't stop. He didn't stop until his legs gave out and he crashed to the pavement, his chest heaving. He didn't know how long he had kneeled there before Bobby found him, practically carrying him back to his house._

_“I let him down,” he kept repeating, over and over. He felt worse than death, because he was still alive, and his brother was barely clinging to life._

 

He woke in a cold sweat, his blankets strewn across the floor of his room. He ran a hand over his face, trying to push away the memory. It was the worst of his nightmares, because it was real, it had happened.

It was the worst moment of his life.

Sam had been visiting Dean for his summer break, he'd just finished pre-law and he was about to head out for law school. Dean had taken him out to celebrate, getting him proper drunk before he had to 'take his life seriously' as Dean had said that night. They were on their way back to Dean's apartment on foot, since neither of them could drive.

The man had slipped out of the shadows before Dean had time to blink. He had Sam by the throat, a knife against his back. Dean tried to diffuse the situation, but he was too drunk, the guy was too nervous. The knife slid into Sam and the guy took off, leaving Dean holding his brother's body to him, covered in his blood, feeling absolutely helpless.

He'd called 911 and gotten Sam to the hospital, but seeing him being fussed over by all the nurses and the doctors, lying pale on the hospital bed, it was all too much. He ran from the hospital, and ran until he couldn't anymore.

Bobby had given him a lecture after that, about leaving Sam alone at the hospital because he was scared. He tried telling Dean it was okay to be scared, but that you had to deal with your fears. Dean nodded like he understood, but when it came to Sam, Dean couldn't listen to reason. Almost losing Sam like that had nearly broken him, he'd taken months to get back to his usual self. Even now with Sam being back to full capacity, Dean would catch a glimpse of the scar on his back, or Sam would wince when he'd sat for too long, and all that guilt would come back.

Sam's stabbing was his trigger, the start to his need to drink to fall asleep, the only way he wouldn’t wake up with images of his brother’s blood staining his hands.  

Dean climbed out of bed, rubbing at his eyes, glancing at the bottle on his nightstand. He’d only had a few sips last night, enough to lull him into sleep, but obviously not enough to dull the dreams.

He picked up the bottle wrapping his fingers around the familiar contours of the glass. A rage started to boil up in his gut. He hated that he was dependent on the bottle in his hand, hated that the only way he could feel anything but pain was with it in his system. A burst of anger flashed and he pulled back and threw the bottle, watching as it shattered into a thousand pieces against the wall of his room, whiskey flying everywhere. He turned from the mess, dressed hurriedly and left, climbing in the Impala and driving, as far and fast as he could. Tears were burning in his eyes, and his voice was hoarse from the sobs escaping his throat, but he drove on, because he couldn't stop, he was too scared to face what he had become.  

He couldn't handle being the man he was anymore.

He was running again, just like before, because it was all he knew how to do.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some feedback!!! I am willing and able to make updates based on suggestions! I'm going to be working on an original work for NaNoWriMo this year, this is my warm up story, so I'm really trying here!! Thank you so much!!!


	4. Unmistakable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's our proper introduction to Castiel :) 
> 
> Like I said, push through these first few chapters and there will be a reward for you all!!
> 
> Beta'd and updated, enjoy ya'll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unmistakable- Backstreet Boys  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n55AQprcsuM  
> Anytime, anywhere, anyplace  
> You could be anyone today  
> Maybe I would recognize you on a crowded street  
> Maybe you'll take me by surprise  
> Will you be the one I had in mind
> 
> [Chorus]  
> There'll come a day  
> When you'll walk out of my dreams  
> Face to face  
> Like I'm imagining  
> Baby how can I be sure  
> That you're the one I'm waiting for  
> Will you be unmistakable  
> Unmistakable
> 
> People say we're watching our lives  
> Through a glass  
> Desperately waiting on a chance  
> I know you're out there  
> Holding on, holding out for me  
> How are we to know the time is right  
> What if you're here and I'm just blind
> 
> [Repeat Chorus]
> 
> How can I know a song I never heard  
> How will I know your voice  
> When you haven't said a word  
> How do I know how this will end  
> Before we begin  
> Before we begin  
> There'll come a day  
> When you walk out of my dreams
> 
> Face to face (face to face)  
> Like I'm imagining (Like I'm imagining)  
> Baby, how can I be sure (how can I be sure)  
> That you're the one I'm waiting for (You're the one I'm waiting for)  
> Will you be (will you be)  
> Will you be (will you be)
> 
> Unmistakable  
> Unmistakable

Dean woke up in the Impala, stiff necked and exhausted. He looked around, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He was surrounded by trees, and turning his head he saw a small grey building behind him, signs for bathrooms on the outside. He heard some cars driving by and realized he was at a rest stop on the interstate. He climbed out of the car, groaning when his stiff muscles screamed in protest as he stretched. He pulled out his phone, turning on his GPS to see where he was. He'd driven straight north, and was nearly two states over. Looking at the time he realized he was also about 4 hours late for work...

He leaned against the Impala, finally opening the text messages he'd received.

 

_Rufus, 8:30am: You comin' into work today? It's okay if you can't I called Ash in._

_Sam, 9:40am: Hey, Rufus called. You okay?_

_Sam, 10:11am: Hey, at least send a text, let me know you're alive._

_Sam, 10:56am: Okay, not funny Dean. Did you spend the night with someone? I've been to your apartment,where are you?_

_Charlie, 11:02am: Dude, where are you?!_

_Charlie, 11:36am: Okay, Sam's freaking out, come on Dean. It's not funny._

 

He took a deep breath. He wanted to climb back in the car and keep driving, but he knew he'd only be hurting what little family he had left.

 

_You, 12:06pm: Hey Sam, I'm fine. I just had a rough night, took off in the Impala. I'm on my way home now._

_You, 12:07pm: Hey, Charlie. I'm okay. I'm on my way home now._

_Sam, 12:07pm: Jesus, Dean._

_Charlie, 12:07pm: Dean, you son of a bitch._

 

He climbed back in the car, setting off for home, feeling worse than he did before leaving. His drinking may cause problems, inconveniences, and worry for Sam and Charlie, but his running, this was worse, this scared them.  He wanted to scream, to break something, but his lungs wouldn't fill with air, and free hand hung slack at his side.  He let his mind drift, just focusing on the road, and he didn't have another thought outside of driving until he had made it home. The sun had started to set by the time he pulled into his parking space, climbing out of the car and stretching again, his muscles complaining from sitting so long. He walked up the stairs and Charlie was waiting outside his apartment. He took a deep breath, about to try and apologize but he didn't get a chance. She stalked up and slapped him hard across the face. The sting on his cheek making him blink a few times.

“What _has_ gotten into you lately?” she snapped. “Bobby's death hit us all hard, but it's like you've completely lost it!”

“Charlie-”

“No, Dean. I'm done. Sam won't do this but I will.”

“C'mon, Charlie, I'm-” She slapped him again, and he rubbed his jaw.

“You need to get yourself together.” Her eyes were filling with tears, “I will not watch you self destruct. Sam loves you too much to give you the hard treatment, so I will.” She gestured at a few trash bags on the ground. “I've given you a clean apartment, a clean start. I've taken half your booze, and I don't want to hear you've bought any more anytime soon. You will get yourself put back together, or so help me Dean Winchester, I'll kill you myself.” She stood there, breathing heavy, tears on her cheeks. Dean knew she was right, he'd known it for some time, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to admit it. He held out his arms in a gesture of defeat.

“You're right. Charlie I'm... I'm so sorry.” He felt the tears behind his own eyes but blinked them away. “I just... sometimes I wish I could be as strong as you and Sam, you know? I'm not though, Charlie. I'm a mess wrapped up in dysfunction.” Some of the anger melted off her face, and she walked up and hugged him, tucking her head under his chin. He wrapped his arms around her slowly, swallowing hard.

“You're going to get through this, okay? I'm here, Sam's here. We love you, Dean, we're not going to give up on you.” He held her for a few moments.

“Thanks Charlie, really.” She let him go, kissing him where she slapped him earlier.

“Okay, you go and get some sleep, you look absolutely awful.” She grabbed the trash and walked downstairs, leaving Dean to his thoughts. He walked in his apartment, and sure enough, it was cleaned from top to bottom, smelling like disinfectant and laundry detergent. He could hear the laundry in the dryer still tumbling. He walked into his bedroom, the scent of whiskey still there under the clean smell, but no glass was left in his carpet. He stripped down to nothing, doing Charlie a favor and tossing his clothes in his actual hamper, and climbed in a shower, the hot water helping burn away his muscle aches.

He had needed Charlie's intervention, more desperately than he realized. Charlie was right, Sam would never have stood up to Dean that way. He was Sam's older brother, his idol, and while he would have hated seeing Dean self destruct, Dean wasn't sure if Sam would have ever stepped in. He climbed out of the shower, freshly cleaned and shaved, and took a deep breath, examining himself in the mirror. He'd let himself go lately, a slight paunch was starting to show on his belly, and his usually defined upper body was starting to lose some of its shape. He'd stopped going to the gym a few weeks ago, when Bobby had started getting sick. He walked into his bedroom, ready to crawl into bed, but he'd been stationary so much of the day, he felt antsy. He didn't want to go to his normal hang outs either, too many familiar faces to judge him. Knowing he might regret it, but out of options, he got dressed in some of his nicer clothes and made his way out to his car.

 

A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot of Angels and Demons. There was no special event tonight, just your average club crowd, and he pulled on his old confidence, the one he used to wear when prowling for dates.  He walked up to the bar and ordered a beer, peering out at the crowd, knowing it would just be a matter of time before someone would approach him. He may be a bit out of shape, but he'd seen what his green eyes could do to a person. After his third beer, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hello, Dean,” came a deep voice from behind him. He turned and found himself looking into deep blue eyes.

“Hey, Castiel, right?” he said, smiling.  What were the odds of running into him again?

“I didn't expect to see you again so soon,” Cas said, giving Dean the small half smile that barely pulls at his lips.

“Yeah, I didn't expect to be here, either.” Dean said, turning to fully face him. He was in another nice suit, almost too nice. The shine of the light on the fabric of the shirt made Dean think of some kind of silk. For a brief moment he wanted to reach out and feel it, and flushed again.

“Well, since you are here, mind if I keep you company?” he asked.  Dean nodded, and Cas sat down beside him. The bartender brought him a drink and he took it with a nod. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Look at you, the barkeep knows your order” he said, nodding at the drink. Cas shrugged.

“Guilty of being a regular, I guess,” Cas said, the half smile coming back after he took a sip.

“Why here? I mean, no offense, but you seem like you can do better than this place.” Cas shrugged, passing right over the compliment, much to Dean's relief.

“I like it here. Plus you came back, so there's that.” Dean flushed at the flirtation in Cas' voice.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” He took a sip of his beer, shooting Cas a sideways glance, seeing his eyes already watching Dean.  He felt warmth at the tip of his ears.  “So,” Dean began, but the music swelled and the change in volume made it so he could hardly hear himself think.  Cas grabbed his drink and gestured for Dean to follow him.  Dean, oddly enough, didn't hesitate but grabbed his beer and followed the man.  He led him into one of the small booths set into the far wall, the sound proofing around it dulling the music so they could talk.  It was intimate, and fairly private, and Dean started to feel slightly nervous.

“You were saying?” Cas said, taking another sip of his drink. Dean met his gaze, and found himself stumbling for words. Something in the intensity of those eyes, it threw Dean off his game, he couldn't keep his thoughts straight.

“I don't really know,” Dean chuckled.

“What brings you back?” Cas asked instead. Dean sipped at his drink before answering.

“Well, Cas,” he paused, not sure how the nickname would go over.

“You can call me Cas, a lot of people do,” he said calmly.  Dean shifted in his seat and continued.

“I guess I came back for a change of scene.  Needed to do something different.”

“I’m glad you did.  I had to leave too soon last night.”  His eyes sparkled as he looked at Dean, and Dean swallowed hard, the heat starting to spread from his ears down to his cheeks.

“You always work in the middle of the night?” Dean asked.

“Sometimes.  I’m an accountant of sorts for a business, they run strange hours, so I do too.”  He swirled the ice in his cup.  “I snag free moments here and there, take time to try and relax.”

“Relaxing sounds nice,” Dean sighed.  “I've had the crappiest of craptastic weeks, you know, and I just can't seem to get my feet under me.” He tips back the remainder of his beer. “Charlie's trying to help, but I just...” he sighed.

“It's hard to come back from that kind of pain, I know it is.” Cas said softly.  Dean resisted raising his eyes, picking at the label on his bottle instead.

“Yeah... But Charlie is hardcore about me trying.”

“She doesn't drop things easily.” Cas agreed. Dean smirked.

“I think maybe that's why I wound up here tonight. You know, trying.”  He finally glances up at Cas, a small smile on his lips.  They sit in silence for a moment. This was unexpected for Dean, this ability to talk to a complete stranger. Cas glanced over at Dean as he processed his thoughts, the half smile on his face, and a warm look in his eye. Dean quickly looked down at the table. No, he hadn't felt this way about _anyone_ in a long time, not to mention a man. This, whatever _this_ was, was throwing him for a loop. Cas seemed to sense Dean's discomfort, so he cleared his throat to bring Dean's attention back to him.

“I know we don't know each other,” he started, leaning back against the booth, turning his body more towards Dean's, “but if you don't mind, could I offer up some advice?”  Castiel's voice had a strange tremor to it, almost like he really needed Dean to hear it.  Dean shrugged, mirroring Cas’ movements.

“Can't hurt right?” he says quietly.

“You have to want to get better,” Cas looked right into his eyes, and he said it matter of factly. The words cut straight into Dean, almost like a knife.

“What do you mean?” he asked, setting his jaw against the shock that ran through him.

“You can tell yourself you're better all you want, but until you want to be better, you won't get better.” Cas' voice is calm, his eyes steady on Dean. He swallows hard and stares at the table, the warmth back in his cheeks.  It's like Cas can see through him.  He's just met him and his words bury themselves in Dean deeper than anything Charlie or Sam had ever said.  Cas must notice the look on his face. “Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you,” he says gently.  Dean looks at his balled fist, willing it to relax.

“You haven't.  You're just...you're right,” he leans back, raising his eyes to Cas’, the tension going out of his body. “Maybe I just needed to hear someone say that.” Cas half smiles again, the corner of his lip pulling upwards slightly.  It’s strange, Cas is close to Dean’s age, yet there’s experience written in his face, something that tells Dean Cas knows exactly what he’s going through.  Maybe that’s why Dean is trusting him so much.  Cas lifts his glass to Dean.

“Well, cheers to epiphanies. Another beer?” Dean shakes his head.

“Nah, I’m good.” Dean says, surprising himself again.  Cas nods and orders another drink for himself.  “So tell me a bit about yourself,” Dean says.  Cas shrugs.

“There's not much to tell, really.”

“Come on, a guy that wears over expensive silk suits to a nightclub has to have some back story worth telling.”  Dean gave him his most disarming smile, and was pleasantly surprised when Cas flushed and looked away.

“You got me there.”  He paused as the waiter brought his drink, and waited till he walked away before speaking.  “My family placed a lot of expectations on me growing up. I decided I had some issue with what they wanted me to be, and it caused some problems. I just... they aren't the type of people I wanted to be around.”  Dean looked at him oddly.

“But they're your family, right?”

“That word doesn't mean much to them.  Not like it does to normal people.”  Cas' words were bitter but none of it showed in his voice.

“Wow, that's...”  Dean didn’t really know what to say.

“Messy.” Cas finished. He shrugged. “It's life though. I try to make the best of it.” Dean looked over at him, trying to understand this man. He sounded so damaged, and the way he talked to Dean, he could tell Cas had been through similar pain in his life.  Yet he seemed so put together, so happy, while Dean could barely keep himself standing.  Before Dean could say anything else, they were interrupted.

“Sir?” A scrawny Asian kid, wearing a dress shirt slightly too big for him walked up, a nervous tick about him.

“Yes, Kevin?”

“Sir, I know you said not to be bothered, but he keeps calling...” Dean looked from the kid to Cas, curious.

“Sorry, Dean,” he said, finishing his drink and standing.  He sounded disappointed.  “I guess I'm going to have to cut our conversation a bit short.”  Kevin walked off in a hurry.

“Something wrong?” Dean asked. Cas shook his head.

“No, Kevin is my assistant.  It's just... something for work I have to take care of.” Dean raised an eyebrow, wondering who would bring their assistant with them out to a club.

“Hey, no worries.” Dean stretched, giving Cas a small reassuring smile.  “I should probably head home anyway, get some sleep before work tomorrow.”  Cas nodded.

“Dean, I'd...” he swallowed, raising his eyes to Dean's, catching his gaze and holding it.  Not that Dean minded, those blue eyes were easy to get lost in. “I'd like to see you again, if you want. I was enjoying our conversation.”  He was blushing, and his fingers were picking at the edge of the table nervously, and it was one of the most adorable things Dean had ever seen.

“Yeah, sure,” he said smiling, no hesitation at all.  “I've got some inventory work on Wednesday... Thursday?”

“I have a meeting. What about Friday?”

“Okay, see you here again Friday night?” he asked.  Cas smiled, really smiled, for the first time, the flash of teeth and the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes almost making Dean reach out and kiss him.

 _That_ was something Dean hadn't expected, the urge to hold this practical stranger in his arms, to touch him, to feel his warmth. His warmth...

“See you Friday, Dean.”  Cas said, turning and walking away.  Dean watched him go, only realizing after he was gone how comfortable he had felt in his own skin, for the first time in a long time.  He slid out of the booth, smiling to himself as he walked out to the parking lot, climbing into his car.

He had wanted to kiss Castiel.  

There was no denying it, no way around it.  He was attracted to Cas in a way he hadn't been attracted to anyone in a long time, and it felt good. Seeing him again by chance, it was like he was supposed to run into him at the bar, and it scared him almost as much as it gave him hope. Maybe Cas was right, maybe Dean could do this, maybe he could dig himself out of the hole he was in. When he got home, he undressed and tumbled into bed, starting to fall asleep without alcoholic assistance.

_Until you want to be better, you won't get better._

Dean sighed into his pillow, almost smiling.  Maybe it was time he decided to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far! I know this is building super super slow, but we'll get to the fluff and the good stuff eventually I promise!! I wanted this to feel a bit more real than what I usually write (fluff addict). There's some dark stuff coming up for both of them, but they'll push through.
> 
> Dean and Cas have their work cut out for them. ;)


	5. Taking Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope the song system is working for you guys, even if you're just reading the lyrics. Each of these songs plays on repeat while I'm writing, just how my brain likes to work. :D
> 
> Beta'd and Updated!!
> 
> My original writing of Dean was a bit too heavy with internal dialogue, I felt I needed to ween some of that out to make the chapter flow better. Also, added a tiny bit of new relationship fluff (sue me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5: Taking Chances- Celine Dion  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpZu2AdqtY8  
> Don't know much about your life.  
> Don't know much about your world, but  
> Don't want to be alone tonight,  
> On this planet they call earth.
> 
> You don't know about my past, and  
> I don't have a future figured out.  
> And maybe this is going too fast.  
> And maybe it's not meant to last,
> 
> But what do you say to taking chances,  
> What do you say to jumping off the edge?  
> Never knowing if there's solid ground below  
> Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,  
> What do you say, What do you say?
> 
> I just want to start again,  
> And maybe you could show me how to try,  
> And maybe you could take me in,  
> Somewhere underneath your skin?
> 
> What do you say to taking chances,  
> What do you say to jumping off the edge?  
> Never knowing if there's solid ground below  
> Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,  
> What do you say, What do you say?
> 
> And I had my heart beaten down,  
> But I always come back for more, yeah.  
> There's nothing like love to pull you up,  
> When you're laying down on the floor there.  
> So talk to me, talk to me, Like lovers do.  
> Yeah walk with me, walk with me,  
> Like lovers do, Like lovers do.
> 
> What do you say to taking chances,  
> What do you say to jumping off the edge?  
> Never knowing if there's solid ground below  
> Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,  
> What do you say, What do you say?
> 
> Don't know much about your life  
> And I don't know much about your world

He went back to Angels and Demons again on Friday night, heading straight for the booth where he and Cas had sat before.  He'd held a nearly 20 minute argument with himself before leaving his apartment, but in the end he decided to take Cas' advice and get better.  Step one was _not_ sitting in his apartment drinking himself to sleep, so he found himself in the Impala, and now he'd ended up back in the nightclub, nerves buzzing under his skin.  He wasn't there long enough to even wonder if Cas would come before Cas slid into the booth next to him, handing him a beer.  Dean ignored the flutter in his stomach, accepting the bottle with a smile.

“I was afraid you wouldn't show,” he said, giving Dean his half smile.  Dean shrugged.

“Hey, said I'd be here so I'm here.”  He smiled easily, relaxing into the booth.  

“Did you have a better week?” Cas asked.  Dean nodded, taking a drink.

“Yeah, it was.”  After profusely apologizing to Rufus for missing work, including buying him a rather expensive bottle of scotch, work had run fairly smoothly for the remainder of the week. He'd only had a few moments where he'd feel the oppression of Bobby's absence, but he'd take a deep breath and think about what Cas had said, and it would pass.

“You seem to be feeling better tonight,” Cas said, taking a sip of his drink, his eyes watching Dean’s face.

“I am. I think maybe what you said the other night kinda made things make a little more sense.”  He gave Cas one of his full disarming smile, and Cas nodded through a blush.

“Glad I could help.”  He leaned back, looking around the crowd.  Dean just watched his face for a few moments, swallowing hard against his heart beat.  He must have felt Dean's eyes on him and he turned his head. “So we talked a bit about my family the other night, what about yours?” he said, a half smile on his face.

“Well, I got a pain in the ass younger brother.”  Dean smiled, the way he knew he did when he talked about Sam. “I practically raised him.  My Mom passed when he was a baby, and my Dad... he wasn't good at staying in one place.”  He took a deep breath.  “My Dad passed just when Sam graduated high school. He smoked, and he got pneumonia...” Cas' eyes were sympathetic, but not pitying, and Dean swallowed hard again. “I was all Sam had after that.”

“He's lucky to have had you,” Cas said, sincerely. Dean shrugged, blushing.

“I did my best.” Cas turned his body towards Dean again, his knee resting against the back of the booth.

“If the pride in your voice is any indication, you did better than best.”  Dean flushed at the compliment, finishing is beer, and Cas motioned for another.

“It doesn't make for an easy life, but we had each other.  Charlie came along a few years after Dad passed, and kinda got adopted into the family.”  Dean continued. “And we had Bobby...” He suddenly wasn't able to keep talking. Cas lowered his leg so he could lean forward, placing his hand on Dean's lower arm.  The warmth from his touch seeped into Dean's skin, and his body relaxed.

“I'm sorry, Dean,” he said quietly.  Again, Dean was amazed by the sincerity in Cas' voice.  He looked up at Cas, meeting those blue eyes and finding comfort in them.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean smiled.  Cas leaned back again, pulling his hand back to rest on the table.  Dean almost wished he’d put his hand pack.

“My mom died when I was a baby as well, I never knew her.  There were complications through her pregnancy, and after I was born her body just gave out.” Cas explained quietly. “My Dad tried to fill the hole she left, but it was hard for him with us four boys.” Cas glanced down at the table. “I understand a bit about your pain,” he added.  The waiter brought their second round, and Dean took a long pull of his beer.

“We have such wonderful conversations,” he sighed, a wry smile on his face.  Cas huffed a small laugh, and Dean got a chill.

“Perhaps we should steer clear of talk about family,” Cas admitted.  Dean took another sip of his beer.

“So Charlie's talked about me, huh?” he said, changing the topic easily.  Cas nodded, the affection at Charlie's name unmistakable on his face and in his voice.

“She admires you, Dean. How you took care of her and Sam, in spite of your own problems.” Dean gave him a sideways glance.

“My problems?” Cas flushed.

“She never went into detail, she just... I guess I kind of turned into her outlet, when she was mad at you...” He fiddled with his cup, and Dean couldn't help but smile at his discomfort.

“She isn't wrong,” he said, with a heavy sigh. “I got more problems than you could shake a stick at. Pick an issue and I got it.” He rubbed a hand over his face, trying not to slip down into a darker mood.  He didn’t want to bury Cas under his crap.

“We've all got baggage, Dean. The important thing is not to let it control us, or our lives.” Dean looked over at Cas in surprise.

“You've got this... _Jedi_ vibe about you, Cas.” Dean sighed.  Cas flushed, downing the remainder of his drink.

“Sorry, I just...” Cas seemed uncomfortable, so Dean caught his gaze, giving him a smile and a wink.

“No, not a bad thing. A good thing.” He felt a nervousness in his chest, but his voice managed to stay even.  Cas' gaze locked onto Dean's. Dean gave him his most charming smile, which grew wider as Castiel's eyes widened and his jaw tightened. Good to know he hadn't lost any of his charm.  A buzz from Castiel's phone interrupted the moment.  He pulled it out and his face fell slightly after he looked at the screen.

“Work?” Dean asked.

“Yeah.” He slipped his phone back into his pocket with a sigh.  He was visibly upset, his shoulders dropping.

“Hey, you keep weird hours, but it is what it is.” Dean smiled reassuringly, and it seemed to relax Cas a bit.

“Dean, I-” Cas reached out for Dean's hand, but seemed to change his mind. “I'd like to... I mean, if you wanted...”  He was fidgeting now, blushing severely.  Dean finished his beer, setting the bottle down with a finite thud.

“You want to get dinner sometime? Get a burger or something?” Dean asked, amazed the flutter of butterflies in his chest wasn't affecting his voice.  Cas smiled again, a flash of teeth, and Dean again found himself wanting to kiss the wrinkles that appeared at the corners of his eyes.

“Yeah, I'd love to,” he said, sliding out of the booth and scurrying away before Dean could say anything.  Dean left after him, walking out to the parking lot trying to hide the silly grin on his face.  He made it out to his car before he heard footsteps behind him.

“Dean!” He turned and saw Cas standing there, breathless, like he had just run after him. Dean laughed.

“Yeah?” Cas' face was flushed, a smile on his face, and he held up his phone.

“I don't have your number,” he breathed.  Dean laughed, he couldn't help it.  They'd agreed to go for dinner but hadn't bothered to give themselves a way to plan it.  Cas smiled as well, a flash of teeth and a small chuckle.  Dean walked up and took Cas' phone, entering his number into Cas' contacts.  He handed it back with a smile, and Cas' fingers brushed along Dean's as he took his phone back.

“I'll call you,” Cas said, turning and walking back towards the bar.  Dean watched him go for a moment before climbing into the Impala.

Could he do this?  Could he really trust that Cas could be different?  In the past few years Dean hadn’t shared more than a one night stand with a person, and those had all been women.  Dean looked at men, he definitely had an eye for a guy in a suit, but that was it.  Still, with Cas it was more than just lust.  When he looked at Dean, he was _really_ looking at Dean, almost looking through him.  He tossed the idea around in his head the entire drive back to his apartment, but was no closer to an answer when he got home.  Giving up on it for the night, he undressed and tumbled in to bed without a sip of whiskey, falling into a deep sleep almost immediately.

 

Cas had called Dean a week later, just after Dean arrived home from work. Dean had started to worry Cas wouldn't call, old insecurities taking hold, and since he didn't have Cas' number he couldn't get a hold of him. He supposed he could ask Charlie for his number, but that would lead to an awkward conversation Dean just wasn't ready to have. He was on the verge of finding a way to steal Charlie's phone when his phone finally rang.

“Hey, Dean.”  The deep voice had the same impact on Dean over the phone as it did in person, setting his skin to buzzing.

“Cas, good to hear from you,” Dean said, trying not to sound like he'd been waiting for the phone to ring.

“Are you busy?”

“Not at the moment.”  Even if he had been busy, Dean had a strange feeling he would have found himself finished.

“Would you like to grab that burger?” Cas sounded nervous, and it made Dean smile.

“Sure. Where do you want to meet?”

“I was thinking, since I'm on this side of town, there's a little diner near Angels and Demons?”

“The little mom and pop place?” Dean had driven by it a few times but had never eaten there.  He tried to remember the name. “M something... Missouri's?”

“That's the one.”

“Sounds good. What time?”

“I, uh, I was thinking now.” Cas' voice had the smallest of tremors, and Dean grinned at the sound.

“Okay, see you in a few, then,” he said.

“Bye, Dean.” Dean hung up the phone, nearly flying from his couch to the car, barely remembering to grab his coat on the way out, October bringing with it much appreciated cooler weather.  He drove, probably over the speed limit, as fast as he was able to get to the diner.  So what if he was excited about going on an actual date with Cas?  If he could call this a date, he still wasn't sure if this thing they had was, well, a thing.  Cas was standing out front when he arrived, wearing a beige trench coat over his usual suit, and Dean's butterflies came back.

“She's beautiful,” he said, gesturing at the Impala after Dean climbed out. “I don't know much of anything about cars, but it's easy to tell you take care of her.” Dean beamed with pride.

“She's my best girl,” he said, patting the hood and walking closer to Cas. They stood there for a few moments, Dean basking in the strange warmth he seemed to feel around Castiel. Cas' ears turned red as he seemed to struggle for something to say.

“Shall we...?” he managed.  Dean smiled, walking inside and sliding into a booth as Cas slid in the opposite side.  He ordered a cheeseburger, and Cas ordered the same thing, and as the waitress walked away Dean smirked, pulling a blush to Cas' cheeks.

“Guess we have a love of cheeseburgers in common,” he said, continuing to admire Cas' blush.  Cas was definitely nervous under Dean's gaze and Dean was enjoying not being the vulnerable one for a moment.

“Something wrong?” Cas said, fussing with his napkin.

“Nothing,” Dean said, shaking his head. “There's nothing wrong with you.” Cas' eyes snapped upwards, locking on to Dean's, and Dean flushed as the words he just said sank in.

“That's kind of you, Dean.” Cas said softly. “But you don't know me very well yet,” he added, setting the napkin aside and leaning on the edge of the table.  Dean shrugged.

“Sounds like a challenge,” Dean said with a wink. Cas seemed to ponder that for a moment.  Dean has his turn, flushing under Cas' gaze, and when Cas finally spoke up again his voice was warm.

“Alright,” he said, a half smile on his face.  “I was born on September 18th, my Dad had a thing for the bible when naming me and my siblings, and I have a fondness for cheeseburgers.” Dean smiled, nodding.

“Okay. I was born on January 24th, I'm named for my grandmother,” Cas chuckled and Dean pointed at him, “Hey! Don't laugh!” Cas clenched his jaw against his mirth and Dean paused before continuing, trying to think of something else to say.  

Only one thing kept coming to mind.

It was a secret he'd protected his entire adult life.  It was also the easiest way to see the type of person Cas was, and to see if they had a chance.  He swallowed hard, staring at the table, the words tumbling out before he could change his mind.

“I've never told another soul I'm bisexual,” he breathed.  The waitress walked up with their burgers, giving Dean a reason to avoid Cas' eyes, not sure what he'd see in them.  When she walked away, he picked at a fry, trying to keep his nerves under control.

“I've never been in love before,” Cas said just as quietly before taking a bite of his burger. Dean raised his eyes, relief and gratitude washing through him.  Cas hadn't missed the significance of what Dean had admitted to him, and had responded with something equally as serious.  It gave Dean some more confidence, and he ate some of his own burger to give himself time to collect himself before speaking up again.

“I've got your stereotypical 'mistake' tattoo from a night of too much drinking.”  Dean glanced up and saw Cas' head tilted curiously.  Dean grabbed hold of the neck of his shirt, pulling the collar down to reveal a decent portion of the sun and moon, and Cas' eyebrow went up.

“Nice,” he nodded, eating some more of his food. “Could have been worse.”  Dean took a sip of the root beer he had ordered to hide his smile.  Cas pushed a few fries around his plate, seeming to consider his next 'get to know you' statement.

“I grew up with money, but hated having it.” Cas said it so quietly Dean almost couldn't hear him.  Dean thought for a moment about his next words.

“Until I moved here, I never really had a home.”  Cas nodded, chewing on his lip.

“I'm jealous of you,” Cas said.  Dean looked up, frowning slightly.

“Really? Why?! My life hasn't exactly been rainbows and flowers.” Cas glanced up looking out the diner window, seemingly afraid to look at Dean.

“Because you had a family.” he said softly.  Dean blinked.

“You said you had brothers, and your Dad...”

“I had relatives. Not a family.” The way Cas said it made Dean's chest hurt.  Dean didn't know what to say, or if he should say anything at all.  They ate in silence for a little while, finishing their dinner.  When Dean pushed his plate aside, he looked up at Cas, still trying to come up with something to say.

“I...” Cas looked up when he started speaking, and when he met his gaze he faltered, losing some of his nerve.  Cas reached out and placed a hand over Dean's, squeezing slightly. Memories of Aaron crept up on him again, but they were overshadowed by the kindness in Cas’ eyes.  The two conflicting feelings nearly pulled Dean's heart in two, but before he could say anything the waitress walked up, dropping off the check.  

“Allow me,” Cas said, but Dean snatched the billfold away from him.

“Hey, I asked you out at the bar, I get to pay,” he said stubbornly.

“Dean, it’s fine, I-”

“Nope, not happening, Cas,” Dean said with a wink, and Cas sighed, lifting his hands in a gesture of defeat. As Dean counted out the cash he thought about their conversation. This was their first real date, only their third time even seeing each other, and yet, something in him knew Castiel already.  He stood, walking to the door, Cas close on his heels.  They walked up to the Impala, Dean standing in front of the driver side door for a moment, watching Cas walk up next to him.

“Did you want to tell me something?” Cas said softly.  Dean took a brief moment to gather his thoughts.

“It’s uh… I don’t want to presume anything,” he muttered.  Cas took a step closer, drawing Dean’s gaze up to his face.  

“About us, I’m assuming?” Cas said softly.  Dean blushed scarlet.

“Yeah, I... my only relationship with a guy... it didn't end very well.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, pushing Aaron's smirk and the pain the memory caused him down and away. “I haven't... it's been nine years, and like I said, no one knows.”

“I'm sorry, Dean.” Cas stepped closer, but didn't make any move to reach out for him.

“Listen, Cas...”

“I had a nice night, Dean.” He said before Dean could say anything else.  Dean looked up at him and nodded, accepting the gift of the change in topic.  

“I did too.” He watched his blue eyes for a moment, shining in the light from the street lamp.  Their kindness was pulling Dean in, making him trust Cas.

“Would you mind giving me a ride back to Angels and Demons?” Cas asked. Dean blinked.

“You didn't drive?”

“Kevin dropped me off. He's waiting for me there.” Cas blushed, and Dean realized something the nice suits and the type of drinks he bought were hinting at.  Cas had said he grew up with money, and he definitely had money now if he had someone driving him places.

“Yeah, I can drop you,” he said, clearing his throat.  Cas smiled and Dean's discomfort dissipated slightly as he climbed into the car and reached over to let Cas in.  Cas slid into the car, looking around at the interior, an impressed look on his face, and Dean's discomfort left completely.  They were silent during the short ride back to Angels and Demons, but it wasn't awkward.  Dean's mind was wandering, trying to sort out all his feelings about both what Cas had told him about himself and about seeing Cas again.  Because he desperately wanted to see Cas again.

And that alone was enough to scare him.

He pulled into the club lot, climbing out of the car to say goodnight to Castiel, walking around to the back of the Impala and leaning against the trunk.  Cas walked up to stand in front of him, and finally the silence started to get too heavy.

“Look, we've just met, I didn't mean to lay all that crap on you like that,” Dean said softly.

“I don't mind,” Cas said. “I enjoyed our...” Dean felt the corner of his mouth pull up.

“You can call it a date, if you want,” he said.  Cas blushed.

“I hope,” he had a sparkle in his eye as he met Dean's gaze, “I hope it's not the only one.” He smiled, a big toothy grin and Dean grinned right back.

“Guess I'll see you around sometime.” Dean finally said.

“I would like that.” Cas blushed through his smile.

“I'd like that a lot,” Dean said quietly.  Cas took a step forward, slightly closer to Dean, and Dean felt his heart beat against his ribs.

“Guess this is good night,” Cas said softly.  Dean nodded, but neither of them moved. Dean watched Castiel's hands tug at his jacket sleeves nervously, smiling at the little movements. He stood up straight, about to walk around to get in the car, but at the same moment, Cas took another step towards him.

Dean unexpectedly found himself inside Cas' personal space.  They were mere inches apart, and Dean froze, unsure what to do with himself.  Slowly, giving Dean every opportunity to stop him, Castiel leaned in and kissed Dean's cheek, the warmth of his lips pressed into Dean's skin.  Without a word he turned and walked away towards the club.  Dean stood there blinking for a moment, before climbing into the Impala.

He stared at the steering wheel, not quite wrapping his head around what had just happened.

 _Cas had kissed him_.

His fingers rose to his cheek, a small smile playing across his lips.  He wasn't sure what was happening between them, but he found himself liking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a huge sucker for this kind of fluffy stuff XD So expect more of it... eventually ;D
> 
> Let me know what you think guys! I love getting your feedback!


	6. Beautiful Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a little more background on both Castiel and Dean in this chapter. Dean has some issues he needs to work through, be patient with him :)  
> Please leave some comments, I'd love some feedback XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: Beautiful Lie- Nick Carter (Feat. Jennifer Paige)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6RBcw41I1w  
> I'm gone, the ground is shakin' under  
> Feels like the world may all come crashing down  
> Now your words and sorries have no meaning  
> Baby you lied
> 
> You turned it on wasn't my imagination  
> Everybody knows that you've been running 'round  
> I'm so dumb that you played with my emotions  
> Baby you lied
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> If this is isn't love what did I feel inside?  
> If this is ain't love how could you look in my eyes?  
> 'Cause my heart is breaking not falling this time  
> This can't be love now I know  
> You're a beautiful lie  
> It's just a beautiful lie
> 
> So cold I've been wrapped around in your finger  
> Part of a show like a puppet on a string  
> How could I know I was just another victim  
> Baby you lied
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> I can't stand this I keep falling apart  
> I won't be here waiting lost in the dark  
> Now I know it's time to let go  
> And I won't take this anymore  
> I don’t wanna be lonely  
> But I can’t take no more  
> You’re just a heartache baby  
> I’m out that door
> 
> 'Cause my heart is breaking not falling this time  
> This can't be love now I know  
> You're a beautiful lie  
> Beautiful, just a beautiful lie
> 
> 'Cause my heart is breaking not falling this time  
> This can't be love now I know  
> It's just a beautiful lie

With October drawing to a close, the shop grew busy. Deer season was in full swing, plus people were getting ready to stock up for turkey hunting in November. Bobby also made a point of stocking a large quantity of Halloween decorations every year, and Dean wanted to keep up with that tradition, so he found himself spending long nights in the back office, crunching numbers and filing orders till he could hardly see straight.

It had been two weeks and three days since the last time he saw Cas, not that he was counting. They'd had a few conversations through text messages, which it turned out Dean was quite horrible at. Dean had nearly laughed himself into tears after one text conversation when Cas had to explain how to use emoji. Whenever he had a free moment at work he'd find himself daydreaming, thinking about Cas' impossibly blue eyes, his smile, the sound of his voice. He tried to keep the daydreams to a minimum, he wasn't a 13 year old girl, but they kept creeping up on him anyway.

He'd nearly stopped drinking since his date with Cas at Missouri's. He still had some rough days at work, when he'd find something of Bobby's in a drawer, and some nights he still had nightmares, but he found himself feeling better, slowly but surely healing, and the only thing he could correlate it with was Cas. He'd have a beer or two after work, maybe some shots on a particularly hard day, but he no longer had to drink himself to sleep. Charlie commented on it, and he just let her intervention take all the credit.

He was starting to see the store as his, and it was starting to scare him. Dean Winchester was almost respectable. He had just finished entering the Tuesday delivery into their system Wednesday morning when his phone buzzed.

_Castiel, 10:40am: Hey, you busy at the moment?_

_You, 10:40am: Just finished being busy. Howdy._

_Castiel, 10:41am: Have time for a phone call?_

_You, 10:41am: For you? I suppose..._

Dean was smiling to himself, and the moment his phone buzzed in his hand, he answered.

“I feel special, I've been upgraded to a phone call,” he said teasingly. He heard Cas' laugh over the phone and tried to ignore the chill it sent through him.

“Yeah, I guess. I just...” he trailed off. “How's work?”

“You just what, Cas? No changing the topic,” Dean said, leaning back in his chair and smiling at the ceiling.

“I wanted to hear your voice,” he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. Dean felt his own cheeks warm.

“I... yeah, Cas. Me too.” he said lamely. “And work's good. Surprisingly good.” Dean felt himself smiling, and if he was honest, something about his attraction to Cas had given him hope, and it made a huge difference to feel that way again.

“I'm glad to hear that,” Cas said, the sincerity so comforting yet still so new to Dean. “I was hoping, actually you might be available Sunday night? Angels and Demons is having a Halloween party, and I've been roped into going...”

“Let me guess, Charlie.”

“Yeah,” Cas chuckled. “I mean, I know you're not... and it doesn't have to be that kind of date. I just...” Cas trailed off, embarrassment in his voice. Dean took a deep breath, smiling at Cas' concern. He still wasn't out as bisexual, and being around Charlie if they were on a date would be complicated to say the least. Still, he wanted to see Cas, and Sunday was his only day off...

“Yeah, I can do that.” he said.

“Really?!” Cas' relief was audible and Dean smiled.

“Yeah. Look... I feel bad asking this, even worse doing it but... I'm not ready to tell anyone yet, you know?” Dean chewed on his lip. “I'm not ashamed of being on a date with you, far from it, I just don't think I'm ready for that.” He could hear Cas' smile in his voice.

“It's okay, Dean. I understand. Maybe we could get Charlie drunk enough to slip away for a little while.”

“Or we could have an after party snack somewhere...” Dean suggested, his pulse quickening.

“Sounds perfect,” Cas breathed. There were a few beats of silence.

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“I've, uh...” He took a deep breath. He'd been trying for the past two weeks to work up the courage to tell him about Aaron in detail, to explain why he was so worried. Dean knew, if he was going to have anything with Cas, he'd need to talk to him about what had happened. The timing had never felt right, and the more he thought about it, the conversation about Aaron wasn't one to be had over the phone, let alone text.

“Dean? You okay?”

“Yeah. I'm good.” He heard Rufus knock on the wall from the front room and holler about needing help. “Hey, I gotta go. See you on Sunday?”

“Yes. Bye, Dean.”

“See ya, Cas.” He hung up the phone, sliding it in his pocket and bouncing out to help Rufus, unable to hide the grin on his face.

 

It was finally Saturday, only one more day before he got to see Cas. It was two weeks out from Halloween, and Dean had finally managed to get the remainder of Bobby's paper files in order, ready to be compiled into their computer software. A visit to Charlie was in order, and that brightened Dean's mood even further. Nick had just arrived for his closing shift, and Dean was getting ready to leave when the bell for the shop door jingled. Dean looked up and immediately steeled himself for a fight, his good mood disappeared instantly. A tall man with short cropped light brown hair and matching eyes had just walked in, wearing a suit that screamed 'I have money' and an attitude to match.

“Mr. Winchester.” The contempt that dripped from the man's voice made Dean's stomach turn.

“Raphael.”

“Oh, Mr. Novak, please. I'm here on business after all.” He met Dean's eyes, and Dean could see in them the superiority he felt, how small Dean was to him. All it did was fuel Dean's anger.

“Get the hell out of my shop,” he snapped, feeling himself bristle. The man smirked, poking at a rubber skeleton hanging from a rack.

“Trust me, I don't plan on staying long.” He put his hand in his pocket, sauntering up to the counter. “I'm just here for a brief chat.”

“Right,” Dean snapped. “Because I would have any reason at all to do business with a schmuck like you.”

“Really, Dean, there's no need to be rude.” Raphael leaned against the counter, turning to smirk at Dean. Nick shifted uneasily behind Dean, but didn't leave.

“There's every cause to be rude. You're an unwelcome dick.”

“I'm here to do you a favor.” He said, some annoyance seeping into his voice. He gestured around the shop. “I'd love to give you a hand with all this-”

“No.”

“Mr. Winchester, again with the rudeness.”

“You son of a bitch,” Dean is itching for a fight now, his fists balled at his sides, “you have some nerve coming in here, after what you did-”

“All I did was offer Bobby a fair deal and a shot at early retirement. It's not my fault he was too stubborn for his own good.” His tone is condescending and it takes every ounce of self control Dean has ever had not to punch him in the face.

“Get. The. _Hell_. Out.”

“Okay.” Raphael raised his hand in a defensive gesture. “I'm going.” He backed towards the door, the smirk back on his face. “Just let me know if you ever get tired of this.” He left, the door jingling as he walked out. Dean just stood there, fuming, staring after him.

“Hey, Dean? You okay?” Nick's quiet voice asked. He turned and nodded.

“Yeah. I'm gonna head to Charlie's. You good to close?”

“I'm fine, you go ahead.” Nick gave him a sympathetic smile, and Dean managed to stop scowling for a moment in thanks. He pulled on his jacket as he walked out of the shop, turning his feet in the direction of Charlie's. She had a tiny office just a couple blocks down from Dean's, a small storefront for her IT business. She did most the actual work at her house, so the office was only open a few days a week. Dean was glad it was open today because he needed the walk to burn off some steam. Seeing Raphael walk into Bobby's shop like that, so arrogant, made Dean want to break something. Namely Raphael.

He walked into Charlie's shop, a chime sounding as the door opened and closed.

“Be right there!” she called. Dean looked around the office, covered in nerdy movie posters and bright colors, and felt the edge of his anger dull slightly. After a moment she walked out of the side room she used for meeting clients.

“Dean!” she beamed when she saw him. “What-” she paused at the look on his face, her smile fading instantly. “Are you okay?” He shrugged.

“Yeah, I'm fantastic.” He tried to keep his voice even, but he knew she'd see through it. He held up the files he'd carried over. “I have a few things I was hoping you could change in our system. Some stuff to add, things that might help me use it better.” She took the papers, setting them on the desk behind her and wrapping her arms around Dean. He stood still for a moment, a bit surprised, before relaxing and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

“Charlie, would you like me to come back?” came a familiar voice from the side room. Dean barely had a moment to prepare himself before Castiel walked out, his face hardly showing the shock at seeing Dean there. Dean, however, felt his heart stop and start again.

“Sorry Cas, it'll just be a moment.” Charlie released Dean from his hug, waving towards him as she walked around her desk. “You remember Dean? From nerd night?” Castiel nods, meeting Dean's gaze. He's paralyzed, unable to move or speak. He acutely feels Charlie's presence where she stands between them, and he's torn between acknowledging the flutter in his stomach from Cas' presence, or keeping his secret.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas says before Dean's silence gets too noticeable. Dean manages to nod at Cas, keeping his face carefully blank in spite of his heart beating faster than it should. He's almost forgotten his anger just from being in Cas' presence.

“Sorry I'm not better company, I've had a rough morning.” He says. Cas' head tilts to the side slightly in concern, but Charlie is on her computer filling out a work order for Dean and luckily doesn't notice.

“What happened?” Charlie asked, then glanced at Cas, “if you don't mind me asking,” she added.

“Raphael Novak decided to pay a visit to the shop, same offer he made Bobby.” Dean said, looking down and picking at the corner of Charlie's desk. “Don't know why the douche can't understand when someone says shove it.” Dean felt the anger in the back of his throat, but swallowed it down as best he could. Charlie, however, nearly fell out of her chair in her hurry to stand.

“Dean- I, uh-” she was looking between him and Cas, wide eyed and panicking. He frowned, totally baffled by her sudden panic.

“Charlie, what's going on with you?” he said, a sudden idea making his anger burn. “Is he messing with you too?”

“No Dean, I-” She looks at Cas again, still looking terrified. After it becomes clear she isn't going to get out in words why she's panicking, Cas takes a step towards them.

“Raphael is my brother.” Cas says quietly. Dean blinks, staring at Cas.

_Well shit._

Dean's stomach sank down to his feet.

The Novaks were old money, they'd been almost running the entire county for generations, and their business ventures had started to spread to the suburbs as the four brothers grew up into the family business, so they made the local papers often enough. The patriarch, Charles, had set up the conglomerate they were today and the brothers: Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel each ran a section of the business. The youngest worked under his brother Gabriel.

And he was just now remembering where he'd heard the name Castiel before.

Dean felt like the butterflies he'd had earlier had turned into razors, and he felt sick. He looked at Charlie, unable to look at Cas.

“Dean, I'm sorry.”

“Why is he here, Charlie?” he asked, his voice too quiet for the turmoil inside him.

“Dean, please-”

“Why?” he said again, his voice darkening. She took a deep breath.

“I'm the web master for the Angels and Demons website. Castiel owns the bar, he was here talking about work.” Of course, Dean thinks to himself. He'd asked what Cas did for a living and he'd said he was an accountant. Apparently that meant for the bar, which explained why he was there so much. With his assistant no less.

“Oh,” was all Dean said out loud, unable to think of anything else. He felt like an idiot, embarrassed. His anger is returning, turning to bile in his throat. Why hadn't he remembered Castiel's name? He should have known it was too good to be true. Charlie walked around the desk slowly, her arm out in a gesture of calm.

“Just listen for a second, Dean, okay?”

“Listen? Charlie, he's a Novak, his brother killed Bobby.”

“My brother did what?” Cas spoke up. He didn't sound angry, just mildly curious. Dean's heart lurched at the sound of his voice, and he managed to look in Cas' direction, though he couldn't meet his eyes.

“A year ago, he came through buying up practically every building in town. Fed everyone some bull shit about beautification or something.”

“I remember,” Castiel said, waving vaguely.

“Yeah, well, the businesses who used his newly acquired buildings? Couldn't afford his jacked up rent. Bobby had to watch all his friends driven out of business, some of them out of town.” He felt the burn returning, the anger he'd felt for nearly an entire year as he watched friends being screwed over sideways. “He came after Bobby's too. Condescending, dripping contempt, rubbing it in. Threw every underhanded regulation Bobby's way, trying to put him out of business. Just to build some freakin' strip mall.”

“Dean, c'mon, it's not Cas' fault.” Charlie said quietly. He fixed her with a stare and she clammed up, backing off slightly.

“Raphael made sure no one lost their business, I remember-” Cas' brow was furrowed in confusion, but he was attempting to defend Raphael and Dean would have none of it.

“Yeah, he made sure he owned those people.” He interrupted. “And the ones he didn't...” Dean laughed bitterly. “Hell, he worked Bobby so hard, the stress sent him to the hospital twice, and the third time...” He ran a hand over his face, the anger in him starting to push at his nerves. He needed to get out of there before he started breaking things.

“Dean, my brother... it's just business-” Cas started but Dean cut him off with a wave.

“Business?! No, I don't want any shit excuses from you. I don't think I'd believe a Novak anyway. Your whole family has done nothing but screw over people in this town for decades.” He gritted his teeth.

“Dean-” Cas' face finally showed something, a recognition that he and Dean had started to have something, and the pain that came with seeing it die. _So much for the Halloween party tomorrow_. Dean felt his heart crumbling inside him, and for the briefest pause, seeing that pain in Cas' eyes, he considered laying off Cas. Only a split second passed before the anger overpowered that feeling. There was no way, no way Dean could have anything to do with his family, and that included him. No way he'd ever be with a Novak.

“Bobby died, because your brother's business venture was more important to him than letting a man have his shop and leave him alone.” He turned his back on Cas, unable to look at him any longer. “Send me the invoice, Charlie.” Dean snapped and stormed out of the store, walking back towards Singer's Supplies.

He felt awful, stopping halfway back to the shop just to catch his breath. He'd started to think that something could happen with Cas, and now it left him with a bitter taste in his mouth. No, there was no way Dean could ever have something good, because it would just be snatched right out from under him. As he walked he saw the Catholic Church across the street, the one the Sheriff said he'd wound up in during his black out. He caught sight of one of the stained glass windows, the angel depicted in it looking down with benevolent open arms.

It made his skin crawl.

He made it back to his store, climbing into his car and driving off, making his way to Alcazar and sliding onto his usual stool. Benny smiled when he sat down, plopping a cup down in front of him and pouring him a shot.

“Hey, brother, missed you around here,” he said. Dean downed the shot and waited till he downed the second before speaking, the burn of the alcohol stronger than Dean remembered, but welcome.

“I wish I had a good reason, Benny, but as usual life just kinda sucks.” Benny nodded, leaving him the bottle, a knowing look on his face.

“Just take the taxi this time, alright?” he said. Dean lifted the bottle in a salute and Benny wandered off to take care of other customers. Dean poured himself a third shot, contemplating the liquid in the cup. It wasn't finding out Charlie was doing business with Cas that upset him. It wasn't that both of them had conveniently not told him Cas' last name, in Charlie's case probably on purpose. Neither of those were the reason his anger was still boiling inside him.

It was because he'd got his hopes up. He tosses back a shot.

He'd let himself believe he could get better, and he'd let himself believe that going on a date with someone would lead to anything but this. For Dean, any relationship always wound up here. Him, alone, drinking himself into a stupor, and hating himself. Aaron had proven that. And then with Lisa...

No, he was stopping right there. He wasn't drunk enough for that trip down memory lane, not yet anyway. He chokes down another shot, pouring the next one before it even finishes burning in his throat.

When he dug himself out of his guilt and memories, he'd gone through two thirds of the bottle. He was only slightly buzzed, and still too angry, apparently he'd not lost his tolerance over the past two weeks. He ran a hand through his hair, and noticed it was shaking when he lowered it again. He balled his hand into a fist, squeezing until the shaking stopped. He pulled out his wallet, dropping some cash on the counter and standing to go. He made it halfway to the door before being bumped in the shoulder by someone.

“Welcome back, Winchester.” The man said. Dean turned his head and gave a withering glance to the culprit.

“Not now, Roy,” he sighed, moving to keep walking. His way was blocked by Roy's ever present sidekick, Walt. The two were poster boys for drunk red-necks and they went out of their way to make trouble around town. Their favorite past time was getting Dean to indulge them in a bar fight. They'd get lucky sometimes and land a few punches, but usually it ended with Dean beating their asses to the floor. They continued trying all the same.

“Someone's in a pissy mood.” Walt drawled, way past drunk himself. Dean rolled his shoulders, setting his jaw.

“How about you fuck off.” Dean grunted, though to be honest, he was itching for a fight, any way to relieve some of this anger, the buzz of the alcohol not helping.

“Pretty boy's angry.” Roy said, moving to stand behind Dean. A strange calm came over Dean, who'd been in more bar fights than he could count. This was easy, this was simple. Pure testosterone driven anger pushed all other thought out of his mind and he was moving before either man had any chance to respond. His right fist connected with Walt's cheek, sending him staggering into the table behind him and he turned, blocking Roy's punch with his left arm and connecting his right fist with Roy's stomach, winding him and sending him backwards as well. Walt had scrambled to his feet and was coming at Dean again, but Dean simply stepped aside slightly, using Walt's own momentum to send a knee to his stomach and toss him into Roy, sending both men sprawling on the floor. That didn't last long, Dean thought to himself, had to be a record almost.

“Hey, enough!” Benny shouted. He had come out from behind the bar, and had moved to stand between Dean and the two men still trying to get to their feet. The bar had gone silent, everyone staring at him. He kept his gaze straight ahead, trying to ignore the faces of the people around him. Benny just shook his head slightly, a sad look on his face.

“Sorry,” Dean mumbled as he turned away, moving towards the door. People knew his drinking habits here, they recognized the 'leave me alone' look on his face, and most averted their eyes. Still, he could almost hear their judgments and their disapproval, inaudible but still there, and he stormed out of the bar, feeling like worse crap than when he had arrived. He glared at the taxi Benny had probably called for him, climbing into Baby and driving her home in spite of the alcohol in his system.

Lucky for him there weren't many people on the road, and he managed to park her fairly straight. He climbed the steps to his apartment, only to find his door unlocked and his kitchen lights on.

“Who's here?” he called as he took off his shoes. Only two people had a key to his apartment, and depending on which one was there would decide how fast they got kicked out. Sam walked out from the kitchen, hands in his pockets, and apparently not surprised at the condition Dean was in. Dean groaned, stumbling past him, half glad it was him and not Charlie, but now he had to deal with his brother.

“Charlie called, said you might need some company tonight.” Sam's voice was calm but concerned, and his poorly veiled disappointment at Dean's relapse offset Dean's anger. Sam never got angry with him when he was like this, in spite of how much like their father it made Dean, and that was a whole load of baggage for Sam. Dean shrugged out of his jacket and shirts down to his bare chest, tossing his clothes on the floor in his bedroom.

“I'm fine, Charlie should leave my business alone.” Dean grumbled, walking into his bedroom after his clothes. Sam followed, leaning on the door frame.

“You're pretty damn far from fine, Dean.” Sam said casually. Dean kept his back to his brother, stepping out of his jeans and pulling on sweat pants.

“What do you want me to say, Sam?” he snapped. “Yeah, I'm a bit fucked up right now. Raphael is starting his shit all over again and I can't...” He took a deep breath, trying to push back some of the anger. “I can't look at that son of a bitch's face without seeing Bobby laying in the hospital.” He slumped down onto the edge of his bed, resting his head in his hands.

“Hey, Dean, you don't have to do this alone.” Sam sat next to him, Dean felt his weight lower the mattress.

“I'm always alone, Sammy,” he said, feeling the anger finally burn off. Sam had that affect on him, regardless of how pissed he was he couldn't stay mad at Sam. The fading anger left a hollow pain in his stomach. “Every time I try I just...” He doesn't know how to express this feeling, this pain inside him. Tears are burning in his eyes but he doesn't remember when they got there.

“I'm right here, Dean.” Sam says quietly. “You're not alone, I'm right here.” Since the day Bobby died he'd been fighting this, telling Sam he was okay, trying to stay strong in his brother's eyes. But Sam knew, he could see how Dean had fallen apart, and finally, it's too much. He can't fight it, not anymore, and Dean lets the tears fall, while Sam rests a hand on his back.

_You have to want to get better._

Cas' words play over again in his mind. And now it's not Raphael's face haunting him anymore. It's not Bobby, or his Dad.

No, this face had bright blue eyes.

“It's too much, Sam.” Cas' face is hovering in Dean's vision and a new pain, this one in his chest, starts to take hold. Dean's words are tumbling out of his mouth, he can't seem to stop them. “I'm just not strong enough, you know? He looks at me and I just... I wanted it, I did, I wanted it to work with-” his brain belatedly catches up and manages to cut himself off before Cas' name falls from his lips. He feels panicked briefly, but Sam doesn't say anything about it, and Dean's grateful for it. Maybe he didn't notice, maybe Dean's ramblings are vague enough.

“C'mon, Dean.” Sam stands and half drags Dean up the mattress so he can lay down, and when Sam lets him go he curls up into a ball. Sam pulls the comforter up over him and turns off his light. “I'll be just outside, okay?” he says quietly. Dean doesn't answer, afraid of saying anything, but manages a small nod. Sam walks out, leaving the door open slightly, just enough so Dean knows he's there. Dean buries himself in his blanket, crying himself into a fitful sleep.

 

_Lisa is staring at him, a half smile on her face. She can't tell he's serious, that he's really leaving. Her soft eyes grow sad as he runs his fingers through her hair._

_“What are you talking about Dean?” she says softly._

_“You found me at my worst,” Dean sighs. “I can't believe you even let me into your home.”_

_“It was never a question, Dean. You needed some help, I wanted to give it to you.” Her arms cross over her chest, and Dean's eyes find his feet._

_“It's not right for you to carry me,” he says. “I can't be there for Ben, and I can't do this to you anymore.” She finally seems to understand what he's saying._

_“So the whole year we spent together, you're just leaving that all behind? Leaving Ben behind?” she says, and Dean hates the betrayed look on her face, the pain he's causing. She was the one that had helped put him back together, and now he was running like he always did when things started to break._

_“I'm so grateful to you both, you and Ben. He's a great kid, and he's going to take care of you. I'm... I'm broken, Lisa, and I'm dragging you down with me.” He bends and kisses her forehead. She pulls away, taking a few steps back._

_“No, Dean. You're not dragging me down, I'm helping you up.”_

_“I see it, Lis, in your eyes. Every time I drink, every nightmare...” Her eyes fill with tears and she looks away from him._

_“Just... stop Dean.” He shakes his head, grabbing his duffle._

_“Say goodbye to Ben for me, okay?”_

_“Dean wait, please,” she sobs, reaching out and grabbing hold of his arm. Dean pulls it away._

_“You deserve better than me,” he sighs, walking out her door for the last time._

 

Dean half woke in the middle of the night, his pillow damp under his face from crying. He flipped it over, rolling onto his side and drifting off into sleep again, images of Lisa's tear filled eyes haunting him till morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at Dean!!! (Or me for that matter!) Let me know what you guys thought about this chapter!


	7. Let It Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The version of Let It Be is the one by Carol Woods done for the Across the Universe movie. I enjoy The Beatles immensely, but this version just does something to my soul that's hard to replicate.
> 
> This chapter is all about the brothers. I know some of you are waiting for the Dean/Castiel relationship dynamic to get moving, and there's a little of that in this chapter, but I needed some Sam action.
> 
> UPDATED!! Made some larger changes in this chapter.
> 
> Thank you SOOOOO MUCH for reading, please please please let me know what I could improve upon!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7: Let It Be- The Beatles (Across the Universe Version)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-8mYqzUJ4U  
> ((For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the video deals with some really sad imagery, just a warning))
> 
> When I find myself in times of trouble  
> Mother Mary comes to me  
> Speaking words of wisdom, let it be  
> And in my hour of darkness  
> She is standing right in front of me  
> Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
> 
> Let it be, let it be  
> Let it be, let it be  
> Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
> 
> And when the broken-hearted people  
> Living in the world agree  
> There will be an answer, let it be  
> For though they may be parted  
> There is still a chance that they will see  
> There will be an answer, let it be
> 
> Let it be, let it be  
> Let it be, let it be  
> Yeah, there will be an answer, let it be  
> Let it be, let it be  
> Let it be, let it be  
> Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
> 
> Let it be, let it be  
> Ah, let it be, yeah, let it be  
> Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
> 
> And when the night is cloudy  
> There is still a light that shines on me  
> Shine on until tomorrow, let it be  
> I wake up to the sound of music,  
> Mother Mary comes to me  
> Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
> 
> Let it be, let it be  
> Let it be, yeah, let it be  
> Oh, there will be an answer, let it be  
> Let it be, let it be  
> Let it be, yeah, let it be  
> Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

When Dean finally managed to crawl out of bed the next morning, he wandered into the kitchen to find Sam sitting at his table, a bowl of cereal in front of him. Much to Dean's surprise, a large plate of bacon and eggs is sitting across from Sam, and the smell makes Dean's mouth water.  He sits down without saying anything and digs in, not caring about his table manners.  Sam glances up from whatever legal document he was reading and stands to get Dean a coffee but doesn't say anything, just lets Dean get his breakfast in his system. Two cups of coffee later, Dean's finally awake enough to mumble thanks to Sam.

“Hey, you've done the same for me,” was all Sam said about it.  Dean stood to put his plate in the sink, looking out into the living room and noticing his couch had been slept on.  A pillow and some blankets sat on one side, and a few boxes of papers sat in front of them.  He also noticed Sam's briefcase, his duffle bag, and his laptop.  He frowned, turning to Sam.

“Moving in? How long are you planning on staying?” Dean asks, leaning against the counter.

“As long as you need me to,” Sam says, looking up from his reading.  The look on his face says his mind is made up, but Dean still feels obligated to argue with his decision.

“Don't you have to work and stuff?” Dean asks, a frown on his face.  Sam stood, reaching past Dean and putting his bowl in the sink before walking out to the living room, talking over his shoulder.

“I talked to Garth, he said that I could work from home for a few weeks.” Sam sat on Dean's couch, pulling one of the file boxes close to him and dropping the paper he was reading inside.

“A few weeks?” Dean repeated, following him. “As in, you're camping out on my couch?” Sam shrugged.

“I'm not going to leave you alone, Dean.  Not when you need me, not this time.  You were so close to getting better before...” He looked up at Dean with his adorable puppy dog eyes and Dean almost smiled, dropping down in his arm chair.

“What about Jess?” he asked, teasingly. “Won't she get jealous?” Sam smiled like he always did when he talked about her, and Dean felt a stab of jealousy that Sam had found someone to help him feel that way, almost immediately replaced with pride for his little brother.

“I talked to her last night, she agrees with me about this. She's a big girl, she can stay in our apartment by herself.” The moment he finished talking he blushed.  Dean blinked at him.

“'Our' apartment? As in both of you?” he said slowly. Sam was still smiling, but it grew sad.

“We moved in together two weeks ago.” Sam shrugged. “I haven't exactly had the chance to see or tell you lately.”

“Yeah, sorry Sammy.” He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “I just... I needed some time, and with work and everything I kinda... I dunno, I got lost.” He figures he should try one more time to get Sam to go home.  “Listen, I'm glad you're here, really, but maybe you should just go. I don't want you to get stuck in my mess, Sam.” When Dean looked up at his brother, Sam had his face on, the one Dean hated, that said he knew Dean was lying about something, but at least he didn't call Dean out on it.

“You have some shit to sort out, I get it.” Sam said quietly, “But you're my brother, and you need me right now. So yeah, if I have to I'm going to camp on your couch until you're okay.” Dean swallowed the lump in his throat.

“All right, just... no hugging.” Sam smiled.

“Deal.”

They sat in Dean's living room for the rest of the day, watching the Indiana Jones movies together in silence, Sam tapping away at his laptop, shuffling papers on Dean's coffee table periodically. It was comfortable, and reminded Dean of their lazy weekends together when Sam was studying to get into Stanford. After the first movie ended, Dean stood to put in the next one, smiling at Sam.

“We haven't done anything like this in almost ten years,” he said casually, popping “Temple of Doom” in the DVD player. Sam looked up at him, a smile pulling at his lips.

“Star Wars, two months before I left for Stanford,” he said, leaning back from his work. “I remember.” Dean sat back down, grabbing the remote and pressing play.

“We need to do this more often."  Dean said quietly.  They fell back into silence again, a comfortable silence that made Dean realize how much he had missed his brother.

About the time Indy is trapped in the spike room, Dean's phone rings, and when he pulls it out of his pocket, he sees Cas' name.  His mood darkens, and he rejects the call, sliding it back in his pocket.  Sam raises his eyebrows, but doesn't say anything.  It buzzes again, and Dean just pushes the button through his pocket.  The third time Sam clears his throat, and Dean pauses the movie, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“What?” he snaps, walking into his bedroom.  If he was having this conversation he wasn't doing it in front of Sam.

“Hey, I just wanted to check on you,” came Charlie's cautious voice.  He swallowed some of his anger.

“Charlie, I thought...” He took a deep breath. “Sorry, I-”

“No, it's fine I'll call later.” She sounds so scared, and it does nothing to help Dean's guilt.

“Charlie, wait,” he says quickly. “I-”

“It's okay, Dean.” She sounds apologetic, but Dean can't think of anything she needs to apologize for.

“No, it's not okay. That was your business, your client, your friend...” He sits on the edge of his bed, starting to itch for a drink, his brother the only thing stopping him.  What little good feeling he'd gained started to slip away.  “I had no business airing out my baggage like that.”

“I know how you feel about Castiel's family,” she said. “God knows I've dealt with their crap before too. But Cas... he's different. That's why I was willing to work for him, you know? Why I thought it would be okay to introduce you guys.” She's speaking hurriedly, like she had been practicing this and was afraid Dean wouldn't let her finish. “He's gentle where his brothers are cruel, he's not all arrogance and narcissism, he actually has a bit of a self esteem problem, which is adorable.” As she talks, Dean's filled with such conflicting emotions; amazement at Charlie's capacity for kindness, anger at her for hiding Cas' name from him, a deep seated hatred for Cas' family, and an overwhelming desire to believe every word Charlie says about Cas.

      Because he had seen all of that in Cas already, in spite of the brief time he’s known him.

“It's alright, you don't have to defend yourself.” He lays back, staring at the ceiling. “You've got a big heart, Charlie. One of the reasons you managed to stay my friend.” He rubs his eyes. “I just have a harder time forgiving and forgetting.”

“I didn't realize you hadn't recognized him at the bar,” she mumbles.  "I thought you guys were okay, that because he wasn't his brother..."

“I avoid them, Charlie, I don't exactly search out pictures of them in the papers.  I recognized the name I just didn't make the connection.  It's not your fault."  Dean took a deep breath. “I'm not angry at you, okay? I'm alright.”

“Okay, Dean.  I’ll talk to you later,” she says, hanging up before Dean can say anything else.

Well that was an awkward conversation. He walked back out into his living room, shoving his phone back in his pocket. Sam raised an eyebrow, but Dean just shook his head, sitting back down and starting the movie again.  He glances over at his liquor cabinet, but to do so he has to look past Sam.  His little brother's brow is furrowed in concentration, his mouth moving as he goes over a case file.  He sees Sam as he was ten years ago, still all legs and arms, like he was never going to properly grow into them, his hair shorter and generally messier.  They had both smiled more back then, laughed louder.

That was before their Dad had passed away.  Before years of alcohol, smoking, and hard living had finally caught up with John Winchester.  It was strange that something as small as a cold had taken down someone as strong as John.  Dean had always seen his father as this hard, indomitable force.  It was hard to watch him decline so rapidly, a cold taking root in his chest, turning to pneumonia within weeks.  Dean was beyond grateful he'd made it home to his sons, that he'd been there just in time to see Sam graduate high school.  Sam and his Dad had never been close, but Dean knew how much that meant to Sam, and how far it went to mending the bridge between the before his Dad had passed..

“You're thinking too loud,” Sam said, not even looking up at Dean. Dean brought himself back to the present.

“Yeah, well, you're... thinking too loud,” he muttered. Sam smiled and Dean turned back to the movie.

 

Dean went back to work the next day to find a pie waiting for him on his desk, with a note from Charlie saying 'I'm sorry,' taped to the foil. He half smiled and pulled out his phone.

_You, 8:06am: You think I am so easily wooed by pie?_

_Charlie, 8:08am: Well, what if I told you it was one of Thia's special pies?_

Dean felt his mouth water in spite of himself.

_You, 8:09am: All is forgiven._

Charlie, 8:09am: That's what I thought.

You, 8:11am: I meant what I said yesterday.  It's not your fault Charlie. I'm not mad at you.

Charlie, 8:12am: You shouldn't be mad at yourself either.

He sighed, sliding his phone back in his pocket and slicing the pie, trying to ignore the fact that she had a point.  Dean ate a slice, setting one aside for Ash and walking out into the main room, offering a slice to Rufus. They talked shop and joked and Dean felt his tension start to leave his shoulders.  He made it through his whole shift without incident, and when Ash came in for his shift he left, walking down to Charlie's.  She was just closing up her office when he walked up, hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“Hey, Charlie,” he said.  She turned and smiled at him.

“Enjoy the pie?” she asked. He nodded.

“I even managed to share some with Rufus and Ash, you'd be proud of me.” She smiled and linked her arm with his as he walked her towards her car.

“You missed a great Halloween party last night at Angels and Demons.” Dean's jaw tightened and a surge of guilt went through him.  Cas...

“I'm sure I did. Maybe next time,” he managed to say casually.

“Yeah, maybe. They're planning some sort of holiday thing in November or December, maybe we can do that together.” Dean nodded, desperately wanting to change topic.

“Thanks for calling Sam.” He said, trying to push away thoughts of chapped lips pressed to his cheek.  She nodded, pulling her arm away as they reached her car.

“You'd just started getting better, I didn't want to see you fall again.” He nodded, pulling her into a hug.

“See you around, okay?”

“Later, bitch.” She nodded, climbing into her car and driving off.

 

Two weeks passed, and Dean's small episode was all but forgotten.  Raphael didn't come back to see Dean after his last visit, and Dean finally stopped tensing every time the door chimed.  He managed not to drink at all after the first week, not even a beer, and a large part of that was Sam was still staying in his apartment, though on an air mattress and no longer on the couch. Dean's nightmares faded, not gone, but not as intense as they had been.  He and Sam had talked about a lot of things Dean had been pushing away for a long time. They talked about their Dad, about the night Sam got stabbed. They even talked about Lisa, whom Dean had only mentioned in passing to Sam before.

_Two years after Aaron, Dean was still a mess, afraid to get intimate or close to anyone.  Lisa had moved to town with her young son, running into Dean at a coffee shop on the corner.  Dean helped her move in, and she treated him to dinner after.  She kept inviting him out, and Dean kept going.  He had grown fond of her son, Ben, and she was kind and gentle.  Eventually, she had wormed her way into Dean's life, and started helping him rebuild himself.  She was the first person Dean slept with since Aaron, the first to help him gain back that confidence.  But he never truly fell in love with her, which was why he left her.  He knew, deep down, he was using her kindness to get better, and even though he did, she started to care too much, letting Dean’s own poor state affecting her’s.  So he pushed her away instead of dragging her down with him._

Dean thought he'd be emotionally drained after two weeks of baring his soul to his brother, but he felt oddly calm. He would never admit it to Sam, of course, but the chick flick moments did him more good than he thought they would.

He didn't mention Aaron.

Or Cas.

 

Halloween came and went smoothly, and sure enough, the store was super busy leading up to it. By the time he left on the morning of the 31st there was hardly anything left, which meant nothing they'd need to return to the vendor, so bonus points for Dean's ordering skills. He was finally starting to get the hang of being his own boss.

Charlie had dropped Cas' name once while she and Dean were eating lunch, and Dean didn't feel any anger, just a sadness.  He'd have said he missed Cas, but he couldn't go there, no matter how good it had felt before.  Raphael had done too much damage.  Cas hadn't tried to call again after that first day, and Dean wasn't sure if he thought it was a good thing or a bad thing.  He hadn't called Cas either, though he never deleted his number.

 

The first true test of the 'new and improved' Dean came once November had arrived. He woke on a Monday around ten thirty, panicking for a moment that he had missed work. Then he remembered why he was missing work and his heart grew heavy. He walked into his kitchen to see Sam sipping at a coffee and reading something on his laptop.

"You look awful," Sam said when Dean came in.

“Thanks, bitch,” Dean sighed.

“Jerk.” Sam smiled, turning his attention back to his computer.  They'd fallen back into their old comfortable patterns, teasing and joking, and it was like the past ten years had fallen away.

"Guess the honeymoon's over, no breakfast this morning?” Dean grumbled, pulling open the fridge. Sam laughed.

“Dude, it's almost lunch time, you're a little late for breakfast.” Dean pulled out some leftover pizza, sitting at the table and eating it cold.

“Don't judge me,” he said as Sam raised an eyebrow.  After Dean finished eating, Sam spoke up quietly.

“Are you coming?” he asked.  Dean put down the crust he was gnawing on, pushing the pizza box aside.  After a few beats of silence, Dean stands up.

“Gonna get a shower,” he mutters, ignoring Sam's question.  He closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower, glancing at his reflection in the mirror as he waited for the water to warm up.  He was starting to shape up again, Sam's healthy habit of running daily starting to rub off on Dean and he'd been hitting the gym.  He no longer had deep circles under his eyes, since he was getting more sleep, and he'd been keeping up with shaving, so overall he was looking pretty good.  He climbed into the shower, thinking about Sam's question as he washed.

His mother died on November 2, a drunk driver had forced her off the road, leaving five year old Dean and his infant brother in his father's care.  Dean knew that every year Sam went down to their parents' plot to see her, and every year he would invite Dean to go with him, and each time Dean would decline.  Up until his Dad died, he hadn't been out there at all.  After burying John next to their mother, he hadn't been back since, because as a child it hurt too much, and as a cynical adult he didn't see the point.  This year though... So much had happened to Dean, had changed in him just in the last few months.  In spite of losing Bobby, he was sober, he'd caught up with Sam, and things were moving in a positive direction for once.  He dried off and got dressed, heading back out into the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'll go." He said softly, answering Sam's question. Sam simply nodded, knowing Dean well enough not to make a scene.

"Ok." Sam shut off his computer as Dean pulled his shoes on, grabbing a coat to throw on against the chill in the air.  They made their way downstairs to the Impala, pulling out of Dean's apartment and heading towards the cemetery.  The drive to the graveyard was short, and they made it in silence.  When Dean pulled up to the side road, looking up the hill towards their plot he started to feel nervous enough that Sam noticed and briefly gripped Dean's shoulder.

"It's okay, Dean." he said softly, climbing out of the Impala.  Dean followed after a few moments, and started to walk towards the grave.  26 years, and aside from John's funeral he hadn't bothered to come visit.  He felt guilt, shame, and a million other emotions, his steps growing heavier the closer they got.  He set his jaw, determined not to let it get to him, determined to show he was better, that all the work he'd done on himself the last month had been enough.

The brothers stood in silence, looking down at their parent's grave markers.  Sam had brought a flower for their mom and a canteen with a shot of whiskey for their dad, pouring the liquid over the ground with a sad smile.  Dean ran his fingers over the cold stone that bore their mother's name.  He wanted to apologize for waiting so long to see her, apologize to Sam for making him come by himself all these years, but no sounds, no words would leave his lips.  He stared at his mother's name, trying to remember her face, the way she smelled, the way she moved.  He closed his eyes, and he could just hear her voice.

_She would lean over him, tucking him in to sleep, smelling like clean laundry and flowers. Her blonde hair would tickle his face as she kissed his forehead, whispering to him softly._

_'Goodnight Dean. The angels are watching over you.'_

He felt tears cold on his face, wiping them away with the back of his hand.  Sam glanced at him, but didn't say anything.  After a few more minutes of silence, he turned and walked back to the car without looking back, Sam on his heels.

“Do you have plans tonight?” Sam asked as they drove back to Dean's.  He smiled at Sam, a real smile.

“You go spend some time with Jessica, tell her your brother apologizes for hogging you for the past two weeks, and to show you a good time.” Dean wiggled his eyebrow suggestively and Sam smiled, punching Dean on the shoulder good naturedly.

“Dude, come on,” Sam laughed.  Dean smiled right back, punching Sam back on the shoulder, turning serious again.

“I mean it, Sam. You've done enough. I gotta go the rest of the way on my own.” Sam blinked at him, raising his eyebrows.

“Wow, listen to you all grown up,” Sam said mockingly, though not without affection in his voice.

“Yeah, don't get used to it,” Dean sighed, pulling into his apartment complex.  Sam followed him upstairs to grab his laptop and his phone charger.  He wrapped Dean up in a brief hug, in spite of Dean's no hugging rule, and said his goodbyes, leaving Dean to himself for the first time in two weeks.  Dean stood there, looking around his apartment, unsure what to do with himself.  Sam's stuff was still littered around, but other than that his apartment had stayed clean since Charlie had been there last, aside from some laundry piling up in his room.  He looked over at his liquor cabinet, and surprisingly was not even tempted.  He was finally on his way to getting better.  Now all that was left was...

Cas.

His brothers may be total dicks, but Dean couldn't deny that Cas had been kind without pity, open and honest.  Charlie had defended Cas, and Charlie had a good judge of character, not to mention her ability to call people out on their crap. Even now, Dean felt guilt about the things he'd said, about missing the party and standing Cas up.  He'd come out to Castiel, when he hadn't even come out to his brother, and that meant something to Dean, even if he couldn't put a name to it.  If he was completely truthful, before he knew his name he had no problem being around him, and that realization finally strengthened his resolve.  

Maybe they could be something.

Maybe Cas was worth it.

_Maybe..._

Maybe ‘maybe’ was enough.

He pulled out his phone and pulled up Cas' contact, opening up a text message.

_You, 3:34pm: Hey, Cas. Give me a call if you get a chance, I'd like to talk. If you want._

He sent the message, walking out to the kitchen and grabbing a soda out of the fridge, not knowing how long it would take Cas to respond.  His phone started buzzing before he even got the soda open.  He answered, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Hey, Cas,” he said.

“Hello, Dean,” came his answer.  Dean immediately felt the shiver down his spine.  Cas' voice sounded the same as always, like they hadn't just spent the past two weeks on shaky ground because of Dean's hissy fit.  "I'm surprised you want to talk to me," Castiel said gently. "I wasn't sure if I'd hear from you again after..."  Dean didn't need reminding of the words he'd said.

"I got a little hot headed," Dean admitted, taking a breath to calm the shake in his voice. “Look...I need to apologize-”

“Dean, there's no need,” Cas interrupted. “My brother has some... unconventional business methods, and I do not condone what he did.”  He hesitated a moment.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t completely forthright with you.”

“That doesn't matter, Cas.  You're not your brother, and I knew that even when I was yelling at you.” Dean sat at his kitchen table, running a hand through his hair. “I... well, trust doesn't come easy for me.”  He hears Cas' heavy sigh through the phone, but neither of them say anything until Dean finally works up his courage.  “I want to trust you,” Dean says quietly. “I think I need to trust someone. I love my brother, and Charlie is a sister to me, but...” he pauses, trying to find words for what he's thinking. “I need something more than them in my life. I don't know if it'll be with you, if this is endgame, but I need to start somewhere.”

“Dean-I, I'd... I'd like to give this a try as well.” Dean smiled at the earnest sincerity in Cas' voice.

“There's just one story I need to tell you first, one thing.” Dean ran a hand over his face, bracing himself. “It's not a story I've told anyone before, but it's a make or break thing.” He heard a voice on Cas' end of the phone, subtle music in the background. Cas' voice grew muffled and he realized he was talking to someone else.

“Yeah..., okay, just... I know just give me a minute. Thank you Kevin.” Cas said, sighing heavily. “Sorry, Dean.”

“No, it's okay,” Dean said quickly, his resolve fading. “If you've got work, I can call later.”

“No,” Cas said firmly, startling Dean. “I can tell this is important for you, so it's important to me.” Dean felt an emotion he'd never felt before bubble up into his chest, and felt a heat in his cheeks.

“Thanks, Cas.” He smiled. “But to be honest, this is really something I want to tell you in person. I don't feel right telling you over the phone.” He heard rustling on Cas' end of the line, something that sounded like a door opening and closing.

“I'm at Angels and Demons now, if you're free,” he said. Dean smiled.

“I'll be right there,” Dean said.

“See you, Dean.” Cas hung up the phone, and Dean jumped to his feet, grabbing his coat and heading out the door.

 

Dean slid his jacket off his shoulders as he walked into the club, looking towards the booths, and immediately spotted Cas, his mop of hair and shining blue eyes pulling Dean towards him like a magnet. He walked over to the booth and slid in across from Cas, setting his jacket next to him.  Cas was in another button up long sleeve shirt, but he was missing the tie and the jacket, which was a nice change.

“Hello Dean,” Cas said, a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” he said, watching Cas sip at his drink. Now that he was here, it began to weigh on him exactly what he was about to do. There wasn't anyone to overhear them, the DJ was doing his sound check for that evening, and other than a few early drinkers at the bar no one was there except for the two of them. The music wasn't loud, but it wasn't exactly background either. In other words, Dean was out of excuses. He swallowed and met Cas' gaze.

“Take your time,” Cas said, sensing his hesitation. Dean chuckled under his breath.

“I've been carrying this story around with me for nine years. I need to tell it.” He looked down at the table. Castiel looked around as a large rowdy group of guys stalked in, starting to make a fuss about it being someone's bachelor party.  Dean's gaze fell on the small

brunette behind the bar.

      "She's got her work cut out for her," he pointed out.

“Hannah can take care of herself, she's stronger than she looks,” Cas smiled when Dean's face turned back to him.  "Want to head up to my office?” he added, “It's a little more private-" Cas' eyes fell to the table and he blushed. "Quieter, easier to talk..." Dean felt a chill when he realized he was making Cas nervous.  That the thought of being alone with Dean made him just as anxious as Dean had felt on the drive over here.

"Yeah, sure," he said, grabbing his jacket and standing, following Cas through a side door marked for employees only. They made their way down a hallway, and at the end there was a large door that Cas unlocked and walked inside, turning on some lamps. It was an office decorated in blacks and browns, plain but comfortable, a smaller desk on the right side and a larger desk with a love seat and a chair sitting in front of it on the left.  Cas walked around the larger desk to a small fridge.

“Want anything?” he asked.

“Water's fine.” Dean swallowed hard.  The more he thought about what he was about to do, the more Dean really wanted to just leave, just turn and walk out.  He didn't though, and accepted a bottle of water from Cas with a small thank you, watching him sink onto the couch and gesture for Dean to sit.

“You said you needed to tell me something?” he asked as Dean sank onto the couch next to him.

“Like I told you, I'm not out, and I want to tell you why.” He pushed the last of his hesitation aside.  This was it.  “His name was Aaron.”

 

_Sam had just left for Stanford, leaving Dean without his brother, without his father, and with no real responsibility for the first time in a long time. He was out of town at a bar, just hanging out and playing pool. He'd noticed years ago he was attracted to men, but with Sam being his responsibility, he hardly brought any girls home, he wasn't going to add to the family drama by bringing a guy and risking his father’s wrath. That first night of freedom in that bar, he met Aaron.  All American, suave, beautiful brown eyes, and very much into Dean.  So he gave in, he flirted back, and the spark of not only a new attraction, but a totally new type of relationship, made Dean high.  He told Bobby he'd be staying out of town for a few days, had gotten himself a motel room, and totally thrown himself into Aaron._

_They went out for dinner, for movies, they laughed, they hustled pool.  And they kissed. Dear God they had kissed, grinding up against each other in movie theaters, in bars.  Then the next step, Dean's first experience giving a blow job.  Aaron was opening Dean's eyes, and it was something Dean was enjoying immensely.  Before he knew it, he was falling, head over heels for him, in just two short months.  He put everything he had into Aaron, and Aaron ate it up greedily._

_One night, Aaron had him behind the bar, pressed up against the wall, and before Dean could prepare himself for what was happening, he'd taken Dean for the first time right there, quick and messy.  Right after, before Dean could recover, or say anything, Aaron dressed and left in a hurry, leaving Dean alone in the alley.  When Dean tracked him down the next day outside the motel, Aaron was tossing a bag in his car, getting ready to leave.  Dean would never forget the look on his face when he told Aaron he loved him, right there at his truck, begging for him to stay._

_“Dean, buddy, you're just a distraction.  I was just passing through, needed to blow off some steam. You didn't think I'd take you seriously, did you?” His laugh as he drove away haunted Dean for months.  It wasn't just the rejection, that he was used to from girls all the time, it was the fact that it was his first, on a lot of different levels.  His first relationship with a man, his first sexual experience with a man, and his first time falling that hard and that fast.  Dean had made himself vulnerable, had risked acting on emotions and attractions he'd never given into before, and then was basically told he was nothing but a pretty face, good for a quick fuck and nothing else. It seemed silly to worry so much about how he'd lost his 'virginity', his first time with a girl was hardly anything special, but the whole experience had been so new and different, he'd wanted this first time to be different._

_It took him the better part of a year to build up his confidence, almost another before he allowed Lisa in his life.  And another two years to get back to where he was able to pick up women again.  After Aaron had left, he'd avoided any kind of flirtation with men, faked or not, shutting down the moment a guy even jokingly shot a wink his way.  It took so long to build himself back up, he almost wasn't sure he'd ever be able to do it._

 

As he told Cas the story, he felt all the pain, all the fear rising up inside him again, but instead of him retaining it, as he talked, it passed through him and out, and with every word, every detail, he felt lighter and better. Dean finished his story, letting it hang in the air between them, waiting as Cas processed what Dean had told him.

“Thank you for sharing that with me, Dean.” Cas said softly, the sincerity in his voice again taking Dean by surprise.

“Thanks for listening, I guess,” he said. He felt Cas' hand on his arm, warm and reassuring, and Dean didn't even flinch from the touch. It really was an unexpected relief, finally telling someone the truth.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked. Dean nodded, meeting his gaze and giving him a small smile.

“It's never fun digging all that up, but yeah, I'm okay.” He stretched, loosening tense muscles. “I've needed to get that off my chest for years, it feels good to get it out.” Cas smiled, and Dean felt an electric tingle at the sight.  "I just, I needed you to know why I might... If we..."  Dean couldn't finish the words.

      "If we became more?" Cas finished, a note of hope in his voice.  Dean's eyes found the floor as he swallowed the butterflies back down into his stomach.  He could hear the voices and the music from the bar getting louder, bringing him back to where he was.

      “I'll let you get back to work,” Dean mumbled, reaching around to pick up his jacket. Cas' face fell slightly.

“You don't have to go.  I mean... if you don't want to.” Cas blushed as he talked, and Dean's heart trembled. God he was beautiful when he was nervous.

“It's alright,” Dean said, pulling his jacket into his lap.

“I'm done with work. I, uh... I don't um...” Cas ran his hand over the back of his neck, obviously nervous about something. “In light of what you've just told me, I understand if this seems a bit awkward, but I don't.... Would you mind if- if it's okay with you could... could you give me a ride home?  I wouldn't ask but Kevin had some things to do and... I can call a taxi..."  He was blushing and fidgeting and Dean couldn't help but laugh.

“No problem,” Dean said, a small smile playing on his lips. Cas let out a breath as he stood, heading towards a coat rack and pulling on his oversized trench coat again.  Dean turned away as he pulled on his own jacket to hide his grin.  Cas led Dean out a back door in the hallway by Cas' office, coming out on the far side of the building from the entrance, and they walked over to Baby. Once they were inside the car and the heater was semi running, Dean turned to Cas.

“So where to?” he asked. He followed Cas' instructions on how to get to his house; Dean was familiar enough with the area to know where he was going, but it wasn't a part of town he really spent any time in. As they drove he started feeling more and more out of place, they were passing houses larger than his entire apartment building, driveways filled with an unnecessary amount of cars.  He calmed down slightly when they pulled up to Castiel's, compared to some of the houses on the block, his was modestly quaint.  It was still a mansion by Dean's standards, but it only had a two-car garage, and it didn't look like the house of someone bragging about how much money they had.  He pulled up to Cas' gate, entering the code Cas told him, and driving up to the turnaround in front of the house.

“Thank you,” Cas mumbled as Dean killed the engine.  Cas bit at his lip, obviously still nervous, so Dean reached out and took his hand, squeezing slightly.  The smooth skin was so different from his rough, calloused palms and fingers, and he ran his thumb across it, enjoying the sensation.  Cas squeezed Dean's hand back, watching the movement of Dean's fingers.

“No problem, Cas.  Besides, we've got to figure out where to go on our next date.” Dean reassured him, his thumb still tracing lazy circles on Cas' hand.  Cas' eyes moved up to meet Dean's, and when they locked together Dean forgot to breathe.  The hope in his eyes, the absolute unbridled happiness that Dean wanted to see him again was something Dean had never seen directed at himself before.  Cas' eyes shifted to Dean's lips, then back to his eyes again, and Dean felt a gravity pulling on him, urging him to lean in, to close the distance between them.  Dean opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by his phone, and the spell broke.  He reluctantly pulled his hand back and broke away from Cas' gaze to look at the caller ID, and saw Charlie's name.  He answered, motioning for Cas to wait for him.

“Hey Charlie,” he said, watching Cas' eyes widen at the name.

“Hey, where are you?” she asked. He frowned slightly.

“Out driving,” he said vaguely.

“I'm hoping not to a bar?” she asked casually, but he could hear the underlying worry in her voice.

“Don't worry, I'm perfectly sober,” he said, sighing.  Cas' eyebrows furrowed, his head tilting to the side slightly and it made Dean's heart miss a beat.

“Sorry, I'm not trying to mother you. I just swung by your apartment and didn't see Baby. I was going to see if you wanted to watch a movie or something.”

“I don't need a babysitter.” Dean chuckled. “You and Sam are both going to lose your girlfriends if you keep worrying about me like this,” Dean made sure the jest was evident in his voice.

“Fine, jerk,” she said in equal fun, and he smiled. “See if I invite you anywhere ever again.”

“Huh, so you're not already planning the holiday party you're going to invite us to in December, right?” Cas has been watching Dean as he talked, his smile spreading and the wrinkle in the corner of his eyes reappearing.  Dean switches ears and reaches back out to Cas' hand, wrapping it up in his tightly.

“That's not fair, holidays get a pass!” she said indignantly, and Dean laughed.  A deep, honest, laugh and it felt so good to finally laugh again.  He felt Cas' hand tighten in his.

“I'm headed home, Charlie, I'll talk to you later,” Dean said.

“It's good to hear you laugh again, Dean,” she said quietly.  He looked over at Cas, getting lost in his eyes.

“It feels good to feel good again,” he said just as quietly.

“Bye, Dean,” she hung up. He slid his phone back in his pocket.

“So, our next date,” he said, his thumb resuming its lazy circles.  He tried not to think about the rest of Cas' skin feeling this soft. “Got any ideas?” Cas shrugged.

“Not really. I don't...” he bit at his lip, looking down at their fingers. “I've never been on a date here in town, not since I moved out here a few years ago.” Dean sat up straighter.

“You haven’t been on a date in a few years?  I would think guys, and girls, would be lined up to take you out!” Cas blushed furiously, locking his eyes on his knees..

“Well, yeah people have asked but...” he gestured at his house. “They're not really interested in me, just my name, or my money.  I've never had a real connection with anyone... until I met you.”  Dean wants so badly to just lean in and kiss Castiel, to hold him, but he settles for squeezing his hand one last time.

“Tell you what, I'll call you sometime, and come pick you up, and we'll just see where the road takes us.  No plans, just whatever.” Cas looks back up and smiles at Dean.

“I'd like that,” he says.  He releases Dean's hand reluctantly, his fingers sliding slowly away from Dean's, tracing a line on his palm, and climbs out of the Impala, waving as he walked towards his door.  Dean waited till he walked into his house before starting the car and turning back down the driveway, trying not to speed the entire way home.  He was feeling whole, for the first time in a very long time, and he refused to let any doubts or worries take it away.  He was going to have this night, this one night of limitless possibility to hang onto before being sucked back into reality.

Because someone with scruffy hair and blue eyes had held his hand and not wanted to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it came across that what Aaron did to Dean was NOT non-con. I don't write rape, nor do I read it, and I DID NOT want it to come across that way! Dean didn't mind that Aaron had sex with him, what hurt Dean was the way he abandoned him afterwards.
> 
> Castiel is getting under Dean's skin! He's got a long way to go but we're getting warmer.
> 
> LET ME KNOW WITH KUDOS AND COMMENTS WHAT YOU THINK!! I'll try to post a bit faster, though I'm in the middle of beta-ing someone else's work as well.


	8. What's Left of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~*~*~* BETA'D*~*~*~
> 
> I did say slow burn in the tags....
> 
> Leave me some comments and kudos!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8: What's Left Of Me- Nick Lachey  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiA0nQpvlLU  
> Watch my life, pass me by,  
> In the rear view mirror  
> Pictures frozen in time  
> Are becoming clearer  
> I don't wanna waste another day  
> Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes  
> Yeah...
> 
> [Chorus]  
> Cause I want you, and I feel you,  
> Crawling underneath my skin  
> Like a hunger, like a burning,  
> To find a place I've never been  
> Now I'm broken, and I'm faded,  
> I'm half the man I thought I would be:  
> But you can have what's left of me
> 
> I've been dying inside, Little by little,  
> No where to go but going out of my mind  
> In endless circles,  
> Running from my self until,  
> You gave me a reason for standing still
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> It's falling faster, Barely breathing,  
> Give me something to believe in  
> Tell me: It's not all in my head
> 
> Take what's left of this man  
> Make me whole once again
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> I've been dying inside you see  
> I'm going out of my mind, Out of my mind  
> I'm just running in circles all the time  
> Will you take what's left, Will you take what's left  
> Will you take what's left of me?  
> Just running in circles in my mind  
> Will you take what's left, Will you take what's left  
> Will you take what's left of me?

November passed in a blur. Hunting season for deer and turkey was under way, and along with hunting equipment Singer's carried fire pits and cold weather clothes, so the store stayed fairly busy.  Dean was working open to close almost every day, which didn't leave him much time to sneak away and see Cas.  He called him whenever he had a free moment, and their conversations lasted anywhere from ten minutes to hours.  They made a rule early on, thanks to an idea from Cas, that every time they talked, they would tell each other something new about themselves.  Cas reasoned that the better Dean knew him, the more comfortable he'd feel.  Though in light of the story Dean had already shared, the activity seemed semi-redundant, but Cas insisted. _'I want you to go at your own pace, to learn to trust me,_ ' he'd said. Dean agreed with the logic, and so they found themselves playing an odd get to know you game.

He told Cas that as a guilty pleasure, he watched Dr. Sexy, MD.

Cas responded by telling Dean he wanted to start a charity organization.

Dean told Cas he and Sam had once snuck into a toy store after hours and played all night until the store clerk found them asleep on the floor the next morning.

Cas told Dean he was trained in ballroom dancing, and his brothers didn't know.

Dean admitted he loved working on cars, fixing them, repairing them.

Cas admitted he sometimes sang (horribly) in the shower.

Eventually, Dean told Cas what it was like being on the road with his father, raised like a marine, and how he had to grow up so fast. How it felt to have to be Sam's dad because their own father couldn't.

Castiel told Dean how strange it felt that, when his father went missing almost six years ago, he hardly cared.  He respected his father, but he wasn't raised by him, he was raised by caregivers.

During their last conversation, Dean had talked about his dependency on alcohol, about how it had started to run his life without him even realizing it.  Cas had gone quiet, but assured Dean nothing was wrong.  Dean reasoned he was probably working up to his own big secret, and didn't push the matter.

Dean started to eagerly wait for Cas' phone calls, the sound of his rough voice over the receiver soothing and exciting at the same time.

And every day that he walked by the liquor cabinet without opening it, he counted as a victory.

It wasn't until the week of Thanksgiving that Dean had any free time. The shop had done way over expected revenue for the month, so Dean decided to close up early for the holiday, closing Wednesday through Sunday instead of just Thanksgiving and Black Friday. He finished his shift on Tuesday, leaving Nick and Ash to close up.

“You two enjoy yourselves, okay?” Dean said, waving as he skipped out the front door. The moment he dropped into the Impala, he pulled out his phone, dialing Cas' number as he pulled out of the parking lot.  It rang twice before Cas answered.

“Hello, Dean,” he said, and Dean could hear the smile in his voice.

“I'm free till Monday,” Dean blurted, grinning like a fool.

“I'm working until ten tonight-” Cas started.

“I don't care, I need to see you,” Dean interrupted. There was some silence on Cas' end of the phone for a few minutes.

“Suddenly, I find I don't have any work left for today,” he said calmly.  He heard a muffled conversation between him and Kevin, Dean had started to recognize his assistant's voice, and the familiar sound of his back door opening and closing. “Kevin's going to give me a lift home. Meet me there?”

“As soon as I can,” Dean said.

“Bye, Dean.”

“See you, Cas.” He dropped his phone in the front seat next to him and turned around towards Cas' neighborhood.  He was nervous, excited, and anxious, his whole body shaking with anticipation, and he laughed at how ridiculous it made him feel.

As he turned into Cas' neighborhood, his phone rang again.

“Hey,” he answered.

“Dean! Where are you?” Cas' voice was hushed, and the nervousness gave Dean pause.

“I just pulled into your neighborhood...”

“Charlie's here, she just showed up,” Cas hissed softly. Dean pulled to a stop along the side of the road, just two more turns and he'd be at Cas'. “What do you want me to do? Should I ask her to leave?” Cas asked in a whisper.

“No, you don't have to do that,” Dean sighed. There was nothing wrong with Charlie being at Cas', but Dean had absolutely no excuse to be there.  As far as Charlie knew he hated the guy, he hadn't spoken to her about him since he'd gone off in her office. “Listen, I can come back later,” Dean sighed, not really wanting to, but not having much choice either.

“I'm sorry,” Cas sighed.

“For what?” Dean laughed, “For having a friend come see you? Don't worry Cas, we have all weekend.” He blushed at his sudden implication that he'd be spending the entire weekend with Cas.

“I don't want to wait to see you,” Cas said breathily, sounding equally as embarrassed. “Hang on,” he hissed, and Dean heard a rustle like a phone being dropped in a pocket. He could hear the muted conversation through the fabric.

“--- up Cas? You seem a little out of sorts today,” Charlie's voice.

“I've been... distracted recently,” he says, and Dean smiles at the embarrassment in his voice.

“That's what Kevin's been telling me,” Charlie says slyly.  Dean chokes on air and he hears Cas do the same.

“Kevin... what?” Cas gasps. Charlie laughs.

“He hasn't told me any who's or what's, but he's noticed you've been talking to someone, skipping out on work, and smiling more often. You're seeing someone, aren't you?” Dean hears rustling, then Cas' voice.

“I've...” Dean can imagine the stare Charlie is giving him. “Yes, I've been talking to someone.” Dean blushes at the pride in Cas' voice.

“Just talking?” she insinuates. There's a slight pause, then, “Oh,... oh.” Dean would pay good money to see the look Cas gave her to earn that reaction.

“I think it might be getting serious.” Cas says, and Charlie squeals, then becomes muffled, and Dean figures she's hugging Cas.

“--- so happy for you! It's been how many years now since your last real date?”

“Almost...” Cas pauses, “well, since Balthazar almost 15 years...” Dean is stunned.  He thought he'd had issues dating, but _15 years_?

“Yeah, I guess that was your last date,” Charlie said, thoughtfully. “Well, who is it?”

“A guy.”

“A guy… uh huh… helpful.”

“Charlie, I-”

“Tall, short, fat, sexy?”

“He's...” A pause, “gorgeous, and funny, and kind, and I think the worst part is he doesn't know it.”  Dean can feel his cheeks growing hot.

“Sounds nice, do I know him?” There's a few beats of silence.

“Look, Charlie, I don't... I don't want to jinx anything, okay?”

“Oh, fine, spoil sport.” Dean lets out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, and he heard more rustling of fabric.

“--- I'll get around to telling you,” Cas says warmly.

“I'm going to keep bothering you until you do, just remember that,” she says, her voice. fading.  After a few minutes, Dean hears more rustle of fabric then Cas' voice clearly.

“Dean? Are you still there?”

“Of course,” he says, smiling.

“Did you...”

“Hear every word you guys said?” Dean finished. He heard Cas cough.

“I, uh...”

“No, I like that you think I'm gorgeous,” Dean teased, turning on a side road and up to Cas' from the other direction so Charlie wouldn't drive past him. He pulled up to Cas' gate and typed in the code, driving up the driveway.  Cas was waiting outside for him, adorably bundled up and flushed from more than just the cold.  He climbed into the Impala, not meeting Dean's gaze.

“You heard everything.” He said softly.  Dean watched Cas' face carefully.  He had learned a new thing about Cas from that overheard conversation, maybe it had been a bit more that Cas was ready to tell.

“Is this about Balthazar?” Dean asked gently.

“It's what I was hoping to talk to you about tonight. It's my turn after all.” He starts pulling at the sleeve on his trench coat nervously. “The last time we saw each other you told me about Aaron and... that was brave of you, Dean. I just-” He shrugs, turning to look out the window. “Maybe I'm not that strong.” Dean reaches over, taking Cas' hand, the feel of his fingers wrapped in Dean's already becoming so familiar.

“I think you're stronger than you realize,” Dean assured him. “One day at a time, right?” he says softly. Cas looks down at their fingers.

“Yeah,” he agrees, a small smile pulling at his lips. They sit in silence for a minute.  Dean watches Cas' face, something akin to guilt, embarrassment and shame crossing his features.  He recognizes them so well because he sees them on his own face so often.  Dean squeezes Cas' hand to get his attention, swallowing a lump in his throat when those blue eyes come to rest on his.

“Cas? We don't have to go anywhere, if you're not up to it.” Dean says quietly.  Cas' brow furrows into a frown.

“I don't want you to go, either,” he says tightly.  Dean smiles, pointing up at Cas' house.

“Well, somewhere in this huge mansion of yours you have to have a television, and I know you have a phone...”

“Okay?” Cas looked confused, and Dean couldn't help but smile even bigger.

“So, what do you say we watch a movie and order in some take out or something?” Cas blinked for a few moments and then blushed.

“I- I didn't want to ask, I mean,” Cas starts, but before he can finish Dean pulled his keys from the Impala and climbed out, walking quickly to Cas' door to avoid the cold.  He heard the car door open and close behind him and quick footsteps to catch him up.  Cas moved past him, brushing his shoulder slightly, unlocking the door then disabling the alarm system, stepping aside so Dean could walk in.

As Cas shut the door behind them, he took Dean's coat and hooked it on a coat rack, walking into the house, and Dean followed, walking through the entry hallway towards the living area.  Whatever Dean was expecting his home to look like, this wasn't it.  He looks around in stunned appreciation, knowing he was gawking but he couldn't stop.

It's comfortable, not stuffy and over decorated.  The couches are plush, and looked well used, and the colors all around the room are muted shades of greens and browns.  He can see an office leading off of the living room through an open door, and behind the stairs leading up to the second floor he saw a bathroom.  Scattered across one set of shelves there were pictures of people.  Cas' family he recognized, Charlie, and a handful of people he didn't know, whom he assumed were probably friends from college, judging by their ages.  It looked like a home.

“I might have something in here we can eat, instead of ordering out...” Cas said from the kitchen. Dean walked in behind him and his eyes opened wide. _This_ was a kitchen, island counter, six burner stove, and a fridge Dean could climb into.  Not to mention what looked like miles of counter space compared to what he had in his apartment. “Hey, you okay?” Cas asked. Dean grinned.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just... the things I could _make_ in this kitchen...” He walked up to Cas, who had pulled a large tupperware from the fridge.

“You enjoy cooking?” he asked.  Dean nodded.

“I mean, I'm not the greatest chef in the world, but I'll make you the best damn cheeseburger you've ever had.” Cas smiled as he pulled some plates out of a cupboard, opening the tupperware and dishing out two portions.

“I might have to take you up on that someday.” He put their food in the microwave. “Homemade teriyaki stir fry. About the only thing I can manage to make,” Cas explained.  As he heated up their food, Dean sat on a stool at the island counter, watching Cas' movements as he pulled glasses out of a cupboard and got them some ice water.  Dean's mind started to wander, and he saw lazy days in this kitchen, making breakfast, sitting around chatting over ice cream, and he felt the heat rise in his cheeks when Cas looked at him strangely, setting the noodles in front of him and handing him a fork.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. They ate in silence for a while, Dean's mind reeling from his domestic fantasy.  He'd never wanted that before, he'd never thought of himself living a life with someone.  He always just figured he'd be alone... He brought himself back to the present when Cas started to talk.

“I guess I should stop stalling,” he sighed.

“Hey, you don't have to tell me tonight,” Dean said, pushing his noodles around his plate.

“It's alright Dean,” Cas said with an easy smile.  He took a deep breath. “I was just about to finish my bachelors degree, one year left,” he began. “Growing up I'd never really... I was always a bit socially awkward, and I never really saw the point in dating anyone. I met Balthazar and he, well he decided I needed to live more.  He was British, blonde, and hilarious.  He dragged me headlong into a relationship.”

“By dragged do you mean...?” Dean didn't really know how to ask that question, but Cas must have understood because his eyes widened and he shook his head.

“No, he didn't do anything wrong, he never hurt me, but he cared about me more than anyone had before.  He loved me.  And I mean, deeply loved me.” Cas picked at his noodles for a moment.  “But I could never get there.  I never loved him, not the way he deserved.”  He leaned back in his chair, running a hand over the back of his neck.  “We left on good terms, but it was still hard for us both. I hated hurting him.”

“I can understand,” Dean said, finishing the last of his noodles. Cas stood and Dean followed suit, walking with Cas to put their plates in the sink.

“I wanted to love him, I did. I don't know why I couldn't.” Cas leaned heavily on the counter, and Dean felt his heart go out to him, his experience with Lisa eerily similar.  Only she hadn’t started out with the intention of starting a relationship, it just sort of consumed them.

“Cas,” Dean said softly, resting a hand on his shoulder.  Was he imagining that Cas leaned into his touch slightly?  Before Dean could figure it out, Cas turned, his face brighter than it was.

“I'm grateful to him for one thing,” he said, a small smile on his face, ”he introduced me to sex.  Even some more... adventurous experiences.” He said it so matter of factly, Dean choked on nothing.  Cas' eyes shone with a mischievous glint.

“So you're... experienced then,” Dean said, trying to sound as calm and casual as Cas did, and failing miserably.

“I hope that doesn't bother you,” Cas said. “But yes, I've had quite a few partners.” He turned back to the sink, rinsing the plates and bending to slide them in the dishwasher.  “Male and female, and in between.  Balthazar wasn't picky, and turns out neither was I.”  Dean wasn't sure if the nice view of his ass was something Cas gave him on purpose, just to add to his discomfort, but he was far from complaining. “Don't worry, I've been tested,” Cas added as an afterthought, standing straight again. “Clean since my last partner.”  Cas started the dishwasher and walked to the fridge, refilling their waters.  He handed Dean his and gestured towards the living room.

“Good to know,” Dean mumbled as they walked, knowing he shouldn't be this uncomfortable talking about sex.  He'd slept with probably way too many women over the years, he was far from inexperienced ... _Except with men_... Cas smiled at his discomfort, and it made Dean smile at his own prudishness.  They sank onto the couch, and Dean grabbed Cas' TV remote to turn on Netflix, scanning through random movies till they settled on Men In Black II.  Cas hadn't seen it and Dean didn't mind watching it again.

They didn't say much, but Cas clung tightly to Dean's hand, their fingers intertwined.  Dean had flashbacks to being 13, taking girls on 'dates' and being so proud of himself that he was man enough to hold their hands.  Here he was, 31 years old, and he was just as proud of himself for holding Cas' hand.

As they watched the movie, Cas shifted closer to Dean a few times, so by the time the big final fight was happening, he was flush against Dean's side, still holding tightly to Dean's hand but leaning against his shoulder.  The sun had gone down, so the only light in the house was from the kitchen and the TV.  He studied Cas' face in the dim light; his face had softened as he relaxed, and when he met Dean's eyes the raw happiness he saw was beautiful.  Dean looked from his eyes to his lips and back, and felt his heart flutter in his chest.  Almost immediately after his anxiety kicked in again, his need to hold people he was emotionally invested in at an arm’s length.  It must have shown on his face, because Cas' brow furrowed in confusion.

"What's wrong?" Cas asked quietly.  Dean sighed and looked away, shrugging.

"It's not that something's wrong," he muttered.

"Okay, so what isn't wrong?" Dean couldn't help the half smile that tugged on his lips.

"I don't know,” Dean ran his free hand through his hair. “It's just that, you know things about me, Cas. Things my brother doesn't even know.”

"You know things about me too, Dean." he pointed out.

"I know." He took a deep breath, trying to settle his thoughts, trying to put them into words to help Cas understand. “I can't help it though Cas. I go to bed at night and I wonder, will you call me today? And when you do call I wonder why you took time out of your day to call.  I told you I- I'm not used to this.  And as soon as I start to get used to it, I get scared.  Scared that this is the day you tell me you don’t care anymore."  He had no idea if any of that made sense.  Castiel frowned slightly.

"You can trust me, Dean. I want you to know that." Those words sent a chill through Dean, the movie totally forgotten in favor of the warm body next to him, still pressed against his side.

"There's a part of me that doesn't want to believe it." he admitted. "You're, shit Cas you're beautiful, smart, kind...You could have anyone you want, you know.  Guy or girl, _anyone_ , and I just... I don't want you to waste your time.”  That was the closest he was going to get to describing the fear that Aaron left behind.  Cas seemed taken aback by his words, leaning away from Dean so he could turn towards him.

"You are not a waste of time," he said softly, a small crease between his eyebrows. Dean flushed and stood, taking a few steps back towards the kitchen.  He was unable to sort through his thoughts with Castiel so close.

“You said earlier you didn't think you were as strong as me? You're stronger than me by a long shot,” Dean sighed, staring at the floor.

“Would it surprise you to know I have problems? That some days I just want to run away from it all?” He felt a warm hand on his upper arm, and he looked up to see Cas had stood, walking over to him.  "I can't do it alone, either," he breathed, the sincerity in his voice almost painful.  "Not anymore, not since I met you. Is it so hard to believe I want your help?" Dean chuckled but there was no humor in it.

"I'm half a man, Cas. I'm broken, and I can hardly pick up my own pieces. How am I supposed to help you?"

"Because you already have, Dean.” He ran a hand over Dean's cheek, and Dean turned into the touch. “I was going through the motions until I met you.” Dean felt a lump in his throat, swallowing hard.

“Cas-”

“I know you're getting better too, with your drinking these past two months, you've told me yourself.”

“Yeah, but the closer I get to you, the worse the fear gets.” Dean shuddered as Cas ran his hand around Dean's neck, running his fingers through the short hair.

“I want to give this a chance, Dean." Cas is looking at him with such hope in his eyes, Dean suddenly can't breathe.

"They all leave me," he whispered.  He felt Cas' other hand slide down his arm and slide his fingers through his.

"I'm here," Cas said softly.  These touches, being this close, Dean feels drunk.

"For how long?" he breathes, his eyes falling closed and goosebumps spreading down his arms.  Cas' hold tightens on him.

"As long as you'll have me." Cas' voice was full of sincerity and warmth, and it soothed Dean's anxiety.  For now at least, maybe Dean could believe that.

"Yeah, okay," Dean said softly. “Okay,” he said again, a little stronger.  He looked at Cas, meeting his eyes and managing to smile.  “So are we...?” He didn't know how to finish that, but Castiel nodded, squeezing his hand tightly with a big grin on his face.  They stood there for a moment, Dean swallowing hard against the flutter of his heart in his chest.  He could feel the heat off Cas' body where it stood next to his, his hand still linked with Dean's, his other hand still on the back of his neck.  He was frozen, captured by Cas' eyes, by the affection in his touch, and he was so lost in the moment he nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone rang.  He pulled it out of his pocket, taking a few steps away from Cas.

“Yeah?” he said, clearing his throat.

“Hey, Dean... you okay?” Sam's voice broke the spell Cas had cast over him.

“Yeah, fine Sammy. What's up?”

“Well, Jess is planning Thanksgiving.”

“Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, you know, the holiday?” Dean blinked.

“Like a real one? Turkey and everything?”

“Turkey and everything,” Sam agreed. “She apparently was appalled that we hadn't had a proper thanksgiving since my first year of undergrad.”

“Dude, that wasn't even a proper thanksgiving,” Dean pointed out. “Bobby didn't manage to get a turkey, we had leftover fried chicken.”

“Yeah, well, she's going hardcore. And you and Charlie are invited.”

“Sounds more like 'required’,” Dean said with a smile.

“Don't make this hard on me,” Sam sighed.

“Alright, alright, I'll be there. I've been meaning to get over and see your place anyway.”

“I'll text you the address,” Sam said.

“All right, Sasquatch, see you later.” Dean hung up, turning back to Cas with a small smile on his face.

“Family plans?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, apparently,” Dean laughed to himself, “I can't remember the last actual Thanksgiving we had.”

“They're overrated,” Cas sighed. “We have one every year, and basically all that happens is my brothers argue about how to spend my father's money.” He grabbed his glass of water, walking out to the kitchen.  Dean suddenly had an idea, and he followed Cas out to the kitchen with his own cup.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asked.  Cas shrugged, placing their cups by the sink.

“Nothing really, the bar is closed for the holiday, and I have a few books I'm working on reading...” Dean felt himself smile, and Cas trailed off, giving Dean a strange look.

“Mind if I come over again?” Dean asked.  Cas smiled.

“I don't see why not,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “I take it you have something in mind?” Dean shrugged.

“Maybe... I guess you'll have to wait and see.” He walked towards Cas' door, grabbing his coat, sliding the worn leather over his shoulders.  Cas walked up, sliding an arm around Dean's back and pulling him close.  It was a small gesture but it warmed Dean up from the inside out.

“See you tomorrow, Dean,” he said with a smile.  Dean nodded, and in a spur of the moment move he kissed Cas' forehead, turning and walking out into the cold and climbing in the Impala before Cas could react.  He was grinning like a fool, his mind full of ideas for their day tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of 9/2 at WAY too late at night I am just about done with the updates to this fic so I can post some REAL updates!! I'm scared to post later chapters without making sure the major changes have been made to these :(
> 
> Leave me some feedback guys, I respond to every comment!!


	9. Falling For The First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd and Updated! :D Thank you for your patience
> 
> Here's a happy chapter for you!! So domestic! XD  
> Thank you to those who've read this so far, but brace yourselves for some (hopefully not overwhelming) angst in the next couple chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9: Falling For The First Time- Barenaked Ladies  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibsxpihjKmE  
> I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser  
> I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out  
> I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby  
> I'm so fly, that's probably why it  
> Feels just like I'm falling for the first time
> 
> I'm so green, it's really amazing  
> I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me.  
> I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy  
> It's so strange, I can't believe it  
> Feels just like I'm falling for the first time
> 
> Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost  
> Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost  
> What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?  
> What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind  
> It feels just like I'm falling for the first time  
> It feels just like I'm falling for the first time
> 
> I'm so chill, no wonder it's freezing  
> I'm so still, I just can't keep my fingers out of anything  
> I'm so thrilled to finally be failing  
> I'm so done, turn me over cause it  
> Feels just like I'm falling for the first time
> 
> Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost  
> Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?  
> Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost  
> Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost  
> What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?  
> What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind

When Dean showed up at Cas' the next day, he was loaded up with bags of groceries, and a big grin.

“Dean, what's all this?” Cas asked, stepping aside before Dean bowled him over. Dean made his way into the kitchen, placing the bags on the counter, stripping out of his jacket down to his tee shirt.

“Dinner,” Dean said, smiling. Cas blinks at him as he starts pulling vegetables out of the bags. “I need a roasting pan, a saucepan, and a skillet or two.” Cas starts going through cabinets, pulling out the items Dean listed, his eyes still squinted in confusion.

“I don't understand,” he said watching Dean looking for cooking utensils.  Dean paused long enough to shoot Cas a wink.

“I'm going to give you a nice Thanksgiving dinner,” Dean said, finding the size spoon he was looking for and pulling a chicken out of a bag.

“Dean-”

“No family drama, no stress, just sitting around, eating-”

“Dean-”

“-watching Christmas movies a month too early.” He's pulling spices off of Cas' spice rack, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he walks back and forth in the kitchen.

“Dean!”

“Also, I really wanted to use your kitchen,” he added, passing in front of Cas to grab a plate.  As he reached into the cupboard he felt arms snake around him from behind, hesitantly meeting against his stomach.  He looked down to see Cas was hugging him, his warmth pressed against Dean's back. Dean stopped moving, and one of his hands moved to rest against Cas'.  He stood still for the first time all morning, taking in the feeling of Cas warm against him.

“Thank you,” he whispered against Dean's shoulders.  Dean flushed, smiling, and he gently pushed back against Cas, who reluctantly released him.

“I'm trying to cook here, you know,” he said teasingly, turning to face Cas with his plate in hand.  Cas smiled, opening his arms in a gesture of defeat.

“Okay, let me know if you can't find anything,” he said. Dean gestured at plastic bag.

“Hey, don't forget the movies,” he reminded him. “Mandatory part of Thanksgiving.” Cas grabbed them, grinning as he walked out, and after a few minutes Dean heard Rudolph coming from the living room.

Dean hadn't cooked a meal like this in years, the full spread with roasted chicken, potatoes, green beans, and gravy.  Cas' kitchen made it a lot easier than he remembered, with all the space, utensils, and pans Dean needed.  Some of Cas' things looked like they'd hardly been used.   _What was the point in having a kitchen like this if you weren't using it?_ Dean thought to himself. If they were seeing each other now, Dean would just have to suffer through using Cas' amazing kitchen.  When Dean grabbed a knife to chop the potatoes, the brand on the blade caught his eye.

The knife set alone cost almost two months rent on Dean's apartment.

Dean suddenly noticed the same was true for most everything in Cas' kitchen.  All the good stuff Dean had never been able to afford, it was all commonplace.  Cas didn't act like he was filthy rich, so sometimes Dean forgot he was a Novak.  He didn't have a million useless things scattered around the house like trophies, or cars either, but every now and again little things like the knife in his hand remind Dean just how much money Cas has.  The sound of Cas' chuckle comes from the living room and Dean smiles, shaking off any discomfort he might have had.  He was cooking dinner for his boyfriend, and that was all that mattered.

 

A few hours later, they're sitting together at Cas' dining room table, halfway through Dean's food, and Dean can't remember the last time he'd laughed so much.  They shared easy conversation over the food, Dean talking about how he learned a few of his mom's recipes he'd found in their kitchen.  At first it was just to experiment, and he found out he was pretty good at cooking.  It's strange to Dean, to just talk to someone, about anything, and to have them hang on every word the way Cas was.  They had just polished of the last of the potatoes, and Dean stood to take his plate to the kitchen.  Cas tuts and stands in front of him, his hands out.

“Hey, you cooked, I clean,” Cas insisted, taking the plate from his hands. Dean smiles.

“Alright, deal.” He follows Cas to the kitchen, and he starts packing up their leftovers, splitting what was left evenly into two sets of containers.

“Dean, thank you,” Cas says quietly, his back to Dean.  He begins loading the rinsed dishes in the dishwasher, either unwilling or unable to say anything else.  Dean cleaned the last of the green beans out of the bowl into a tupperware, taking the empty bowl over to the sink, gently brushing against Cas' shoulder.

“For what?” he asked quietly.  Cas focused on rinsing the bowl out, not lifting his gaze, but Dean could hear the emotion in his voice.

“Your kindness. You wanted me to have a good Thanksgiving, so you gave me one. No second thought, no hesitation.” He put the bowl in the dishwasher, turning it on and turning to face Dean shyly. “You dropped everything to give a guy you've known for two months the best Thanksgiving he's ever had.” Dean flushed, wiping at a water spot on the counter.

“I don't know, I just...I like taking care of people,” Dean said softly.

“Why?” Cas asked.  Dean shrugged.

“I don't know, I never really thought about that,” Dean said quietly. “I mean... with Sam it was easy, it just made sense to, he's my brother, you know.” He rubbed at the back of his neck.

“What about you though,” Cas said softly, “What makes you happy, when you're on your own? When you're taking care of you?” He had finally raised his eyes to Dean's, and the kind curiosity warmed Dean's chest from the inside out.  Dean thought about that question, chewing it over before answering.

“I don't really know,” he sighed. "The only thing that really makes me relax is working on the Impala, I guess."  If he was honest, he never really worried about himself much. He hadn't really seen a need to, not with Sam to take care of, and Bobby needed him to help out after Sam left.  For him, they mattered, and when they were taken care of, that was enough for Dean.  Cas must have seen something on Dean's face, and he reached out, running his hand down Dean's arm, raising goosebumps on his skin.

“Guess we'll have to find out what makes you happy," he said warmly.  Dean flushed, looking down at Cas' hand where it was wrapping up in his.  The implication that Cas wanted to make Dean happy, to take care of him, choked off Dean's response.  He didn't trust himself to speak, a tightness squeezing his lungs had made it difficult to even breathe.  With buzzing nerves, he leaned in, resting his head against Cas' shoulder as the other man released Dean's hand and his arms slipped around his waist.

It was a strange moment, Dean felt raw and exposed, vulnerable, and yet at the same time, it was like coming home. It was warm in Cas' arms, and as his own arms found their way around Cas, it was like the rest of the world slipped away, all that was left was the two of them standing there in Cas' kitchen, wrapped up in each other.  Dean felt Cas' breath warm against his shoulder, felt his chest rising and falling underneath him.  His face turned inward, nose brushing against Dean's neck, raising a new set of goose bumps.

There was a knock on Cas' door, harshly interrupting the moment.  Dean pulled away, and after a brief hesitation, Cas turned and walked to the front door.

“Sorry to bother you, Mr. Novak,” came Kevin's voice from the front door.

“Kevin, what is it?” Cas asked.

“Look, I did all I could, but he wouldn't-” he was cut off with a gasp from Castiel, then there was a voice Dean didn't recognize.

“Cassie! You didn't answer my calls!”

“I did that on purpose,” Cas mumbled, then the sound of rustling, “I don't really want company right now.” he grunted.

“Nonsense, I'm family, not company.” Dean heard footsteps coming down the hallway and suddenly he was face to face with someone who's picture he'd only seen in the newspaper.  Dean felt his skin begin to itch.

“Gabriel, come on,” Cas called angrily, walking into the kitchen behind him.

“Oh, awkward! Cassie you didn't say you had a boy toy over,” Gabriel Novak winked at Dean mischievously before heading to the fridge, opening it and then closing it with a pout. “No beer, seriously? What kind of host are you?” he sighed, tossing his flop of light brown hair out of his eyes, which were the same color as his hair and sparkling, making Dean uneasy.  He felt some of his old anger coming back, the anger Cas had made him forget about.  Gabriel's snarky face and attitude reminding Dean that not all the Novak brothers were like Cas.

“He's not my 'boy toy' and you know I don't drink beer-” Cas had just walked into the kitchen after his brother, but Gabriel was already walking out of the kitchen into the living room.  

"Then where's your liquor, dear brother?"  Cas was angry, his cheeks flushed as he walked over to a dumbstruck Dean.

“Dean, I'm so sorry, I didn't expect him until tomorrow morning...” Dean shook his head.

“No Cas, it's okay, you don't have to apologize for him.” He shook off his shock, grabbing his half of the leftovers and making his way to the hallway.  He heard Gabriel climbing upstairs, so they had at least one tiny moment of privacy. “I'll just head home, alright? See you later this weekend sometime?” Cas looked between Dean and his stairs a few times, obviously torn between dealing with his brother and being with Dean. That look in Cas' eyes reminded Dean again that Cas was different, and it made it easier to go.

“I'm-” Cas starts but Dean leans in, kissing his forehead. Cas' eyes are shining when they meet Dean's.

“It's okay, really,” he finally says with a smile, and Cas smiles back.

“I'll call you when he leaves, okay?” Cas sighs, quickly running upstairs when there's a loud thud and a string of curses from Gabriel. Dean lets himself out, walking past Kevin standing in the entryway.

“Um, bye,” he says as Dean walks by. Dean smiles, in too good of a mood to care that Kevin's just seen him walk out of Cas' house.  He climbs into the Impala and heads home, blasting the music in his car and singing along.  The warmth of Cas' skin still lingered on his lips, a fuzzy feeling running through him the moment they made contact.

When Dean gets back to his apartment, it's still too early to go to bed, so he shoves the food in the fridge, grabs a soda, and sits on his couch, clicking through channels on TV till he found reruns of Dr. Sexy MD. He wasn't really watching though, all he was thinking about was Cas, wondering if he was managing with his brother.  He hoped Gabriel wasn't bothering him about Dean being there, he'd hate to give Cas more problems to deal with.  He pulled out his phone, sending a text.

_You, 7:21pm: I hope your brother doesn't give you too much grief._

He didn't really expect a response, he was probably busy dealing with his brother, but to Dean's delight, his phone buzzed shortly after.

_Cas, 7:23pm: He's not any worse than normal. Thanks for worrying about me._

_You, 7:23pm: I had an awesome day today. Happy Thanksgiving Cas._

_Cas, 7:26pm: Thanks, you too, Dean. I didn't want you to leave._

_You, 7:26pm: Me neither._

_Cas, 7:28pm: Guess we'll have to make up for lost time._

Dean smiled, tickled by the flutter of butterflies in his stomach.

_You, 7:28pm: That's a promise._

_Cas, 7:29pm: Better go before Gabe takes my phone._

Dean laughed, smiling to himself.  He felt Cas' arms around him again, felt the warmth of him pressed against Dean.  Dean had wanted to kiss him in that moment.  His cheeks flushed at the memory, at the urge to lift his head from Cas' shoulder, to press his lips against Cas'.  If they hadn't been interrupted, he might have.  He ran his hand through his hair, trying to ignore the teenage hormones coursing through him.  As usual though, the moment the thought entered his head, he couldn't stop thinking about it.

His mind started to wonder what Cas' lips would have felt like under his, how it would have felt to pull him close, to run his hands through his hair, down his back... A shudder ran through him.   _Calm down, Winchester_.  He pulled at his slightly less comfortable jeans, squirming awkwardly on the couch. After another twenty minutes not really watching TV, he got up off his couch, making his way to his shower before climbing into bed early, his thoughts on his big family dinner the next day, and how he wanted Cas to be there.

 

It was turning out to be one of the best Thanksgivings Dean had ever had.

Dean hadn't spent too much time with Sam's girlfriend, Jessica, over the years, but after only an hour in the kitchen with her he decided if Sam didn't propose, he would on Sam's behalf.  She was brilliant, hilarious, and Dean would even admit that she could cook.  She allowed him to help her with dinner, and in spite of his cooking for Cas the day before he jumped in with gusto.  Sam watched the Macy's parade and the dog show with Charlie and Thia in the living room while they cooked, continuing into 'Miracle on 34th Street'.  It was so stupidly happy and domestic Dean couldn't stop smiling.

Dean was impressed with the apartment Sam and Jess had chosen. The kitchen was modest, but roomy enough to work with, the living room spacious, and Dean wiggled an eyebrow at Sam when he thought about their reasoning for having three bedrooms.

“Dean, relax! If you keep poking at it it's not going to cook evenly.” Jess waved a towel at Dean, chasing him away from the oven where he was peeking at the turkey.

“Fine!” he sighed, grabbing his soda and walking out to sit next to Sam.  He held up his glass, and Sam tapped it with his beer bottle. Charlie kissed Dean on the top of the head and wandered out to the kitchen to talk with Jess while she kept an eye on the food.

“Potty break,” Thia announced, standing to head for the hallway, ruffling Dean's hair as she passed.

“I'm not a dog, stop petting me,” he said, fake annoyance in his voice.

“You're just as cute as some of them on that show,” she said, scratching behind his ear.  He waved her away, glaring at Sam as he laughed.  After Sam got his mirth under control, Dean gestured around the apartment.

“So, a real Thanksgiving,” Dean sighed. Sam smiled.

“I know, right? It's kind of scary.”

“Might not want to say that too loud, your woman may not appreciate,” Dean said with a wink.  Sam swung at him half heartedly and Dean dodged easily. “Hey, careful with the soda, man,” he said, setting his cup down. Sam looked pointedly at his cup, his tone turning serious.

“So, no drinking at all, then?” he said softly.  Dean sensed it was a conversation Sam had been waiting to have for a while.

“I don't know, Sammy. It seemed like the easiest way to do it.”

“Is it working?” he asked. Dean shrugged.

“Yeah, for the time being I guess.” A few beats of silence.

“You seeing someone?” Sam asked casually.  Dean shifted on the couch, hoping Sam didn't notice.

“What gave you that idea?” he asked, trying hard to keep his voice steady. Sam smiled.

“Dude, come on, give me some credit. You're smiling way too much considering you've quit drinking cold turkey. You've stopped going to Alcazar, which is worrying Jo, oddly...” Dean waved his hand to stop Sam talking.

“Come on, can't a guy just be happy for once?” He can feel the heat starting to rise in his cheeks in spite of his valiant attempt to pretend Sam's questions weren't bothering him.

“Oh, and you've sent a good 50 text messages this morning. And since all the people you text that much are in this apartment...” Sam was grinning at Dean's discomfort.

He thought he'd been subtle, been able to hide how often he was checking his phone. Apparently not so much.  

He'd texted Cas that morning right before he left for Sam's, just to say good morning.  Cas had texted him a picture of himself looking frazzled, fuzzy bed head everywhere, with a caption reading _My brother is more annoying than words_. Dean, after taking his first selfie, quite awkwardly, sent him a smile with the words _Cheer up_.  Cas had sent him the heart eyed emoji, and Dean had blushed, from a freaking emoticon.  Their texts were intermittent, Cas had left for his brother Michael's earlier, but he seemed to be taking every opportunity to text Dean.

Dean gestured for Sam to follow him out onto the veranda, outside the sliding glass door.  Sam frowned but followed, shutting the door behind him.  The weather was still cold but not unbearably so.  Dean took a deep breath, trying to use the cool air to settle his thoughts.

“What's going on?” Sam asked.

“So what if I am seeing someone?” he mumbled quietly, not even sure Sam could hear.  Sam looked at him sideways.

“How many dates?”

“Really, Sam?”

“Hey, it's my 'is Dean serious' meter. How many?” Dean felt a small smile on his face as he thought about it.

“Five, I guess it could technically be six...”

“Wow, serious then,” Sam said. The sarcasm in his voice was overshadowed by the genuine smile on his face.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Dean shrugged. He fell silent, unable to think of anything else to say.  He could tell Sam now, they were alone on the balcony, no ears to overhear them.  He could just tell him he was dating a man. Anxiety started running along his nerves at the thought, and he tightened his grip on the railing.

“What is it, Dean?” Sam asked.

“I don't know, Sam. I don't know with this one.” He stares off into the distance, not really looking at anything.  It's still early, they've hardly gotten their feet underneath them, and it doesn't feel right without talking to Cas first.  He decides to keep his secret for the time being, and resolves to be extra careful with his pronouns.

“This one's different?” Sam said.

“Yeah it's just... We talked Sam, about a lot. We talked about Mom and Dad, Bobby, we talked about my drinking, their baggage...almost everything.  More than I've even told you.” Dean looked up at Sam, and Sam nodded.

“Wow. Hey, man, good for you.” Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder. “It's about time you found something. I was worried, you know.” _Worried I'd never find anyone_. Dean gave a small laugh.

“Yeah, I know Sammy.”

“Do I know her? What's her name?” Of course he'd ask. Dean tried to look unconcerned, but he felt the flush running up his cheeks.

“I'll tell you, I will, I just want to take my time, okay, Sam?” He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and he pulled it out. It was another message from Cas, another selfie of him looking extremely confused.  The caption read _I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still here and not there with you_.  Dean smiled warmly, then noticed Sam watching him with a raised eyebrow, and flushed scarlet, stuffing his phone back in his pocket quickly.

“You got it bad,” Sam said laughing.

“Screw you, Sam.”

“Seriously Dean, puppy dog eyes and all, you're in bad shape.” Dean walked back inside, followed by his brother's laughter.

“Come on, guys, foods about done.” Jess waved them over. “Help Charlie and Thia set the table. Oh, and Dean, you might want to check on your potatoes.” Dean walked out to the kitchen, checking the food and helping Jess get it into serving bowls while Sam and Charlie got the table ready and Thia gathered up drinks and set out napkins. Jess bumped him with a hip.

“Hey, you okay? You're a little flushed,” she said, handing him the gravy.

“Yeah, I'm good.” He looked around the kitchen, then over at Sam and Charlie arguing over where the silverware should go. _Next year, Cas will be here_... he found himself thinking, and a smile crept up his face. “I'm really good. Thanks for this.” She smiled back, kissing him on the cheek.

“Hey, everyone deserves at least one good Thanksgiving, even you and your brother.” She moved past him to set the rolls out on the table.

“Stop flirting with Sam's lady and get me some turkey,” Charlie called.

They ate, they joked, and Dean laughed, deep, from the belly, feel good kind of laughs. He snuck a text to Castiel, _Wish you were here_. He did have it bad, like Sam said.  For once, though, he was okay with it.

Dessert was Thia's homemade pie, and Dean even managed to leave a slice for everyone else before devouring more than his share.  After dessert stronger liquors were brought forth, and everyone but Dean partook with enthusiasm.  Charlie and Thia were spending the night in one of the spare bedrooms, so they weren't holding back. Dean wasn't tempted, but he was the odd man out being the only sober person.

“I think I'm gonna head home,” he announced.  A chorus of groans came from everyone as he stood, walking around and exchanging hugs.  Jess asked him to stay, but he declined, and after a drunken teary eyed farewell from Charlie, he was in his Impala and on his way home.  He was so stuffed from dinner he barely managed to kick off his shoes and drop his pants before falling into bed.  He managed to stay awake to send one last text to Castiel.

_You, 9:46pm: Hope dinner wasn't too horrible. Good night, Cas. Happy Thanksgiving._

He plugged his phone in and waiting, looking at the message screen for a few minutes, wondering if he'd get a reply. To his delight, his phone buzzed as a message came in.

_Cas, 9:47pm: Happy Thanksgiving, Dean._

Dean fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, let me know how good (or bad) all this is!


	10. E.T.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updated!! Made some larger changes to this chapter, hopefully you like them...
> 
> Ten chapters and we're nowhere near done!! This is shaping up to be the longest thing I've written yet, but I like the way its going.  
> Thank you so much for reading, Kudos and Comments are encouraged!! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10: ET – Katy Perry  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh63nfmb3p0  
> You're so hypnotizing  
> Could you be the devil? Could you be an angel?  
> Your touch magnetizing  
> Feels like I am floating, Leaves my body glowing  
> They say, be afraid  
> You're not like the others, Futuristic lover  
> Different DNA, They don't understand you
> 
> [Pre-Chorus]  
> You're from a whole 'nother world, A different dimension  
> You open my eyes  
> And I'm ready to go, Lead me into the light
> 
> Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me  
> Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison  
> Take me, ta-ta-take me  
> Wanna be a victim Ready for abduction  
> Boy, you're an alien, Your touch so foreign  
> It's supernatural  
> Extraterrestrial
> 
> [Verse 2]  
> You're so supersonic  
> Wanna feel your powers, Stun me with your lasers  
> Your kiss is cosmi, Every move is magic
> 
> [Pre-Chorus]  
> You're from a whole 'nother world, A different dimension  
> You open my eyes  
> And I'm ready to go, Lead me into the light
> 
> [Chorus]  
> Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me  
> Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison  
> Take me, ta-ta-take me  
> Wanna be a victim, Ready for abduction  
> Boy, you're an alien, Your touch so foreign  
> It's supernatural  
> Extraterrestrial
> 
> [Bridge]  
> This is transcendental On another level  
> Boy, you're my lucky star  
> I wanna walk on your wave length And be there when you vibrate  
> For you I'll risk it all, All
> 
> [Chorus]  
> Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me  
> Infect me with your love and Fill me with your poison  
> Take me, ta-ta-take me  
> Wanna be a victim Ready for abduction
> 
> Boy, you're an alien, Your touch so foreign  
> It's supernatural  
> Extraterrestrial
> 
> Extraterrestrial, Extraterrestrial  
> Boy, you're an alien, Your touch so foreign  
> It's supernatural  
> Extraterrestrial

Dean woke up on Friday, and immediately texted Cas, sending him a sleepy selfie with a hello from his bed before he got up to get ready for the day.  He wasn't sure exactly when he became such a sentimental fool, and though he would admit it to no one, he really didn't mind all that much when it came to Cas.  By the time he'd finished showering and brushing his teeth, Cas had texted him back.

_Cas, 9:04am: Loving the bed head._

Dean smiled.

_You, 9:05am: Damn right._

He dressed, walking out to make some coffee and find something to eat for breakfast. His phone rang as he sat to eat, and he answered, pretending there wasn't a huge grin on his face.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

“How was it, dealing with the family yesterday?” he asked. Cas huffed a sigh.

“To be honest, not as horrible as some visits have been. Raphael got pissed and stormed out before the shouting really got started.” Dean winced.

“Really? That's a regular thing?”

“You don't know my brothers,” Cas mumbled. “Gabe's here for work, too, not just to make my life miserable, so I'll be busy all day today.”

“It's alright. What about this weekend?” Dean asked.

“I should be free of Gabriel by tomorrow evening. Even if he's not done with me I'm ditching him.” Dean laughed at the bravado in Cas' voice. “But tomorrow is the company Holiday party, for all the employees and their friends. Club's open just for them and we provide food and entertainment.”

“You good at throwing parties?” Dean asked casually.

“Well, I pay for it, but my partner, Crowley plans everything.”

“Crowley? Who's he?”

“An annoying, British, pain in my ass.” Cas sighed, and Dean couldn't help but smile. “He runs the club for the most part, I just mind the books, tell him what he can and cannot spend, arrange for orders. See, I wasn't lying when I said I was an accountant.”

“Well, that explains the trench coat,” Dean teases.

“Oh, hush.” Cas huffs. “So I guess I won't have any free time till Sunday.” He adds.

“I'm free Sunday, the store doesn't reopen until Monday morning.” Dean is antsy about seeing Cas again, like an itch he's trying to scratch.  He's silently disappointed that it'll be two days until he sees him again, and he hopes it doesn't show in his voice.

“Okay, Dean. Sunday it is.” Dean pauses before saying good bye.

“Hey, Cas. I, uh, I told Sam I was seeing someone. I left out your name, and the whole fact you're a dude, but I couldn't hide it from him.”

“Look, Dean, you don’t have to worry about me.  You just do what’s best for you.”

“I really appreciate that, Cas.” Dean said quietly.  Dean ran a hand through his hair. “I'm just...”

“Not ready,” Cas finished. “It's okay, really.” Dean smiled.

“Thanks Cas. See you Sunday.”

"Sunday,” he confirmed.  “Bye, Dean." Cas hung up, and Dean just sat there, phone in hand.  They were moving into this so slowly, Dean taking the smallest of baby steps, yet Cas was there waiting, his hand outstretched.  It would be so easy for Cas to decide Dean wasn't worth the effort, to just get tired of waiting and give up.  

      That thought still scared Dean, and he thought about it almost constantly when Cas wasn't around.  But one word, one text from Cas and that fear disappears.  A knock on his door breaks into his thoughts, and when he answers, he’s bowled over by Charlie.

“Come in,” Dean muttered, even though she was already in his kitchen unpacking a bag.

“I was sent with your leftovers, you forgot them” she said as she held up some containers before stuffing them in his fridge.  Dean could see she was nursing a slight hangover, which explained some of her grumpy attitude.  He waited for a moment to see if she would say anything else, but she seemed distracted, like she was struggling _not_ to say something.

“Okay Charlie?” he asked. She finished putting the food away, then turned to him, her arms crossed over her chest.

“No, I'm not really okay. And Sam can kiss my ass.” She's glaring at him as he walks up, and she reaches out and punches him in the shoulder when he gets close enough.

“What was that for?” he asked, rubbing his arm.

"You're seeing someone." she snapped. He froze, his breath stuck in his throat.

"Charlie, I-"

"You can't lie to me, Dean. Sam told me." Her arms are crossed over her chest and she's glaring at him.  Dean just blinked. _Dammit Sam, must've gotten a bit too drunk last night._

“What did he tell you, exactly?” Dean asked cautiously.

“Just that you said you were seeing someone, and that you wouldn't tell him who.”

“It's my prerogative to keep my private life private,” Dean sighed.

“Not from me, wise guy.” She poked him hard in the chest. “You are supposed to tell me 100% of Dean related relationship news, it was written in our adopted sister contract.” Dean almost smiled, some of his anxiety easing. She wasn't truly angry at him, just slightly disappointed, Dean could work with that.

“Look Charlie-” he started with a half smile, but she cut him off.

“Don't look Charlie me!” she snapped, poking him in the chest again, trying to stay mad but the corner of her lip was pulling upwards. “Spill!”

“Charlie, I can't.” He walked away, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “I'm just not ready, okay?”

“Is this about Lisa?” she asked softly.  He shook his head.

“No... I don't know, Charlie.”  This was getting dangerous, if he wasn't careful he was going to let something slip.  He decides to just clam up before he says anything incriminating.  She watches him for a few beats, then sighs, miming waving a flag.

“Alright, Dean, you win this round.  But the next time I hear news it's going to be from you, not Sam, right?”

“Yes, Charlie.  Though, Sam wasn't exactly supposed to say anything in the first place,” he mumbled, walking over to his fridge.  She blushed.

“I, uh, noticed you guys talking in private earlier that night and I kinda, once he was drunk, pushed at him till he told me.” She bites her lip sheepishly.

“Really, Charlie?” Dean groans. “And you were getting mad at me?”

“Sorry, I couldn't help it!” she sighed. “Everyone's keeping stuff from me and it's frustrating!”

“Who's keeping stuff from you?” Dean asked, poking around to see what Charlie had brought him, hoping there was more pie.

“Cas has been dodging questions about his new 'someone' too, and it's bothering me...” she trailed off, her eyes widening, as if she just realized who she was talking about. Dean froze in a slight panic, but lucky for him Charlie was too busy worrying about dropping Cas' name to focus on his reaction. “Sorry, Dean I-”

“It's okay,” he said, closing his fridge and leaning against the counter, trying to ignore his beating heart.  “I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I over reacted that day in your office. I'm sorry.” She visibly relaxed, smiling.

“Look at you, being the bigger man.” Dean fake frowned, puffing up all 'macho'.

“Don't go telling anyone,” he scoffed. “I got an image to keep up.” She laughed as she walked up next to him and shoved him, and he stumbled a few steps, smiling.

“Alright, Dean. I've gotta go get some work done.” She gathered her purse up on her shoulder, turning to the door to go.  As she reached for the handle, she paused turning. “Listen, I know you have some baggage, Dean, we've all got some, but you've been doing so well, and I really would like it if-, well Cas doesn't have many friends, and it would mean a lot-  but I don't want you to think I'm forcing you-”

“Charlie,” Dean interrupted, holding his hands up. “You're doing that thing again, where you don't stop talking.” She flushed, finding a spot on Dean's floor to examine.

“I'd like to start bringing Castiel around, when we all go out. I know you have history but he's not like his brothers. Just, maybe give him a chance?” She was so adorably nervous, it made Dean smile.  Not to mention he was thrilled at any excuse to spend more time with Cas.

“Well, you asked so nicely. I'll try to play nice, just give me advance warning when you're bringing him over.” He was careful to keep the excitement out of his voice, but he couldn't help a smile when she beamed up at him.

“Thanks, Dean.” She left his apartment, leaving Dean feeling exhausted in her wake. He pulled out his phone, sending Cas a text.

_You, 10:10am: Charlie just convinced me to let her ask you to hang out with us. I'm not sure how she got me to say yes ;-)_

He waited a few minutes then felt his phone buzz.

_Cas, 10:13am: Must have been one hell of an argument, you're a tough sell. Don't know why you'd want a bounder like me around :-D_

_You, 10:13am: Careful, I might remove your visitation privileges._

His phone is silent for a moment, but then Cas texts him a selfie, his hair's a mess, probably hadn't been brushed yet that morning, he's looking up at his phone and he has the most adorable pout on his face. Dean's heart is leaping around in his chest because he desperately wants to kiss the pout off his face.  He manages to send Cas a text back with shaking fingers.

_You, 10:17am: God, you're freakin' adorable._

He blushes after he hits send but it was true so he didn't care.  His phone buzzed with another picture of Cas. In this one, he was grinning, the wrinkles on the corners of his eyes making Dean's heart ache in a good way.

_Cas, 10:19am: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself._

Okay, two can play that game, Dean thinks to himself. He runs a hand through his hair, spiking it up, then making his best 'come and get me' face, he takes a picture and sends it to Cas.  A few moments after it sends Cas responds.

_Cas, 10:23am: O_O Um... yes please?_

Dean blushed, his heart beating against his rib cage.

_You, 10:23am: Well, you did say please..._

Dean was just starting to enjoy the flirting, but Cas' next message brought Dean back down to earth.

_Cas, 10:25am: Sorry, Gabriel is summoning me, I better go. I'll call you later. :-(_

_You, 10:25am: I'll miss you._

Again, Dean doesn't really know why he sent the text, but when Cas texts him back the kiss emoji he forgets to feel embarrassed.

He doesn't want to wait till Sunday.

He needs to see Cas again, and the thought is scaring him.  He hasn't been this lost, this head over heels in his whole life. Aaron was mostly butterflies, anxiety.  As much as he hated to admit it, Lisa was just a means to an end, a way to heal himself from Aaron's damage.  Cas was different than both of them, in so many good ways.  

At that thought, Dean felt the anxiety start to itch under his skin, the worry that he didn't deserve 'good'.  He was too attached already, what if he decided Dean was moving too slow and moved on? What if helping Dean through his baggage became too much like it had for Lisa? What if he couldn't get past Dean's hate for his family?

He glanced over at his liquor cabinet, for the first time in days. It was still stocked with the half of his booze Charlie had left behind, and he clenched his jaw. It would be so easy to relieve his anxiety, just take a few shots and he'd calm right down.

Then he thought about Cas, about the shine of his eyes when he smiled. His body remembered the heat in his touch, standing in Cas' kitchen, feeling his hands resting on Cas' back, Cas' hands on his hips.  He wanted that closeness again, to feel wanted by someone.  He walked over to the cabinet, glancing at the bottles through the door.

_No. Not this time._

He forced himself to turn his back and walk away, smiling to himself.  He liked the person he was when he was sober.  He didn't waste away his nights in the bar, he didn't brush Sam off when he called.  He missed Bobby, but instead of drinking to forget he's gone, he just accepts that he misses him and pushes through it.  He wants to be the type of person Castiel could be proud of, wants to be a better man because Cas deserves him to be.

He goes to the gym, burning off some of his anxious energy with a tough workout. He'd managed over the past couple weeks, when the urge to drink got really bad, by wearing himself out instead of drinking himself into a stupor.  He's starting to get his tone back, which is also appeasing his vanity. As he jogs on the elliptical, he decides he's not going to wait until Sunday to see Cas.  He knows where Cas is going to be tomorrow, and what time, why not surprise him?  He smiles to himself and makes mental note to make a few calls when he finished at the gym.

 

Saturday ticks by so slow for Dean.

No matter how hard he tries, Dean can't stay focused on anything. He even drives down to Singer Supplies for a few hours to work on some paperwork for the next week. The paperwork only takes a short while, so he eats a small lunch in town and makes his way back to his apartment, mindlessly clicking through TV channels and checking the time on his phone constantly.  Finally, as 7pm rolls around, he showers and gets dressed in a nice button up, pulling on his one pair of jeans missing holes.  After some brief consideration, he runs a little product through his hair, spiking it up slightly.  He looks at his reflection in the mirror.  The muscle tone he's getting back makes the shirt hang a bit more loose around his stomach than he remembered, but his shoulders have filled out slightly, pulling the shirt tight against his arms.  He looked as good as he was going to get, so he grabbed his jacket and walked out to the Impala, driving himself over to Angels and Demons.

He pulls into the parking lot, to find it surprisingly busy. He didn't realize there'd be this many people here, and he belatedly realized that Charlie is probably there.  It was the employee party after all, and Charlie technically worked for the bar.  Nerves get the best of him, so he parks around back.  He hurries up to the building and knocks on the back door.  Kevin answers, looking annoyed.

“You're lucky I'm bored and early, you weren't supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes.” He grumbles, stepping back so Dean can walk in.  The back door led to the hallway where the offices and storage rooms were, meaning Dean could avoid the crowd at the party, and avoid running into Charlie.

“Would you rather I'm late and leave you waiting here?” Dean asked, peeling off his jacket.

“I wouldn't have waited.” Kevin said calmly.  Dean sighed.

“Look, like we said on the phone, don't tell him why, just send him up, alright?” Kevin rolled his eyes and started to walk away.  After a few steps, he stopped and turned.

“Hey, Dean, I know it's not really my business, but are you guys...?” He left the question unfinished, and Dean was grateful the light was so dim in the hallway as he felt his cheeks start to burn.

“We're friends, and we're leaving it at that. We'd also really appreciate keeping it between us for the meantime. _Including_ not telling Charlie.” Kevin's eyes widened in what Dean could only describe as fear.

“Charlie's intense, dude, I'm not making any promises.” Dean clapped him on the shoulder.

“I run a store that sells guns.” he said casually, laughing when Kevin's eyes widened further and he ran off to get Castiel.

Dean let himself into Cas' office, turning on a small lamp that barely lit the room.  His stomach was churning, his nerves finally starting to set in.  He had no idea why he had this much nervous excitement running through him, but something about tonight, about this small romantic surprise, was making their budding relationship _real_.  

He hadn't told Cas he was coming, he'd called the club directly and asked for Kevin, making sure he'd be there to let Dean in, and made him promise not to tell his boss.  Kevin was relatively relaxed about, well everything, so he didn't seem to care either way.  Dean heard the knob to the office turn, and he held his breath as Cas' well dressed frame stepped into the office, not even looking up before he turned to close the door.  Maybe it was because everyone here tonight worked for him, but he'd put extra effort into his appearance that night, blue suit and styled hair, and _damn_ was he sexy.

"Sorry I made you wait," Cas said quietly, but when he turned and saw it was Dean, he froze, the most astonished look on his face. Dean grinned, the look on his face worth all the effort.  The music from the club was vibrating the walls with rapid dull thuds, but Dean hardly heard it.  Cas ran a hand through his hair, obviously agitated, ruining any previous effort he'd put into making it lie flat, and making Dean's heart flip flop.

"It's okay," Dean says automatically.  Cas walks over, loosening his tie nervously, and it does something to Dean he's not used to.  He runs a hand over the back of his neck, trying to relax but when he meets Cas' gaze the other man is looking at him hungrily, before blushing furiously.  Dean's minor effort at making himself look good was paying off.

"Drink?" He asks, a small hitch in his voice. “I have some soda...” Dean nods, letting Cas get them both a Coke from the small fridge behind his desk, moving closer to take the drink.  Their fingers brush when he takes the can, the brief touch sending heat to Dean's entire body.  It's strange, being this nervous, this quiet.  They were usually so comfortable together, but they both seemed to be buzzing with nervous energy.

"I'm not keeping you from your party am I?" Dean says softly, drinking just to give his hand something to do.  Castiel rolls his eyes.

"Crowley's party, not mine. I'm just here to make sure he doesn't bankrupt us. And people expect me to make an appearance, you know."

“That's what happens when you're in charge, people expect things of you,” Dean says, continuing to sip at his soda.  Cas' gaze bores into Dean for a moment.

"I'd much rather leave here with you.” It's said matter of factly, but the words nearly pull Dean's heart from his rib cage.  He places his can on the desk, leaning dangerously close to Cas to do so.  He brushes his arm on the way up, and does he imagine it or does he hear a gasp?  He can't stand being this close, but he can't seem to move any farther away either.  There's an electricity in the air between them, maybe it was always there, but it was dancing along Dean's skin tonight, and it made him painfully aware of every move they both were making.

"I'd like that, too," he says quietly. “To take you from here. Not really our scene, is it?” Those blue eyes are boring into his soul, and that half removed tie and messed hair are driving his imagination crazy...

"I was looking forward to seeing you again."

"Well surprise, what are your other two wishes?" Dean said, his tone teasing but his mind racing.  Cas gave him a small smile, but looked down at the floor.

"I wanted to change your mind." Cas was twitchy, his fingers twiddling with his can for something to do.

"About what?" Dean watched his small movements carefully.

"About not telling Charlie, or your brother." he breathed.  Dean tensed, the flirtatious atmosphere in the room cooling almost immediately.

“Cas I just...”

“I want to shout to the rooftops that I'm with you Dean.” His voice is strong, full of conviction and it takes Dean by surprise. “I'm so happy, happier than I've been in so long, and I just...”

“I know, Cas. I... it scares me, you know, that final step. That moment where I can't go back anymore. That makes this real.” The music from the club shifts, the heavy bass line vibrating the walls in time with the throb of Dean's heart in his chest.

“It's already real for me,” Cas breathed, his low voice sinking slightly lower.  Dean unconsciously wet his lips, and flushed when he realized Cas' eyes watched the movement of his tongue.

"That's not fair, Cas," Dean said, watching as Cas slowly put his can on the desk.

"What's not?" Cas' voice is so soft he's almost unable to hear it.  Nearly all the saliva in Dean's mouth dries up as Cas reaches for his arm, his hand shaking. Cas' hands were shaking. Dean rubbed the back of his neck.

"You're braver than me," Dean barely sighs, unable to put what he's feeling into better words.  He wants to back away, to take a moment and try to wrap his head around what's happening, but all he can do is stare at the offending tie, mocking him with its unruly angle, and he found himself wanting to reach out and just yank it off...

"You shouldn't think so little of yourself, Dean." Cas breathes, and Dean feels a chill at the sound of his name.

His hand is rising, he's not in control of it anymore.  It grips the tie, wrapping it in his fist and pulling gently, making Cas lean in towards Dean.  Their faces are inches apart now, close enough he can smell Cas, mint and cinnamon melded into a strange musky scent.

"You smell like cinnamon." Dean says, his voice even in spite of the shaking in his limbs. It's the only thought he could put a voice to at the moment, because all he could focus on were the lines at the corners of his bright blue eyes.

"My cologne uses cinnamon as an ingredient..." One of Cas' hands has worked into the fabric of Dean's button up, gripping it tightly.  A million thoughts are reeling through Dean's head, but he looks at those lips, feels the warm breath escaping them, and the only thought in his head is to lean in and close the distance between them.

"I'm...," he breathes. Why is he still speaking? His body leans in, his bottom lip making the lightest of light touches against Castiel's top lip.  He could hardly tell they'd even touched and yet it sends a shock through him.  He stops breathing, wondering what Cas will do.  The blue eyes widen, a hand coming up to touch Dean's cheek.  He leans in, placing a soft kiss against Dean's lips, pulling back almost as soon as they touched.  Dean can hardly breathe, you'd think they'd just fucked over the desk the way his heart was racing and his chest was heaving.  Castiel's hands travel down his chest, trembling against him, and the inappropriate thoughts suddenly start sounding more appealing.  An urge to move grips Dean and he pulls the knot from Cas' tie, causing Cas to grip Dean's shirt with both hands and pull hard.

Their lips are pressed together, and little fireworks start going off in Dean's brain.  He's finally kissing Castiel, lips separating briefly and falling back together again like it was what they were made for.  Dean wraps his arms loosely under Cas' suit jacket, fingers tracing his spine through his silk shirt. Cas leans in closer, gently pressing Dean against his desk, the edge of the wood digging into Dean's thighs.  Dean doesn't want this to ever stop, Cas' lips raining kisses on his, the sound of his gasp when Dean pulls back for air, the smell of him invading Dean's senses. One of Cas' hands is in his hair, pulling him in tighter, his hips now flush against Dean's.

Just as their mouths open underneath each other for the first time, there's a knock on the door. It cracks open afterwards, and the face of Cas' assistant peeks in sheepishly.

"Mr Novak?" Kevin calls.  Cas leans back, and Dean's eyes pop open, realizing what just happened.  Dean pushes away from Cas abruptly, a knee jerk reaction that leaves him blushing furiously, a good five steps back from Cas.

“Not now Kevin,” Cas says, almost angry. Kevin ducks out, and Dean and Cas stand there, breathing heavily, staring at each other. “Dean...” Cas starts but Dean shakes his head.

“No, I know I... it's okay, Cas.  I'm sorry, I...” The feel of Cas' warmth against him, the press of his lips is still fresh, and the prickle of anxiety starts to creep back in, starting to turn into panic.   He turns and grabs his coat, ready to walk out of the office.

“Dean, wait please,” Cas walks up and reaches for his hand, capturing it before Dean can leave.

“Is Charlie here, Cas?” Dean asked softly, his limbs trembling for a different reason than they were before.

“Charlie? Yes, I think so, I saw her earlier. What does that-”

“That could have been Charlie, Cas.” He says quietly.  Cas doesn't release his hand, but his grip falters.  It's not the true reason Dean is freaked out, but it's the only one he can put to words.

“I didn't think about that,” he sighs, and his voice is achingly remorseful.  Dean turns back to face him, but keeps his gaze anywhere but Cas' face.

“I'm scared of this Cas. Scared of the fact that I care about you, that I want this.  I'm scared that you're going to change your mind..."  He felt Cas' hand on his cheek, turning his face so Cas' eyes met his.  His face was determined.

“Dean, I wanted to kiss you the night I met you.  And every time I saw you after that.  With every text, every time I heard the sound of your voice.” Dean was blushing furiously, but Cas continued. “I want to be with you, Dean. I've never felt this way for anyone before.” He squeezes Dean's hand tightly again. “And I'll keep waiting, Dean. If that's what it takes.” Dean didn't know what to say to that, so he leaned in, kissing Cas' forehead.

“Just a little longer, I promise.” He breathed.  He gave Cas' hand a squeeze and left out the back door, his heart racing faster than was comfortable.  He hopped in the Impala and started driving, his body vibrating.

He'd made it a few miles before realizing he still had Cas' tie wrapped around his hand.

He walked into his apartment, tossing the tie onto the couch next to him, leaning back on the seat and draping his arm over his eyes, forcing deep breaths in and out of his lungs.  His fingers found their way to his lips, the ghost of Castiel's still lingering there.  It felt good, kissing him had felt so... God what was going on with him?!  Why was he being such a baby about this?  It was obvious how Cas felt, and he was starting to realize that he felt the same way.  Why drag this out, make it harder than it should be?  Why give in to this panic in his chest?  He climbed into bed, and when he dreamed, all he could remember of the dreams was a feeling like he was chasing something but unable to catch it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think of their first kiss??? 
> 
> Let me know with some comments!! :D


	11. So Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BETA'D AND UPDATED!! Some fairly large changes in this chapter as well...
> 
> Okay, I am SO SORRY my updates are so slow. :C I also apologize that this is a shorter chapter as well, but I needed it to end where it did, so sorry!!
> 
> Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated, I read all of them!! XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Close- Jon McLaughlin  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2WHo5bGRNw  
> You're in my arms, and all the world is calm.  
> The music playing on for only two.  
> So close, together, and when I'm with you  
> So close, to feeling alive.
> 
> A life goes by, romantic dreams must die.  
> So I bid my goodbye and never knew.  
> So close, was waiting, waiting here with you.  
> And now, forever, I know  
> All that I wanted, to hold you so close.
> 
> So close to reaching that famous happy end.  
> Almost believing this one's not pretend.  
> And now you're beside me,  
> And look how far we've come.  
> So far we are. So close...
> 
> Oh how could I face the faceless days  
> If I should lose you now?
> 
> We're so close to reaching  
> that famous happy end,  
> And almost believing, this one's not pretend.  
> Let's go on dreaming for we know we are...  
> So close, so close, and still so far...

As December wore on, Cas got busier, his club hosting a holiday party almost every other day. Dean on the other hand, found business slowing and reduced himself to part time hours to keep Nick and Ash on through the holiday. This left Dean with a lot of free time, and he spent most of it working on the Impala, giving her a good overhaul. Working on his car kept him busy enough he didn't go crazy, but it was so familiar he didn't have to think about it either.  

The best days were the ones where he and Cas could sneak moments together in the early morning hours, between when Cas' events ended and Dean's shifts started.  Dean would give Cas a ride home, and they'd sit in the Impala for a little while talking before Dean would leave for work.  Dean's day always went better when it started with a chaste goodnight kiss from a sleepy Castiel.

It was getting closer to Christmas, and from the way Charlie was talking she was considering having Cas come to their family dinner.  He overheard her arguing with Sam on the phone one day when he met Sam at his office for lunch. _They had taken her in, why not give Cas a chance?_ It seemed pretty set after that, Cas was going to participate in the Winchester Christmas this year.

The same day he'd met Sam for lunch, Cas finally had a night off, so Dean met him at his place, finally making good on his promise of a homemade cheeseburger.  Cas rained praise on his cooking, though Dean got the idea he might have been over selling it on purpose to tease him.  

After dinner, Dean was sitting in Cas' living room, his boyfriend resting on his shoulder, watching Cas' favorite version of 'A Christmas Carol', sharing some popcorn and egg nog.  Cas' phone rang, interrupting the nice moment, but when Cas showed Dean it was Charlie calling he didn't mind too much.

“Hey, Charlie,” he said, smiling at Dean. He held up his finger to his lips and turned the call on speaker.

“Cas! I have some fantastic news.”

“Do you?” he raised an eyebrow at Dean.

“You don't have to dread Christmas this year!”

“Really? How come?” Cas asked, winking at Dean.  Dean is grinning ear to ear.

“You're coming with me to my party this year, with Sam and Dean!” She's obviously ecstatic about this, and just to spite her Cas paused, managing to keep his voice even in spite of Dean's smile.

“Charlie, I don't want to impose-”

“Nonsense, you're my best friend, Cas. You're not getting left out this year. I've already talked to them, they're okay with it. Just give them a chance to get to know you I know they'll love you just as much as I do.” Cas met Dean's eyes at that, and Dean had to choke back a laugh.

“Alright Charlie. I'll give this a shot.”

“Yay! Okay, I'll call you with details when it gets closer.”

“Bye, Charlie,” Cas sighed, hanging up. He leaned in and kissed Dean on the corner of his mouth. “You almost gave yourself away, you know that?” Cas smiled. Dean shrugged, leaning in and kissing Cas back, grabbing both cups and standing to get more egg nog.

“Almost is the key word,” he called, grabbing the carton out of the fridge and refilling their glasses.  He heard soft footsteps behind him and felt Cas' warmth surround him, his arms wrapping around his stomach and his cheek pressed against Dean's shoulder blade.  Dean smiled, letting the warmth seep into his skin, setting their cups back on the counter in front of him. “You're gonna make me spill the nog,” Dean sighed, leaning back into Cas' chest.

“Forget the eggnog,” Cas sighed against the back of Dean's neck, raising goosebumps on his arms.  He allowed Cas to grip his hips and turn him around, and once he was facing him Cas leaned in and kissed him softly.  Dean couldn't stop marveling at how every time Cas kissed him, it was a whole new experience.  Every time those warm lips found his, every time his hand brushed against Dean's skin, it was like he'd never felt it before.  The one thing that remained the same was that every time it started, Dean felt less and less anxiety.  

Cas' mouth opened underneath his and Dean dove in willingly, his hands sliding over Cas' sides and up his back, his fingers tracing the lines of his shoulder blades through his shirt.  Cas' fingers dug into the skin above Dean's waistband, pulling him in close, moaning softly into Dean's mouth.  Dean pulled back, resting his forehead against Cas', breathing heavily, but Cas was insistent.  He bent his head, nuzzling into Dean's neck and tracing soft kisses along the sensitive skin there.

“Cas,” Dean breathed, shuddering under his touch.  Dean's head fell back, giving him better access.  Cas' kisses grew more eager, trailing up and down Dean's neck, tracing a line down his collarbone.  A soft groan slipped from Dean, and Cas leaned in, pushing him against the counter.

“Don't do that,” he said, his voice a hoarse gasp.

“Or what?” Dean asked, looking down.  Cas captured Dean's lips again, kissing him deeply.  This wasn't soft and gentle, this was full of heat, Cas was kissing him like he was dying for it.

This is where Dean usually stopped, where his anxiety would push them apart.  But this time there's no tightness in his chest, no darkness pushing its way between them.  As Cas' hands slide up under Dean's shirt, palming along his stomach and up towards his chest, Dean lets it happen, giving himself over to Cas' touches.  Dean is pinned by Cas against the counter, his body pressing firmly against Dean's to keep him still.  When Dean shifted his weight, trying to keep from falling over, his hips rose into Cas'.  

_Speaking of firm..._

“Dean,” Cas groaned, releasing Dean's mouth to move down his neck again, teeth dragging along his jaw. “ _Jesus_ , Dean.” Cas was hard, and Dean was halfway there too.  The heat in his voice as Cas said his name sets Dean's nerves tingling, anxiety inevitably rising to the surface and making him tap the breaks before it gets too strong.  He gripped Cas' shoulders gently, pushing back slightly.  Cas immediately took the hint, stepping back a step and giving Dean his space, his hands still resting on Dean's hips.

“Sorry, Cas,” Dean sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment.

“No, don't be sorry,” Cas said, running a hand over Dean's cheek. “There's nothing to be sorry for.” He lets go of Dean, smiling, “Doesn't make me want you any less.” The words sent a shiver down Dean's spine.  Cas smiles, picking up his eggnog and taking a sip.  Dean's breathing returns to normal slowly, and as he relaxes, drinking his own eggnog, and once he's calm again, he pulls Cas close and kisses his cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispers. Cas nods.

“I want you to be ready.” His gaze shifts, a mischievous glint in his eye. “One day, though, I'm going to fuck you till you can't walk, and you'll pay for all this teasing,” he wiggles his eyebrow and walks back out into the living room, and Dean follows, no less aroused (if not more so) but feeling almost as happy as Cas wants him to be.

 

A week later, two days before the Winchester Christmas party and five days till Christmas, Dean was relaxing on his couch, waiting for Charlie to get off work so they could shop for groceries.  His phone started ringing, and when he saw Cas' number, he felt his face melt into a smile.

“Hey, I thought you were working some party thing tonight?” Dean said.

“I am, was, I uh... can I come see you?” Cas' voice was strange, tense and nervous and Dean noticed right away, sitting up and frowning.

“Yeah, Cas. You've got my address, right?”

“I'll be there shortly.” He paused. “Bye, Dean.” He hung up, and Dean stared at his phone for a moment, not sure what was going on, but already not liking it.  He paced around his apartment, and the 20 minutes it took Cas to show up felt like 5 hours.  There was a small knock on the door, and he opened it to see Cas dressed in his most formal suit, all black with a black tie over a crisp white shirt, all underneath his beige trench coat.  Dean stepped back for Cas to come inside.

“Hey, Cas, what's going on? You okay?” Dean asked.  Cas was looking around his apartment, and Dean belatedly realized that while he had given Cas his address, this was his first time inside Dean's apartment.  He was looking around studiously, like he was trying to take in every detail.  Dean felt uncomfortable, knowing his place in no way compared to Cas'.  It wasn't the worst place in town to live, but it wasn't the greatest, and it made Dean a little self conscious. “I know it's not much, not compared to your place...”

“It's perfect,” Cas sighed, his eyes focused on his surroundings, drinking in every detail.  He turned to Dean, shifting awkwardly, and he wouldn't meet his gaze.

“Hey, what's wrong?” Dean asked quietly, reaching out for Cas’ hand.  Cas pulled back, raising warning flags in Dean's mind.

“I wouldn't be doing this unless I had to, I want you to understand that, I need you to understand that.” Cas' face was pale, and in spite of the cold outside there was a layer of sweat on his forehead.

“What's going on?” Dean asked, starting to get scared.

“I have to leave town."  He still refused to meet Dean's eyes. “I know I said I'd go to the party, and I'm sorry. I don't know when I'll be back.” Dean just blinks.

“What are you talking about?”

“I have to go, Dean,” he sighed, his voice tires.  "I don't know when I'll be back.”  Dean's chest starts to tighten.

“Oh…” is all he manages.  Cas shifts his weight again.

“Dean, it's not- I don't want to do this-”

“Then why are you?” Dean crosses his arms, mostly to hide how bad they're shaking.   _This isn't happening.._.

“Because Michael called, and I can't-”

“Your brother ordered you to go?” Dean scoffed.  “Dude, you hate them, you told me yourself.  What could be so important that you'd drop everything for them?” _Leave me for them?_

“You don't understand, Dean, my family-” Dean took a step back to lean his shoulder against the wall for support.

“What am I not understanding?” he asked, trying to stay calm.  He was getting angry on top of the fear in his gut, and he didn't want to get angry, not at Cas.

“Michael is my eldest brother, he's also my employer. If he asks something of me, no matter how much I hate it, I have to do it.” In that moment, Dean suddenly feels the gap between their lives, the difference between growing up as a Novak, and growing up as a Winchester. Cas was always going to work for the family business, was always going to be successful because it was what was expected.  He would always be better than Dean because of his name.

“Is this it for us, then?” Dean said quietly.

“I don't want it to be.” Cas' voice was strained.

“Then stay, Cas.” It was hardly a whisper, but Dean had to ask. He didn't care if it was selfish, he didn't want Cas to leave him, not when he was finally starting to feel again.

“I have to go. I have no choice.” Cas sighed miserably. “I'm sorry, Dean.” His hand came up, like he was going to reach for Dean, but it fell back to his side just as quickly.  Cas' eyes glanced at his apartment one last time before he turned towards his door.

“Cas, please,” Dean tried, one last time. “Stay. Tell your brothers to screw off and stay. You don't have to go just because he said so.” Cas' shoulder slumped.

“You're asking me to pick you, over Michael, over-”  Dean felt the pressure building on his chest, his stomach turning in knots.

“Maybe I am, Cas, because you said it yourself, they're not a family.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. “I can't do this without you. Stay.” Cas takes a few breaths.

“I can't Dean.” He turned, looking past Dean's shoulder. “I'm sorry I just... can't.”

“Can you at least tell me why?"  Dean's trying to weave into Cas' line of sight but his eyes move past Dean's face every time.

“I wish I could, I- I'm sorry-”

“Stop saying that! Look at me!” Dean snapped.  Cas' eyes finally met Dean's, and he was taken aback by how hollow they looked, lifeless.

“I have to go, Dean.”  He turned from Dean and walked out, leaving Dean stunned in his wake.  Cas was gone.

_No, no, no._

_It's not like that._

Dean kept repeating to himself.  His heart was pounding, and he was getting dizzy, his chest compressing and making it hard to breathe.  He leaned heavily against the wall, trying to keep it from closing in on him, trying to get his breathing under control.

_Cas said he had to do this, right?_

_He'd be back, wouldn't he?_

_Why was there so little oxygen in his apartment?_

He managed to pull his phone out of his pocket, dialing with shaking fingers.  It rang a few times before someone answered.

“Sam?” he choked out.

“De- you okay?!”  Sam's voice sending some small relief through Dean.  He was slowly sinking to the floor, his legs unable to hold him any longer, his vision blurring slightly.

“No, Sam,” he groaned.  He didn't want to worry his brother, but his attack wasn't stopping either, he needed help.  “I'm not okay, I can't... I can't...”

“Dean, calm down, I'll be right there, okay?” Sam hung up and Dean dropped the phone in his lap, still having trouble breathing properly.  He couldn't keep his thoughts organized, couldn't get a grip on himself.  A cold sweat was breaking out along his skin, and his vision started swimming.

_He'll be back._

_Won't he?_

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, or if he'd even remained fully conscious, before Sam walked in, dropping to his knees in front of Dean in spite of being in his work suit.

“Hey, hey Dean, hey.” He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, the weight of it and Sam's familiar voice helped anchor Dean, helped bring him back to himself.  He blinked blearily up at his brother's concerned face.

“Sammy,” Dean sighed.  Sam gripped him by the arms, lifting him up and walking him to the couch.  He sat Dean down, walked out in the kitchen and grabbed some water, grabbing a dining chair in the other hand.  He sat the chair in front of Dean and handed him the cup.  And there he sat, coaching Dean through breathing exercises while Dean rode out the emotions coursing through him.

“What's going on?” Sam said quietly after the attack passed.  "You haven't had one of these in years."  He'd had similar attacks a couple times before, just after Sam's stabbing, which was why his brother was able to help him calm down.  Dean had dealt with his attacks, or so he had thought, apparently Cas leaving him was strong enough to trigger him.  Dean blinked the last of his blurry vision away, shrugging.

“To be honest Sam, I don't know.” The hollow look on Cas' face when he met Dean's gaze on his way out brought a cold twist to Dean's insides. “Remember how I said I was kinda seeing someone? Well they kinda...left.” Sam shifted in his chair.

“Hey, that sucks man, sorry about that. Any chance of it getting better?” Sam's heart was in the right place but his words just made Dean's heart ache a bit more.

“I don't know,” Dean hung his head in his hands. “I don't know, Sammy. I don't know why, I don't know what's going on.” Sam reached out and rested his hand on Dean's shoulder.

“Hey, Dean, focus,” Sam said, drawing Dean's attention back to him.  Dean took a few unsteady breaths, evening out again.  ”Why don't we go to the grocery store?  Alright?  Pick up the food for the party?"  Sam asked, clapping Dean on the shoulder. “The two of us, okay?” he said. Dean nodded.  Mundane chores always helped calm Dean down, as long as Sammy was there with him.  Laundry, groceries, yard work, anything they did together always brought him back to himself.

“Okay, Sammy.  Just give me a moment, alright?” Dean sighed. He made his way into his bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub, trying to get a handle on himself.

Cas seemed genuinely upset about leaving, and Dean clung to that thought like a lifeline.  Cas didn't want to leave Dean, he wanted to be there with him, wanted to stay. Dean repeated it until he almost believed it, washing his face and stepping out of the bathroom.  Sam was on the phone.

“Okay, thanks Charlie... I promise it's not a big deal... I'll let you know.” He hung up and turned to Dean, his tie and his jacket discarded on the back of Dean's chair. “So Charlie just called. Remember how Castiel was going to come to the party? His assistant called, said he had some family thing come up. So it's just the usual group.” Dean swallowed his heart that had jumped up into his chest.  Sam meant it to reassure him, but it nearly set Dean off again.

“Too bad,” he muttered, gritting his teeth and grabbing his coat, keeping his face as still as possible. “I wanted to apologize.” He grabbed his keys, handing them to Sam as they walked out of his apartment and down to the Impala.

“I'm sure you'll get your chance,” Sam said casually.  Dean set his jaw and climbed in the car, trying his damndest to focus on his family and not the hole Cas left behind.

  
Dean had his first bad nightmare in a long time that night, his recurring dream about losing Sam, only in the dream, once he starts running, he sees Cas in the distance, and he tries to catch up to him, but he keeps moving farther and farther away, no matter how fast Dean runs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!!  
> (But comment anyway??)


	12. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BETA'D AND UPDATED!!! 
> 
> I AM BEYOND SORRY I AM POSTING SO SLOW!!! :C
> 
> This song is one of the most hauntingly beautiful songs I have ever heard, I had to put it in my fic somewhere!!
> 
> Sorry for the feels in the last chapter.
> 
> Also sorry this chapter is also pretty short. I might come back to it later, but as of right now this is where I got it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12: Echo- Jason Walker  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiwKZUYMvaE  
> Hello, hello  
> Anybody out there? Cause I don't hear a sound  
> Alone, alone  
> I don't really know where the world is but I miss it now
> 
> I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
> Like a fool at the top of my lungs  
> Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright  
> But it's never enough  
> Cause my echo, echo  
> Is the only voice coming back  
> Shadow, shadow  
> Is the only friend that I have
> 
> Listen, listen  
> I would take a whisper if that's all you had to give  
> But it isn't, is it?  
> You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head
> 
> I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
> Like a fool at the top of my lungs  
> Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright  
> But it's never enough  
> Cause my echo, echo  
> Is the only voice coming back  
> Shadow, shadow  
> Is the only friend that I have
> 
> I don't wanna be an island I just wanna feel alive and  
> Get to see your face again  
> I don't wanna be an island I just wanna feel alive and  
> Get to see your face again
> 
> But 'til then  
> Just my echo, my shadow  
> You're my only friend and...  
> I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
> Like a fool at the top of my lungs  
> Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright  
> But it's never enough
> 
> Cause my echo, echo, Oh my shadow, shadow  
> Hello, hello , Anybody out there?

Dean was going through the motions. He was putting on an act for everyone he knew, because they didn't know how hurt he was inside.  He went to their family party, because he was expected, and he didn’t feel like dealing with his brother or Charlie's probing questions if he cancelled.  On Christmas Eve he played Cards Against Humanity with Sam and Jess and laughed till tears ran down his face.  He acted excited for gift giving in their living room the next morning, beaming happily at Sam's reaction to Dean's gift of coasters for his new apartment that had various lewd and rude sayings written on them.

Castiel was supposed to be at that party, laughing with him, maybe sneaking away for a brief kiss before the others noticed they were missing.  He was supposed to be pretending he _didn't_ notice Cas at the party, not knowing with aching clarity that he wasn't there.

Every night since Cas left, when he would climb into bed exhausted, he knew pretending to be okay wasn't enough.

He had texted Cas after the first two days, even called him a couples times, but his texts were never answered, and his calls went straight to voicemail. He stopped trying.

Dean let Nick and Ash have his shifts at the store, telling them he'd rather keep them employed through the winter than worry about being at work. He technically didn't need to go anymore, but he hadn't wanted to get lazy.  Now he didn't want to get out of bed.  He had tried being angry, tried to get mad at Cas for choosing to listen to Michael.  He focused on the empty look on Cas' face when he left, the way he didnt even look like he was hurting.  Just a blank emotionless face.  It hadn't worked, and had just left him with a sick feeling in his stomach.  As much as he wanted to he couldn't stay mad at Cas, he missed him too much.

Dean slowly gave up all pretense of being okay.  He wasn't sleeping more than an hour or two each night, every time he would drift off he'd wake with old nightmares.  The urge to drink was growing day by day, and in one of his small moments of clarity, he dumped what little liquor he had in his cabinet down the drain before he could give in.  He was glad he had because one night he'd dreamt of Sam's stabbing, only this time when Bobby was supposed to show to take Dean back to the hospital, it was Raphael, his mocking grin laughing in Dean's face as his brother lay dying behind him.  He'd never wanted a drink so badly in his life, but he couldn't bring himself to leave his house to get one, so instead he just stared at his ceiling till the sun came up.

A week passed.  On the morning of New Year's Day, Sam came by his apartment, eating pancakes with his brother like they did when they were kids.  Jess had left to see her parents, so it was just the two of them, and Dean knew this was the perfect time to come clean to his brother, yet the words wouldn't come.  The pancakes were tasteless and he ate them automatically, ashamed that he was too weak to even ask for help.  Sam didn't want to leave him that afternoon, Dean could see it in his eyes, but Dean insisted, and once again he was alone.

After a couple weeks it was less about Cas leaving and more about Dean just not caring. He didn't care anymore that Cas was gone, whether he meant to leave Dean for good or not.  He was done caring that his inability to take care of himself was terrifying Charlie and infuriating Sam, because it was easier to just let them worry than to try and explain himself.  It was easier just to lay around and do nothing.  He was barely eating, hardly ever left the house.  Sam had started taking turns with Charlie dropping off groceries for him.  He felt horrible, and every time either Sam or Charlie would try to talk to him, he'd just clam up, like he'd forgotten how to talk at all. Eventually, Charlie left him in tears one night, and Sam was his only visitor after that.

After exactly a month from when Cas left, something broke inside Dean, a dam that couldn't hold back the tide any longer.  He felt like he was going to burst, emotions coursing through him faster than he could push them away, and it made him realize he'd finally had too much.  He needed this out of his system, and Sam was the only person he had left, if he was even still willing to listen.  So one night, they were at Dean's table, a plate of chicken and pasta Sam had thrown together sitting in front of each of them.  Sam was eating, reading a case file, having given up on talking to Dean days ago.

"Sam, I can't do this," Dean croaked, pushing his half eaten food away.  He'd only been poking at it with his fork anyway, not really eating it.  "I can't-" His voice broke, hoarse from disuse, and he shut his mouth tight, his jaw clenched.  No, he wouldn't cry.  He had yet to cry, he refused to start.

"Is this about the last month?" Sam asked, his case file forgotten, shoved across the table the moment Dean started talking.  Dean didn't answer, but Sam knew him well enough to know it was a yes.  "You know you can talk to me, Dean." Sam said quietly.  Dean took a breath and tried to get the words out, tried to at least tell Sam half of his problem, but nothing would come.  He swallowed hard and shoved away from the table.

"No, I apparently can't," Dean stood, moving towards his room.  This was a waste of Sam's time, he shouldn't have to take care of his brother like this.  Sam moved faster than Dean would have thought he could, and stepped in front of Dean to stop him from leaving.

"What's going on Dean?" Sam asked cautiously.  Dean kept his eyes downcast, avoiding Sam's gaze.

“Go home, Sammy. Take care of Jess, you guys deserve better than this.” Dean sighed, trying to push past Sam, but his brother was stronger than him and stood adamant.

“Deserve better?” he scoffed.

“You've spent more time taking care of me the past month than spending time with her.”

“Dean-”

“Tell me you and Jess haven't had a single argument about me, Sam.  Tell me and I'll let you keep mothering me.” Sam's jaw clenched and his eyes grew guilty.

“That's what I thought,” Dean sighed, moving to push past his brother again.  Sam grabbed his shoulder, shoving him a bit harder than he intended. Or maybe Dean was just that weak.

“It’s not like that, she just wants you to get better, we all do.”

“Just go home, Sam.”

"I'm not leaving until you tell me some way to help you break out of this fucking rut, Dean. You're my brother and no one, no one is more important to me.” Sam snapped in Dean’s face.  Dean met his brother's angry stare and all fight went out of him.  He slumped against the wall, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

"I guess I cared a lot more about..." He trailed off, still unable to bring himself to tell Sam about what he and Cas... well, about what they _almost_ had.

"The person you were seeing?" Sam asked.  Dean ran a hand across his face, turning from Sam and walking out to the living room.

"Yeah, I guess.  I just wanted one more shot, one more chance.  They just... They left just like everyone else and I'm not... I'm not okay.  I thought I could be but.... Sam I'm on the edge here.  If I hadn't dumped my stash..." He was pacing, so Sam reached out a hand to stop him and firmly lowers him on the couch.

"Hey, Dean, I'm here.  Charlie's here.  You don't have to go through it alone this time, okay?" Dean nodded, but it was a lie.  So long as Sam didn't know about Aaron, and the damage that one relationship had done to Dean, there was no way anything they said would make a difference.  Cas knew, and Dean needed him back.

"Happy freakin' New Year, Sam." Dean sighed, laying down on the couch, closing his eyes against the tears he refused to shed.  He laid there, forcing his breathing to become low and steady, until Sam pulled a blanket over him.

"Dean?" He said softly.  Dean continued to feign sleep, and Sam seemed to believe it.  He stood, walking towards Dean's front door.  Dean heard a phone beep.

"Hey Charlie... No, he's alive.” They apparently had him on suicide watch. _Fan-freakin-tastic_. “He's still out of it but he talked a little... apparently they broke up... Well I don't... I'm tired Charlie, I just want this done..." Deans door opened and closed and Sam's conversation became muffled.

"Where are you, Cas?" He sighed into his empty apartment.

Nothing.

Too much nothing, the weight of it was starting to crush Dean.  He was alone. Truly alone. One by one anyone he cared about left, breaking a piece of him off, and now Dean didn't think he had anything left in him to break.   _He_ was pushing Sam away, his brother, the only person he’d had through thick and thin, and it was the last straw for Dean.

 

That night, when Sam left to go home, Dean got dressed, climbed in his car and drove off.  He knew he was running away again but he couldn't stop himself.  He drove to the next town over, less prying faces who knew him, and he pulled into the first liquor store he saw.  He grabbed three bottles of whiskey, not even paying attention to the brand, just ready to black out so he could find some peace for a few hours.  The cashier gave him a strange look but didn't say anything, and Dean belatedly realized he couldn't really remember when he had showered last, and he must have a full beard at this point.  Dean paid for the whiskey with a grunt and drove around the neighborhood until he found a park, empty for the night except for some pale white Christmas lights still wrapped around the trees.  He climbed out of the Impala, sitting on the trunk, and holding one of the whisky bottles in his hand.

He just needed sleep, he reasoned.  Just a good night of uninterrupted sleep to get his head on straight.  Uninterrupted, dreamless, out cold sleep.  His eyes traced the label on the bottle in the dim light, hesitating one last time.  He sighed heavily, breaking the seal on the bottle and taking the cap off.

"Here's to me," he sighed, taking a long pull.

 

He'd lost track of how many days had gone by, it could have been four or five at this point. Dean spent most of his time in a whiskey haze, not totally blacked out, but no where near sober either.  He'd managed to find a motel to check into, and he'd also found a bar the second night, after passing out in the Impala's backseat, one bottle of whiskey gone.  He'd hustled some pool for his tab, and when the bartender cut him off he'd walk to his motel room and drink from his other bottles, before passing out and starting again the next day.  He did manage to eat at least once a day, the sandwich shop next to the bar made some pretty decent food, enough to convince Dean eating was necessary.  

He'd gotten a few frantic calls from Sam and Charlie, but he never answered their voicemail, just texted that he was alive.  He hated that he was drinking again, but he hated the empty feeling that crept up on him when he started to sober up even more than the whiskey.

He wasn't surprised when Sheriff Mills walked into the bar one day, looking worried and pissed at the same time.  Dean groaned when he saw her, it was early enough in the day he hadn't started in on his buzz yet, and his head was aching something awful.

"Time to go, Dean. Before you kill yourself." She put her hand on his arm to lead him out but he pulled away.

"I don't wanna go back," he grunted.

"Sam is worried sick-"

"Sam's better off without me," Dean snapped.

He didn't see Jodi's fist until it connected with his cheek.  A burst of stars clouded his vision and he felt a trickle of blood on his cheek.

“God damn you Winchester,” she snapped. “If you paused long enough to pull your head out of your ass you could save the freakin' world.  You’re really reminding me of your father now.” She crossed her arms, glaring at him as he took a deep breath, trying to sort through the whiskey soaked mess in his head.

"Sheriff, look, I've not been much more than a sack of shit my whole life, and Sam... He's got all he deserves to have and- I can't- I can't screw him up too."

"Dean, come on," Jodi sighed, reaching for him, but he pulled away again.

"I almost killed him, I shouldn't have taken him... I should have been more careful-" Jodi blinked a few times before it registered what Dean was talking about.

"Dean, the _mugger_ who stabbed your brother almost killed him, you had nothing to do with it.  And that was years ago, why are you-"

"I screw up everything I touch!  I'm-...just leave me," he sighed.  She paused, hands on her hips, then with just as little warning as before, she punched him again, grabbing his arm when he staggered, twisting it behind his back and marching him out of the bar, holding him steady in spite of his shaky legs.

"Did you ever stop and think that what's ruining your brother's life is him worrying about you? You're brother is beside himself, and Charlie is threatening to break federal law to find you." She walked him to her patrol car and shoved him in. "I'm taking you home to your family, Dean, because no matter what you do, they love you, and you need them now." She shut the door on him and climbed into the front, pulling away.  Dean laid down sideways as best he could in the patrol car, trying to quiet his headache, which was not competing with the ache in his cheek.

God he was a fucking mess.

Jodi's punches had the effect of sobering him up enough to realize how selfish he had been, and how right she was.  All Charlie and Sam had been trying to do was help, and he'd treated them so unfairly... Bile started to rise in his throat, and he barely managed to warn Jodi in time for her to let him out to vomit on the side of the road.

“I'm sorry,” he muttered. “I'm- I'm so... I'm sorry.” Jodi patted him on the back as he bent over the grass, his body starting the process of removing the alcohol from his system.

“I'm not the one you need to apologize to, Dean,” she said quietly. “I've already called your brother, he's going to meet you at your apartment.”  She helped Dean back in the car, and turned them towards home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I've worked and worked and worked this chapter, and I've written myself to this. Please let me know if there's something you'd like to see different!!! I read all my comments!!


	13. Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I MADE IT THROUGH MY UPDATES!! *dies of exhaustion* So guess what that means... NEW CHAPTER TONIGHT!! XD
> 
> Thank you all SO MUCH for reading, and hopefully you'll be getting regular updates of new material now!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((This song is half from Cas' POV, half from Dean's))  
> Chapter 13: Only One- Yellowcard  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7rpRdtqvBo  
> Broken this fragile thing now  
> And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces  
> And I've thrown my words all around  
> But I can't, I can't give you a reason  
> I feel so broken up (so broken up)  
> And I give up (I give up)  
> I just want to tell you so you know
> 
> Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
> You are my only one  
> I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do  
> You are my only, my only one
> 
> Made my mistakes, let you down  
> And I can't, I can't hold on for too long  
> Ran my whole life in the ground  
> And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone  
> And something's breaking up (breaking up)  
> I feel like giving up (like giving up)  
> I won't walk out until you know
> 
> Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
> You are my only one  
> I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do  
> You are my only, my only one
> 
> Here I go so dishonestly  
> Leave a note for you my only one  
> And I know you can see right through me  
> So let me go and you will find someone
> 
> Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you  
> You are my only one  
> I let go, there's just no one, no one like you  
> You are my only, my only one  
> My only one, My only one, My only one  
> You are my only, my only one

It was harder the second time, getting clear of the alcohol.  Dean would make it a few days, but a bad night's sleep would set him back on his heels, and almost back to square one. Charlie and Sam had set some basic ground rules this time, and one of which was if he really couldn't help but drink, to at least not do it in public.  He stayed true to that promise at least, making sure that no matter how bad his day was, he waited till he was back at his apartment.  As much as it hurt to think of Cas, he would find his mind wandering back to his eyes, his smile.  Dean felt a new appreciation for what Cas had done for him.  Not having him around was making it so much harder to fight his urges.  Cas was his reason, his purpose behind getting sober last time, his motivation.  This time, his motivation had to come from himself, and Dean struggled with it every day.  His entire life, other people had always been his motivation, he'd never had to look for it internally before.  But he still fought, because Dean had finally tasted sobriety, and he knew if he worked at it, he could get that good feeling back.

After a week, he was showing some progress, though he was still unable to sleep well. Some of it was old nightmares returning, but sometimes he would wake from a dead sleep for no apparent reason at all.  When he did sleep through the night, he rarely woke rested, still groggy like he hadn't had any sleep at all.  Unless whatever woke him was a particularly horrible nightmare, he'd have just a few shots and he'd go back to sleep, and pretty soon that was the only drinking he was doing.

Also on Sam and Charlie's insistence, he'd started eating home cooked meals again, half because they would bring him food already cooked, and half because he really did want to try.  A small part of him fondly remembered cooking in Cas' kitchen, and that same small part took comfort in cooking his own food.

_You have to want to get better._

He'd finally had it beaten into him (literally) that people loved him.  Sam, Charlie, even Jodi and Rufus in their strange way.  People looked at him and saw something worth caring about, someone they wanted to help and support, just as he had helped them before.  So Dean pushed himself to get better, because he wanted to look at himself and see what they saw.  He wanted to be able to look in the mirror, and feel like the man looking back deserved to have these people in his life.

As two more weeks passed by, the nightmares lessened, and he finally started sleeping through the night.  Once that began, he started going back to work, started going back to the gym. He still thought of Cas; sitting in the Impala he would feel the ghost of Cas' fingers in his, he'd catch a glimpse of his smile out of the corner of his eye.  It used to hurt when those thoughts blindsided him, but slowly the pain dulled to the low ache of regret, and even that stopped hurting quite so much.  He missed his company.  In Cas, Dean had found a shelter, someone he could talk to and not be judged and in spite of what had happened between them, he missed that safety.

It was exactly two months since Cas left, and Dean, surprising both his family and himself, was much improved.  February was nearly over, he was smiling again, and he was genuinely getting better.  Sam asked him how he was doing, and he'd confidently responded with _“a solid 85%_ ”, and for Dean that was pretty damn good.  He was doing so much better in fact Charlie threw a small party for him at her and Thia's place, even though Dean insisted he didn't need a party. She dressed it up as a casual get together, but it was also a belated birthday party for Dean, since he was too much of a mess on his actual birthday to celebrate.  In addition to Sam and Jess, Nick, Ash, and Rufus were there from the shop, plus Jo and her mother Ellen, who had become a second mom to Dean over the years.

Dean was watching Jess chase Sam around the living room with a hair tie and a brush, apparently attempting to braid his hair.  He laughed as all 6'4” of his brother fled from his girlfriend like she was an axe murderer, reasoning maybe he'd finally let Dean get at his now shoulder length hair with some clippers.  He felt a touch on his shoulder, and turned to see Thia standing next to him with a slice of apple pie.

“Happy birthday to _me_ ,” he grinned, taking the pie and taking a huge bite.

“You're welcome,” Thia smiled.  She looked around the room, then leaned in close so only Dean could hear her. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked.  Dean nodded, and followed her into the bedroom, getting a little anxious as she closed the door behind him.

“What's up?” he asked through a mouthful of pie.

“Gross, Dean,” she sighed.  He swallowed, but grinned at her.

“Can't help it, your pie is too good to eat properly,” he winked and she smiled, but her face grew serious.

“Look, about the last few weeks,” she started.  Dean froze, the easy joking banter gone from between them. “I just want you to know how proud I am of you, pulling yourself back up on your feet.” Dean shrugged.

“I shouldn't have fallen in the first place,” he sighed, taking a human sized bite of pie.  She shook her head.

“That's the problem, Dean.  You think you aren't allowed to be weak, to take a moment to worry about yourself.  You're _human_ , Dean, you can make mistakes.  You’re allowed to feel like crap once in a while.”  The tone of her voice took Dean by surprise.  He had gotten used to pity and honest concern, but Thia sounded like she was afraid for him.

“Thanks, I guess,” he said, frowning.  She took a deep breath.

“Before I met Charlie I wasn't in a good place.  I had a lot of anger issues, did some things I'm not proud of.” Dean momentarily forgot about the pie.  Thia was always so upright and strong, he would never have guessed she'd had problems in the past. “Yes, Charlie helped me get better, but I knew if I was going to be the kind of partner Charlie deserved, I needed to be honest with myself, and honest with her.  Whatever is weighing you down, you've got to get it out, okay? Just talk about it with someone.” She didn't wait for him to respond, she just stood and walked back out to the living room.

Dean followed, a little put off by Thia's talk, but burst out laughing when he returned to the group.  Apparently Nick and Ash had conspired to hold Sam down while Jess got at his hair, and his brother was sporting a glare and a pair of messy pigtails.

“Happy Birthday, Dean!” Jess called, showing Dean a picture on her phone.

“PLEASE tell me you're texting that to me,” Dean laughed as Sam's face burned red.

“Duh!” she grinned.  He pulled out his phone and made sure he got the picture, laughing along with everyone else in the room as Sam stormed off to regain his dignity.  Dean pushed off what Thia'd said, not forgetting it, but filing it away for later.  He wanted to allow himself this moment in time, this party that was about him being better, and his friends and family's warmth and comfort.  Not to mention his brother was too pissed to talk to at the moment, and he knew that if he was going to talk to anyone about his lingering regrets, his brother was the one he trusted most.

 _Only because Cas wasn’t there_.  He felt the 85% slip down to a 75%.

 

When he walked back in his apartment around 2am, he was a good kind of exhausted.  Charlie’s impromptu party was the most socializing he’d done in a very long time, and Dean was about ready to collapse by the time he’d parked the Impala.  He dropped his gifts on his couch, unceremoniously kicking off his shoes and stripping to his boxers as he walked to his bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes along the way to pick up later.  He stopped to plug in his phone before walking to the bathroom to get ready for bed.  He looked himself over as he ran a toothbrush over his teeth.  Physically, he was back to the old Dean, fit and groomed, looking nowhere near his age of… God he was 31 now.  He sighed, leaving the bathroom and dropping into bed, clinging tightly onto the warmth from the party to lull himself to sleep.  He had just started to feel his eyes droop when his phone buzzed.  With a grunt, he blindly groped for his phone, catching hold of it and answering without looking at the caller ID.

“Yeah,” he groused.

“Hello, Dean.”

_Shit._

_That voice..._

“ _Castiel_?!” He was wide awake now, sitting up straight in bed, clinging to the phone so tight it might shatter.   _God, that voice._.. all it took was hearing it again and it was like he was watching the last few months on fast forward in his mind, the first time he'd heard it at Angels and Demons, to the last time he'd heard it, hollow and empty as he had walked out of Dean's apartment, and for all Dean knew out of his life.

“I'm sorry, I must have woken you-” Cas stammered.  Dean's heart was beating so hard it physically hurt.  A million thoughts and feelings ran through him, leaving him breathless.

“I wasn't asleep...” he managed to gasp.  He wanted to shout at Cas for leaving, and having the audacity to call him after two months of radio silence.   _Why would you leave me like that? Did you even care?_  He also wanted to climb in his car and race to his side, to wrap him up in his arms and never let go again.  “What is it?” he asked instead.

“I- I...I fucked up Dean...” That stopped Dean's thought process cold.  Cas' voice was thick, pained and broken.  The anger drained from Dean almost as fast as it rose.

“How?” he asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.  Nothing came from Cas' end of the line other than his breathing, shallow and anxious.  A few seconds ticked by.  He debated breaking the silence, but he wanted to see what Cas had to say, so Dean waited.

“I don't even know where to begin,” Cas sighed. “I guess... I'd ask for forgiveness but I don't deserve it, I know I don't.”  Dean was pacing, but he couldn't remember standing up. “It was a dick move by my brother Michael.  He had this, I don't know, gag order placed on us, and it was just...” He paused, seeming to gather his thoughts. “I suppose I should start from the beginning,” he sighed. “Dean?”

“I'm here,” he said simply. Cas took a few deeps breaths.

“I just- this may get a bit long winded, but I want you to understand, from start to finish, just what happened.  So maybe… maybe you can…”

“Go ahead,” Dean said, trying to get him to stop beating around the bush.  He heard a deep breath over the phone.

“Remember, my father went missing, out on his yacht when he left from the Florida Keys six years ago?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Dean said.  The Novak Patriarch’s disappearance made the local papers for a good long while.  Dean had already started actively avoiding the Novak name in the paper, but it didn’t stop him from seeing the headlines.  Charles Novak’s transponder went dead and he never returned to any port, and though people searched and searched, no one could find any trace of him. With the amount of money Novak Enterprises handles, the company couldn't wait for Mr. Novak to show up, so Cas’ brother Michael stepped in and took over for him, assigning Raphael and Gabriel to the heads of Novak Real Estate and Novak Entertainment.

“My brothers never treated me very well, my mother died from complications from my birth, and my father doted on me over them because of it.  Michael ignored my existence for the most part, but Rafael was cruel, and I suffered a lot of verbal abuse from him over the years, about how I'd killed his mother and ruined his life.”  Dean's hold on his phone tightened, but he didn't interrupt.  “Once I met Balthazar, and they figured out the kind of relationship we had, the abuse got worse.  Rafael would go on about me being a 'deviant', and soiling the family name.  Michael would just make small comments of disapproval.  Gabriel didn't ignore me, but he wasn't exactly there for me either.  In short, my only allies growing up were my nurses, and even they were intimidated by Michael.  I decided I didn't want to work for the family business, I wanted to do my own thing, just to get away from them, which was something my brothers saw as against our genetic code.  My father understood, and while he was slightly disappointed, he gave me his blessing, which again, pissed my brothers off.  I got away to college, on my own for the first time, and it felt so good.  I immediately moved on to my masters degree after undergrad, trying to avoid going home as much as possible."  Cas paused, a pained sound in his voice.  “Then my father disappeared, and I knew I had to come home.  I graduated a few months later from college, and Michael, via the family business connections, shoved me into Gabriel's lap to deal with.  Which is how I wound up with Angels and Demons.  Michael took total control over the company, _total_ control, over everything. Payroll, HR, he practically had final say over everything that happened under our umbrella.” He paused again.

“Your brother being your boss must suck.” Dean muttered, feeling like he should say something. He was surprised his voice was working at all.

“That's... putting it lightly.”  He took a few deep breaths.  “That day...when I came to see you... they told Michael they found the remains of my father's yacht off the coast of Mexico. Authorities wanted to investigate for foul play, and Michael freaked.  He slapped a gag order on all of us and ordered us to leave immediately, not wanting anything to get into the newspapers.  I wanted... You have to understand Dean I _wanted_ to tell you.  I just...” He hears Cas make a small choked sound over the phone and the ache in Dean's chest sharpens. “I know you wouldn't have said anything, Dean, I could have fucking told you and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference, but I'm just... I'm so used to just following Michael's orders, and finding out about my father... I- I...” Another poorly concealed sob, and when Cas speaks again his voice is filled with emotion. “I fell back into old habits, and I hurt you. I promised I wouldn't leave you, that you could trust me, and I broke that promise.  Nothing can ever make up for that.”

 _Well, fuck_.  “Cas, I don’t...”Dean's anger is completely gone now.  No matter how bad the relationship between John and his sons, when Dean’s Dad died it tore him to shreds.  To find out for sure after six years of not knowing... He was amazed Cas had even been able to see him the day he left.

“I gave my brother an earful before I left, one of the first times I think I’ve stood up to him… Probably why I’m such a mess right now,” Cas groaned.

“I'm sorry about your dad,” Dean says quietly. Cas laughs bitterly.

“How do you do that?” he asks, his voice filled with disbelief. “The way I left you, Dean, and you're fucking offering _condolences_?! Could you be any more perfect?” Cas wasn't bothering to hide the fact he was crying, and Dean started to feel a lump grow in his own throat.

“I wanted to be pissed, Cas.” Dean drops onto the edge of his bed. “I wanted to hate you.” He runs his hand over his face, trying to find words.  He'd thought about this moment so many times, about talking to Cas again, about what he'd say, but the moment that voice said his name all that flew out the window.  “I started drinking again.” _Yeah, because that's a great place to start._

“Dean...I'm so sorry...”  The guilt in Cas’ voice twists at Dean’s heart mercilessly.

“Just- let me get this out, Cas.” he says, harsher than he meant.  “My brother got hurt real bad some years back, stabbed in the back by some guy looking for money.  My Dad was gone my brother was all I had and almost losing him… it scared the shit out of me.  Since then I've... I get these panic attacks sometimes.  I lock myself away in my head and just shut down.”  He swallows hard.  “I didn't know if you were ever coming back, because you never said you weren't.  But I... I didn't want to hope that you would, because if you didn’t...  When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I bought three bottles of whiskey and drowned myself.  Because that's all I know how to do with my problems, I run away.  I fucking run away when it gets bad because I can't handle it.”  He runs a hand through his hair.  “I've been clean for two weeks. You know-” he closes his eyes, forcing the words out before he changes his mind. “You leaving broke me, Cas.  I know you may not have meant it, and hell, we'd hardly gotten started, but you were the trigger, and Bobby and everything just rolled together and... I know you don't want to hear it, but I can't just forget it happened.”

“I know Dean.” Cas lets out a sigh.  Dean steels himself because he knows what he's about to say, what he's about to admit to, could make things so much better, or so much worse.

“The part that makes this so screwed up? The part that kills me even now?  I _fucking_ miss you.  I turned to memories of us, to you, to get better, in spite of what you did because Sam doesn't- he doesn't know what _really_ happened to me after his injury.  He doesn’t know about Aaron, and how that almost ruined me.  But you do.  I need you so much right now I can't breathe.  I don't know what that says about me, about how masochistic I am.”  He feels the burn of tears in his eyes, and finally lets them fall. “And now after two months, I'm fucking crying for the first time. _Son of a bitch_ ,” he sighed, more to himself than to Cas.

“I'm so sorry, Dean, I'm so, so sorry,” Cas sounded defeated. “I couldn't call, not until the investigation was over, the Police they... I wanted to, I- I thought about you every damn day, almost every damn minute.”  Dean understood what Cas was saying, that he didn't have a choice, and he believed him.  He already knew him well enough, knew that voice, and he knew Cas was telling him the truth.  He looked at his shaking hand, squeezing it into a fist, trying to figure out what to do.

He wanted to go back to where they were, _God_ did he want to.  But he knew things were different now.  He wasn't sure what kind of different, but this was something too substantial to just push aside.

“I understand,” he said slowly. “I know you had no choice, and I don't blame you for this. It's family, it's complicated... I get that, Cas.” He took a deep breath.  “I can't just pretend this didn't happen. I was...”

“I'm not asking you to, Dean!” Cas said quickly, “I know I hurt you. We... from the moment we met, Dean, something just drew me to you.  I wanted to _help_ you, I never, _never_ wanted anything like this.” Dean shuddered as Cas' words echoed inside him. He'd felt the exact same, from the moment Cas walked up to them at Angels and Demons, Dean felt a pull towards him, a draw that dug its way into every fiber of his being.

“I'm just going to need time.” Dean wiped the last of his tears off his face.

“I understand,” Cas said quietly.  The defeat, the utter sadness in his voice was too much.  Dean could hear that Cas was just as much of a mess as he had been, and the thought added to the pain in his chest.  A silence fell over them, Cas' rough breathing over the line letting Dean know he was still there.

He closed his eyes, trying to figure out what to do.

This could be it for them.  One sentence, and he'd never have the chance to know, to see what he could be with this man.

Or it could be a new beginning.  Not an easy one by a long shot, but a chance.

Before his brain could think better of it, he let his heart make up his mind.

“I want to try again.” he breathed hurriedly.  It took a few moments for Cas to apparently process what he said.

“Wh-what?” he asked shakily.

“It hurts, and we're going to need to do some serious work to get back to where we were.  But I want to try, Cas.” To Dean's total surprise, the pain in his chest started to lessen as he spoke. “You're right, we had something, and it was beautiful, and I never thought I'd get a chance at something like that.”

“I'll do anything, just tell me what you want and I'm there. I mean it, Dean. Anything.” The fierce urgency in Cas' voice almost made Dean smile.  He thought about that for a moment.

“When do you come home?” he asked.

“I am home.” Cas said quietly. “We landed, and the moment I pulled into my driveway I called you.” Dean's stomach flip flopped uncomfortably.  The first thing Cas did was call him, not Charlie, not Kevin, not his partner Crowley. “I haven't even unpacked.” he added. “Like I said you're all I've thought about. I just wanted to make it better, to tell you I was coming back to you. I just wasn't sure you'd want me. I'm sorry.”

“Cas...just stop apologizing for five seconds.” Dean sighed. “I'm not mad,” he added. “Like I said, I was never mad. Hurt and scared, yes, but not mad. You're back now, let's focus on that.” He felt the drowsiness from before creeping up on him, and after crying he had a small headache. “Let's sleep on this, alright?”

“Okay.” Cas sounded just as tired as Dean felt, and Dean just realized he'd flown back from Mexico in the middle of the night, he was probably exhausted. Yet he'd called Dean...

“Call me in a week, alright? We'll start to talk this out when we've both had some sleep, and I've had some time to wrap my head around this.” Dean said softly.

“Good idea.” Cas said.

“Night, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.” Hearing Cas' voice saying his name drew and involuntary shudder from him, and he crawled under his blankets after putting his phone back on the charger.

He had one week to make a decision. One week to figure out if he was willing to let Cas back in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some feedback!!! Comments are my lifeblood and they urge me on!! I'll take criticism too, don't be afraid to tell me something sucked! XD


	14. Just One Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 14 IS FINALLY HERE!!!! *rejoice*
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Conversation referencing past drug use and past scarification/ self harm. I'll put that bit in ***** so you can skip it if you need too!!
> 
> Thanks for reading, should have another chapter up in the next couple days! It's written, I just have to finish some editing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14: Just One Kiss- Nick Carter  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsmK9A165c8  
> Just one... Just one [x2]
> 
> Don't turn away, don't close the door  
> I couldn't take it  
> We've got to find out for sure  
> Before there's no turning back  
> If this is a start of the end of the road  
> I've got to ask before you go
> 
> [Chorus]  
> If I could have just one kiss (one kiss)  
> If that's all it is, I'll know that it's over  
> If I could have just one kiss (one kiss)  
> If there's something more  
> We could start over  
> If I could have just one (just one) kiss  
> Just one (just one)  
> If I could have just one (just one) kiss  
> Just one (just one)
> 
> I've been a fool just standing by  
> Watching it come to this  
> But now I'm here  
> Let's stand and fight  
> For all of the promises  
> If this is a start of the end of the road  
> I won't look back, I'd let you go
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> We don't have to find a way forward  
> We just need to find what we missed  
> So what if we look like we're crazy  
> For hanging it all on this
> 
> Don't turn away, don't close the door
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> Just one, just one, oooh  
> Just one, just one, oooh

Dean was sitting in the back office of Singer's Supplies, burying himself in paperwork to try and keep busy.  He needed to keep busy, because every time he left his mind to wander, it wandered back to the same place.

Cas.

He spent all his free time thinking about what he’d told Dean over the phone, about his family.  He’d thought long and hard about how he felt.  He’d thought about the shine in Cas’ eyes on their small Thanksgiving dinner.  He’d thought about the feel of his hand wrapped in his.  He’d thought about how much it hurt when Cas left, and how hearing his voice again had nearly wiped the slate clean.  

He’d been doing so much thinking his brain was turning to mush.

He'd come in to the shop to run some inventory reports, but even after four hours only a third of the work was finished.  He was zoned out, staring at a spot on the wall until Rufus walked in and smacked him gently on the back of the head.

“What's the point of being here if you're just going to be all zombie like?” he asked. “Nick's here early, so I thought I'd come back here and interrupt your non work.”  He leaned against the desk, his arms crossed over his chest.

“I thought I was the boss now,” Dean grumbled.  To avoid Rufus' stare he turns his attention to the last report he'd been checking over, trying to focus, but all the numbers just start running together.  He sighs and puts the report down, rubbing at his temples.

“Uh, huh. You know, Dean, if Bobby were here right now, he'd be smacking you upside the head with a two by four.” Rufus has a point, he was being ridiculous about the whole thing.  He really shouldn't be letting his maybe/maybe not status with Cas bother him so much.

“I'm trying, Rufus-”

“Trying to what? Because you sure as hell aren't working your lazy ass.” Dean opened his mouth to respond with something equally as sarcastic, but couldn't come up with anything quick enough.  Rufus smirked, victorious, and clapped Dean on the shoulder.  “We can make due without you for the rest of your shift, and these reports can wait. You go fix whatever you got to fix.”  He wasn't smiling, Rufus hardly did, but it was as close as Dean had seen in a while.

“Yeah. you’re right, Rufus.” Dean stood, grabbing his jacket and heading for the door.

“Hey, Dean?” Nick called from the counter, scratching absently at his dirty blonde scruff of a beard that had grown in over the winter.

“Need some flea powder?” Dean asked good naturedly.  Nick dropped his hand with a laugh.

“I was wondering if I could start picking up some more hours? We could use a little money, we're uh, my wife just found out she's pregnant so...”  Dean gave him a beaming smile, giving him a quick hug.

“That's great, Nick, congratulations!!”  This may be just what Dean needs.  “Yeah, tell you what, take the rest of my scheduled shifts through the end of March, I'll pick up hours here and there to make up for it.”

“Great! You sure, Dean?”

“Absolutely.” Dean caught Rufus' gaze from the back room.  “I need some time to myself anyway, and we'll be relatively slow until closer to summer, you guys should be able to hold down the fort.” He claps Nick on the shoulder and waves to Rufus, walking out to Baby.

He slides into the driver's seat, his hands wrapping around the steering wheel.  Maybe he'd take a roadtrip, have some true time to himself away from everything.  Normally he'd invite Sam along, but with Jess in his life and all the grief he'd put Sam through recently, maybe he'd just fly solo for a while.

Thinking of Sam reminded him of what Thia had asked him to do at his party last week.  He drove home, trying to think of how he'd start that conversation.  He didn't think Sam would have a problem with it, he liked to think his brother was a fairly open minded guy.  It would be the admittance in general, because Dean knew he'd also be telling him about what Aaron had done, what that had added to Dean's issues when Sam was injured.  Sam had only glimpsed the surface of Dean’s panic attacks, but Dean had suffered more than double what Sam had been exposed to.  Putting something so personal out there for another person to hear was hard enough for Dean, admitting to Sam those two loaded secrets all at once was daunting.  Just thinking of having the conversation set his nerves twisting around in his gut.

Yet telling Cas was so _easy_.

He walked into his apartment, taking off his jacket and flannel and kicking off his boots.  He went into the living room, pulling a pile of maps out of the coffee table drawer.  Maybe planning his road trip would calm him down some.  His fingers traced the lines of the highways as he looked over them, trying to decide where fate would take him this time.  He'd been up and down the country a handful of times, and taken a few places off his bucket list, maybe someplace familiar would help him relax better.  He had just decided on heading south when his phone rang, and he answered, his nose buried in a map of Florida.

“Yeah?”

“Hello, Dean.” came Cas' voice.  Dean swallowed his heart back down from where it had jumped into his throat.  He _had_ asked Cas to call today.

“Hey, Cas.” he said, folding up the map and setting it aside.

“How was work today?” Cas asked.

“Good, Nick's having a baby.”

“That's great!  Let me know if you want to throw him a party, I'll make sure you can use the club for no charge.”

“Yeah, I'll ask around, see what people might want to do.” The small talk was painful, and even though Cas was genuinely happy for Nick, it felt forced and didn't sit well with Dean.  He took a few deep breaths. “Cas-”

“I went to Missouri's for lunch today. They've added fried pickles to the menu, which I had never heard of, but turns out they're pretty awesome.”  Dean felt a small smile on his lips.

“You've never had fried pickles? You live in the ‘south’, dude.”

“This is ‘North’ Carolina, and you can calm down, I've had them now. You should get them the next time you go.” _Go with you, or on my own?_ Dean thought to himself.

“Cas, listen,-”

“Please don't go,” Cas breathed hurriedly.  He was afraid Dean was going to hang up. He was hurt, but he wasn't heartless.

“I wasn't- I'm not hanging up, Cas.” Dean said softly.

“Oh... sorry, I'm... sorry,” he muttered.

“Stop apologizing,” Dean sighed. “I know you're sorry.  You don't have to keep saying it, alright?”

“I-... thank you, Dean.” Cas said quietly.  A few beats of silence hangs in the air. “I don't want to lose you,” he added.  Dean felt a half smile on his face again.

“I get it, I do.”

“No, you don't,” Cas sighed. “You don't understand, because I haven't been able to tell you.  I made a huge mistake, because I broke not only a promise I made to you, that you could trust me, but I broke a promise to myself.  I told myself after I left Balthazar, that if I ever found someone I felt that way about, I would do whatever I could to hold onto them.  I let you slip through my fingers, and it's been so hard... so hard not to just... ” He trails off into silence, and all Dean can hear is the beating of his own heart.  Cas was serious, he cared for Dean a lot more than Dean had realized.  “You don't deserve excuses. You're the only person, the only one I've ever...” With every word Castiel says, Dean's chest starts to ache more and more.  

And just like that, Dean's mind is made up.  He knows he wants Cas in his life.

“Hey,” Dean interrupts. “You know way too much about me to get rid of me that easily,” he teases. “Guess you're stuck with me for a while.”

“Dean...” He shudders at the sound of his name, at the relief and emotion in Cas' voice when he said it.

“Come see me.  I'll make something up for dinner.” Dean says quickly before he can change his mind.

“I'll be right there,” Cas says.  Dean hangs up and heads out to his kitchen to see what he has for this impromptu dinner.  He digs in his pantry and freezer, and manages to find enough to make some pan fried chicken with rice.  He gets the chicken marinating and starts the water for the rice.  As he's working, he tries not to think about the fact that Cas is coming over, just focuses on getting his egg wash, flour, and bread crumbs set up for the chicken.

Is he really able to do this? To forgive Cas for this?  They had led fairly similar lives, suffering similar heartbreak.  They both lost their mothers young, they both had hard authority figures in their lives, Cas' brothers and Dean's father.  He can easily remember how he was around his Dad, back when he was younger.  If John said jump, Dean asked how high, no question or hesitation.  From what little Cas had told him of his brothers, it would have been like growing up with three John Winchesters, and having two of them much more vindictive.  It didn't seem fair to Dean to hold Cas' personal scars over his head, especially when his were no better.

And he had come back.

He came back to Dean and was so genuinely concerned for his well being, for hurting him...

By the time the rice is cooked and the chicken has been fried up, finishing in the oven, there's a knock on his door.  He pushes down his anxiety and walks to the door.  When he sees Cas, it brings it all home to him that Cas is back, and that they might just have a second chance at this.  Cas’ face is nervous, his blue eyes darting to Dean’s then moving away just as quickly, and he hesitates at the door, like he’s afraid to walk in.  Dean smiles a genuine smile, stepping back to let him enter the apartment.

“Hey, Cas,” he says quietly.  When his eyes finally settle on Dean's smile, Cas' face lights up.

“Thanks for having me over,” he says, as he walks in.  As he shuts the door behind him, he realizes it's the first time he's seen Cas in regular clothes, not a suit.  He's still wearing a button up long sleeve shirt, but the shirt is a cotton blend and he's in jeans, and Dean swallows hard at the sight.

“Dinner's ready, I just have to serve it up,” Dean says, moving past Cas and walking back to the kitchen.  Castiel drapes his coat over Dean's couch before following Dean into the kitchen, sitting at the table.  Dean gets plates out of the cupboard, serving up their dinner and sitting across from Castiel.  He watches as Cas takes his first bite of chicken, smiling as his eyes shut and a smile spreads across his face.

“Wow, Dean, this is really good.  Not that I expected any less,” Cas says after swallowing. Dean blushes and digs into his own food. They eat in silence for a short while, Dean wasn't really sure what to say, and Cas seemed content with just being near Dean again.  As they stood to clean up, Dean finally spoke up.

“Have you talked to Charlie since you've been back?” he asked.  Cas nodded.

“Just to tell her I was back.  I haven't mentioned my dad yet, I was too much of a mess.”

“I really am sorry about your dad.”

“For me he was already gone.  I don’t know if my brothers ever held onto hope of him returning, but I just knew.  I mourned him a while ago.”  Dean finishes packing up leftovers, turning to watch Cas finish washing their plates and silverware.  His mind flashes back to the last time they were in Cas' kitchen together, the feeling of Cas' lips on him, the warmth of his touch against Dean's bare skin... “Dean?” He blinks a few times, pulling himself out of his daydream to see Cas looking at him, his head tilted slightly.  He blushed.

“Sorry, Cas, I was just thinking.”

“About?” he asked, and Dean blushed a deeper crimson. “Oh,” he added, a small pink flush starting to run up his cheeks as he reaches for the dishes Dean just emptied.  

“Leave the rest, Cas, I’ll get them later,” Dean says quietly.  Cas walks back to the sink to dry his hands, walking back up to Dean.

“Should we have a seat?” Cas asks.  Dean reaches out, taking Cas' hand.  It was strangely like coming home, like finding out where he was supposed to be, his fingers slotting into Cas’ perfectly.  He led Cas by the hand to his couch, sitting down and pulling Cas down next to him.

“Guess we should talk this out,” Dean said softly.

“I don't know what to say,” Cas’ voice is shaking slightly.  “I had to go, between the investigation, and Michael… I just wish I had handled it better.”  Dean half smiles.

“You just found out your dad had died, Cas.  I’m surprised as hell you handled it as good as you did.  And as far as listening to Michael, I was raised by a marine, remember?  It was all 'yes sir' and do as your told, no questions asked.  So yeah, Cas, I get that."  Cas smiles gratefully before he continues.

“The police investigation didn't take long, it was pretty obvious it was an accident, but it had to be done.  Especially when someone has as much money as my family.”  Cas took a deep breath.  “But it's done, now.”  Dean watched him for a moment.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.  “Now that your father is gone, do you think your brothers could cut you some slack?”  Cas seemed surprised to be asked that.

“I'll keep doing what I’m doing for now, I guess,” he shrugged.  “I haven’t really thought about doing anything else.”  Dean gave his hand another squeeze.

“You could leave, you know.  Yeah, Michael's your family, but he shouldn't control your life. You should do what you want to do.” Cas looked up at Dean, a beautifully soft smile on his face.  He watched Cas' gaze drift over his shoulder, his smile fading, and he turned to see his empty liquor cabinet.

“I'm sorry you had a relapse,” Cas said quietly.  Dean turned back to Cas, catching his gaze and holding it steady in his.

“I don’t blame you for that, Cas.”  Cas opened his mouth to argue but Dean held up his hand.  “It’s done, and I'm better now.  Sam and Charlie were there for me, once I let them.  And oddly enough, you helped more than you might think.” Cas frowned.

“You were sober before I left, how was sending you into your relapse helpful?” Cas muttered.  Dean squeezed his hand.

“' _You have to want to get better_ ,'” he said, quoting Cas.  Cas' eyes widened slightly. “I understood what you meant finally.  And Sheriff Mills split my cheek, but that was just an added bonus.  I realized I wanted to see in me what you guys see.”  Dean shrugged.  “I'm sober now, that's what matters, right?”  Cas nods, but his brow is still furrowed in a frown.  Dean runs his thumb over the inside of Cas' wrist, looking down to watch the movement.  “I forgive you, okay?” he mumbles under his breath.  “No more sorrys.”

“You shouldn't,” Cas grumbles.  He tries to pull his hand out of Dean's, but he squeezes tighter, pulling Cas closer to him.

“Well, I am.  Wallowing in self pity did nothing for me.  I can't hate you, no matter how badly I tried.  It hurts too much to watch you beat yourself up, so it seems the best thing to do is to forgive you.” Cas looks up at Dean, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Dean, I think I-... I want to kiss you, if I can.”  Dean’s heart is racing, and as Cas leans in his free hand slides up to cup his cheek.

It was brief and chaste, but the moment their lips touched, Dean knew this was right.  The press of Cas lips to his reminded him of everything they stood to gain together, all the ways they could both help each other heal.   Starting over with Cas was what he wanted, because Cas filled in the hole he'd felt in his life.  He pulls Cas to him, half lifting him into his lap, planting gentle kisses on his face.

Cas rested his forehead against Dean's, letting his tears fall, and Dean held him as he fell apart.  Having Cas here, holding him, it finally brought his recovery full circle.  Once Cas calmed down, Dean tilted his face up so he could see him, wiping his face gently.

“I'm good with all this, Cas.  I really am.  I don't want to waste any more time on this, alright?” Cas nodded, and he smiled, the full teeth, eye wrinkles smile and Dean felt his heart melt.  He pulled Cas down and kissed him again, his hand carding through the hair on the back of his neck.  Cas' arms slip around Dean's neck, pulling him closer, and Dean grunts as Cas scoots forward on his lap.  Cas’ fingers on his left hand are playing with Dean’s hair on the back of his head, and Dean feels all tension leave his body.  He’d be content to just hold Cas there forever, but Cas pulls back, a flush in his cheeks and a small fear in his eyes.

“I want there to be no more secrets between us,” he says softly. “There's one more big thing you don't know about me,” he nibbles at his lip nervously.

“You don't have to tell me tonight,” Dean says softly, running his hand up Cas' leg towards his hip, just wanting Cas’ lips on his again.  Just as he starts to brush the skin under his shirt, Cas reaches down and stops him.

“Before this goes any further, I need to tell you.  You'll see why.” Dean nods, pulling his hand back and winding his fingers through Cas' hand. “Just... I'm not telling you this for pity, or to make you feel sorry for me. It's a part of who I am, just as Aaron formed you partly into who you are.  And I want you to understand that part of me.” His blue eyes were wide, and Dean met them, wanted Cas to know Dean understood.

“Okay, Cas.” Cas turns so he can curl up against Dean, his head resting on his shoulder, his legs curled up like a child's as he buries himself in Dean's embrace.  Dean holds him, and notices a small tremor running through him.

"When I first got this job I did the bare minimum expected of me, not little enough to bring Michael’s wrath down on me or Gabriel, but my heart wasn’t in it.  To bring in business Gabriel assigned Crowley to be my partner, and told me I should be grateful for what I'd been given.  Crowley... wouldn't have been my first choice in partner but it was the hand I was dealt, and while we had a good working business relationship, his social choices were... questionable.” He stalled, and Dean kissed the top of his head.

“You okay? You can stop if you want.” He nodded, his hand finding Dean's and squeezing tightly as he continued.

“I met Meg at some event Crowley had put together. She was... well to be perfectly frank everything someone from my upbringing should avoid.”

“Yeah, I know the type.” Dean had a bad feeling in his stomach about where Cas was going, but if he wanted to tell it, he’d just hold onto Cas' hand to help him get through it.

“Crowley was introducing me to some people in the business, and she came up to me, and she made it so easy.” He was tensing slightly now. “It's amazing how fast you can fall,” he said, his voice odd.  Dean looked down to see his face changed, and suddenly Dean hardly recognized Cas.  He could see damage where there was none, pain where there used to be calm.  

************************************************(trigger warning)

“It wasn't a relationship, but she was an outlet.  An outlet for my anger at my brothers, my anger at how I was trapped in this life, and she fed off that anger.  We slept together that first night, and after a week, she offered to get me high.  I don't know what made me say yes, but I did.”

“What was your poison?” Dean asked softly.  This was why Cas seemed to understand exactly what Dean was feeling when he talked about the alcohol, because he'd been there.

“Heroine.  I didn't have time to think about what was happening to me.  Meg, she uh, she pulled me down deep.  Spending my brother's money on it gave me just as much of a thrill as the drugs.” Dean's hand was being crushed in Cas' surprisingly strong grip, but he didn't care, he just let him get everything off his chest.  “Gabriel noticed, between the money going missing and the lack of doing, well, anything.  For almost a year I just dug myself in a pit with her and let her do whatever she wished with me.... I'd like to say my brother loved me enough to pull me out, but he just... He was willing to let me go, let me live that life.”  Dean was amazed at how level Cas' voice was. “It got bad, really bad.” He sat up as he talked, looking completely shamed, pulling away from Dean.

“Hey, it's okay.” Dean said softly.  Cas slid off Dean's lap onto the couch.

“I'm sorry, Dean, but like I said, it got bad.” He was undoing the buttons on his shirt, shrunk down in himself, looking scared.  Dean didn't know what to do, so he just waited as Cas pulled his shirt off.  He wasn't wearing an undershirt, and Dean suddenly realized what he was so scared of.

“Cas-” Dean breathed.  Small white scars crawled up his arms in a criss cross pattern, and lines of writing twirled over his chest, curling underneath the lines of his pecs and over his sternum.  Slowly he turned so Dean could see his back also, and Dean gasped.  A halo with a set of wings had been carved into the skin across his shoulder blades.

“Meg thought it was a sin that I hadn't done anything worse than get drunk by the time I met her. One night we were both totally high off our asses, and she decided I needed angel wings to match my innocence," he said softly.  He turned, gesturing at the runes carved across his chest. “She got into one of my religion textbooks a few weeks later, and found these runes, carving my name with them so 'if I ever forgot all I'd have to do is look in a mirror'.” He held out his arms, and Dean's eyes followed the criss cross pattern down his arms to his wrists.  Dean realized why, even when he'd been to visit Cas in his home, Cas had always worn a long sleeve shirt.

Two small crucifixes were carved into the skin just above each wrist, but unlike the others, these were marked with a tattoo that traced the edge of the scar to mirror the crucifix shape.  Cas started speaking again, his voice slightly stronger. “I made these. Even through the high I wasn't suicidal, but I had reached a point that I didn't feel the pain anymore.  When I woke up covered in blood the next day I was terrified,” he said, and the pain in his voice nearly broke Dean's heart. “And that's when I finally crawled out of the pit Med had dug me into.” He pulled his shirt back on, doing up the buttons. “I went to rehab, I got clean, and I got better, and I never saw her again.  For all I know she OD'd somewhere.”

“I just… wow.”  Dean didn’t know what to say, or what to do with himself.  His drinking suddenly didn’t seem so bad.  

“I got the tattoos because I wanted to remember what happened,” Cas continued.  “I didn't want to just not look and pretend I couldn't see the scars, I wanted to draw attention to them, so every night when I went to sleep I would remember what I'd let happen to myself.”  He finished buttoning up his shirt, curling his legs into his chest and wrapping his arms around them.  He seemed scared to even look at Dean. “You're the only person other than my doctor to have seen these.” he said softly.  Dean reached out, running his hand through Cas' hair.  He flinched away at first, but then leaned into Dean's touch.

**************************************************(end)

“You're amazing, Cas.” he breathed.  “To have gone through that and come out the other side, still as kind and caring as you are... it's a fucking miracle.” Dean's voice is soft and reverent. He feels this need to make Cas believe him, to relax. “I don't worry about telling you anything because I feel safe with you.  I want you to feel safe with me.” Dean opens his arms in invitation, and after a brief hesitation, Cas crawls back into his lap, wrapping his arms around Dean tightly. “You're no less beautiful to me just because you hit a few bumps on the road,” Dean breathes in his ear.  Cas' lips brush Dean's neck.

“Thank you,” he whispers.  Dean smiles, kissing his shoulder.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” he asks. “Not in a, you know, dirty way, just... maybe for some company?” Dean flushes at his awkwardness, but when Cas pulls back and looks at him, he sees he understood.

“That'd be nice,” he says with a small smile.  Dean kisses him gently, and when Cas' smile widens, he kisses him a second time, and Cas grins.

“That's better,” Dean says warmly.  Cas stands, and hooks his hand into Dean’s, letting him lead him down the hall to his bedroom.  He fishes out a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, handing them to Cas. “The guest bathroom is just across the hall.  I don't have a spare toothbrush but there should be some mouthwash in there.” Cas nods, heading off to change.  Dean slips into his sweat pants and heads to his closet, looking for his spare pillows and a blanket.  It was a lot to take in, but Dean was starting to realize that it was because he and Cas were so similar that Dean felt so connected to him.  They'd suffered through such similar pain and grief, they needed a sympathetic soul to share it with.  When Cas returns from the bathroom, leaning against Dean's door frame, dressed in Dean's clothes, he forgets how to breathe for a minute.  It doesn’t hurt that Cas is also rather sexy.  His arms are crossed across his chest, hiding his scars on his inner arms.

“So we're good? I'm not...” Cas starts to ask, but his voice faltered.  Dean left off his search for blankets, walking up to him and wrapping him up in a hug.

“Yeah, Cas, we're good.” He felt Cas' arms snake around his waist.

“If it's okay, could I sleep in here with you?” Cas asks quietly.  Dean kisses the top of his head.

“Yeah, though I make no promises about hogging blankets.” Cas smiled at Dean's jest and it finally broke the tension in the room. He crawled into bed, pulling Cas down with him.  He lays on his side, watching as Cas moves under the blanket to lay on his side next to Dean.  Dean reaches out, his fingers running along the top of Cas' arm lying on the bed between them.

“Dean?”

“Hmm?” Dean's eyes find Cas', and he lets himself be sucked in.

“You're not scared?” Cas' voice is small, strained.

“What would I have to be scared of?” he asked quietly. Cas shifts so his other arm lays between them, the faint scar and tattoo visible.

“Of this.”

“A couple tatoos and scars don't bother me, Cas.” His fingers trace the lines on his arm gently. “You gave me a chance.” He takes a moment to get his thoughts in order. “I've got issues, some worse than others.  You've known about all of them from the beginning, and yet here you are.”

“Dean-” Cas starts, but his voice chokes off when Dean leans in and kisses his arm, right in the center of his scar.

“Good night, Cas,” Dean breathes, smiling at the other man.  Cas' face softens, and he leans in, giving Dean a chaste kiss.

“Good night,” he sighed.  Dean smiled, reaching over to turn off the light and stretching out on his stomach.  He feels Cas' hand slide into his where it lays between them, and Dean folds his fingers into Cas' drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE WITH ME!!!! You guys rock!! Comment with some feedback, I reply to every one! XD


	15. Vindicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to let this chapter speak for itself. I had a lot of fun writing this one, I hope you guys enjoy reading it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15: Vindicated- Dashboard Confessional  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCPeX5DJzV4  
> Hope dangles on a string  
> Like slow spinning redemption  
> Winding in and winding out  
> The shine of it has caught my eye  
> And roped me in  
> So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing  
> I am captivated
> 
> [Chorus]  
> I am Vindicated  
> I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right  
> I swear I'm right  
> I swear I knew it all along  
> And I am flawed  
> But I am cleaning up so well  
> I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
> 
> So clear  
> Like the diamond in your ring  
> Cut to mirror your intentions  
> Oversized and overwhelmed  
> The shine of which has caught my eye  
> And rendered me so isolated, so motivated  
> I am certain now that
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> So turn  
> Up the corners of your lips  
> Part them and feel my finger tips  
> Trace the moment, fall forever  
> Defense is paper thin  
> Just one touch and I'd be in  
> Too deep now to ever swim against the current  
> So let me slip away [3x]  
> So let me slip against the current  
> So let me slip away [4x]
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> Slight hope  
> It dangles on a string  
> Like slow spinning redemption..

Waking up with someone in his bed startled Dean, but he relaxed right away when the night before came back to him.  Cas was on his side, his back to Dean, only half covered by the blanket, his breathing still deep and even.  Dean's eyes travelled the spread of his shoulders, remembering the thin white lines etched there.  He could only imagine how much that must have hurt, how long it must have taken to heal.  He couldn't imagine doing that to someone, especially someone like Cas.  His fingers twitched, wanting to run across his shoulders, to say through his touch that he'd never hurt Cas that way.  He manages to keep his hand to himself, mostly because he didn’t want to wake Castiel up.

Dean was very close to Cas, his arm lying just behind his back, like it had fallen from him when Cas rolled over.  Had they been cuddling in their sleep?  A smile pulled up the corner of Dean's lips at the thought.  Cas stirred, rolling back towards Dean’s side of the bed, and when his shoulder met Dean's chest, his eyes fluttered open.

“Hmm?”

“Good morning, Cas,” Dean said softly as Cas adjusted to being awake.  His hair was sticking up in a million different directions, and his eyes were still heavy with sleep.

“Morning,” he grunted, attempting to stretch and nearly elbowing Dean in the face.   This seemed to wake him up completely, and his eyes finally focused on Dean's face. “Oh, sorry-” he mumbled, moving to roll away, but Dean draped his hand over Cas, holding him in place and leaving a soft kiss on his shoulder.

“It's alright.” Dean said, smiling at him. Cas smiled back, reaching up to run his hand over the arm wrapped around him.  It only lasted for a minute, then Dean grunted when Cas pushed away from him, grabbing his phone off the nightstand.  "Come back," Dean said, reaching out and tugging at his arm.  Cas groaned, putting his phone back and leaning back into Dean again, who wrapped his arm around Cas’ chest.

“As wonderful as this is, I have to get up if I want to get to work on time.”  Dean full on pouted, but all it got him was a laugh.  Cas kissed at Dean's lower lip, and Dean’s pout faded somewhat.  With a heavy sigh Dean pulled his arm back, releasing Cas.

“Alright, I'll get something made for breakfast.” Dean said, sitting up.

“I look forward to it."  Cas leaned in and gave him one last peck on the cheek before he stood up, giving Dean a nice view of his sweat pants nearly falling off his hips, the top half of his boxer briefs sticking out. Dean bit his tongue to keep from making any noise as Cas shuffled off to his guest bathroom.  He climbed out of bed a few moments later, brushing his teeth briefly and heading out to the kitchen, making them a quick breakfast of eggs and toast.  Cas comes out and sits, playing around with Dean's phone while he waits.

They didn't say much of anything as they ate, having said so much the night before.  Once the food was gone, Cas walked to Dean's front door.

"Look, last night-" Cas began, but Dean shushed him, his hand trailing down his arm to grab his hand.

"I'll talk to you later, alright?" he says.  Cas beams at him.

"Alright."

After a soft kiss goodbye, Cas left Dean with a huge smile on his face, and that smile gave Dean the confidence he needed to make up his mind about talking to his brother.   He cleaned up the breakfast dishes before climbing in a shower, and then he threw a load of laundry in for good measure before picking up his phone.

“Hey, Dean, what's up?” his brother answered.  It was Sunday, thankfully, and Sam was off from work.

“I was wondering if you'd like to come over, have some lunch in a bit? Just the two of us?” Dean asked, trying to keep his voice casual.

“Yeah, sure. Jess is in the shower, once she's done I'll get washed up and head over.”  Dean closed his eyes, trying not to think about why his brother and his girlfriend would need showers at 11am.

“Give me an hour or so, I've got to run to the grocery store first,” Dean said quickly, since he'd made the last of his food for him and Cas the night before.

“Yeah, sure Dean. See you later.” He hung up and Dean gathered up his coat, driving to the grocery store in record time.  He wandered the aisles, grabbing things here and there, before he'd gathered up enough to make tacos.  For good measure he picked up some food for later in the week, in case Cas came over again.  The thought made him blush more than the tomatoes he was putting in his cart.

“Lookit you, all smitten. Who's the lucky lady?” came a familiar voice from behind him. Dean turned to see Ellen watching him with a smile on her face.

“Hey, El,” Dean said, stooping down and giving her a hug.

“You're looking good, Dean.” she said playfully.  "Someone's been feeding you again."  She poked at his ribs, pulling a smile out of him.

“I'm feeling good. Better than I have in a while.”

“Jo says she hasn't seen you, which is a good and bad thing boy. Yeah, you're not going to that dive she works in, but you don't have to be a stranger.” Dean laughed.

“Sorry, Ellen. I'll get over for dinner some night soon, I promise.”  Ellen had been good friends with Bobby, and she'd always complain he was never feeding Sam and Dean enough.  She had also been the boys' firmest supporter when John would leave after one of his too short visits.

“Maybe you can bring your new honey with you?” she winked at him playfully, and Dean blushed.

“Yeah, maybe,” he said vaguely.  Ellen crossed her arms over her chest.

"What's the matter, your new flame too good for my company?" she teased.  Dean shook his head vigorously.

"It's not that, El, I promise.   _I'm_ not good enough for your cooking."  The flattery works and her arms relax.  "We've just had a bit of a rough going already, I'm trying to make sure we do this right."  She was giving him a knowing look, and Dean felt heat rising into his cheeks.  "I better get home, Sam's waiting for me to make him lunch.” She glanced in his cart.

“Might want to throw in some extra snacks. Your brother knows how to eat people out of house and home.” She gave him another hug.

“I'll call you, I promise,” Dean said, waving as he turned for the checkout.

“You better or I'll come tan your hide.” She called.

Dean did swing by the chips aisle, tossing two bags of tortilla chips and some salsa in his cart.  Ellen had a point about Sam.

 

Dean made his way home from the store to find Sam had let himself in the apartment. He was flipping through channels on TV as he waited for Dean.

“Hey, I've got tacos!” he called, unloading his groceries on the kitchen counter.

"Sounds good!" his brother answered.  Sam turned off the TV, heading into the kitchen to help Dean put away his food.  When they had everything laid out for the tacos, Sam walked to the sink and started washing his hands.  For a moment Dean wonders what Sam's doing, then he remembers, a smile playing across his face.  His subconscious had played him again, he’d picked a meal they made together.  Whenever they made tacos growing up, Sam always diced the peppers and onions and sliced the tomatoes, while Dean would cook the meat.  It was one of the things they did with their father cooking the meat and Sam and Dean chopping, and when John left, Dean took over the meat prep and left Sam to do the vegetables.  He let out a small laugh.

“What?” Sam asked, pulling out Dean's cutting board.

“Nothing,” Dean shook his head. “Just thought of something. Carry on.” Sam raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.  As they made lunch together, Dean rehearsed over and over what he was going to say, exactly how he was going to say it, just to keep his anxiety at bay.  He'd need to tell him the story about Aaron, just to give Sam background, and while he wasn't looking forward to it, he knew he'd feel better afterwards. They ate, talking about Sam's work, about Jess, about Nick's baby, and by the time the food was gone Dean had exhausted all his small talk.

“Okay, there's a reason I asked you over today,” Dean sighed.

“I figured,” Sam said. Dean raised an eyebrow. “What? You've been rehearsing something in your head all afternoon. Like the time you wanted to borrow the car to drive to a concert a state away, you spent the entire day before running through your speech you were going to give Dad.” Dean laughed at himself.

“Didn't work though, he didn't let me take the car.”

“Yeah, but would _you_ let you take the car?” Dean opened his mouth to protest, but ended up agreeing with his brother.

“Alright, smart ass, you win that one,” Dean mumbled. Sam smiled.

“So, what is it, Dean?” Sam leaned back in his chair, his full attention on Dean, forcing him to take a few deep breaths to calm his nerves.

“Remember I told you I was seeing someone? Well, we've worked through our problems, enough that I'm thinking this might be something long term.”

“That's great,” Sam said, smiling at him, “You seemed pretty shook up about it before, it's nice you're getting another go.”

“Yeah, I'm not used to having a second chance."  Dean's halfway through a deep breath when Sam speaks up again.

“So when do I get to meet her?” Sam asked, smiling expectantly.  Dean cleared his throat.  This was it, the point of no return.  The moment these words were out of Dean's mouth, there was no taking them back.

“Him, Sam. When do you get to meet him.” Dean froze, watching as his brother processed that sentence.  Sam's brow furrowed, then his eyes opened wide, bugging out of his head.

“Him.” Sam repeated.

“Yeah.” Dean said, turning a bright shade of red.

“As in you... and a guy...” Sam blinked like a deer in the headlights.

“Yep.”

“I just...I didn't see that one coming.” Dean chuckled.

“Welcome to the new world, Sam,” he winked, patting his brother on the shoulder. Sam's brow furrowed again.

“When did you, uh, figure it out?” he asked cautiously.

“I think I always kinda knew. I mean, you know how Dad was, so I didn't think too much about it, didn't want to cause trouble."  Sam's eyes darkened for a brief moment.

"Makes sense," he says quietly.

"You remember that road trip I took right after Dad passed? You had just shipped out to college?” Dean continued, trying to pull Sam back.

“Yeah. I remember you coming back pretty wrecked.”  

“I uh, it wasn't just Dad's death that got to me on that trip...”

Dean went into the story about Aaron, not leaving out any details.  Sam listened without interrupting, letting Dean get through all he had to say before speaking up.

“That's... I'm sorry, Dean,” Sam sighed.

“It's in the past, Sam.” Dean waves off Sam's concern but his brother continues.

“Why didn't you say anything?” Sam asked.

“Because at the time I was ashamed.” Dean said, flushing.

“Dean-”

“It was your freshman year, I wasn't about to show up to air out my problems and bother you.” Dean grumbles. "And then the last time you were home for any length of time you got stabbed, and that seemed a bit more important."  Sam's eyes widened.

"Dean... Your panic attacks..." Dean focused on his hands.

"Don't worry about it, Sam."  

"Dean-"

"Don't bother yourself.  It's done, I'm good now."

“You're not a bother," Sam sighed. “You're my big brother. Good or bad, straight or not, you know I got your back.” Dean flushed, grinning.

“Thanks, Sammy.”  Sam flashed him a shit eating grin.

“Now, the big question is, do you tell Charlie? Or do I let it slip?” Dean just runs a hand through his hair, trying to ignore Sam's laugh.

“Either way I run a risk of bodily harm." Dean grunted.  "I better do it myself. I'd rather my eardrums explode from her shrieks than lose a limb because she finds out from you,” he smiles weakly. Sam nods.

“Point taken.” Sam stands, carrying their dishes over to the sink. Dean feels a huge weight off his shoulders, one he didn't realize he was carrying.  His relief at his brother's reaction is almost overwhelming, and he sits back with a grin on his face.  When he thinks about it, he knew he shouldn't have worried about it, but Sam was his only anchor his whole life, what he thought about Dean was more important than anything.  Sam finished their dishes, turning to face Dean.

“We're good?” Dean asks anyway.  Sam smiles.

“Of course, jerk.”

“Bitch.”

Sam leaves, promising to keep Dean's secret for now, letting Dean decide when and how to announce his relationship to the rest of the group.  Dean agreed to let him tell Jess, but made him swear to secrecy otherwise.

Dean's trying to decide how to butter up and tell Charlie when his phone rings. To his surprise, he sees the most adorable picture of Cas pop up on his phone.  He answers with a laugh.

“So that's what you were doing to my phone while I made breakfast this morning,” Dean says warmly.

“I'm going to give you smartphone lessons, your settings are all sorts of weird.” Cas' voice was strong, confident and happy, their talk last night lifting the same weight off his shoulders Dean just got rid of.

“You've got good timing.  I just came out to Sam,” Dean said.

“How'd it go?” Cas asked.

“Good. I knew it would, but it's still nerve wracking. He was surprised, but once he got the idea in his head he didn't seem phased at all. I also told him about Aaron.”

“You okay?” Cas asked after a pause.

“Yeah, I'm good. In fact, I'm feeling so good I'd like to take you out to dinner tonight,” Dean said quickly.

“Actually, I was hoping to stay in tonight." Cas said slowly.  Dean felt his smile fading until Cas continues talking.  "I've got a steak dinner bought and waiting for me at home. Although I have no one to cook it...”  Dean shakes his head, letting out a small laugh.

“You know, if you want me to cook for you all you have to do is ask."  Dean could feel himself getting excited, both about his date with Cas and being able to work in his fantastic kitchen again.

“Well then, would you mind coming over to my place to cook me dinner tonight, Dean?”

“Sounds like a lot of work, better make it worth my while.”  He meant it in simple jest, no subtext, no innuendo.  But the moment the words left his mouth a flush crept up his cheeks.

“I'll see what I can do,” Cas said, equally ambiguous.

“Want me to pick you up from Angels and Demons?” Dean asked.

“Sure, I'm done at 5:30.”

“See you then.”

“Bye, Dean.” Dean hangs up, grinning like a fool. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he was happy. Actually happy, no baggage, no worry, no nagging fear that it would all just stop again.

He wastes the next two hours doing laundry and flipping channels, until 5pm rolls around and he runs out the door to the Impala, driving over to Angels and Demons to get Cas. He pulls around back and texts Cas that he's waiting outside the back door.  After a few minutes, Kevin's head pops out the door, looking around until he sees the Impala, and he waves Dean over.  Dean climbs out of the car, walking up to the door.

“Hey, Kevin.”

“Hello, Dean. Cas said to let you in, he might be a little longer than he thought.” He walks in front of Dean down the hallway to Cas' office, and Dean settles into one of the chairs as Kevin sits at the smaller desk on the far side of the room, immediately burying himself in whatever he was doing on his computer.  Dean looks around the office, a little less tidy than it was the last time he was here, before Cas was gone for two months.

Kevin wasn't kidding about Cas running late, Dean ends up waiting in silence with Cas' young assistant until closer to 5:50 before he finally hears Cas' familiar voice through the door.

“I don't care, Crowley, I really don't.  Just don't get me sued and you can do whatever you want.”

“You're a really horrible negotiator, has anyone ever told you that?” A deep, British voice followed Cas' and as they reached the door Dean saw Cas was being followed by a shorter man, a little bit older than Cas and thicker around the middle, but wearing a very dapper suit and coat.

“Why do you care? Don't you like getting your way?” Cas grouses, rubbing at his temple as he walks over towards his desk.

“Yes, but the fun is in the sales pitch. You're bursting my bubble,” Crowley chuckles with no mirth in it, and notices Dean. “Oh, company.” He walks over and offers his hand to Dean, who shakes it nervously. “Name's Crowley.”

“Dean.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Dean.” He turns back to Cas. “I'll take my leave then, just send you the particulars, yes?” and he turns and walks out Cas' office door.

“I'm sorry,” Cas groans, packing up some things on his desk distractedly. “There was a bit of a disagreement on budgeting for the St. Patrick's party.” Dean watched as Cas rifled through papers, sliding things into drawers, piling things other places, and was generally agitated.  He stood, walking over to Cas and taking hold of his hands, freezing him in place.

“Hey, c'mon.  Let's go eat, this can wait till tomorrow,” he said.  Cas looked up at Dean, his brow furrowed in annoyance.

“I have to get this mess cleaned up, Dean, it's been three days now and I can't-” _To hell with this_.  Dean leaned in, not caring that Kevin was sitting at the desk just across from them, and kissed Castiel quiet.  When he pulled back the furrow was gone from his face, replaced by a resigned smile.

“I'm sure it can wait one more day,” Dean said quietly.  Cas flushed and nodded.

“I suppose it can," he sighed.  I'll see you tomorrow, Kevin,” Cas called, grabbing his coat.

“Sure thing, Mr. Novak.” his assistant said, seemingly unphased by Dean kissing his boss.  Dean followed Cas out the back to his car and he took off towards Cas' house.

“Tough day at work?” Dean chuckled.  Cas laughs at himself.

“Not really, it's just... The two of us, we're totally different personalities, so getting anything done with Crowley is just taxing on my nerves.” He turns slightly in the seat to face Dean. “So you told your brother,” he said gently. Dean smiled.

“Yeah, I did. And something clicked finally, Cas. I'm not scared any more.” He feels Cas' hand on his knee, and he smiles.  "I guess maybe it wasn't just the whole Aaron side of this that bothered me, but how I was keeping it a secret from Sam. The moment he figured it out just...”

“I'm proud of you,” Cas said warmly, squeezing his knee before taking his hand back.

“Yeah, me too.”

They pull up into Cas' driveway and up to the turn around.  Cas lets them in, hanging his and Dean's coats up before walking into the kitchen.

“I didn't know what all you'd want with your steak...” Cas started, pulling a list off the refrigerator.  “I just got a little bit of what I used to eat, and crossed my fingers."  Dean read over the list of food, a smile spreading across his face.

“I like how you assumed I would agree to come cook this for you." Dean tries to sound annoyed, but Cas smirks.

"You're here, aren't you?" He says calmly.  Dean shrugs, turning his attention back to the list.

"Yeah, I can work with this,” he pulled his long sleeve flannel off, draping it over a chair and started pulling pans out of Cas' cupboard.  As he turned towards the fridge, Cas stepped in his way. “Cas, wha-”

Cas started kissing him.

Holy _hell_ , did Cas start kissing him.

Dean realized how badly he'd missed this, how badly he wanted Cas' lips under his. Cas' hands were all over him, and Dean found his buried in Cas' hair, tilting his head for better access and pulling Cas close.  This was right, this felt right, everything about them being together was _right_. Cas pulled back, short of breath but with a smile on his face.

“I just... I needed to get that off my chest,” he gasped.  Dean cleared his throat.

“I uh, appreciate that,” he said, untangling himself from Cas. “But if you want dinner, that's not going to help much.” Cas blushed, moving away and sitting on a stool at the island counter, looking adorably fascinated with whatever Dean was doing.  

Dean got to work making their dinner, trying to ignore Cas' eyes watching every move he was making, trying to focus on the potatoes and vegetables he was preparing. When he pulled the steak out of the fridge, he groaned.

“What is it?” Cas asked.

“Nothing, it's nothing.” He turned to the counter, and caught Cas' raised eyebrow. Dean sighed. “Okay, it's just that I forget sometimes.”

“Forget what?”

“That you're a Novak.” Cas' face falls slightly. “No, Cas, don't look at me like that.” Dean points at the steak. “This cut of beef costs more than half the groceries I buy for an entire week.” Cas blushes.

“I was recommended that cut by the butcher...” Dean shakes his head, forcing himself to sidestep the fact that his boyfriend went to an actual butcher instead of the grocery store.   _This is going to take some getting used to_.

“It's not a bad thing, Cas. I just forget how much money you have sometimes.”  He starts prepping the steak for the pan, but as he works he sees Castiel is still uncomfortable, so once he's got the steak cooking, he washes his hands and walks up to him, hugging him from behind and placing a soft kiss on his neck as he walks by.

“I'm not trying to show off,” Cas mumbles.

“I know, baby. It's alright, it makes me feel special.” Dean walks back over to the stove, blushing at the term of endearment, but pleased with the effect it had on relaxing Cas' mood.

Dean serves up their meal of steak, roasted red potatoes, and broccoli at the actual dining room table, even though Cas wanted to eat at the kitchen island.  This was their first date since Cas got back, and Dean wanted to do it right.  Cas got them drinks, and came out with glasses that looked like they had champagne in them.  Dean's face must have fallen, because Cas laughed.

“Relax, Dean. It's sparkling grape juice.” He set a cup down in front of Dean and one at his plate while Dean tried to hide his blush from his small moment of panic.  Dean watches Cas' face as he takes his first bite of steak.  His eyes flutter closed and a groan escapes him, making Dean flush with both pride... and possibly something else.

“So I guess you like it?” he asked.

“It's perfect. Seriously, you should do this professionally.”  Dean blushes, turning his attention to his own food.

“Nah, I don't think I'd enjoy it.  Too much stress.  I'd prefer just cooking for friends and family.  At least then if I screw something up they're obligated to tell me it's awesome anyway.” Dean winks and Cas grins.

“Good, then I don't have to share your cooking with too many other people.”  He takes another bite of his steak and moans again, and Dean squirms slightly in his chair. He has a hunch that Cas is doing that on purpose.

After dinner, Cas loaded the dishes in the dishwasher while Dean sat at the island counter, sipping on the last of the grape juice.

“This was a nice touch,” he said, holding up his cup.  Cas shrugged.

“I wanted to make tonight special, I hope I didn't startle you too bad when I brought it out.”

“A little, but I should have known better than to doubt you,” Dean said with a grin. Cas dried his hands off on a towel, his smile fading into something slightly embarrassed.

“I forgot dessert, though. I was so worried about dinner I didn't even think about that.” He hung the towel up, walking over to sit next to Dean.

“That's alright, Cas. I ate enough tonight I don't think I'd have room for dessert.” Dean feels Cas' leg brush his as he sits down, his arm flush against Dean's. Dean leans over, kissing his temple, trying to ignore his heart racing in his chest. “Thanks for dinner.”

“You cooked it, Dean, I should be thanking you,” he said quietly. Dean shrugged.

“Guess we're 50/50 on this one.”

“Gives a new meaning to going dutch,” Cas said. Dean laughed, a warm feeling running through him as Cas' hand found his on the counter, squeezing tightly. “I don't think I really thanked you for last night.” Cas said, his tone sobering some. Dean shrugged.

“There's nothing to thank me for.”

“Yes, there is.” Cas turns to face him on his stool, and Dean does the same, their knees brushing together. “I was a mess, I don't- I don't think I'd ever fallen apart like that before, Dean.”

“You just needed someone to listen. I know how that is.” Cas tilted his head, looking at Dean curiously.

“You really didn't see it? God, I've been hiding this for so long, I've gotten too good at it."  He took a deep breath. “I was a mess last night. Talking about the pain, about what I'd done... I was on the brink of breaking down, of sinking back into those feelings...” His voice is trembling, and Dean reaches out to comfort him. Cas leans forward, pressing his forehead against Dean's. “I was so scared that it would be too much for you. You have your own things you have to work through, and I was adding my horrible baggage to the pile and I-” Dean shushed him.

“Hey, it's okay. Yeah, we've been through some crap, but we both got through it on our own, right? Now we don't have to be alone in this anymore.” He kissed Cas softly, and was nearly knocked off his stool when Cas stood suddenly, wrapping Dean in a hug so tight it knocked the wind from his lungs. He wrapped his arms around Cas, smiling into his shoulder. They stood there like that for a while, Dean wasn't sure how long.  He just closed his eyes, breathing in Cas' scent, letting himself get lost in the man he was holding in his arms. They had about two months of 'relationship' status under their belts, but it felt like so much more than that to Dean. He felt like he'd been waiting for Castiel, like the moment they met at Angels and Demons they were already good friends, just needing that chance meeting to turn into something more. Cas started trailing little kisses up Dean's neck, sending a spread of goosebumps down his arms.

“You're amazing,” Cas sighed in his ear, pulling back to see Dean's face. Dean smiled.

“I do my best,” he said with a wink. Cas released him, taking his cup over to the sink. Dean stood, making his way out of the kitchen towards the hallway.  He felt slightly crestfallen when he checked the time on his phone.  It was after 8pm, there was a delivery in the morning at Singers's that he needed to be there for.  He grabbed his long sleeve shirt from where he'd left it.

“You're leaving?” Cas asked quietly.  Dean turned and looked into those shining blue eyes, and started to doubt his choice to leave.  Cas just stared right back, leaving Dean to finally break and look away.  He leans against the wall just outside the kitchen as Cas walks over to him.

“I uh.. probably should...” Cas ran a hand over Dean's chest, making no secret he was undressing Dean with his eyes, and Dean's mouth went dry.  Dean felt a flare of warmth deep him his gut.  

_Maybe he could stay?_

The implications of that thought sent his mind swimming. Cas clearly wanted this between them, and he had for a while, Dean was the one who always held them back. Was he finally ready for this?

"You're somewhere else right now," Cas said quietly, his head tilted slightly as he looked at Dean.  Dean sighed.

"Yeah, sorry." He dug at his carpet with his toe. "I should probably sleep, I have a delivery tomorrow morning..." Cas had slowly moved closer into his personal space while he was thinking, something Dean didn't notice till he was running his other hand down his arm, one still resting on his chest. The mint and cinnamon scent invaded his senses, teasing and calming him at the same time.

"Do you want to go?" he asked.  Dean desperately and agonizingly does not want to leave.  He reaches his hand up, touching Castiel's cheek gently.

"I don't know," is all he manages to say. Cas turns into Dean's touch, his eyes sliding closed for a moment before opening again, looking up at Dean through his lashes.

"You could stay," he says softly.  Dean swallows hard, afraid to answer, almost afraid to even be near Cas.

"Cas, I-" Cas cuts Dean off as he leans in slowly and kisses him, chaste.  Dean's body lifts from the wall and moves into Cas', his hand running from his cheek around the back of his neck, pulling him in tightly.  He's kissing him firmly now, and Cas wraps a hand around him, resting it against his lower back. He runs his fingers into Cas' hair, breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against Cas'.  They stand in silence briefly, until Cas' hand against Dean's back pulls Dean's body flush against his, his arm stronger than Dean would have thought.

"I missed you," he breathed, and his voice is filled with so much in that moment a shudder runs down Dean's spine.  He leans in, kissing Cas again and there's purpose behind it, a desire he hadn't felt in so long, he'd almost forgotten what it was like.  He still may not know what they are, but he knows how to do this.  He opens his lips against Castiel's and with no hesitation Cas' tongue slips past his lips.  He responds in kind, and the familiar fireworks start going off in his mind as their tongues make contact.

 _This can't be real_ , Dean thinks to himself, _I must be dreaming_.  The kiss is beautiful, the perfect balance of tenderness and passion. Cas' arm is still tight against his lower back, the other running up his chest to his shoulder and back down.  Dean's other hand drops his long sleeve shirt, sliding up Cas' arm instead, his fingers tracing small circles against his upper arm.  Dean pulls away for a short moment to catch his breath before Cas' nails were digging into his back through his shirt, and all thoughts outside of Cas were banished from his mind.

Dean's not sure how long they stand there, kissing deeply, like they were meant for this, tongues expertly dancing together.  He's hard, his jeans uncomfortably tight, and as he rolls his hips into Cas he feels his arousal through his dress pants, and grunt escapes both men at the contact.  Cas' hand slips under the fabric of Dean's shirt, pressing into the skin of his lower back, the skin on skin contact sending a thrill down to Dean's groin. Dean slips a hand down to Cas' ass, tucking his hand in his back pocket and squeezing, the thin fabric leaving nothing to the imagination.

    Cas moans into Dean's mouth, and suddenly Dean's pulling his hand off his ass and pushing Cas flush against the wall, finding the curved lines of his hips through his shirt and grabbing hold.  Cas rolls his hips this time, and Dean's head falls back with a grown.  Cas takes the invitation and goes to work on his neck, making small noises escape Dean's throat.

Dean presses Cas harder into the wall, rolls his hips with purpose and pulling a groan from Cas that Dean feels vibrate through his chest.  He rolls into Cas again, pulling out another groan before leaning down to capture his lips again with his own.  His hand is blindly working at the bottom buttons of Cas' shirt, managing to get one or two undone to give him better access to Cas' skin.  The kiss is messy now, both of them gasping for air. Dean feels Cas' hand under his shirt, running over his stomach and up his chest, his own hand fisted in Cas' hair.  His free hand runs up under Cas' shirt, sliding over his stomach and hips.  Cas whines as Dean grinds into him, groaning and tugging at him desperately. Dean tries to pull back to remove more clothes but Cas refuses to let him move away, gripping him so tight Dean knows there are going to be bruises.

He's worked Dean's shirt halfway off, and though they're both fully dressed from the waist down, Cas' desperation is feeding into Dean and he feels the warmth starting to pool in his gut, small obscene noises escaping him every time he thrusts against him.  Dean dips his head to capture Cas' neck, nipping and licking along the soft skin.  Cas' breathing becomes erratic, a drawn out moan escaping him, and without warning he latches on to Dean's shoulder, biting down as an almost sob escapes him, his hips stuttering as he comes.  The feel and sight of him, sexed out yet clothed, leaving his mark on Dean, sends Dean over the edge, and he sucks a bruise into Cas' neck as he comes in his pants.

They lean against each other through the afterglow, gasping for air, before Cas starts to laugh quietly.  Dean finds himself laughing as well.

"God, how old are we? I haven't come like that since... I think I was 14." He sighs, running a hand through the mess he made of Cas' hair.  Cas is grinning, and he kisses the wet spot on dean's shoulder where he bit him, his cheeks flushed.

"I don't know what came over me I just... I don't normally get that carried away." Dean kisses him quiet.

"Hey, I don't mind." Dean takes a step back, adjusting his clothes as Cas does the same. Dean takes in the sight of Cas standing in front of him, biting back a moan. Cas' dress pants have a tiny wet spot on them now, and his shirt is wrinkled beyond excuses.  Not to mention his hair is a mess and there's a huge hickey on his flushed skin. The image is something Dean will remember for the rest of his life.

"I'd better get home," Dean sighs before he changes his mind.  "I need clean clothes now."   

"Okay," Cas sighs, still frozen where Dean had him against the wall.  Dean picks up his shirt and coat and turns to the door as Cas catches his breath.  He's stupidly proud of himself for walking without shaking legs.  Once fully dressed, Dean reaches out and grabs Cas' hand.

"When can I see you again?" He says softly. Cas smiles, kissing him briefly.

"Whenever you'd like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me some comments and Kudos!!! Comments fuel me to keep writing, the more I get, the faster I update!! XD


	16. Green Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, ya'll some teeth rotting, gooey, lovey dovey, fluffiness!! This is my FAVORITE stuff to write, so I hope you enjoy reading it!!
> 
> They mention Cas' scars again... not in much detail so I'm not posting as strong of a trigger warning, but they're there, so heads up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16: Green Eyes- Coldplay  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP-Zz-YIfi8  
> Honey you are a rock  
> Upon which I stand  
> And I came here to talk  
> I hope you understand
> 
> The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you  
> And how could, anybody, deny you  
> I came here with a load  
> And it feels so much lighter now I met you  
> And honey you should know  
> That I could never go on without you  
> Green eyes
> 
> Honey you are the sea  
> Upon which I float  
> And I came here to talk  
> I think you should know
> 
> The green eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find  
> And anyone who tried to deny you, must be out of their mind  
> Because I came here with a load  
> And it feels so much lighter since I met you  
> Honey you should know  
> That I could never go on without you  
> Green eyes, green eyes  
> Oh oh oh oh [x4]
> 
> Honey you are a rock  
> Upon which I stand

“You need to tell her.”

“I know.”

“Putting it off is only going to make it worse.”

“I know.”

“Especially if you want to tell everyone about the two of us at the party.”

“I KNOW, CAS!” Dean snapped, a groan escaping him.  Cas was smiling, not put off at all by Dean's outburst.  Charlie had asked if Dean wanted to go to the Angels and Demons St. Patrick's Day party, and Dean politely declined, making some excuse about work the next day, but in all honesty, he just didn't want to be around that many people getting drunk when he knew he couldn't drink.  Not to mention Cas had been in so many arguments with Crowley over the party the last couple weeks he refused to go on principal, and Dean fully supported his decision.

A few days after Dean declined she called and apologized for putting him in that position, which made him wonder if Cas or Sam had something to do with it.  Charlie decided she was going to organize a more private party for their crew at her and Thia's place, playing all the Leprechaun movies back to back and having a much less inebriated celebration.  Leave it to Charlie to come up with a much better alternative on such short notice.

She also mentioned offhand that Cas was going to the party, though Dean already knew from Cas himself she had asked him.  And that same night, Cas had pointed out that it would be an opportunity for Dean to tell everyone about them.  That was almost three weeks ago, just after he and Cas had become, well, he and Cas.  He'd talked to Cas about how to handle telling Charlie herself about the two of them, wanting Cas’ input because she was his friend as well, it would be just as much Cas’ announcement as it was Dean’s.  

Dean was in favor of just showing up at her apartment and making out with Cas, blatant and obvious.  He wanted to just get the whole thing over and done with.

Cas preferred they tell her quietly about Dean, and tell her about Cas being his boyfriend in a month or two, when they'd gotten their feet under them.

After nearly two hours going back and forth, they decided on Dean just coming out to her first, then laying Castiel on her a few days later.  

Once they'd reached that decision, Dean found it hard to follow through.  He'd gone to lunch with her a few times, but couldn't find a way to bring it up, and kept putting it off.  As it was, the party was coming up that Thursday, and he was no closer to coming out to Charlie on the Tuesday before than he had been three weeks ago.

“It's easy Dean, just give her a phone call and tell her.  Plain and simple, no fanfare.” Dean groaned again, drowning out Cas' voice.  They were sitting in Dean's apartment, Dean had just gotten home from work and Cas had arrived shortly after, Kevin dropping him off for the night.  He was going over some invoices from the club on Dean's coffee table, Dean lounging on the couch behind him with Iron Man playing on the television, though Dean wasn't really watching.  “Stop groaning, it's unbecoming,” Cas sighed.

“Stop nagging me,” Dean mumbled.  Even though he couldn't see it, he knew Cas was smirking, and it made him sulk more.  The worst part was Cas had a point, which was mostly why Dean was complaining.  

It was a little unnerving to Dean at times that, given their short history, he and Cas had fallen into such a comfortable relationship with one another.  Dean sometimes forgot they'd only just met six months ago, because he felt so relaxed around him.  A few minutes of silence pass, and Dean's fingers start tracing along the collar of Cas' shirt, tickling along his neck.  Cas leaned his head back to stop him, nestling against Dean's stomach, a soft sigh escaping his lips.  A few butterflies still did their dance every time Cas showed him affection, and Dean secretly hoped they'd never go away.

“The sooner you call her the sooner I'll stop bothering you,” Cas pointed out, looking up at Dean with a smug look on his face. Dean smiled in spite of himself, running his fingers through Castiel's hair.

“You only get away with it because you're so adorable,” Dean sighed.  Cas grinned at him, a bright flash of teeth.  

Dean was starting to get used to this, the two of them just easily enjoying the other’s company.  They'd made an unspoken arrangement, and had developed comfortable pattern for seeing each other over the past few weeks.  Dean would pick Cas up from work, or Kevin would drive him, and they'd alternate between his place or Cas'.  Dean would cook dinner on their early nights, and on their late nights, he'd cook them breakfast the next morning.  Waking up next to Cas was something Dean would never get tired of.

Their sex life hadn't progressed much farther since they rutted off in Cas' hallway, not for lack of interest, but out of understanding, a mutual need to take their time with this.  Of course, waking up in bed with Cas had left Dean with a few morning woods, but Dean didn't press and Cas didn’t either.  A few hand jobs had been traded between them, and yesterday morning, Cas had gone down on him for the first time and he came so hard he saw stars, but Dean never felt pressure for there to be anything more between them.  They just _worked_ together, and it amazed Dean all the time.

Cas turned his face away from Dean, focusing again on the ledgers in front of him, and Dean turned his attention back to the movie.  After a few moments, Dean realized Cas was humming.  Well, attempting to hum, but he wasn't the best at carrying a tune.  It took Dean a little while to realize what the song actually was, and when he did he chuckled to himself.

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“You're humming Coldplay.” Cas looked up, blushing.

“What of it?” he said, a smile on his face.

“Why Coldplay?” Dean teased.  Cas shrugged.

“I like the lyrics...” he muttered, his ears turning pink.

“You're so freakin' cute,” Dean sighed, running a hand through Cas' hair. “But, you can't carry a tune to save your life,” he added.  Cas frowned and stuck his tongue out at Dean.

“I'm sure you're not much better,” he grumbled.  Dean raised an eyebrow, tracing Cas' hairline along his temple.

“ _Because I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter since I met you_ ,” Dean sang softly, and Cas froze, his eyes widening in surprise.  Dean had been told he had a decent singing voice, but aside from some bouts of Karaoke at Charlie's, where he never sang seriously, he didn't use it much.  “ _And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you_.”  He stumbled and stopped singing because of how Cas was looking at him.

“Not fair, beautiful and talented,” he breathed, staring at Dean in wonder.  Dean blushed.

“I'm alright,” he muttered.

“Also, not fair, the song is called _Green Eyes_ , you can't sing it to me.” Dean winks at him.

“I'll just change it to _Blue Eyes_ , that work for you?” he reasoned, his fingers tracing Cas' jawline.  Cas blushed, turning away from Dean.

“Still not fair,” he mumbled, pouting at the coffee table.  Dean laughed.

“Tell you what, I'll call Charlie, then we'll fight over song lyrics. Deal?” Cas attempted to keep pouting, but a small smiled pulled at his lips anyway.  Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket with a sigh, and dialed Charlie's number.

“Hey, Dean, sup?” she answered cheerily, loud upbeat music playing in the background. She always got this way when she was planning a party, dancing around her house making notes and shopping lists.  Dean could almost see her prancing around her kitchen.

“Hey Charlie. Listen, I- I need to talk to you about something.  Real quick.” He heard the music cut off.

“Yeah, sure, anything.” she said, her tone turning a bit more serious.  Dean swallowed hard.

“I'm thinking about bringing a date to the party on Thursday.” he said quietly.  As predicted, she shrieked, so much so Dean held the phone away from his ear.  He saw Cas shaking in laughter, and gently slapped him on the shoulder.

“Oh, that's wonderful, Dean! I was wondering if I'd ever get to meet her!” Dean smiled, thankful he'd be able to use the same tactic on her that Sam had set him up with.

“Actually, Charlie, my date's a him. You'll get to meet _him_.”

“Do they have any-” she stopped mid sentence. “What did you say?” she whispered.

“I said I'm dating a man, Charlie,” Dean grimaced, waiting for the eventual ear piercing scream from the phone.  Yet it didn't come.

“Oh,” was all she said, sounding a bit dumbfounded.

“Charlie, you okay?” Dean asked, blinking at her unexpected reaction.

“Yeah, I'm just... wow, Dean you're... but you haven't... you mean you've...”

“Hey, deep breaths Charlie.  In and out.” he sighed, starting to smile.  He'd really caught her off guard, and he was strangely pleased with himself.  Cas turned to look over his shoulder, brow furrowed and an amused look on his face.  He wasn't expecting this reaction either.

“Holy Jesus on a pogo stick, Dean!” she gasped. “You're with a guy? Really?”

“Yes, Charlie. Really.”

“I just... you've done a damn good job of hiding this mister!” she snapped.  Dean laughed.

“What? Upset that your gaydar was broken?” Dean asked, teasingly.  She sighed.

“How could I not know?” she groaned. “I'm so disappointed in myself.”

“Hey, I didn't really know until I met him.  At least not for sure.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair again, and Cas turned completely, his work forgotten, leaning his cheek against Dean's stomach.

“What's he like?”

“Stoic, kind, patient- has to be to put up with me, right? He's a good friend, he's honest. Very sexy of course,” Dean winks at Cas, who turns and places a kiss on Dean's tummy, and Dean flinches on reflex.

“Sounds like quite the catch. You think he'll fit in with our crowd of crazies?” she asked.

“He'll fit in just fine.” Dean says, but he's distracted now, because Cas is inching the fabric of his shirt up, exposing his skin and placing soft kisses against his hips. “I gotta go, Charlie. I'll see you Thursday.”

“Yeah, okay. Bye, Dean.” She seemed slightly confused by the sudden dismissal, but Dean hangs up anyway, he can't concentrate on anything but Cas' lips leaving soft kisses over his stomach.

“You know, when I'm on the phone this is totally not fair,” Dean sighs, his fingers still tangled in Cas' hair.  Cas hums against his skin.

“What are you talking about?” he teases, blinking up at Dean innocently.  The memory of Cas' lips on other parts of Dean's body has him flushed and squirming as Cas' hand slides up under Dean's shirt, running over his chest and stomach.

“Cas-” Dean hisses as Cas' thumb brushes over his nipple.  Cas is up on his knees now, leaning over to kiss Dean softly.

“Sorry, you were just saying all those nice things about me.” Cas is still smiling innocently, in spite of his hand still rubbing lazy circles over Dean's chest.  Dean exhales in a huff, running his hand over Cas' cheek.  Cas turns his face into Dean's touch, brushing his lips against his wrist gently.  Moments like this are what make Dean forget how short a time he's known Cas, because when he's looking at him so openly affectionate and Dean's heart is soaring in his chest, he feels like he's known Cas his whole life.

His tummy rumbles and the moment is broken, hunger for food winning out over hunger for other things.  With a resigned groan, Dean sits up, planting a kiss on Cas' forehead before standing.

“Too sappy, Cas. I'm going to make dinner, try and get some of the chick flick off me,” he mutters.  Cas just laughs, turning back to his work.

“You're too freakin' cute for words, Dean Winchester,” Cas calls.  Dean flushes and busies himself cooking their spaghetti and meatballs, trying not to beam at the food he was cooking.  Smiling was coming a lot easier to Dean now that he was with Cas.  A lot of things were getting easier, actually, and among them was the fact he hadn't even thought about drinking at all.  His anxiety about being with Cas had diminished dramatically, brief echos only rising to the surface when they were intimate.  Even then, Cas' soothing voice had talked him through the worst of it, and now he barely had to deal with his anxiety at all.  It was a good feeling.

As Dean starts to plate up their food, he notices his maps tucked underneath the mail on the counter.  He sets down the plates of food and pulls out the map of Florida he'd been reading over a few weeks ago.  Things at the shop had leveled out, Nick's schedule was more set in stone, and Dean wasn't really needed on a regular basis.  He could take the time off if he wanted...

“Were you going to call me to dinner anytime soon, or were we going to eat it cold?” Cas said from the doorway.  Dean jumps, dropping the map on the counter and walking their food over to the table.

“Sorry, Cas.” He sets out the bowls and silverware, but when he turns to get them something to drink, he sees Cas has picked up the map.

“What's this for?” he asked quietly.  Dean blushed and shrugged.

“Nothing, just thinking,” he mutters, and Cas raises an eyebrow.

“Thinking about what?” he asks.

“I dunno...just thinking.” He avoids Cas' gaze and sits at the table.

“You're being very descriptive,” Cas sighs, sitting in front of Dean and setting the map down between them.

“Before we... fixed this, I was considering a road trip. Just to get away from it all for a while, clear my head.”

“Run away from what I'd done to you,” Cas says bluntly, taking a bite of his food.  Dean swallowed.

“Well, at the time, yeah I guess I was.” He pushes his meatball around his bowl. “But now I was thinking, maybe it wouldn't be running away as much as it's running to something.” Cas' fork stops halfway to his mouth.

“You're still considering leaving?” he asks, his head tilted in confusion.  Dean shrugs.

“If it's alright?”

“I don't...” Cas looks visibly upset, and the conversation catches up with Dean.  It sounds like he's thinking about leaving on his own.  His eyes widen and he reaches out to grasp Cas' hand, nearly knocking his fork to the floor.

“You'd come with me, Cas.  You and me, just some time alone together.” As he talks, Cas' face starts to relax.

“Oh. I thought you meant...”

“I want you with me, Cas. That's what I was hoping for this trip, a fresh start, you know?”

“Yeah. I think I'd like that.” He gave Dean a smile, Dean's favorite, that wrinkles the corners of his eyes. “I've been meaning to take some time off.  And a road trip with you sounds better than whatever I would have planned.”  Dean's starting to get excited now, his mind racing ahead.

“I was thinking after the party, we could slip away the next day, give everyone some time to get used to the idea before we have to deal with it.” Dean said in a rush.  The two of them and Baby, nothing but the highway...

“I'll tell Kevin I'm taking the week off.” Cas squeezed Dean's hand. “Just you and me, babe," he said warmly, almost like he was reading Dean's thoughts.

“Good, that's all set.  Now eat your dinner I slaved over,” Dean said gruffly, trying to hide his giddy blush.

“Yes, sir,” Cas winked, tucking in.

 

After they eat, Dean attempts to watch Iron Man 2 with Cas, now that Cas is done working, but barely sees ten minutes of the movie.  Between watching Cas' face and reactions to the movie, Cas had never seen it before, Dean hardly looked at the TV.  Also, with his mind wandering about the road trip _and_ telling all his friends he was dating Cas in two days, Dean only realized the movie was over when the DVD player reverted back to the main menu.  Cas peeled himself away from Dean's side, standing and stretching, the lift of his arms pulling the hem of his shirt up over his pants, giving Dean a nice show of his hip bones from where he sat on the couch.

“Shall we get some sleep?” he asked, smiling fondly at Dean and offering his hand to help him up.  Dean grunted, letting Cas pull him up off the couch, stealing a kiss when he was fully upright.  Cas walked down to the bedroom as Dean turned off the TV and the lights, following behind slowly.  He had decided to take Cas to St. Augustine, even though Cas had probably been there before.  There was enough to do there to keep them busy for a few days, and Dean knew of some pretty romantic dates that could be planned around the city.  His cheeks flushed at all the sappy thoughts playing in his mind, of he and Cas just walking around, holding hands, and just being _together_.

He walked into his room, his thoughts changing when he looked at the spot on the wall where he'd shattered the bottle of whiskey.  He thought back to where he was that night, how far he'd fallen into himself.  He could see now, after talking with Sam, how much it hurt his brother and Charlie to watch him suffer.  He'd been selfish, he'd never thought about them, about what his drinking was doing to them, not just himself.  He'd come a long way in a few months, both hitting rock bottom and now up on a high where he hoped he'd never come down.  The paradox that caused both of them was standing there at the edge of his bed, going through a small overnight bag and pulling out a toothbrush and some pajama pants.  Cas turns to walk to the bathroom, but something in Dean's face must give him pause.

“Dean, are you okay?” he asks quietly.  Dean smiles and nods.

“Yeah, Cas. I'm good, just... thinking about where I used to be.  And about where I am now.” Cas smiles and walks into the bathroom, and Dean hears the water running as he brushes his teeth.  A few minutes later, they switch, and Dean runs a toothbrush over his teeth quickly.  He walks back out in his room, turning off the light and tossing his pants in his hamper, crawling into bed in his t-shirt and boxer briefs.  

    Cas is sitting on the edge of the bed, checking his email before plugging his phone in to charge.  The stark white light casts strange shadows on his face, but they just add to Cas' beauty.  He's still wearing his long sleeve shirt, the t-shirt he'll sleep in sitting on the bed next to him, and Dean rolls his eyes and smiles.  He noticed that no matter how many times they'd spent the night together, Cas hardly had his shirt off for longer than a few seconds.  Even though Dean had seen his scars, he was still self conscious about them.

Dean had a mind to change that.

He crawls up right behind Cas, his legs on either side of him hanging over the edge of the bed, reaching around and starting to help him undo his buttons.

“ _Blue eyes, you're the one that I wanted to find_.” Dean sang softly against the back of Cas' neck.  “ _And anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their minds_.”  Dean‘s fingers gently worked at Cas’ shirt.

“I can manage, you know,” Cas sighed.  In spite of the jest, there was a tenseness in his voice.  Dean trailed soft kisses down his shoulder as he undid the last button.

“You don't have to hide from me,” Dean said softly against Cas' skin.  He undid first one sleeve button, then the other, sliding his hands back up to Cas' stomach, keeping them on the outside of the cloth even though it lay opened and unbuttoned.

“I'm not hiding.  You've seen... them,” Cas mutters.  Dean hugs Cas tightly.

“You're beautiful, Cas. Inside and out.” Dean's unsure where the words are coming from, but they're flowing out of him easily and he's not complaining. “You went through something life changing, something not many people can begin to understand.” Dean rests his chin on his shoulder. “Given time, I might be able to pack the darkest times of my life away, but you have to see yours all the time. And you know what?  You're here, you're better.” He reached down, slowly pulling up one of Cas' sleeves, his finger tracing the ink on his skin.

“Dean...” Cas trembles slightly at his touch but doesn't pull away.

“I don't see scars, I don't see pain and regret. I see your strength, I see the moment you said 'enough'. You crawled up out of that place, all on your own, and it's amazing.”  He feels Cas' whole body start to tremble, and notices the tears falling down his cheeks.  He reaches up, gently wiping them away. “I'm so glad I met you, because you gave me the strength I needed to crawl out of my own hole. I'm a better man now because you're in my life.  And I'm proud to call you mine.”  He reaches up, pulling Cas' shirt from his shoulders, and Cas relaxes, letting Dean toss his shirt on the floor.  He gently runs his hand over Cas' bare back soothingly, tracing the angel wings with the tips of his fingers, then with soft kisses as he wraps his arm around him.  He feels Cas' body relax back against his chest, a deep sigh coming out in a huff.

“Quite poetic,” he mutters under his breath, and Dean grins.

“I amaze myself,” Dean chuckles, wrapping his left arm tight against Cas' chest.

“Thank you,” Cas breathed, reaching up to place a hand over Dean's right where it rested against his stomach.  Dean kissed his shoulder.

“Anytime, angel,” Dean breathes. “So about that sleep?” Cas nods, wiping at his face.  Dean scoots back towards the center of the bed, pulling Cas with him.  Cas lays on his side, and Dean gets close, curling up around him protectively, holding on like he never wants to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo what'd you think?? XD 
> 
> The next chapter may or may not be the finale to all this tension... guess you'll have to read it and see! ;)
> 
> We're halfway there people!! In theory this should wrap up in around 30 chapters, and I've written through CH 20, so we're on track! I'll have the next chapter up in a few days (hopefully)


	17. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 100% pure self indulgence, and I regret nothing XD
> 
> Enjoy some NC-17 ya'll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 17: Everything- Lifehouse  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1tVk-QlBKs  
> Find me here and speak to me  
> I want to feel you, I need to hear you  
> You are the light that's leading me  
> To the place where I find peace again
> 
> You are the strength that keeps me walking  
> You are the hope that keeps me trusting  
> You are the light to my soul  
> You are my purpose, you're everything
> 
> How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
> Would you tell me  
> How could it be any better than this?
> 
> You calm the storms and you give me rest  
> You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall  
> You steal my heart and you take my breath away  
> Would you take me in? Take me deeper now
> 
> And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
> Would you tell me,  
> How could it be any better than this?
> 
> And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
> Would you tell me  
> How could it be any better than this?
> 
> Cause you're all I want, you're all I need  
> You're everything, everything
> 
> You're all I want, you're all I need,  
> You're everything, everything. (x3)
> 
>  
> 
> And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?  
> Would you tell me,  
> How could it be any better than this? (x3)
> 
> Would you tell me how could it be  
> Any better than this...

Dean's eyes had just started growing heavy, he'd been laying with Cas for almost half an hour, and had a hard time turning off his brain to sleep.  He couldn't stop thinking about their now impending road trip, planning it out in his mind, when they should leave, when they would arrive, where they would stay.  Also, with Cas half naked and cuddled flush against him, his scent burrowing into Dean's nose where it was buried in his hair, it was hard to get his lower 'brain' to stop thinking as well.  Cas turns over to face Dean, and Dean feels his eyes on him, something determined in his gaze.

“You're thinking way too loud,” he says.

“Sorry, just excited.” Dean apologizes, leaning in and kissing Cas on the nose.

"I can tell," he says, a hint of heat in his voice.  Dean feels his face grow warm but doesn't say anything, waiting to see what Cas is thinking.  Dean’s intentions for getting Cas’ shirt off were not sexual, it was more of a test of trust, but now that they were here it was hard to ignore just how attractive Cas was, muscled and toned, the jut of his hips drawing attention downward.  They lay in silence for a few minutes, Dean watching Cas’ face in the dim light as his jaw sets like he’s made a decision, and he reaches out, running a hand over Dean’s chest.

“Not fair,” he says, a small pout on his face.

“What's not?” Dean asks with a smile. Cas wraps his fingers gently in the fabric and tugs at Dean's shirt.

“You made me take mine off, yet here you are still clothed.”  The tone in Cas' voice brings Dean's focus in, sharply aware of what was happening to the energy between them.  Dean sits up halfway, pulling off his t-shirt and tossing it on the floor, laying back down next to Cas.

“Better?” he smiled.

“Much,” Cas giggles, his fingers drawing a line down Dean's chest, tracing the muscles Dean worked so hard to get back.  He’s glad he did because as Cas’ eyes rake over him, he feels a surge of pride that he's able to make Cas look at him in such a hungry way.  Cas nibbles at his bottom lip, then seems to make a decision, leaning in and kissing him.  As Cas takes his bottom lip between his teeth, Dean gets a buzz better than any he'd gotten from drinking.  He could go on like this forever, just kissing Cas, the press of lips and the heat of shared breath.  Dean props himself up on his elbow, leaning in for a better angle and Cas' lips part underneath his, his tongue sliding past Dean’s.  Dean’s hand slides over Cas’ chest, his fingers getting to explore his bare skin for the first time.  He mimics the same tracing movements Cas was making earlier, irrationally happy because Cas trusts him enough to bare his scars to Dean, to let Dean see his damage.  He trusts him completely, and Dean feels the weight of that thought, the weight of having to make sure he never breaks that trust.

Cas pushes against Dean gently, rolling him onto his back and sliding over top of him.  He’s straddling Dean now, and he sits up, a knee on either side of him, resting in Dean's lap and looking down at Dean with shining eyes.  Dean slowly runs his fingers along Cas' chest, drinking in the sight of him.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispers.  A flush runs up Cas' cheeks.

“Stop saying that,” he muttered, a shy smile pulling at his lips.  Dean's right hand falls from Cas’ chest to his hip, his thumb running along the pronounced line leading towards his inner thigh.

“Make me,” Dean purred, his heart jumping against his ribs.  Cas' eyes widen and his jaw falls open briefly, before he bends down, kissing him softly, carding his hand through Dean's hair.  Dean's left hand also found its way to Cas' hip, holding on tightly and pulling Cas to him, a flush burning through Dean's body.  He's hard already, and he knows Cas can feel him the next time he moves into Dean’s hips because Cas gasps against Dean's mouth, resting his forehead against Dean's.

“Dean, please...” he pants softly, “I need you.”  His voice is heavy with emotion and want, and Dean's heart is fit to bursting, one arm wrapping around Cas' back and pulling him close, the other cupping his face gently.

“You have me, babe.” He captures Cas' mouth with his, and a small moan escapes Cas.  He rolls his hips slowly into Dean's lap underneath him, and Dean rises into the contact.  Their kisses are slow, their touches slower, but even as the heat between them begins to build neither of them quicken their pace.  This moment isn't about burning fire, about the need starting to grow between them.  Yes there's passion, Dean feels it as Cas kisses down his chest and slides them both out of their remaining clothes, but it's not what's fueling them.  This night isn't about Dean finally overcoming his anxiety, it isn't about Castiel's insecurities.  This was about two people learning they were more than who they were alone, learning they could be two parts of a whole.  Tonight he wants to show Cas that regardless of their pasts, he wants to share his future with him.

Cas' lips have reached Dean's hips, dusting them with kisses and love nips, and Dean's breathing heavily, rising slightly into Cas' touches.  Cas stops, looking up at Dean through his lashes, and Dean sees in his eyes a question, asking Dean if he's okay.  Dean nods, and Cas drops his lips back to Dean's hips, sliding down those last few inches and taking Dean into his mouth.

A moan slips from Dean as Castiel takes him to the hilt easily, humming at Dean’s reaction and sending little jolts through Dean’s body.  The first time they did this Dean came quickly, Cas was practiced and Dean wasn't expecting it, but Cas was taking his time tonight, teasing and licking without pushing Dean towards the edge, keeping that delicate balance just right.  Dean's fingers teased at Cas' hair where it fell across his forehead, unable to take his eyes off what his boyfriend was doing to him.  He was making small noises in the back of his throat, and Cas started doing something with his tongue that had Dean starting to lift his hips in time with his movements.

“Mm good, babe,” Dean gasps.  Cas' hand ran up Dean's side, and he followed shortly after, sliding off Dean and leaving wet kisses in his wake as he made his way up to Dean's lips.  They kissed lazily, Cas' hips rolling gently into Dean's in a steady rhythm, so much and yet not enough.  Dean's hand cups Cas' face, his thumb tracing the line of his cheekbones.  Cas pulls back, resting his forehead against Dean's, a thin layer of sweat already forming on their skin.

“Dean, I-” he starts, but it breaks off in a groan as Dean rolls his hips.  His hands are gripping Dean tightly as Dean leans in, kissing along Cas' neck as he wraps an arm around him, easily turning them over.  Cas grunts as Dean's hips lock back into place against him. “Dean-” he growls, his legs spreading so Dean can settle between them, raising his hips into Dean's.  Dean shudders, the way Cas said his name sending a current through him.  He drags his teeth along Cas' jaw, nipping at his ear.

“Yeah, Cas?” he groaned, feeling Cas' fingers digging into the skin on his back.  He runs a hand down Cas' stomach, finding his arousal and wrapping around him.

“I want you... inside me...” Dean's body freezes while his heart is doing backflips in his chest, his hand and his lips stalling as he processes what Cas just said.  Whether or not Cas realizes he's doing it, he's still taking care of Dean.  He was ready to bottom, ready to let the more experienced Cas take over, but here Cas is, giving control over to Dean, letting him know it's okay, and he trusts him. Something between a laugh and a sob escapes Dean's throat as he pulls back to meet Cas' gaze.  He wasn't sure what the look on his face must have been, but Cas' eyes grew concerned and he ran a hand through Dean's hair.  “Dean, I- you okay, baby?” he asks quietly, and Dean smiled, giving his arousal a few tugs.  Cas' eyes flutter shut as he moans.

“I'm awesome,” Dean purrs, continuing to slide his hand along Cas' erection as he buries his face in his neck, licking and nipping.  Dean's lips slide down from his neck to his chest, teasing at his nipples before continuing further.  Cas can't keep the small noises from spilling out, small whimpers and gasps as Dean explores his body.  The farther down Dean goes, the more urgent the sounds escaping from Cas, until finally Dean slips the tip of his arousal into his mouth.  

A choked off cry pulls itself from Cas, and his head falls back against the pillow.  Dean gets a thrill at the way he's making Cas fall apart underneath him.  He's no where near as practiced, this is only his third blow job ever, but after only a few minutes, Cas is clutching at the sheets white knuckled, and Dean figures he's good enough.

“N-no, stop,” Cas cries, reaching out to cup Dean's face and pull him away.  Dean smirks at Cas.

“S'matter, babe?” he coos, tracing the lines of his hips with his fingers.  Now that he could see them properly he was starting to become addicted to their curves.

“Getting... to... close...” Cas is breathing heavily, sweat shining on his chest and forehead. “Please, Dean...” he reaches for the night stand, but can't quite reach the drawer.  Dean trails tiny kisses up his chest as he crawls over Cas to reach inside and grab his bottle of lube and a condom.  In spite of the buzz he's riding, nerves start to creep up on Dean as he crawls back down Cas' body.  This will be his first time topping with a man.  He feels the weight of this moment on his heart, and as he kneels between Cas' legs, staring at the mess of a man below him, he's nearly overwhelmed.  Cas must see it in his eyes, because he sits up, his eyes never leaving Dean's as his thumb traces the lines of his lips.

“Cas- I've never...” he starts, but Cas leans in closer, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he whispers conspiratorially.  Dean smiles through his nerves.

“Anything, Cas.” he says, swallowing hard as Cas runs his hand over Dean's neck, wrapping around him to pull him close, his breath warm against Dean's ear.

“I've wanted this, wanted to be your first.” Cas' voice soothes, and just as he had so many times before, Cas just seems to know what Dean needs, what to say or do to calm him. “I've thought about this for so long, about being here with you. I know it'll be good, babe, I know it will.” He smooths a hand down Dean's cheek, and all anxiety is gone from Dean.

“Then let me get started,” he hums in Cas' ear.  Cas grins and lays back, spreading his legs to give Dean better access.  Dean pops the lid on the lube, pouring a generous amount onto his hand, taking a deep breath as he reaches down towards Cas' entrance. His fingers trace the tight muscle before he starts to push in slowly.  His other hand reaches out and wraps up in Cas' carding their fingers together.  Every time Cas' hand squeezes his, he stalls, letting Cas adjust before pushing further.  The process is slow, but he dusts all the skin he can reach with kisses, and soon his finger is moving smoothly.

“Another, Dean please-” he grunts.  Dean repeats the process, slowly pushing and stopping, being sure he's siding freely before he starts to scissor his fingers, opening Cas up.  He's buried his fingers as far as he can when suddenly Cas' hand tightens against his so much he's afraid his fingers might break. The guttural cry that escapes his lips makes Dean's arousal jump in interest.  He brushes over the same spot, earning himself another cry.

“I got you,” Dean breathes, and now that he’s found that sweet spot, he strokes it every so often, not too much, just enough to keep Cas writhing below him.  Cas is opening up, and he slowly adds another finger, unable to take his eyes off of Cas' face as it contorts in pleasure.  Knowing that he's the cause of it, that he's making someone feel this good, gives Dean a new confidence he's never really had before.

“I'm ready, please Dean,” Cas gasps, his voice a thin shadow of its former self.  Dean slides his hand from Cas', flexing his fingers to get feeling back in them, and grabs the condom.  He reluctantly removes his hand from Cas, and Cas whines unashamedly.

“Give me a moment,” Dean chuckles, tearing the wrapper open with his teeth and sliding it over his length.  He grabs hold of Cas' thighs, and without hesitation Cas drapes his legs over Dean's arms, his right ankle resting against his shoulder.  Dean swallows a groan at Cas' eagerness, pulling Cas' hips towards him.  He lines himself up and slowly pushes his tip inside.

He forgets to breathe, his heart forgets to pump, and he loses all coherent thought.  The only thing left in Dean's world is Cas, and the noise he makes as Dean gradually slides home.  He swears he doesn't breathe again until he's fully seated in Cas, clinging to his thighs like a lifeline, desperately trying to keep the party from ending before it even begins.  Cas adjusts around him, and when he starts to rock his hips, Dean finally breaks out of his dazed stupor.

He pulls out and slides in, impossibly slow, totally lost in Cas' lust blown eyes.  He's vaguely aware of obscene noises and curses escaping him, but he doesn't care, because each time they do, similar noises escape Cas' lips.  As Dean's body instinctively takes over, his mind starts to process what's happening. Everything about this feels strange and new to him.  It's like he was _made_ to be doing this, here, with Cas.  Like his whole romantic life up until then was just for show, just a springboard to bring him here.  

This was his first time sleeping with someone and feeling it in his soul, emotions overpowering the physical needs of his body.  He lowers Cas' legs so he can lean over him, wrapping his body up in his, planting contrastingly gentle kisses against his lips as he starts to rock steadily into Cas.  Cas' hands are clinging to him tightly, he can feel the blunt stubs of Cas' nails digging into the skin on his back.

“So good, Dean. God, you're so fucking good,” Cas groans, “I've wanted this for so long...” Dean leans back, words he desperately wants to say stuck in his throat.  Words that easily express everything he's feeling in that moment.  Words that distract him so much, he stalls in his thrusts, and Cas whines at him, rolling his hips against Dean, trying to get him to move again.  Dean grunts, but when he doesn't seem to show any signs of giving Cas what he wants, Cas wraps a leg tightly around his waist, pushing off with his other leg and rolling Dean before he has a chance to process what's happening.  There's some detangling of limbs, and then Dean is staring up at Cas.

“Holy shit,” Dean breathed, his voice and brain finally unsticking.  Cas smirks as he starts to rise and fall, rolling into Dean as he drops, his fingers digging into his chest to hold himself steady.  Dean just watches in awed admiration as Cas chews on his bottom lip, his face scrunched up in concentration as he rides Dean.  Dean's hips get back in the game, rising to meet Cas on his downward slide.

“ _Dean_!” Cas cries out his name as he hits his prostate, and the heat in it pulls at Dean, finally too much to ignore.  He starts meeting Cas with every thrust, his hands anchored on his hips, sweat dripping down his and Cas' bodies.  He feels the pressure building between them, and reaches out to take hold of Cas' erection, his hand sliding in time with their movements.  Cas' eyes lock onto his, his rhythm faltering slightly.

“It's okay, Cas,” Dean grunts, “it's okay, I got you.” Cas' whole body tenses as his eyes squeeze shut, and he lets out one long moan, covering Dean's hand and stomach with his release, freezing in place as his muscles spasm.  Dean's so close, he can feel his own climax just beneath the surface of his skin, but as Cas rides out his aftershocks, he's squeezing Dean tightly with his legs, and Dean can't move.  Once Cas' body relaxes, his eyes slide open again, and without hesitation, he begins to grind down hard against Dean, drawing curses from deep in Dean's chest.  His hand reaches out, wrapping around Dean's neck.

“Come on, babe, let it go,” he whispers, and Dean's gone, tumbling over his edge into oblivion, squeezing bruises onto Cas' hips. He continues to rock against Dean gently as he rides out his orgasm, and once he's through it Cas gingerly slides off him, laying down next to Dean on the bed with a goofy smile on his face.  Dean knows if he doesn't move now he'll fall asleep, so he slides out of bed on shaky legs, making his way to the bathroom to toss the condom and get something to clean up with.  He walks out and hands Cas a washcloth, walking back to the bathroom to wipe himself up and toss the cloth in the shower.  He walks back into the bedroom, stepping aside as Cas tosses his cloth towards the bathroom door.

“Watch it!” Dean chuckles, crawling back into bed.  

“Too tired to aim,” Cas mumbles.  He lays out on his back, totally spent, and Cas molds himself against Dean's side, pulling Dean's comforter up over them, his head resting on top of his tattoo.

“You're amazing, babe,” Cas breathes into his skin, his fingers tracing lazy circles against his sternum.  Dean kisses the top of his head, his fingers running over the curve of his back.

“You've got some moves, too,” he laughed. Cas giggled.

“That? That wasn't anything,” he teased.  If Dean wasn't so exhausted, he probably would have taken Cas again right then and there.  Instead, he settles for squeezing him close, burying his face in his hair and planting kisses along his forehead.

“Cas, I-” he starts, but catches himself. The words from earlier were back in his throat, nearly escaping him that time, and he knows Cas can hear the pounding in his chest.  Cas lifts his head, looking up at Dean with his shining blue eyes.

“What is it?” he asks softly.  Dean brushes his hair away from his eyes, swallowing down the surge of emotion running through him.

“I'm not sure,” he sighs. “All I know is that this, right here, right now, I don't want this to end.” Cas grins, leaning up to kiss Dean softly.

“It doesn't have to,” he smiles, “I'm not going anywhere, never again.”

They fall asleep, a tangled mess of limbs, and for the first time in his whole life, Dean is totally, completely, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it took the entire chapter, and yes, I got a bit flowery, but you know you like it ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading guys!! Dean and Cas get a bit of a break from all the hard stuff for a while, though I'm coming up with some devious angst for you in later chapters!! I should (in theory) have another update up in a few days!!
> 
> As always, comment, comment, comment!!


	18. Chasing Cars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, we're getting there. I have read and re read this chapter sooo many times, and while I'm not perfectly happy with it, it gets done what needed to get done. If I don't post it now it may never get posted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 18: Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiRa_DwalQc  
> We'll do it all  
> Everything  
> On our own  
> We don't need  
> Anything  
> Or anyone
> 
> If I lay here, if I just lay here  
> Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
> 
> I don't quite know  
> How to say  
> How I feel  
> Those three words  
> Are said too much  
> They're not enough
> 
> If I lay here, if I just lay here  
> Would you lie with me and just forget the world?  
> Forget what we're told  
> Before we get too old  
> Show me a garden that's bursting into life
> 
> Let's waste time  
> Chasing cars  
> Around our heads  
> I need your grace  
> To remind me  
> To find my own
> 
> If I lay here, if I just lay here  
> Would you lie with me and just forget the world?  
> Forget what we're told  
> Before we get too old  
> Show me a garden that's bursting into life
> 
> All that I am  
> All that I ever was  
> Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see  
> I don't know where  
> Confused about how as well  
> Just know that these things will never change for us at all
> 
> If I lay here  
> If I just lay here  
> Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

“Thursday, March 17, the day my life changes forever,” Dean grunts, staring at himself in the mirror.  Cas laughs at him from the bed.

“Dramatic, much?” he giggles.  Dean scowls at him.

“Don't laugh at me,” he mutters, pulling at his tie.  “Especially when you haven’t put on your own clothes yet.”  Cas just laughed again.  Charlie demanded everyone get dressed 'snazzy', as she put it, for her party.  Snazzy apparently meant slacks, vests, and ties for the gents, and Dean was already nervous enough without having to worry about what clothes he was wearing.  Cas helped him pick out his outfit, and apparently the green tie did something amazing to Dean's eyes, but all he knew was it was a _tie_.  

And then to top it all off, tonight was the night he and Cas decided to announce their relationship.

Cas walked into the bathroom, his shirt and vest hanging over his arm.  He sets them on the counter, fixing Dean's tie for him fondly.

“Relax, Dean. You don't have anything to worry about.” Cas pats him on the shoulder, and Dean scoots out of the way so Cas can get ready.  Dean watches him, smiling to himself as he unfolds his shirt he goes to pull it on, catching his reflection in the mirror.  His face falls ever so slightly, his fingers tracing the scars on his chest.  

“You okay?” Dean asks quietly.  Cas looks over at him and smiles.  

“Yeah, I’m good.”  He walks up and kisses Dean’s cheek.  “Just… seeing myself a little differently today.”  Dean smiles back, wrapping Cas in a quick hug.

“Come on, let’s get this over with.”  Dean walks away so Cas can get dressed, pulling at his tie again as he waits, starting to feel his nerves creeping up on him.  Cas walks out of the bathroom a short while later, and immediately fixes Dean’s tie again..  

“No matter what happens tonight, we’ll be okay,” Cas reaffirms.  Dean sighs and nods, leaning in for a kiss.  Cas was right, because regardless of what happened at Charlie's party that night, their bags were packed and in the Impala's trunk, and as soon as they left Charlie's they were on their way.  One week just for the two of them, no prying family, no work worries, no responsibility.  Dean grabbed his jacket and smiled..

“Let's go blow some minds,” he said warmly.  Cas grinned and followed him out the door, Dean locking it behind them and practically jogging to the car.  They made the short drive in a comfortable silence, and Dean didn't mind, he wanted the time to think.  They had left leaving a little late, just to make sure they were the last ones there.  Dean argued that it would be more embarrassing that way, but Cas pointed out that if everyone else was already there, they wouldn't have to go over it multiple times, and Dean grudgingly agreed.  The guest list included everyone Dean cared about telling anyway: Ellen and Jo, Sam and Jess, Charlie and Thia, Ash, Nick and his wife Sarah, Benny, and even Rufus said he'd show up briefly.  

Dean wasn't sure what to expect from his friends when it came to Cas.  He knew Sam and Charlie would be okay, but most everyone there hadn't really met Castiel, they only knew him how Dean had first known him, as a Novak.  Everyone at that party knew Bobby, and knew how Raphael had treated him, and Dean was worried they felt how he had once felt, and would treat Cas like crap because of it.

They pulled up to Charlie's, and the sight of everyone's cars sitting there in one place made Dean start shaking.  He parked and leaned forward, resting his head on the steering wheel, his breath getting caught in his throat.

“I can't- Cas I can't do this-” he gasped, his hand shaking where it rested on his knee.  He felt Cas scoot over on the seat towards him, his right hand folding over Dean's, his left rubbing circles over his back.

“Yes you can,” Cas said soothingly.

“No, I- I-” Cas rested his head on Dean's shoulder.

“Yes, you can. You know why? I'll be right there next to you.”

“But, Cas, you remember how I... The way I acted when I figured out who you were, what if they...” Dean's breathing was getting too fast, so Cas pulled him against his shoulder, humming softly, still stroking Dean's back.

“We don't have to do this tonight,” Cas' voice was gentle, washing over Dean. “We don't even have to walk into that apartment. Whatever you choose, I'm right here.” Dean's shaking stops after a minute or so, his breathing evening out as Cas soothes him.  He sighs, pulling back to give Cas a small smile.

“How do I even begin to deserve you?” Dean gives Cas' hand one final squeeze and climbs out of the Impala.  Cas follows him up the stairs, holding his hand the whole way, only letting go once they get to Charlie’s garishly decorated front door.  Dean sets his jaw, squaring off his shoulders, and knocks.  When the door opens he's almost blinded by the amount of green decorations before being bowled over by a head full of red hair.

“Dean!! You're finally here! We were just about finished with dinner, but I made them wait for you to get here before starting Cards Against Humanity.” She releases him from her hug eagerly looking behind him for his date she knew he was bringing, only to see Cas standing there sheepishly.

“Hello, Charlie,” he says quietly.

“Hey, Cas! I'm glad you could make it.” She scoops him up into a hug, before stepping inside and letting them in.  Cas steps past Dean, and he hears Thia welcoming him.  It makes sense if Charlie and Cas were good friends that Thia would know him, and knowing Cas has at least one more ally helps put Dean at ease a bit.  He moves to join the others, but Charlie grabs his arm in a vice like grip, making him stop.

“Charlie? What?” he asks.

“You know what.  Where's your date you were supposed to be introducing to me?” she asked, hands on her hips.  Dean glanced over at Cas, introductions were being made, and other than a small frown on Jo's face no one seemed to be too concerned about a Novak being at their party.  Ellen, Benny, and Ash seemed to know Cas already, and weren't put off by him being there at all, and Dean finally relaxed.

“Charlie, just- here, come with me.” He pulled his arm out of her grip and walked up into the living room.  He made some greetings himself, a hug for Ellen and Jess, handshakes with Benny and Nick.

“Look at you, Ash, managed to wear a tie and everything,” Dean said, clapping his friend on the shoulder.  Ash had a vest and tie on, yes, but he was wearing a tank top underneath them, and Dean knew this was about as dressed up as Ash got.

“Don’t act so surprised, I can clean up nicely when I want,” he scoffed, earning some laughs from the room and a shove from Rufus.

“Dean? Charlie had us all pumped up, telling us you were supposed to be bringing some hot date with you tonight.  Did stories about your crazy friends scare them off?” Jess teased from next to Sam.  Dean had made his way around the room so he was standing next to Cas again.  This was it, he could feel every pair of eyes in the room on him, but only one stood out.  Cas was watching him, waiting to see what Dean would say, and ready to follow his lead.  He focused in on Cas' eyes.

“Cas doesn't seem to be scared by you guys, though that may just be naivete on his part.” The room goes still, the background noise of 'Leprechaun' on the TV the only sound in the whole apartment. “Cas is my date, guys," he adds, in case some people are too shocked to get his cryptic answer.  A smile spreads across Cas' face, and he rests his hand on the small of Dean's back, the touch helping keep him calm.  Some looks are exchanged between Ellen and Sam, and Jo’s frown deepens, but other than that there’s hardly any movement, and Dean's cheeks start glowing red. “Come on, guys, say something,” he mutters.  Sam is the first to move, walking over to Cas and offering his hand.

“So you're the reason Dean finally sobered up,” he said calmly.  Cas shrugged, shaking Sam’s hand hesitantly.

“I didn't do all that much, he did it-” he cut off mid explanation when Charlie leaped up on his back, wrapping him in a hug.

“YOU GUYS!!!” She squealed, laughing hysterically.  That broke the tension in the room, and everyone seemed to relax again.  Jess walked up and offered her congratulations, moving away with Sam as Ellen walked up, handing Dean a plate of food.  She eyed Dean with her 'mom' face.

“You're dating a Novak, is that right?” she asked.  Dean swallowed hard.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Hmm...” she eyed Cas up and down, and Cas squirmed a bit under her stare. “Never thought my boy would catch someone that fancy,” she said finally, a smile pulling at her lips.  Dean relaxed, letting his breath out in a huff.

“Thanks, El.” He wrapped her up in a hug.

“Hey, as long as you're happy, I'm happy.” She pat his cheek.  Dean looked up to see Jo leaving the room, but before he could go after her, Rufus was standing there, offering his hand.

“I'm headed home, Dean.” Dean shook his hand.

“Well, at least I got here before you left. You'll be okay at the shop with me gone for a week?” Dean asked.  Rufus raised an eyebrow.

“You know, you have an inflated view of self importance.” he said.  He leaned in close to Dean. “Just be careful. I don't pretend to know this Castiel, but I know his family. You keep an eye out for yourself.”  Before Dean could respond Rufus was walking out the door.

Dean walked towards the back room to follow Jo, but Sam got to him before he could make it.

“So, you and a Novak. Hardly saw that coming.” His arms were crossed over his chest, but his tone was warm.  Dean shrugged.

“You didn't see me being bi either, so that's 0 and 2 for you,” he quipped, moving past Sam impatiently.

“Dean, where-?” Sam turned, a frown on his face at being cut off.  Dean mouthed 'Jo' to him and left his brother there confused.  He made his way into the back bedroom, and found Jo standing there, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Jo?” he asked cautiously.  She turned to him and smacked him, his cheek stinging before he even realized why.

“How could you?” she hissed, tears shining in her eyes.  Dean blinked, setting his plate down on a dresser.

“Cas isn't-”

“He's a Novak! You know what his brother did to Bobby, what he did to my dad.” Dean's warm bubble from Ellen and Sam's acceptance popped, his stomach sinking.

“Cas is different, he's not like his brothers.”

“But they're his _family_.” She runs a hand through her blonde waves in agitation. “My dad was driven out of work because of Raphael. He was made to feel like a lesser man, and he left us because of it. He left us and I haven't seen him in two years because of that bastard's brother.”

“Hey!” Dean said, stepping up to defend Cas.  “Jo, just listen for a second-”

“How could you do that to Bobby? Be with _him_ after what happened? You should be ashamed, Dean.”

“C'mon, don't be like this,” he pleaded. She scoffed.

“Sooner or later you're going to have to deal with those sons of bitches. They're his family and they're not going away.  And maybe then you'll realize I was right.”  He reaches out for her arm but she smacks his hand away.  “Don’t touch me,” she hissed.

“Jo, please, just get to know him-” he begins, but she pushes past him to storm from the room.

“Go to hell,” she snaps on her way by.  Dean just stands there dumbfounded.  Yeah, he had expected some grief over being with Cas, but not from Jo, and certainly not as strong as it was.  Through the open bedroom door he caught a glimpse of Cas, munching on something, smiling and talking with Sarah and Thia, totally oblivious to Dean's worry.  He tried to brush off what Jo had said, but found he couldn't.  She was right, Cas' family were just that, his family.  They weren't going away, and eventually Dean would have to come to terms with that.  He heard Cas laugh, and clung to it, that happy sound, pushing what Jo said to him out of his mind for now.

He grabbed his plate, taking a few bites of the mini pizzas Charlie had made, and walked back out into the main room, taking a cup of non-alcoholic punch from Charlie.

“So you and Cas, huh?” she said with a smile as he took a drink.   _How many times am I going to be asked that?_ he wondered.  He watched Cas tilt his head as Sam explained how to play Cards Against Humanity.

“Me and Cas.” Dean agreed.

“Explains a lot, why you were both dodging questions about who you were dating, why when he left on a family trip you imploded...”

“Look, Charlie, about that-”

“It's done, you're back.  No need to dwell on it,” she said, holding up her hand to stop his explanation.  He gave her a small smile, wrapping an arm around her and squeezing.

“Listen, did you see Jo leave?” he asked quietly.  She nodded.

“Said she got a call from a friend, needed a ride home from the bar. Why?”

“Just wondering where she got to,” Dean said casually.  Charlie opened her mouth to say something else but was cut off.

“You guys coming or what?” Ash called.  Dean looked up and met Cas' eyes, his boyfriend's face practically glowing.  Dean hitched his smile back up on his face, determined not to ruin Cas' night.  They were going to have a week for Dean to get this all off his chest, he wanted one night before digging into his worries about Cas' family.

“Yeah, we're coming.”  Dean walked over, dropping onto the floor next to Cas, sitting close enough to feel his warmth, but still far enough away they weren't touching.  It was one thing to come out to your family and friends, it was another to rub it in their faces.  He set his plate on the coffee table in front of him with his cup.

“I'm not sure I'll be any good at this game,” Cas said as Sam started dealing out the cards.  Dean shrugged.

“You never know, Cas. It all depends on who's turn it is to read the black card.” Cas nodded, his brow furrowing as he picked up his cards.

“That's just... inappropriate,” he muttered, looking through them.  Dean laughed.

“Cas, that's the point.” he sighed, nudging him with an elbow.

 

Turns out, Cas won the game by a landslide.  It seemed that his 'lack of understanding' led to some hilarious answers.  After the game, Nick and Sarah left for home and Ash left for another party.  Dean didn't begrudge him that, Ash was quite the party goer, and St. Patrick's Day was a day to get drunk.  Thia excused herself for bed as well shortly after Ash left.  She was used to working the graveyard shift at the hospital, and Charlie had woken her up that morning to help get the party together, which she loudly complained about as she walked towards the bedroom.

“It was 9am, hardly what I'd call early.” Charlie shouted back. “And now I have to clean up all by myself.” she muttered, looking around her apartment.

“I'll help,” Cas volunteered, standing up from the couch.  Charlie's face brightened.

“Really, Cas? Thank you so much!” They picked up some cups and plates and made their way out to the kitchen, chatting animatedly about something.  Dean watched them go with a smile before he picked himself up off the floor, sliding onto the couch next to Ellen.

“It's good to see you like this, Dean,” she said.

“Like what?” he asked.

“Happy, and sober.  It looks good on you.”

“Thanks, El,” Dean said softly, blushing.

“She's not wrong, Dean,” Sam said from the other couch.

“Okay, don't gang up on me, that's not fair,” he muttered, his ears burning.  Ellen reached over, giving his hand a warm squeeze.

“I just wish your Daddy could see you now,” she nodded at Sam. “Both you boys.” Dean swallowed hard.

“You really think he'd be okay with this?” Dean muttered, pointing towards the kitchen. Ellen gave him a measured look.

“I’m with Dean on this one, Ellen,” Sam spoke up.  “Dad wasn’t the understanding type.”  Dean could hear the harsh tones in his brother’s voice, and tried not to let his mind wander down that road.

“Your Daddy was a lot of things,” Ellen said, looking between the two boys.  “He was hard, he was stubborn, but he was your Dad.  In the end, all he ever wanted was for you to be okay.” She didn't really answer Dean's question, but Dean had enough on his mind already without adding John Winchester into the mix.  He glanced at his watch, it was coming up on 10:15, Dean had wanted to get on the road no later than 10.

“I think we're going to head out,” Dean sighed, standing. “We've got a long drive ahead of us, I want to get some miles on before we stop for the night.”

“You make sure to text when you stop, just let us know you're okay,” Ellen said, standing to wrap him in a hug.

“I'll make sure,” Cas said from behind Dean.  He wondered how much of the previous conversation Cas had heard, but when Cas' eyes met his, their warmth pushed the worry from Dean's mind.  They said their goodbyes to everyone, but as Dean stepped out of the apartment, Ellen stopped Cas for a quick word.  Dean couldn't make out what they were saying, but the look on Cas' face as he walked up to the car was full of warmth.

“What'd she say?” Dean asked as Cas climbed into the car.  He shrugged.

“Nothing much, just to take care of you.” Dean started the car, trying to ignore the surge of warm feelings spreading through his body.

“Good luck with that,” he joked instead, as they turned towards the interstate.

 

Dean had every intention of making the whole drive that night, but after four hours his eyes were starting to grow heavy, and he was having difficulty focusing on the road.

“C'mon, let's pull over somewhere,” Cas said through a yawn.  Dean checked the mile marker when they drove past and groaned.

“We're out in the middle of nowhere, there's no place to pull over just yet,” he sighed, shaking his head vigorously. “I've got a few more miles left.” He felt Cas' hand on his arm, the map open in his lap.

“Won't be much of a trip if you kill us.  There's an access road just up ahead, pull off there.” Sure enough, the road came into view and Dean pulled off, driving a few hundred feet to wind up in a large open space behind the trees.

“Looks like they were going to build something here,” he said, glancing around the expanse of cleared trees.  The grass had started to grow over the dirt again, and some discarded building materials sat in a pile off in the far corner.  It wasn’t ideal but it would have to do, Cas was right, Dean couldn’t drive any further without falling asleep. “We just need a few hours shut eye, then we'll be able to make the last leg first thing,” he said, climbing out of the car.  It was still a bit chilly out at night, though spring was definitely starting to catch them up.  He stretched out his legs, and noticed Cas had climbed out of the car to do the same.

“Front seat or back seat?” he asked, thinking they were going to sleep in the car.  Dean walked around to the trunk of the Impala, pulling out two sleeping bags and a blanket.

“Neither?” he said with a smile.  Cas tilted his head in confusion as Dean walked around to the front of the car.  He placed his hand gently on the hood, thankful the chill in the air was already cooling the metal.  He unzipped them completely and placed the sleeping bags across the hood of the car, one on top of the other, and heard a small laugh as Cas figured out what he was planning.

“Really, Dean?”

“It's just for a couple hours, right? The engine will keep us warm, and the sky’s too beautiful to not appreciate it.” Cas came up behind him as he unfolded the blanket, wrapping his arms around his middle.

“You know, for someone who claims to 'not' be a romantic sucker...” Cas chuckles into his shoulders.  Dean wiggles out of his grip and climbs up onto Baby, Cas following behind him.  Dean scoots so he's resting against the Impala's wind shield, and Cas cuddles up to him as he wraps them in the blanket.

“I had a good night,” Dean breathes.  Cas nodded, his hair tickling against Dean's chin.

“Me too, your family is... well, very different from mine.” Dean's chest tightens at the memory of Jo storming out on him.

“Yeah,” Dean sighs absently.  Cas' head shifts so he's looking up at Dean.

“Something's been on your mind.” It wasn't a question.  Dean tightens his grip on Cas.

“It's just... tonight reminded me of something I hadn't thought about since...” His breath comes out in a huff as he knocks his head against the car gently.  He didn't want to ruin their week by starting with a talk about heavy crap, he didn't want his fear to bring Cas' day down.

“Dean?” Cas' voice is cautious.

“I've never... being with you, Cas, there's just something that I- I can't imagine this ever stopping.” He's not getting the words out the way they sound in his head, and he's not even sure Cas understands what he's trying to say, but he presses on. “Someday, we'll have to deal with your family, and I... I just don't want to lose you to them.” Cas sits up, frowning down at Dean.

“What are you talking about?” he asks quietly.  Dean scrubs a hand over his face, trying to figure the words out.

“I don't ever want this to end, this between us.  But I know your brothers probably won't approve of me being with you, and I-I don't want you to have to-” he's cut off by Cas' lips covering his own.

“Dean, my brothers can fuck off.  I want to be with you, I need to be with you.  If they have a problem they can either deal or leave me alone.” There's strength behind Cas' words.

“But they're your family, Cas.” Dean objects.  "I don't want to make you choose."  Cas kisses him quiet again.

“We have a week together, Dean.  Just us, no family problems, no work, nothing else in this world but us.” His fingers find Dean's and squeeze them tightly.  “We don't have to worry about this right now.  Hell, my brothers see me so little, we may not have to deal with this for a long time.  What we have to deal with right now is us.” He snuggles back into Dean, curling against him tightly.

“Just you and me,” Dean sighs, kissing the top of his head, finally giving in to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, this chapter wasn't the greatest. I'll try to get another one up quickly to make up for it!! Comments are life you guys!! <3


	19. Brand New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, 1100 reads already!?! Thank you SOOOO much!!
> 
> Sorry this chapter took a while, I meant to post it a couple days ago, but I was being a horrible friend and needed to finish editing a friend's story for her, so I put this to the side for a little while. 
> 
> Enjoy the fluff!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 19: Brand New Day- Sting  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCPNs1hjYts  
> How many of you people out there  
> Been hurt in some kind of love affair  
> And how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?  
> How many lonely, sleepless nights  
> How many lies, how many fights  
> And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?  
> "Love is pain," I hear you say  
> Love has a cruel and bitter way  
> Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain  
> How could it be that what you need the most  
> Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?  
> You never want to feel so sad and lost again
> 
> One day you could be looking  
> Through an old book in rainy weather  
> You see a picture of her smiling at you  
> When you were still together  
> You could be walking down the street  
> And who should you chance to meet  
> But that same old smile that you've been thinking of all day
> 
> You can turn the clock to zero, honey, I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money  
> We're starting up a brand new day  
> Turn the clock all the way back, I wonder if she'll take me back  
> I'm thinking in a brand new way  
> Turn the clock to zero, sister you'll never know how much I missed her  
> Starting up a brand new day  
> Turn the clock to zero, boss, the river's wide, we'll swim across  
> Started up a brand new day
> 
> It could happen to you - just like it happened to me  
> There's simply no immunity - there's no guarantee  
> I say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it  
> And sometimes no reflection is there  
> Baby wait a minute, wait a minute  
> Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute
> 
> Turn the clock to zero, honey, I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money  
> We're starting up a brand new day  
> Turn the clock to zero, Mac, I'm begging her to take me back  
> I'm thinking in a brand new way  
> Turn the clock to zero, boss, the river's wide, we'll swim across  
> Started up a brand new day  
> Turn the clock to zero buddy, don't wanna be no fuddy duddy  
> Started up a brand new day
> 
> I'm the rhythm in your tune, I'm the sun and you're the moon  
> I'm a bat and you're the cave, you're the beach and I'm the wave  
> I’m the plow and you’re the land, you're the glove and I'm the hand  
> I'm the train and you're the station, I'm a flagpole to your nation - yeah
> 
> [Second Chorus]  
> Stand up all you lovers in the world  
> Stand up and be counted every boy and every girl  
> Stand up all you lovers in the world  
> Starting up a brand new day
> 
> I'm the present to your future, you're the wound and I’m the suture  
> You're the magnet to my pole, I'm the devil in your soul  
> You're the pupil I'm the teacher, you're the church and I'm the preacher  
> You're the flower I'm the rain, you're the tunnel I'm the train
> 
> [Second Chorus]
> 
> You're the crop to my rotation, you're the sum of my equation  
> I'm the answer to your question, if you follow my suggestion  
> We can turn this ship around, We'll go up instead of down  
> You're the pan and I'm the handle, you're the flame and I'm the candle
> 
> [Second Chorus]

The moment Dean wakes up he regrets his romantic gesture from the night before. He groans, reaching for Cas and finding he wasn't there. He sat up, turning to look inside the car and saw Cas sitting in the passenger seat, typing away on his cell phone. He notices Dean is moving and looks up with an excited smile, climbing out of the car and sliding his phone in his pocket.

“You're awake!” he says, leaning in and kissing his forehead.

“How long were we out?” Dean grumbles as he slides off Baby. His tailbone is sore from sitting on the hood of the car, and he has to do some stretches before even considering rolling up the sleeping bags. His back is going to be in bad shape.

“I was out about four hours, but you've been out for six.” Cas says, looking at his watch.

“Six?” Dean curses himself, bundling up the sleeping bags and tossing them in the trunk.  They'd wasted two whole hours because of him.

“It's alright, I was looking up some stuff to do while you were out, I think I've managed to draw up an itinerary for us.” He was so excited Dean couldn't help but smile.

“Alright, then, let's get going.  We still have almost two hours to go.” He goes into their bag, digging out some mouthwash and swishing it around, offering the bottle to Cas as he spits it on the ground.  He swished and spit also, climbing back in the car as Dean slid into the driver's seat.  He started the car, pulling them back out onto the highway for the last leg of their trip.

They've been on the road for about 45 minutes when Cas finally says something.

“Hey, Dean?” he says quietly.

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I uh, while you were sleeping I booked us a hotel.” Why did Cas sound so nervous? He stole a glance at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Thanks, Cas, saves us some time.  But why do you sound anxious about it?”

“Well, you have this thing about taking care of people, and I'm okay with that, but this way just makes the most sense. I don't want -”

“Cas, just spit it out,” Dean said with a smile.  He hears a huff of breath next to him.

“I have money, Dean. I'm not trying to brag, but I do, and I've never had anyone to spend it on before now.  So let me take care of the hotel, okay?”

“I take it this hotel is a little more than what I had budgeted for?” Dean sighs.  He glances at Cas and sees his face fall.

“I know this week will be special, regardless of where we stay, but I just...” Dean drapes his arm across the seat, his hand resting on the back of Cas' neck.

“Hey, Cas. It's okay.” He's watching the road, but he smiles anyway, knowing Cas is probably watching him. “If you want to spoil us, spoil us. I'll just have to get over myself.” He feels Cas lean forward out of his touch and there's a pair of lips pressing into his temple.

“Thank you, Dean.” He says warmly.

By the time they've finished their drive and have pulled up to the Hilton where Cas had rented their room, Dean is _deeply_ regretting sleeping on the car.  He's more stiff than he can remember ever being, and knows he's going to need a long shower to work the kinks out.  He had planned on doing something that afternoon but at the rate his muscles were stiffening he wouldn't be able to walk.  Cas grabbed both of their suitcases, and before Dean could object he was already rolling up to the hotel.  Dean grabbed the beach bag with their swimsuits and followed him, shooting Sam and Ellen each a quick one handed text, letting them know they’d arrived.

As Cas checked them in, Dean's gaze wandered the lobby in appreciation.  This was much nicer than what he usually could afford, but like he told Cas, he'd just have to get over his discomfort.  Cas did have quite a bit of money, it would be nice to let someone else pay for a change.

“Dean?” Cas called from the desk.  Dean wandered up, frowning because Cas looked downright frightened.

“What is it?” he asked cautiously.

“They only do valet parking here,” Cas mumbled.  Dean blinked. _Oh, hell. Okay Winchester, suck it up_.  He cleared his throat, looking around for the valet who'd be taking his car. It was a kid, probably not even done with college yet.  Dean waved him over, pulling the keys out of his pocket.

“What's your name?”

“Chris,” the kid said.  Dean's face hardened, and the kid's eyes widened.  He pointed at Baby.

“You see that car Chris?”

“Yes, sir...” Dean puffed up, trying Cas' face behind the kid.  He was trying not to laugh at Dean and keep a straight face, but wasn’t doing the best job.

“If so much as one grain of dirt is out of place when I get her back, I will find you, and I will end you.” Dean said menacingly.  Chris swallowed visibly, looking from the Dean to the front desk staff, who seemed just as scared as he did.

“I understand, sir.” Chris nodded vigorously.  Dean smiled, dropping the keys in his hand.

“Remember, one speck of dirt...” he said again.  Cas gave him a nudge with his elbow as he reached around to tip the kid.  Dean kept his frown on his face until he made it to the elevator, Cas catching him up, both keeping their composure until the doors slid shut.  The moment they did he and Cas burst into fits of giggles, Cas at Dean and Dean at himself.

“I think you might have given the poor guy a heart attack.” Cas pointed out with a grin on his face.

“I take Baby's safety very seriously,” Dean pointed out. “Even Sam hardly gets to drive that car.”

“He’s what, 19?  Give the poor kid a break,” Cas sighed, nudging Dean with his elbow.  The elevator opened and Cas walked them down to their room.  When the door opened, Dean felt his jaw drop at the sight.  This was the nicest place he’d ever stayed in his long history of road trips.  There was a giant king sized bed taking up most of the room, with a large HD TV across from it, and the curtains were open to show they had a private balcony looking over the Mantazanas River.

“Holy… Cas this place is…” Dean dropped the beach bag on the floor, walking to the window and looking out at the water.  "This is _beautiful_.”  He heard Cas chuckle behind him, and felt his hands on his shoulders.

“You totally missed the best part,” he laughed, turning Dean gently.  Nestled in a corner right by one of the windows, was a huge jacuzzi bathtub.  Dean groaned, his libido getting quite excited.

“I know I said to spoil us, but this…” Dean gestured around the room, his words failing him.  Cas grinned, moving in close and kissing him hard before pulling back just as quickly.

“I’m going to head down to concierge and get our tickets for the museums and tours.  I’m thinking if we do at least two or three a day we should be able to get through all the major tourist things.”  Cas grabs his room key and goes to leave, but Dean grabs his wrist.

“We don’t have to do everything, Cas.  We can just figure this out as we go.”  Dean said with an easy smile.  He had been here enough times, he knew the things he wanted Cas to see, and was in no hurry otherwise.  Cas’ face fell slightly, pulling the smile off of Dean’s face.

“I just want to make the most of this trip.  I’ve never been here, and I don’t know when we’ll get a chance to come back…” Dean blinked.  Man, did he feel like an ass.  He’d assumed Cas had been, he’d never asked.  

“Hey, sorry, I didn’t- I just assumed- Everyone usually comes here on a school trip at some point or another, I just figured...”  He pulled Cas to him, wrapping him up in a hug.  “You go book as many tours as you want, Cas.”  Cas leaned into him for a kiss but as Dean’s back bent into the gesture, he gasped in pain as a spasm ran through his lower back.  He grimaced, his hand moving to try and massage the offending muscle.

“Sorry!  You okay?” Cas asked, letting go of him immediately.

“Sleeping on the car was a bad idea,” Dean groaned.  Cas laughed.

“But it was adorably romantic,” Cas said as he helped Dean lower himself onto the edge of  the bed.  “I can go to concierge tomorrow.  Let’s get you feeling better, yeah?”  Dean winced.

“I’m fine, you go, Cas.  I just need to sit for a minute.”  Dean tried putting on a smile but Cas leaned in and kissed it off him.

“Nice try.  Remember what I said about you having a need to take care of people?  Let me take care of you, okay?  Just this once?”  Dean sighed, defeated.  There was nothing he would deny Cas, and he knew it.

“Alright,” he sighed.  Cas made his way to the jacuzzi bath, running the water until he was satisfied with the temperature, then putting down the stopper and letting it fill.  He walked over to Dean, bending to remove his shoes and socks, before standing and pulling his flannel off his shoulders.  Dean leans in to steal a kiss, and winces again.  

“Yeah, take it easy, tiger,” Cas smirks.  Dean whines, actually whines, because as much as he knows this isn’t a sex thing, mostly because his back wouldn’t let it be, Cas slowly stripping him down is starting to get to him.  He helped Dean up and walks him over to the tub, lowering him down slowly into the hot water.  Once Dean’s in the tub he turns on the jets, setting a towel behind Dean to support his head and pouring in some sweet smelling bath soap.

"Just relax, okay?" Cas soothed, kissing Dean's forehead.  There were a couple jets right up against his lower back, massaging away the stiffness, and he groaned deeply.

"This is _awesome_ ," Dean felt his eyes slide shut, losing himself in the wonderful feeling.  He hears Cas moving around the room, unpacking their bathroom bags and their clothes.  They were planning on being there for a few days, Dean didn't blame him for not wanting to live out of a suitcase.  Dean nestled deeper into the warm water, sighing in contentment.   

After a while, Dean was in that fuzzy place, halfway between being awake and being asleep.  He was rolled on his side a while ago, and gentle hands were running over his back, fingers digging into his shoulders, releasing the tenseness in his muscles with even motions.  Dean can feel the knots in his back giving way to the talented fingers, and he felt weightless, even more so as the same hands easily rolled him so they could work on his chest and upper arms.  He sighed happily as the hands continued the massage down his right arm, lingering every few inches to work the muscles, before ending with his hand.  They switched arms, repeating the process with equal dedication.

He was slowly waking up, but he kept his eyes closed to fight it for as long as possible.  Even when the hands slid down under the warm water and started to massage his left thigh, he clung to sleep.  The hands pushed and pulled at his muscles, working them till they were soft, then slid down to his calf.  In spite of his struggle not to be, Dean was quite aroused at this point, but as the hands worked their way down his right thigh, he couldn't seem to care.

Finally, as the hands slowed on his right calf, now that every part of his body was practically goo, Dean opens his eyes.  Cas was sitting across from him in the bath, a calm concentration on his face as his fingers finish the last set of muscles.  The jets had been turned off, but Cas must have run more hot water because the bath was still warm.  Cas didn't realize he was being watched until Dean wiggled his toes, digging them into his side where his left foot was resting.

"You are too fucking amazing," Dean said hoarsely, his voice apparently still sleeping.  Cas smiled, setting Dean's leg down and sliding through the water towards him.  He was kneeling between Dean's thighs, his hands resting on either side of Dean's hips as he leaned in for a soft kiss.

"I've been told that before," Cas teased quietly, leaning his forehead against Dean's.  Dean began to wonder if Cas was really that oblivious to how hard he'd made him until his hand ran down the line of his hip, dipping into his inner thigh.  Dean hummed softly.  "You want me to help with this?" Cas cooed into his ear.  Dean couldn't speak, couldn't even move, he just nodded.

Cas wrapped his hand around Dean gently, working up and down his shaft smoothly.  His movements were practiced, and Dean was in no mood to fight off the release starting to build within him.  Every twist of Cas' wrist was sending warm pulses through Dean's nerves, and Dean gave in to the feeling, seeking the release of the last tension in his body.  Cas dipped his head to nuzzle against Dean's neck, trailing soft kisses along his jaw.

"Cas, baby-" Dean moaned, already feeling the pleasure spikeing in his gut.

"It's okay, babe, I got you," he purred, and Dean came, unable to find it in him to care about how little time it took for Cas to satisfy him.  He was well and truly putty in Cas' hands.  Cas kisses him a few times, chaste and gentle, before climbing out of the water.  He reaches down, undoing the stopper on the tub.

"Don't wanna," Dean whined.  Cas laughed, grabbing a towel and drying himself off.

"You need to, you're turning into a prune."  He finished drying and got some underwear and pants on, leaving his shirt off and walking back to the tub.  He bent and offered Dean his hands, and Dean managed to lift himself up to the edge of the tub with Cas' help.  Cas grabbed a towel and dried Dean off, helping him stand and shuffle to the bed, where the covers had already been turned down.  Dean collapsed willingly, snuggling into the thick blankets and feather pillows with a sigh.  He immediately started to drift off to sleep, vaguely aware of Cas leaning in and kissing his forehead.

 

Dean wakes to the smell of food.  He stretches, feeling the most relaxed he's ever felt.  He sits up to see Cas setting out two trays of food on their little table.  He's got a light blue, long sleeve button up shirt on, and Dean decided he's going to make sure he wears blue more often.

"Good, you're up.  I figured you must be starving, so I ordered some room service."  Cas said, uncovering what appeared to be some sort of chicken and pasta dish, and a steak and pasta dish.  "You can pick which one you want," he added, setting out the silverware.  Dean just shakes his head, and Cas' smile fades.  "I can order something else if you don't want this..." he said cautiously.  

"No- that's- I know I said to spoil me, Cas, but really?  Room service?"  He swings his legs out of bed, standing slowly to get his feet underneath him.  His back doesn’t give him any trouble, much to his delight, and he silently praises Cas’ magic fingers.  He pulls on some pajamas and walks over to Cas, wrapping his arms around him tightly.  

"I just thought it would be faster,” Cas was saying, “If we hurry there'll be time to go to the Castillo de San Marcos," he muttered, blushing, glancing at the clock.  Dean kissed him and sat, pulling the steak dish towards him.

“Yes, sir,” Dean says, digging in with gusto.

 

They spent the next two hours exploring every section of the Castillo, Cas producing a camera and taking about two hundred pictures of both the sights and the two of them.  Cas’ eyes were wide in excitement, and he kept pointing out all the signs and stories on the displays to Dean like a child.  Dean just grinned at him the whole time, amazed at how innocent Cas seemed.  No one would know, looking at Cas’ wide eyes and Dean’s silly smile, just how hard their lives had been, and it made Dean’s heart soar that they’d found each other.  That they could still be happy even after all they’d been through.

When they reached the top of the Castillo, Cas held up his arm to point out across the river at something, and Dean noticed the bottom end of his tattoo sticking out of his sleeve.  It truly was a miracle that Cas was even here with him, and that sobered Dean slightly.  

“Beautiful,” Dean breathed, the grin fading into something more reverent.  Cas turned, thinking Dean was talking about the view.

“It really is,” he said smiling, but it faded slightly when he saw the look on Dean’s face.  “You okay?” he asked.  Dean wiped viciously at the moisture in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he said gruffly, turning towards the stairs.  “C’mon, it’s closing time, they’re going to kick us out.”  He made it a few steps before Cas caught up to him, slipping a hand in Dean’s for a quick squeeze before they walk downstairs.

“What do you want to do for dinner?” he asked.  Dean shrugged.

“Let’s just walk till we find a place.  I’m not picky.”  Cas smiled in agreement and they started walking down along the river, not saying much, but not needing to.  They found a hole in the wall restaurant just off the water and walked in.  Dean immediately felt at home, the pub feel and relaxed atmosphere like so many other places he's found himself in over the years.  He picks up a menu and starts looking it over.

"Hey, ya'll. Two?" A hostess asks as she walks up.  Dean gives her a charming smile, out of habit more than anything.

"Sure thing."

"Bar or general seating?"

"General seating," Cas chimes in.  She walks them to a table and walks off, a bounce in her step and a swing in her hips surely meant to be enticing.  Dean grabs the menu, glancing down their selection of pub food, smiling at the familiar greasy food.  Cas huffs and Dean looks up from the menu.

"You okay, Cas?"  He asks, realizing this may not be the type of place he would eat.  "We don't have to eat here..."

"It's fine."  He shifts in his seat, glancing around and Dean knows something is up.

"Hey, what is it?" Dean asks again.

"I'm just... I don't usually go to places like this," he muttered, blushing.  "Kevin usually just brings me my food, for the most part."

“You sure you want to eat here?” Dean asks again.

“It’s fine, Dean.  You obviously like it here, I saw that the moment we walked in,” Cas had a half smile on his face.

"These kinds of places, they were my home away from home,” he sighed, smiling.  “Relax, enjoy life with the common folk," Dean teased with a wink, and Cas flushed.

"Hey, ya'll.  I'm Sandy, I'll be your server tonight, can I get you started with something to drink?"  This girl was even more bouncy, and wearing even less clothes.  It was surreal to Dean that the brush of Cas’ foot against his under the table was more enticing than the blonde standing next to him.

"I'll have a sweet tea," Dean says with a smile.  Cas orders a Coke, and she bounces off.  Cas frowns and Dean sighs.

"Okay, what is it?" he says.  “Something’s up with you.”  Cas picks at the corner of his menu, hanging his head and mumbling something.  "What?"

"They're flirting with you," he said a little louder.  Dean couldn't help himself, he laughed.  Cas frowned at him.

"I don't see how this is funny," he muttered.  Dean leaned over the table, grabbing Cas' hand.

"Cas, they’re waitresses, it’s just what they do."  Cas blushed, as Sandy bounced up with their drinks.

"Have you decided what you'll be having?" She asked pleasantly, eyeing Dean closely.  Dean smirked, _two can play at that game._

"I'm ready, what about you babe?" Dean asked, making eyes at Cas.  Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean, dropping his eyes to the menu before ordering.

"I'll have the bacon cheeseburger," he said.

"Same," Dean said handing their menus to the waitress without taking his eyes off Cas.  She walked away with a little less bounce, and Cas kicked Dean under the table.

"You don't have to be an ass," he muttered.  Dean pouted at him.  

"Well make up your mind," Dean whined.  Cas squinted at him, obviously annoyed, and Dean decided to push his luck. "You know, you're sexy when you make that face," he said with a wink.  For the next ten minutes, Cas struggled to keep a straight face, Dean constantly making suggestive faces at him.  Finally, as Sandy arrived with their food, he broke, giggling at Dean.

"Alright, you win, you son of a bitch," he sighed after she walked away.  "I just... I've never had someone to be jealous over before."  Dean like the sound of that.

"Hey, you don't have to worry about that, okay?"  Dean said, chewing on a fry.  "Unless, you know, you want someone to join us..."  Cas nearly spit Coke all over Dean, who laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair.

"Not funny," Cas muttered, his face scarlet.

 

The rest of their dinner was uneventful, and after Dean paid, leaving a generous tip at Cas' insistence, they slowly walked back to their hotel, enjoying the evening breeze off the water.   Dean started feeling guilty about how he acted at dinner, realizing belatedly he shouldn’t have treated the reaction Cas had to the flirting so callously.  He really starts to feel like a jackass when he thinks about how _wonderful_ Cas was that afternoon, with the bath and massage.  Not only is Dean just now realizing Cas didn’t get his ‘happy ending’, he repaid him by acting like a total jerk.  His good mood that he’d been carrying around since the massage deflates.  He waits till they’re back in their hotel room, leaning against the door after it shut behind him.

"Sorry about dinner," he apologized as Cas toed off his shoes and emptied his pockets, “I was out of line.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Cas said softly, but Dean could tell it was.  He tilted his head back against the door, his gaze turned up to the ceiling.  

“It is a big deal.”  Dean shoved his hands in his pockets.  “I was rude to the waitress, I embarrassed the crap out of you and her.  And I sort of stomped all over your feelings.”

“Okay, yes, you were rather rude to the waitress, but that’s why I made you leave the size tip you did.”  Cas’ voice sounds calm, but Dean won’t give it up.

“Cas, come on, I was an ass.  You had a perfectly normal reaction when those girls were flirting with me, and I totally threw it in your face.  And after you did something so amazing for me… I’m sorry, babe.”  It’s quiet for so long Dean eventually looks down.  He sees Cas sitting on the edge of the bed, looking thoughtfully at the carpet.

“I’ve known Charlie for a while, and she always talks about you and Sam,” he finally said.  Dean frowns slightly, wondering where this was coming from, or where it was going.  “Just as conversation sometimes, not like she was keeping me updated with your lives on purpose, but she loves you guys and since you’re her adopted family, it came up a lot.  The way she talked about you Dean, about your cavalier approach to sex…I guess when I saw how those girls were trying to get your attention, it made me wonder, if you hadn’t met me, how quickly you’d have gone home with them.”  Dean walked over and sat next to Cas.

“I was pretty free with my sex life, key word: was.”  Dean ran a hand over Cas’ back.  “And that’s all it was, sex.  Just a release.  The way I feel about you… there’s nothing anyone else could do or say to me to pull me away from you.  I will always come back to you, every time.”  Cas leans on Dean’s shoulder.

“I know,” he sighed.  Dean pressed a kiss to the top of his head, still running his hand soothingly over Cas’ back.

“So, we good?” Dean asked quietly.  Cas nodded, raising his gaze to Dean’s.

“We’re good,” he said, leaning in and kissing him chastely.  Dean wrapped him up in a hug.  Cas stifled a yawn, and Dean had to admit he was pretty tired too, in spite of his short nap that afternoon.

“I second that motion,” Dean said.  “I know it’s only 8pm but I’m beat.  I must be getting old.”

“We’ll be able to get an early start tomorrow, old man.” Cas mumbled, snuggling closer to Dean.  Dean laughed, and ran his fingers over Cas’ back.

“You know, I never properly thanked you for this afternoon,” Dean said casually.  He felt Cas smile against his shoulder.

“I wanted to take care of you, I didn’t mind.”

“Yeah, but you _took care of me_.  And you didn’t…”  Dean trailed off as Cas pulled away, kissing his neck softly as he sat up.

“I cleaned the pipes before hand while you were dozing.  I mean, you were just laying there all greek god like...” he said matter of factly, standing and walking to the bathroom.  Dean just shook his head, smiling to himself as he got undressed for bed.  He was not used to this, to being pampered and worshipped, to being taken care of like Cas was doing so easily.  He traded places with Cas, stepping into the bathroom to brush his teeth as Cas undressed for bed, hitting the lights when he was finished and making his way in the dark to bed.  As he slid under the covers, reaching for Cas, his fingers came in contact with the bare skin on his back.  He smiled, sliding in behind Cas and wrapping his arms around him tightly.  Dean would never take Cas being shirtless for granted, and he loved that Cas felt comfortable enough to be that vulnerable around him.  Dean pressed soft kisses onto his shoulders.

“Good night,” he breathed.

“Good night,” Cas answered, his fingers carding through Dean’s.  Yes, Dean was in no way used to being spoiled, but he had to admit, he was starting to like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St. Augustine is one of my favorite places!! The hotel they're staying at is a real place, a Hilton just across from the Castillo. 
> 
> As always guys, leave me some comments. The more I get the faster I (try) to post!! Working my way through Ch. 22, now.
> 
> I love you guys!!!


	20. If The World Crashes Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, almost a week between chapters, sorry guys. I hit a writing block, but I'm past it so here we go!
> 
> This chapter is all fluff and cuteness and a little bit of.. well you know this perfect trip wasn't going to last forever, right??
> 
> Comments, Comments, Comments!! XD
> 
> NOTE: Posted some updates, missed a few things last night! New chapter coming soon.
> 
> <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20: If The World Crashes Down- Enrique Iglesias  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fwhgwv2Qq8Q  
> You make me strong  
> You make me weak  
> You lift me off my feet  
> You give me hope  
> When all my dreams  
> Seem like they're out of reach  
> You make me understand  
> The way the perfect love should be  
> You take me to a place so high  
> I never wanna leave
> 
> Sometimes I think of all the things  
> I should have said  
> I hope it's not too late  
> I wanna make you understand  
> If the world crashes down over me  
> I know that my life is complete  
> 'Cause I've held you in my arms all night  
> 'Cause I can't imagine  
> Life without you by my side
> 
> You whisper in my ear the words  
> "Just hold me closer tonight"  
> And when the pain is holding me  
> Your touch just sets me free 
> 
> Sometimes I think of all the things  
> I should have said  
> I hope it's not too late  
> I wanna make you understand
> 
> If the world crashes down over me  
> I know that my life is complete  
> 'Cause I've held you in my arms all night  
> 'Cause I can't imagine  
> Life without you by my side [2x]

In spite of his nap the day before, Dean still managed to wake up after Castiel.  The bed is empty beside him, so he looks around the hotel room and notices the balcony blinds are open, so he slips on his pants from the day before and walks to the door, sliding it open.  The smell of coffee hits him, and he smiles at the sight he’s greeted with.  Cas is relaxing in one of the chairs, wearing a lightweight tan button up shirt on and blue cotton shorts, covered plates on the table next to him, sipping coffee and looking through a tour book on St. Augustine.  At the sound of the door opening, he looks up and smiles, and Dean’s heart melts.  He’ll never get tired of waking up to that smile.

“Good morning,” he points at the plates, “I got us some breakfast.”  Dean decides not to argue about room service this time, so he sits and takes the metal lid off a plate, grabbing some fruit with his fingers.  Cas raises an eyebrow at him and goes back to his booklet.  Dean leans back, looking out at the water, enjoying the cool morning breeze on his bare chest, though in the typical Florida way he can tell it’s going to get humid as the sun comes up.

“What’s on the agenda today, Tour Guide Castiel?” Dean asked teasingly, swallowing the cantaloupe and grabbing a piece of toast.  Cas smiled, turning the brochure so Dean could see it.

“I was thinking the Fountain of Youth and the Old Jail, then after lunch we could do St. George Street, catching the Oldest Wooden Schoolhouse before it closes.”  He was excitedly pointing at the different sights in the guidebook as he spoke, and Dean just watched him fondly.

“Whatever you want to do, babe,” he says, grabbing another piece of toast.  He continued eating his breakfast as Cas went over what he had planned for the next couple days.  Tomorrow it was supposed to rain, so Cas had Ripley’s Odditorium, the Lightner Museum, and the Pirate museum on their schedule, then the next day, their last day in the city, they were going out to the beach to see the lighthouse.  Cas had left them a free day to take their time driving home.  Dean knew where ever Cas wanted to go, he would follow.

He tried not to think about the whole ‘going home’ part.  Going home meant dealing with Jo, dealing with family, with work.  Dean glanced over at Cas, and when he saw the excited gleam in his eye he pushed it all away.  For as long as he could, Dean would pretend this was their life.

Which meant that their next two days went by so quickly it hardly felt like they’d happened at all.

 

Cas took nearly three times as many pictures on their second day as he had on their first afternoon at the Castillo.  Dean didn’t even know what he was taking pictures of half the time, but Cas was happy so Dean didn’t care.  Well… the amount of pictures he was winding up in was a bit uncomfortable, but he loved the way Cas would smile as he looked at Dean through the camera, so he let it go.  While at the Fountain of Youth, Dean stopped and picked up some touristy trinkets for Sam and Jess before they headed out into the park to explore.  Dean snagged a couple pictures of Cas, including an adorable one of Cas’ indignant face when Dean compared him to the peacocks wandering around the park.  Hand in hand they walked, but when Cas stopped to explore the Nombre de Dios Mission, Dean hesitated before walking in, his last trip to church on his bender playing in his head.  A slight shame turned his stomach.

“What’s up?” Cas asked when Dean balked at the door.  Dean ran his hand over the back of his neck, feeling the tips of his ears turn pink.

“Nothing,” he muttered, taking a hesitant step into the building.  Dean knew he was being silly, it wasn’t a true church, just a re-creation of one that existed 400 years ago.  Still, he felt a chill run through him in spite of the heat in the building.  It smelled like cypress, small with wooden eaves crossing overhead, nothing at all like the church back home, yet just as uncomfortable to be in.  Dean felt like he shouldn’t be there at all, and he shifted his weight, shoving his hands in his pockets.  Cas looked up from a plaque he was reading when he noticed Dean’s movements.

“You sure you’re okay?  You look nervous,” Cas said quietly.  Another couple had walked in behind them to look around, so Dean subtly gestured for them to leave.  As Cas followed him back outside, he felt a little less pressure on his chest, but it didn’t go away completely.  He moved a few steps to the side to avoid being overheard by passers by.

“I’ve never been a religious type, churches have always made me a bit uneasy,” he said quietly.  The shame crept up on him again.  “And my last trip to a church wasn’t anywhere near sober.  They just… I get the feeling like I’m being watched, judged or something, and I know I deserve it but…”  Dean falters as Cas’ brow furrows, hoping he didn’t offend him somehow.

“So you’re uncomfortable in church, a lot of people are,” he says.

“I guess,” Dean sighs, hoping Cas might just let it go.  Of course, he wasn’t that lucky.

“What is it?” Cas asks, crossing his arms over his chest.  “You’re not telling me something, Dean.”  His voice is gentle, but it still makes Dean shift uncomfortably.  This week was about them getting to know more about each other, and this was a part of Dean that Cas didn't know yet, so reason said this was all well and good.  Reason didn’t make Dean feel any better.

“They remind me of my Mom,” he admits.  Cas’ face and posture soften, his hand seeking Dean’s and holding on.  “She, uh, she used to tell me angels were watching over me, every night when she’d tuck me in.  Even bought me this little figure to put on my shelf.  And when she died, I prayed to those angels.  I was five, I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t bring her back.  I remember asking my Dad and he-” Dean’s voice catches in his throat, so he clears it and starts again.  “My Dad just told me: ‘Life doesn’t work that way, stop asking for miracles, because you’ll never get one.’  And so I stopped.  Five year old kid, and the little veil of hope for the world was already gone.  I stopped believing in anything but Sam.”  Cas wipes a tear off Dean’s cheek, one he hadn’t realized he’d let escape.

“What about your last trip you mentioned?” Cas asked quietly.  Dean worried at his lip for a moment before speaking.

“The day before I met you, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.  I was working in Bobby’s shop, surrounded by Bobby’s notes, and _everything_ reminded me of Bobby, my last living parent.  So I kind of stole a bottle of whiskey from a bar and wandered through town, aimlessly.”  Cas’ eyes widened but he didn’t say anything.  “I remember stopping at the Catholic church, and I felt this urge to go inside. I don’t know what came over me and I prayed, for the first time since I was five.  I was pretty drunk already, so I don’t really remember much else, but I asked for that miracle, for…” he feels the heat running up into his cheeks “...I asked for someone who wouldn’t leave me.”

“Oh, _Dean_ ,” Cas gasps, wrapping him up in a tight hug.  Dean clings to Cas, his fingers digging into his back, gripping his shirt tightly.  Dean buries his head on Cas’ shoulder, savoring the comfort he found there.  He hadn’t thought about that night in the church for a long time, but now that he was, he realized something.  The silver lining on the edge of his cloud.

“You know, like I said, I don’t believe in destiny, or any of that other religious stuff."  Dean paused, making sure he had Cas’ attention.  “Call me crazy, but I met you the next day, so obviously someone was listening.”  Cas grinned, blinking away some excess moisture in his own eyes.

“I’m glad they were,” Cas said quietly.  A silence hangs over them until Dean shakes off his weird feeling.

“So, how ‘bout you?” Dean says casually. Cas shrugs.

“I’m not a believer, but I don’t discount religion either.  I’ve studied Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and a multitude of offshoots, and I deeply respect and appreciate what religion does for people, in so many good ways.  But I’ve also seen my share of the bad ways.”  He took a deep breath.  “I guess what I’m trying to get at is I also have no reason to believe in fate.”  He threaded a hand through Dean’s hair.  “Until I met you.  Seeing you for the first time… I don’t know, it was like someone pointed me at you and said ‘see him?  You’re meant to be with him.’”  Dean smiled, ducking his head to rest on Cas’ shoulder.

“We are being such gross, romantic saps right now,” Dean groaned, grinning from ear to ear.  Cas gave him a squeeze, releasing him and taking a step back.

“That’s the price you pay for acting weird when walking into a church,” Cas teased.   The moment had passed, and though Dean felt slightly naked, he also felt much better.

 

The next day, true to Florida weather, it rained nearly the entire time.  Dean gave a silent salute to Cas’ trip planning, they’d only gotten stuck in the rain going from the Impala to the buildings.  After they finished at the Pirate and Lightner Museums, Dean drove them over to Ripley’s, thankful the rain had lightened slightly since there wasn’t any parking close to the building.  He turned to Cas to apologize for the walk, but there was a strange look on his face.

“What is it?” Dean asked.

“Nothing.” Cas said quickly, getting ready to climb out of the car.  Dean stopped him.

“Hey, yesterday you made me show and tell, now it’s your turn.”  He gave Cas a reassuring smile, and Cas relaxed into the seat.

“My father, he took me to the Ripley’s in Myrtle Beach one year.  Just the two of us, left my brothers at the beach with their nannies.  They had been especially awful to me on the drive down, and I think he saw how upset I was.  So he took me to the Odditorium, just the two of us.”  His eyes watched the rain dripping down his window.  “Michael was 15, getting ready to start choosing a college, and my father was grooming him to take over the family business.  But that day… We had that last day, just us, and he smiled at me and… and he was my Dad.  I think that was the last time we got to do something like that together.”  Dean reached out, resting his hand on Cas’ knee for comfort.  Cas looked over, smiling at Dean.  “And now I’ll have another set of good memories with you.”  Dean smiled back.

“Well, we’d better get in there then.” He said, climbing out into the rain.  Cas walked around the Impala, meeting Dean halfway to the door and planting a kiss on his lips.  Dean laughed against his face, but Cas refused to let him go until Dean kissed him back.  They were both damp from the rain, but the smile on Cas’ face cut off Dean’s complaint.

 They shared a pizza in the hotel room that night, stripping out of their damp clothes and cuddling up in bed.  Dean watched over Cas’ shoulder in bed as he loaded the pictures from the camera onto his laptop, smiling at some of the candid shots he’d grabbed of Dean.  Every now and again a picture of Cas would go by, from where Dean had managed to snatch the camera and get proof they were both on the trip.  Cas clicked on a picture of the two of them from their first day, a selfie he’d snapped while they were up on top of the Castillo.  Dean had been looking at Cas, not at the camera, laughing about him trying to take the selfie, and Cas was grinning, struggling to keep the camera steady.  When Dean saw on his own face the raw joy and emotion in his eyes, he felt his cheeks grow warm.  It wasn’t like Dean to get sentimental, but the past three days had been some of the best of his life.  

“I like that one,” he mumbled, nuzzling into Cas’ neck to hide his embarrassment.  Cas left it up on the screen for a while, looking down at it.

“Yeah, me too,” he said, his voice full of something Dean didn’t recognize, but it filled him with a deep warmth.  After a few more clicks, Cas shut off the laptop, putting it away and wrapping his arms around Dean.  “I like this better,” he hummed.  Dean nuzzled deeper into Cas’ neck, trailing soft kisses along his jaw.  Cas tilted his head down and captured Dean’s lips with his own, and they traded lazy kisses for a while before Dean felt his eyes start to grow heavy.  Cas must have noticed, because he pulled Dean to his chest, running his hands gently through Dean’s hair.

“G’night,” Dean mumbled.  As he drifted off, he thought he heard Cas say something, but he was too far gone to understand what it was.

 

Dean was the first to wake up the next morning, for the first time this whole trip.  Maybe because it was their last full day together before they left for home, but something felt different this morning than it had all the others.  Cas was wrapped around him tightly, resting on his chest, still breathing deeply.  He watched him for a while, the rise and fall of his side as he breathed, the softness on his face as he slept.  Dean never wanted this moment to end.  If he could stay there in that bed forever it would never be long enough.  He felt Cas begin to stir, the shift in his breathing letting Dean know he was waking up.  Dean ran his hand along his back, kissing the top of his head.

“Look who’s the sleepyhead this morning,” Dean teased gently.  Cas grunted, burrowing his face into Dean’s neck, his stubble raising goosebumps on his skin.

“Not by much, I bet,” he said, finally sitting up to look at Dean.  Dean kissed him, and Cas made a face.  “Ew, morning breath.”  Dean immediately leaned in, trying to give him another kiss, and Cas yelped, tumbling backwards out of bed and running for the bathroom.  Dean laughed, climbing out of bed at a much slower pace and walking to the bathroom after him.  Cas was at the sink, brushing his teeth, and Dean joined him.

“Shove over,” Dean said playfully, nudging Cas with his hip.  Cas raised an eyebrow but moved to give Dean room at the sink.

“Ready for our beach day?” Cas asked after spitting in the sink.  Dean shrugged, his mouth too full of toothpaste to answer.  Cas smiled at him in the mirror.  “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said, turning and starting the water for a shower.  Dean watched in the mirror as Cas undressed, forgetting for a minute he had a toothbrush in his mouth.  When Cas turned and caught him watching, he gave him a smirk, and Dean nearly drooled toothpaste down his chin.  Cas laughed, and Dean spit, blushing furiously.

“It’s your fault you know,” he muttered.  Cas just shrugged, stepping into the walk in shower, but leaving the door slightly open behind him in invitation.  Dean grinned, not hesitating to strip down and climb in the shower.  Cas pulled him in for a kiss once he shut the door, running his hands through Dean’s hair, pulling him under the water with him.  Cas doesn’t hesitate, kissing Dean hard and desperate, and he can tell Cas is sensing the end of this time together as well.  He doesn’t want to feel that sadness, that rushed need to have each other while they could.  He pulls back, pushing Cas back a few steps gently.  They’re both aroused, but Dean doesn’t want to hurry.  He runs his hand over Cas’ cheek reassuringly, reaching around him to grab the shampoo, turning Cas around and massaging his scalp, working up a lather.  After he finished, Cas rinsed the shampoo out as Dean grabbed the body wash.  He pulled Cas back out of the spray, trading places with him, reaching out and massaging Cas’ shoulders.  He was enjoying the feel of Cas under his hands, and Cas let out a small moan, leaning into Dean’s touch.  

Dean added more body wash to his hands, reaching around and running his hands over Cas’ chest, pulling him close.  His arousal slid against Cas’ thigh, and a small groan escaped him before he could stop it.  The water had washed away the soap from Cas’ shoulders, so Dean trailed soft kisses up Cas’ neck, teasing at the soft skin behind his ear.  He moved his hands lower against Cas’ stomach, and Cas pressed his hips back against Dean, pulling another small noise from him.  Dean’s hands slid the rest of the way down, wrapping around Cas’ erection and giving it a few soft strokes, his thumb running along the slit at the tip.  Cas reached behind him, his hand sliding along Dean’s neck and grabbing hold.

“So good, babe,” he moaned.  Dean quickened his pace, delighting at the noises tumbling from Cas’ mouth.  His lips locked onto Cas’ neck, not strong enough to leave a permanent mark, but enough to make Cas’ hips buck into his hand.  Dean tightened his grip, twisting his wrist just the right way to get Cas to come apart in his arms.  His hips were rising and falling with Dean’s hand now, giving his own arousal some much needed friction.  Cas’ hand tightened against Dean’s neck, his nails biting into his skin, his other hand reached behind him, grabbing onto Dean’s erection and giving him a few sharp tugs.  Dean grunted, his hips thrusting forward on reflex.

“ _Ungh_ , Cas-” Dean gasped.  

“ _Dean_ -” Cas’ voice choked off in a moan as he came, his hand still working Dean as he trembled with his own aftershocks.  He turned to face Dean, getting a better grip on him, his lips capturing Dean's in a hard kiss, and it wasn’t long until Dean came with a stuttered cry, his head falling forward to rest against Cas’ shoulder.  They stood that way for a while, basking in the afterglow.  Cas grabbed the body wash and cleaned them off, and once they were rinsed off, Cas shut off the water, climbing out of the shower and handing Dean a towel.  

“Well, now what about breakfast?” Dean asked, drying himself off, a goofy smile on his face.  Cas shrugged, hanging up his towel.

“Want to eat out this morning?” he asked.

“Why not?” Dean agreed.  He walked out to the bedroom, putting their beach bag up on the bed and pulling out his swimsuit.  As he pulled on a t-shirt, he noticed Cas digging around in the beach bag, pulling out a pair of swim trunks and a blue long sleeve shirt, kind of like the type surfers wore.  He walked up to Cas before he could put it on, wrapping him in a hug.

“Dean, I thought you were hungry,” Cas sighed.  Dean kissed him.

“I don’t know, I feel pretty satisfied now…” he teased.

“Dean,” Cas groaned.  Dean chuckled.

“I just felt an overwhelming need to tell you how beautiful you are.” Dean said softly, getting a bit more serious.  Cas blushed scarlet, dropping his gaze and playing with his shirt in his hands.  He kissed Cas’ forehead, then turned and grabbed his wallet.  “Come on, let’s get going,” he said warmly.  Cas pulled on his shirt, grabbed the beach bag, and followed Dean down to the car.

 

They found a little cafe once they were over the bridge, grabbing some muffins and coffee before heading over to the beach.  Cas insisted on doing the lighthouse first, and as they stood at the bottom looking up, Dean started getting a little nervous.

"That's a lot of stairs..." He muttered.  Cas rolled his eyes.

"Come on," he grabbed hold of Dean's hand and pulled him forward.  

It was a lot of stairs.   _Dear God_ it was a lot of stairs.  The good news was once they were at the top, Dean was too tired to be scared.  He looked out across the water, suddenly feeling very small as he watched people walking around on the ground below them.  

"Hey Dean?"

"Hm?"

"I never want to forget this," Cas said, so quiet Dean almost didn't hear him.  He was staring out in the same direction as Dean, the camera hanging from his wrist, forgotten, a faraway look in his eyes.  Dean leaned in and took the camera, wrapping an arm around his waist.  He held the camera as high as he could above their heads, feeling Cas' lips press against his cheek as he snapped the photo.

"There," Dean said, slipping the camera back around Cas' wrist tightly.  "And in case that's not enough, I'll remind you, because I know I'm never forgetting this."  Cas' eyes fill with emotion, and he wipes at his eyes, turning his back to Dean.

"Let's get down to the beach," he mumbles.

Once they were safely on the ground again (much to Dean's relief), they made their way to the beach.  Dean found them a spot that wasn't too crowded, and spread out the blanket he'd stuffed in the beach bag.  Dean put on some sunscreen, and Cas settled in, watching a family playing down by the water.

"I'm going to grab us some lunch,” Dean said, kissing the top of Cas’ head.  “I saw a food truck up by the parking lot, and I’m feeling adventurous.”  Cas nodded.

“Hurry back,” he said warmly.  Dean walked back up the beach, adjusting the sunglasses on his nose.  He found the food truck he’d seen, a Bar B Q type stand, and he ordered a couple different things for him and Cas to share.  As he waited for his food, he noticed someone watching him from across the parking lot.  He was dressed in a plain yellow polo and khakis, but anyone wearing pants on a hot day like this one was suspicious in Dean’s book.  When he noticed Dean’s eyes on him, he turned and walked down the sidewalk, disappearing out of view as he passed behind some bushes.  The food truck owner had to call his name four times before he finally heard him, walking up and taking his bag of food and bottles of water.  He checked the bushes one more time before heading back down to the beach.

He was being paranoid.  The guy probably wasn’t watching him, it was more likely that he was just looking in Dean’s direction, either at the truck or behind him at the beach itself.  Still, Dean couldn’t shake the feeling he had, like his perfect week with Cas had been violated in some way.  By the time he got back to Cas, he’d managed to get his smile back.

“I got a little pork, a little brisket, and some chicken.  Figured we could try a bit of everything,” he said, handing Cas the food as he sat down, dropping the waters on the blanket between them.  Cas’ face lit up at the smell of the food.

“It’s been forever since I've had Bar B Q!” he said happily, pulling the brisket out of the pile and digging in with his fork.  His eyes fluttered closed as he chewed.

“That good, huh?” Dean asked, smiling.

“Can you make something like this for me when we get home?” Cas asked through a mouthful of beef.  

“Anything you want,” Dean said.   _Home_.  Suddenly, his good mood, which had wilted when he saw polo shirt guy, now was fading rapidly.  He picked at the food, but his appetite had gone sour.  He pulled his glasses off, scrubbing his hand down his face.

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked, watching Dean over the food in his hands.  Dean laughed to himself.

“This week was- well it was perfect, Cas.”  Dean closed up the lid on the chicken he was picking at to keep the sand out and set it down between them.  “But tomorrow we have to go back.”  He’s staring at the blanket, feeling silly for getting so upset about something so small.

“We’ll be okay,” Cas said softly.  Dean waved his hand.

“I know, I know we will be but… we haven’t really talked about your brothers yet, and Jo is still-” Dean cut himself off.

“What about Jo?” Cas asked, putting his food aside as well.  Dean ducked his head as he told Cas how she’d reacted to their announcement.

“Dean!  Why didn’t you say anything?” he asked, concern written all over his face.

“I didn’t want to bother you, ruin your night,” Dean muttered.  “And after the party we just left, and I didn’t think about it.  Once we were here I didn’t want to talk about it, because this is for _us_.”

“This is part of ‘us’, Dean.  Working through the hard stuff is just as important as romantic selfies on a lighthouse.”

“I did bring it up-”

“On the hood of a car in the middle of the night,” Cas pointed out.  “Yeah, I said we didn’t have to talk about it, and I’m sorry for seeming hypocritical.  In my defense, we were both exhausted, that wasn’t the best time to talk out something like that.”  He reached out, gently taking hold of Dean’s chin and pulling so he was looking at him.  “Just talk to me,” he said, eyes studying Dean’s face.

“Losing you is the only thing I’m scared of anymore, Cas.” Dean admitted, feeling embarrassingly vulnerable.  Cas nods like he understands, but Dean still hasn’t said what he needs to say, so he grabs Cas’ hand, pulling it off his chin and squeezing it tightly.  “Your family has a hold on you, just like my Dad had over me.”  He turns his gaze to the family just down the beach from them.  Three kids, two boys and a girl, all splashing and playing, building a sandcastle, and their parents were looking on, the dad sipping on a beer, the mother reading a novel, glancing up every few minutes to scold one kid or the other fondly.  A life Dean didn’t have a chance to know.  “Dad never got over Mom.  By the time I was nine, I already knew what a mess he was, and I knew I had to make sure he was okay.  Him and Sammy."  Dean pauses to put his thoughts together.

"Your father is supposed to take care of you.  I can only imagine what it must have been like to have to take care of him."  Cas says softly.  Dean chuckled humorlessly.

"I figured out his triggers, what made him angry, made him drink.  I always did exactly what he told me, just to keep him happy, keep him calm.  Just to get a _glimpse_ of my old Dad.  But Sam... He didn't understand... He'd act out, lash out, and those nights...they were rough."  

"Did your Dad ever...?"  Cas left the question hanging and Dean shook his head.

"It never came to blows, but it came close.  I knew I should stick up for Sam, that I should try to help him, but I couldn't go against my Dad.  I tried to, especially when he refused to let Sam talk about college.  I wanted to stand up for Sam, to show him I was on his side, but...  All it would take was one word, and my Dad would shut me up before I'd even started."  He hugs his knees to him, he can feel his chest constricting, and he drops his head forward, closing his eyes to try and remain calm.

"Dean, hey it's okay..." Cas' voice is gentle but it cuts through the pressure building around him.  He feels Cas' hand on his back, and radiating from that touch he feels his muscles start to relax.

“I can see that in you, Cas.  The way you left before, the way you talk about your brothers,... I can see it, because I know what it’s like to be there.  And I’m scared that they’re going to tell you that we can’t… that we…” he can’t finish the sentence, the pain cutting his voice short.  Cas gets up on his knees, moving so he’s kneeling right in front of Dean.

“I will never, _never_ , leave you like that again,” he says strongly.  “I don’t care what my brothers say or do, there is nothing on this earth that comes before you.”  Dean just blinks up at Cas, taken aback by the ferocity in his voice.  “You’ve no idea what being with you has done for me, Dean.  Half because I’m still figuring it out myself, and half because I’m too much of a coward to tell you.  To admit to you the things I-”  Cas is breathing heavily, and Dean releases his knees, opening his arms in invitation.  In spite of the public place, Cas crawls into Dean’s lap, wrapping himself around Dean tightly.

“I believe you,” Dean whispers.  And he does, in that moment he knows that Cas is telling him the truth.  It humbles him, knowing someone feels that way about him, feels so strongly they’re willing to go against their own family to be with him.  

He suddenly knows, without a doubt, that he is in love with Castiel.

“Can we finish lunch now?” Cas asks quietly, and Dean laughs.

“Alright, alright.  Moment’s over I guess?” Dean sighs, releasing Cas and picking up his food again.  

"What?  I'm hungry!" Cas grumbles, digging into his Bar B Q.  They eat in a warm silence for a little while, Dean watching the people on the beach, when he suddenly catches sight of polo shirt guy down a ways, attempting to hide behind a cabana.  Dean turns so he doesn’t realize he saw him and gets Cas’ attention.

“See the guy in the yellow polo and khakis behind me?  Kind of hiding behind a cabana?  I think he was watching me earlier.” Dean says.  Cas looks over his shoulder, his brow furrowing as he searches.  His eyes suddenly widen, and the color drains from his face.

“That fucking son of a bitch,” he huffs.  Dean tries not to choke on his food.

“Uh, Cas...?”

“I just… I can’t believe he’d… that’s just fucking…”  Cas’ color has come back, but it’s mostly red, and he starts packing up their things in a hurry, sliding the food containers into the beach bag.  Dean’s scared, he’s never seen Cas so angry.

“Babe, talk to me,” Dean says, helping him pack.  Cas shoots one more glance over Dean’s shoulder before turning to the car.  Dean has to hurry to keep up with him, reeling from his sudden outburst.  Dean glances over his shoulder, but polo shirt guy is gone, and it makes him nervous.

“He was probably following you, Dean, you’re right,” Cas was saying when he caught up to him.  Dean unlocks Baby, and Cas unceremoniously tosses their bag in the backseat before climbing into the car.  Dean’s on autopilot, just following Cas’ lead, to scared to try and stop him.  The only reason he isn’t having a full blown attack is because he hasn’t had time to stop and think.

“Cas, who is he?” Dean asks before starting the engine.  There’s an anger in Cas that has Dean wondering if it’s the same person he was just cuddled up with on the beach.  The calm in Cas’ voice almost makes it that much scarier.

“His name is Jerry.  And he works for my brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am kicking myself in the pants over this fic. I don't know why, but your comments and reads make it all worth it!! Thank you so much everyone and keep it coming! Let me know if there's anything wonky with this chapter. It's my halfway point for this journey (IDK about the 40 chapters o_O but narrative it's halfway) and it's been a struggle getting through this. I'm loving every second though!!


	21. My Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've hit a little bit of a wall with this. I've written myself to a hard place, and I really want to get it right. Because of that, I decided I wanted to get this chapter out to you guys a bit sooner, to make me push my way through what I'm writing right now.  
> Also 105 READS SINCE LAST UPDATE?!?! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! ::FREAKING OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR AWESOMENESS::
> 
> This is the halfway point in this narrative. Don't know if I have another 20 chapters in me (o_0) but as far as the story goes, this is the end of Act 1.
> 
> ~*~WARNING~*~ Minor triggers in this chapter. Arguing, panic attack, talking about past abuse. Small things but I want my audience to feel safe :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 21: My Confession- Josh Groban  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz5m8SNYYBY  
> I have been blind, unwilling  
> To see the true love you're giving  
> I have ignored every blessing  
> I'm on my knees confessing
> 
> That I feel myself surrender  
> Each time I see your face  
> I am staggered by your beauty  
> Your unassuming grace  
> And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place  
> I can't hide it now hear my confession.
> 
> I have been wrong about you  
> Thought I was strong without you  
> For so long nothing could move me  
> For so long nothing could change me
> 
> Now I feel myself surrender  
> Each time I see your face  
> I am captured by your beauty  
> Your unassuming grace  
> And I feel my heart is turning, falling into place  
> I can't hide it now hear my confession
> 
> [Bridge:]  
> You are the air that I breathe  
> You're the ground beneath my feet  
> When did I stop believing?
> 
> Cause I feel myself surrender  
> Each time I see your face  
> I am staggered by your beauty  
> Your unassuming grace  
> And I feel my heart, is falling into place  
> I can't hide it now hear my confession  
> I can't hide it now hear my confession
> 
> Hear my confession

The moment their hotel room door closes behind them, Cas is on his phone, pacing the room angrily.

“Yes, get me Gabriel...  It’s his brother….  Castiel...  No, I will not wait… You get my brother on the fucking phone or that’s the least of your worries…”  Dean sits at the table, unsure of what to do with himself, but unwilling to leave from within eyesight of Cas.   “Gabriel, who the fuck do you think you are…. Yes, I saw him, he’s a bit awkward and obvious… I don’t care, I’m done.  I’m done with this..."  He can't hear Gabriel's side of the conversation, but in the pauses between Cas' shouts Cas is angrily listening to whatever his brother is saying, which Dean takes as a good sign even though Cas is still fuming, his jaw clenched and his muscles taut.  "It’s my club I can take time off when I need it… What business is it of yours?...You’ve all known about me for a while, I don’t see why it matters... Yeah, and while Kali...... that might have been the case…... you weren’t called an ‘abomination’ by your own...“  Cas’ anger flares his eyes, and Cas balls a fist like he’s about to punch something.  Dean can feel the anger pouring off him, like he's venting a lifetime's worth of frustrations at once.  

Dean's realizing now that might actually be the case.  

“Am I supposed to sympathize?...  What about Meg, huh?” Cas hisses,  “You were perfectly okay with that part of my life… I nearly DIED, Gabriel, and you didn’t lift a fucking finger, you don’t get to talk to me about…you could have fooled me... You never have, and you never-...”  Dean can hear shouting over the other end of the line for the first time, but he can't quite make out the words that have made Cas freeze in place, his fist relaxing.  It takes Cas a few minutes to speak again.  “Gabe, I…”  Cas has stopped pacing, leaning heavily on the wall.  Dean watches him anxiously, still afraid to move, but desperately wanting to do _something_.  “I didn’t… Then _why_??  Shouldn’t you….”  Cas runs his hand through his hair, tears forming in his eyes.  “Then help me, Gabe… for once, _please_.”  Cas seems to deflate.  “Yeah, I… It is, Gabe, it really is, and I’m scared as hell….”  Another longer pause.  Cas' anger seems to be calming down, but he's visibly upset about something else now.  “Yeah… Okay… yeah… I’ll… later.”

Cas hangs up, and before Dean can say anything, he collapses to the ground.  

“Cas?  Babe, what is it?”  Dean rushes over to him, kneeling in front of him on the floor.  He reaches for Cas, but Cas waves him away, scaring Dean that much more.

"Sorry, I- I just need a minute," he muttered, curling his knees to his chest and hugging them tightly, his eyes distant.  Dean scoots back, sitting on the floor in front of him, and waits.  

He's flat out terrified, because Cas isn't showing any emotion anymore, just sitting there curled up staring at nothing.  Dean on the other hand is shaking, the not knowing worse than the brother's fight itself.  He may have only heard Cas' side of the conversation, but it was enough to help Dean realize that hearing about the animosity between brothers was nothing like witnessing it.  The longer Cas sits, the worse Dean gets, until he finds himself gasping for air, his vision narrowing so all he can see is Cas, his attack coming so fast he can't stop it.

"Cas..." he manages weakly, trying to ask for help.  He needs Cas to say something, he needs him to do _something_ , to let Dean know he's not forgotten, but his muscles won't work properly.  He’s starting to feel dizzy, and he knows his body is falling towards the floor, but he never hits it.  He feels the sensation of being lifted, then laid against Cas' chest, strong hands cradling him like a child.  He curls towards those arms, his fingers grasping desperately for purchase, his eyes shut tight against his dizziness.

"Shhh, baby, I got you.  I've got you Dean, you're okay."   Cas' deep voice repeats over and over.  "I'm sorry, babe.  I'm sorry for all of this."  Cas adds the apology into his string of reassurances, until finally Dean stops shaking, and after a short while Dean even feels stable enough to open his eyes.

"What happened, Cas?" He asks weakly, looking up at Cas' face.  “Why are you so upset?”  He sees the anger there still, but there's also remorse.

"My brother Gabriel was suspicious when I took this week off, and had me followed."

"Why?"  Dean was too tired to try and come up with a reason himself.

"Probably just to satisfy his curiosity," Cas shrugged.  "Gabriel's got a complex with needing to know everything."  Cas runs his hand through Dean's hair.  "We can talk about this later, babe.  I know I set you off..."  Dean shakes his head, managing to sit up on his own without any shaking in his hands.  He still doesn't trust his legs so he continues sitting on the floor.

"No, I'm okay Cas.  Honestly, I think you telling me what happened will be better than not knowing."  Cas searches his face for a minute before continuing.

"When Gabe left for college, he started dating a woman, from somewhere in India, I think.  I liked her, she was spunky and had an attitude to match Gabriel's, but she hated authority, and refused to treat Michael and Raphael with any form of respect, especially with how they treated Gabe. She was alienated by my brothers, and Gabe he... he suffered just as I had from their cruel comments and disapproval."  Cas sighed heavily.  

"I take it things didn't end well," Dean said softly.  Cas shook his head.

"I don't know when they broke up, or what happened exactly, but Gabe was wrecked afterward.  It was a few years after that when I started seeing Balthazar, and both Raphael and Michael came after me, only tenfold because it was a gay relationship."  Cas' face was thoughtful, and Dean gave his hand a squeeze.  "Gabriel never said a word, though, and I figured it was because of what him and Kali had gone through.  I didn't know at the time..."  He takes a deep breath, his voice breaking.  

"You okay?" Dean asks.  Cas kisses his forehead softly, nodding.

"I think my anger startled Gabe, he admitted something to me."  Cas bites at his lip, and Dean just waits for him to work out his thoughts.  "When he left Kali, she was pregnant.  To this day, Michael and Raphael don't know.  He gets photos from Kali, but hasn't been able to meet his daughter.  I asked Gabe why, after all these years, would he still work for Michael, and he..." tears are forming in Cas' eyes again.  "He said it's so I don't have to take his place, so he can be the buffer between me and my siblings."  He squeezes Dean's hand tightly.

"That's a step," Dean says quietly.  "At least one in the right direction?"  Cas half smiles at him.

"He asked about you, about whether or not this is serious."  Dean's heart beats a little harder in his chest as he looks into Cas' eyes, still wet with unshed tears.  "I told him I am.  He's agreed to keep this secret for as long as he can, and that when the shit eventually hits the fan, that this time he'll have my back."  Dean hugs Cas tightly.

"This is good, right?" Dean says quietly.  Cas shrugs.

"If he keeps his promise.  If he's not intimidated by my brothers.  Now that Dad is gone Michael has gotten a lot more dangerous."  

"Dangerous?" Dean asks carefully, his anxiety creeping back in.

"He's got a lot of pull, with a lot of people.  He can make life a living hell for someone if he wants."  Cas shrugs again, more confident this time.  "But I'm done, Dean.  I'm done taking their crap."  There is strength behind Cas' voice, and a determined look on his face.  Dean squeezes him tightly.

"And I'm here to help.  Whatever it takes."  He says, placing a soft kiss against Cas' shoulder.  "So you're okay?"  He feels Cas nod against his shoulder.

"Yeah, I think so," he breathes.  "You okay?"  

"As long as I'm with you," Dean nods.  Cas gives him another chaste kiss, and Dean looks over at the clock.  It's barely 3pm.   _Good, still time_.  He sits up, standing slowly and walking over to grab his phone off the bed stand.

"What's on your mind?" Cas asks, standing as well.  He looks tired, and Dean gets an idea.

"I'm setting an alarm for 7pm," he explains.  "There's a big party down on the water tonight, some concert thing."  He pulls off his swim trunks, helping Cas with his clothes.  

"Dean?  What...?" Cas lets Dean undress him, though he's very obviously still confused.  He kisses Cas' forehead, giving him a warm smile.  

"We're going to take a nap, and then we're going to wake up fresh and go to that concert.  We're going to enjoy our last night here together, our last night of worry free us time.  Deal?"  Cas smiles, giving in and nestling under the covers, pulling Dean's arm around him.

"Deal."

 

When their nap was over, it was like the whole incident was forgotten.  Dean pushed it to the back of his mind, and it seemed Cas had done the same.  Dean pulled on his board shorts and t-shirt, and Cas pulled on his trunks as well, but traded the surfer shirt for a lightweight linen long sleeve shirt.  They exchanged a warm kiss before leaving for the car, a silent way of saying they each understood that tonight was for them.  One last moment to ignore the real world and just be.  The drive to the beach was faster this time, though parking was a little more difficult to find, and by the time they climbed out of the car, they were both smiling again.

The group that was playing that night was a local group, but their music was upbeat and they had a fondness for classic rock covers, and Dean very much approved.  There were some fire pits set up, scattered beach chairs surrounding them in the sand.  People were milling about, a good mix of locals and tourists, families, young and old couples.  There were food trucks and booths full of homemade crafts, but the part Dean loved the most was the smile on Cas' face.  He’d never get tired of watching him smile.

"Dean!  Look at these!!" He called, bending over a stand full of homemade jewelry.  Dean recognized some nerdy type things, Doctor Who, Star Wars, and others.  He chuckled, picking up a few and looking over them.

"Hey, you know we don't have a gift for-"

"Charlie, yeah."  Cas finished for him.  Dean laughed, and together they picked out some little pendants for her.  Dean tucked them in his pocket so he could hold Cas' hand as they walked towards the stage.  The band was playing an upbeat rock tune, full of life and energy, and Dean felt Cas moving with it next to him.  Soon enough, Dean was swaying with the music too, letting himself be caught up in the moment.  Just him and Cas, dancing like fools, no one else in the world but the two of them.

Castiel was glowing, positively radiant, like the angry cloud that had hung over their afternoon had never existed.  Dean was in awe, he had never looked at anyone like he was looking at Cas, had never _felt_ this much about anyone before.  It took Dean's breath away, the amount of emotion he was feeling just in that one small, yet eternal moment.  He wanted to laugh, to cry, to shout it out to the world, yet keep it to himself, something precious to be protected.  Cas turned his smile to Dean, blue eyes locking onto his, and Dean stopped breathing.

He reached out, grabbing hold of Castiel and pulling him in close, desperately.

"Dean, what is it?" Cas giggles against his cheek, pretending to resist Dean's pull but not really fighting at all.  He's beaming at Dean, wrapping his arms around his neck as Dean leans in close.  Dean's lips brush against Cas' ear, and though he speaks softly, his voice is strong.

"I love you."  

It's the first time he's said those words to anyone except his brother, and he's oddly calm after saying them.  There's never been anyone in his life like Castiel before, and he knows there never will be again.  Cas goes very still in his arms, the only movement coming from him is the rapid rise and fall of his chest.  "Say something," Dean chuckles, arms wrapping tighter around him.  Cas runs his hand up the back of Dean's neck, his fingers running up the back of his head into his hair.  Cas pulls back slightly, his nose brushing against Dean's, his lips just barely touch his.

"I love you, Dean Winchester," he says breathlessly, "I always have."  Dean is flying so high, his heart so full, Cas' whole family could walk around the corner and Dean wouldn't care at all.  Cas' lets out an undignified squeal as Dean lifts him in a bear hug, smiling uncontrollably.  "Put me down!" Cas demands, half heartedly, a laugh in his voice.  Dean relents, still smiling like a fool, so Cas presses his lips firmly against Dean's, though since people around them have started to stare he keeps it brief.  Reluctantly, Dean releases Cas to arms length, his hands releasing him as Cas silently turns his back to Dean, leaning back against him, taking his hands and pulling him close.  They watch the rest of the concert like that, Dean's arms wrapped around Cas’ waist, lost in the moment together.

They make the drive back to the hotel in silence, Cas sitting in the center of the Impala's front seat, resting against Dean as best as he can and still let Dean drive.  Some people might find it clingy, but Dean didn't mind.  It felt good to be wanted, to know someone was willingly choosing him.  It felt good to be loved.  They drop the car off with the valet and walk hand in hand back to their room.

Dean wants one last soak in the jacuzzi tub before they leave the next day, so the moment the door shuts behind them he walks up to the tub, reaching down to get the water running at the right temperature.  He feels Cas' eyes on his back, and smirks to himself, knowing exactly how he wants to spend this night.  He stops up the tub and stands, stretching lazily, being sure Cas can see his muscles flex in his back.  He starts slowly taking off his t-shirt, strip tease style minus the dancing.  He bends slightly too far as he just as slowly takes off his swim trunks.  He hears the shift in Cas' breathing just before he feels him walk up behind him, his hand running down Dean's back to cup his ass.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say you did that on purpose," Cas hummed in his ear.  Dean shrugged.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he teased, climbing into the tub, sighing as he sinks into the warm water.  He's joined shortly after by Cas, who reaches around Dean to get the jets running before settling in next to him.  They soak for a while, Cas leaning on Dean’s shoulder, his hand tracing lazy circles against his chest as Dean’s hand runs along his back.  

"I'm thinking of installing one of these at my house," Cas sighed.  

"Careful, if you do I might never leave," Dean threatened with a smile.

"Is that supposed to be a warning, or incentive?" Cas countered, running his hand lower on Dean’s sternum.  Dean shrugged, trying to remain casual as heat runs up his neck.

"Whatever you want it to be," he says huskily.  Cas' hand pauses its movements and he leans in, trailing kisses along Dean's neck and jawline, shifting so he's half in Dean's lap.  Dean sighs, tilting his head back.

"I'm going with incentive," Cas purrs, capturing Dean's earlobe between his teeth.  Dean's instantly hard, and he knows Cas can tell, because he hums smugly, continuing to work at Dean's neck.  His fingers continue their dance down Dean’s skin, moving lower and lower, passing his navel and taking a hold of Dean’s erection, starting to stroke him just the way Dean liked it.

"Cas, you don't-ngh," Dean's protest is cut short as Cas' thumb slides over his tip.

"I want to.  You have no idea how sexy you are when you're like this," Cas' voice is like velvet, and his practiced hand is already getting Dean close, his lips working at the soft skin behind Dean’s ear.  He tries to hold back, but it seems like Cas knows, and every time Dean tries to hang on, Cas finds a way to break through his resolve.  

"I'm gonna- gonna-" and Dean is gone, after just a few minutes, Cas milking him through his aftershocks till the overstimulation becomes too much.  "Damn you," Dean sighs.  "How do you do that?"  Cas giggles.

"You're easy to read," he says simply.  Dean swings himself around in front of Cas, climbing into his lap and grinding down hard, drawing out a surprised gasp that ends in a groan.

"Didn't see that coming, I guess," Dean growled, his forehead pressed against Cas’.  Cas grabs his face and kisses him hard, almost punishingly, and when he does eventually pull away, Dean takes Cas' bottom lip between his teeth, biting gently, feeling Cas' nails run down his back.  

“Dean,” Cas says, so reverent, like Dean’s name is a prayer.  He feels the blush run up his neck to his cheeks, ducking his head to hide his eyes.  He wants to move this along, but the tub isn't the best place, so he unfolds himself from Cas and unstops the drain, turning off the jets.  Cas actually whines as Dean pulls away from him, standing and toweling off.  Dean huffs a small laugh and hands him a towel.

“Don’t pout at me.  I just thought we should get a little more comfortable,” Dean says, trying to put heat in his voice, turning away and climbing into bed, his heart pounding in his chest.  Cas dries off in a hurry, his pout replaced with a predatory grin as he follows Dean quickly, climbing up the mattress after him.  Dean immediately rolls Cas onto his back and crawls on top of him, kissing him as his hands roam across his body, taking in every inch of bare skin.  His fingertips trace every bump of muscle, every curve and outline, and Cas whines impatiently into his kisses.  Dean relents and his hand finds Cas’ erection, keeping his touches gentle and measured.  Cas groans, trying to move his hips into Dean’s hand, but Dean uses his body weight to keep Cas still.  He’ll never get tired of this, of feeling Cas writhing under his touch, of knowing he has the power to make Cas feel that way.

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas moans again, and it sends a shudder through Dean’s body, a want deep inside his chest suddenly all he can think about.  He wants to feel Cas, to give him everything he has to give, including his total trust.  He stops altogether as the thought takes hold, and Cas looks up, confusion on his face.  “Okay?”

“Cas, baby,” Dean swallows hard, struggling to get the words out, “I think I- I want you... to...”  He watches the realization pass over Cas’ face, an amusing mix of arousal and adoration.  Cas leans in and kisses him deeply.

“You want me inside you?” he asks, and if that isn’t the sexiest thing Dean’s ever heard.  In response, Dean leans in and grinds his hips into Cas’ erection, allowing his actions to do what his words can’t.  The groan that escapes Cas vibrates through Dean, and he’s splayed on his back before he even has a chance to register that Cas is flipping him.  Cas leaves for a brief moment, grabbing a condom and lube out of the suitcase before returning to Dean, his lips working a steady line down his chest and stomach.  

Maybe it’s anticipation for what’s to come, maybe it’s Cas’ talented mouth licking down his skin, maybe it’s the hungry way Cas is looking at him, but Dean is, unexpectedly, starting to get hard again.  It’s his fastest recovery time ever, and as he moans at the realization, it seems to spur Cas into action.

He hears the snap of the lube opening, and Cas settles between Dean’s legs, lifting one up to his shoulder.  “Ready?” he purrs.  Dean nods, and then hisses as he feels something cold press against his entrance, sliding in slowly and gently.  Cas gives a few gentle licks to his half- hard erection, and Dean moans, the slight stimulation getting the blood flowing faster.  Cas is moving his finger now, and the sensation is distantly familiar, and pleasantly new to Dean.  His first, and last, time experiencing this happened quickly, no chance to prepare himself.  The burn this time was welcome as he feels the pressure from Cas sliding in a second finger.  The small licks and kisses along his arousal have him at full hardness, and he’s too distracted by the thought of having a second orgasm to feel any pain.

Dean fully appreciates just how skilled Cas is as he works him open with little to no pain, his mouth teasing at his arousal in just the right way.  A third finger slips inside and Dean moves down into Cas’ hand, a need building in him for more.  Cas crooks his fingers slightly and hot sparks surge through Dean’s nerves, his fingers gripping the sheets white knuckled.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he gasps, and Cas hums, pleased with himself.  He repeats the motion again and again, Dean’s hips rolling uncontrollably into Cas’ touches, a stream of curses and moans escaping him with every twitch of Cas' fingers.  When Cas is satisfied Dean’s been opened enough, he leans back, eyes drinking in the sight of Dean below him, and Dean feels a good kind of exposed.  Cas rips the condom open with his teeth, sliding it on quickly.

"Roll over, babe," he breathes, sliding back to give Dean the space.  Dean does as he's told, shifting so he's on his hands and knees, trying to keep from trembling with anticipation.  Cas gently runs his hands over Dean's body, lowering him onto his elbows, arching his back, spreading his knees.  “Want this to be good for you,” Cas purrs, and Dean relaxes, letting him move Dean how he’d like, trusting him completely.  After a few moments, Cas seems to be satisfied with his work, moving into position behind Dean.  Dean feels two of Cas' fingers slide inside him again, and he moves into Cas’ touch, a drawn out moan dropping from his lips.

" _Cas_ ,...so good..." Dean doesn't care that it comes out as a whine, because Cas' fingers went straight back to stroking his prostate, sending shock after shock through Dean's system.  He works at Dean just a few moments longer before pulling away, then Dean feels his hands rubbing his back soothingly as Cas starts pushing into him.  Dean draws in a shuddering breath, any pain he feels overwhelmed by the thought that _Cas was inside him_.  Once he's buried to the hilt, Cas falls forward, his sweaty forehead resting against Dean's shoulder.

"You're perfect, baby, so fucking perfect," Cas purrs, his breath hot against Dean's skin.  He sits up and slowly starts to move, one hand caressing the curve of his spine, the other gripping his hip.  Dean can't stop the noises escaping his throat, and cries out unashamedly as the hand on his hip slips around his waist and grabs hold of his erection.  

"Ungh, _Cas_...baby..." Dean's back arches, and Cas slams into his prostate, a sharp cry flying from Dean's lips.  Cas is moving fast and steady, his hand pressed to Dean's back to keep his hips at just the right angle, and Dean is lost in it.  He has no sense of time, of self, he's totally giving himself to the pleasure Cas is pulling from him, building and building until there's nothing but warm white light washing over and through him.

He comes back to himself slowly to find he's collapsed onto the bed, feeling Cas’ arm wrapped around his chest, his body curled tight against his back, still buried in him.  He can feel his second release against his stomach where he lies on the sheets, but can't bring himself to move.

"Dean?" Cas sighs, still out of breath.

"Mm?"

"You alright?"

"Perfect," Dean sighs, wincing as Cas pulls out, feeling strangely empty.  His eyes are closed, holding onto the blissful afterglow, and he hears Cas go to the bathroom before he feels hands cleaning his backside, rolling him over to clean his stomach.  He squints and eye open, sees a small smile on Cas’ face, his skin shining and flushed.  Dean grabs him, tossing the cloth he was using on the ground and pulling him into bed.

"Dean-" Cas starts to protest, but Dean gives him a messy kiss, and Cas just sighs, letting Dean wrap them up in the blanket.  

"I love you," he whispers as sleep overtakes him.

“I love you, so much,” Cas whispers back.

 

When Dean woke up the next morning, he was alone in bed.  Cas was moving around the room, packing up their things, already showered and dressed.  Dean grunts as he stretches, feeling pleasantly sore.

“How long have you been up?” he asks, sitting up.  Cas shrugs, checking the drawers and making sure they’re empty.  

“I didn’t look, but the sun wasn’t up, so a while.”  His voice is calm, but the fact that Cas had been up that long wasn’t a good sign.  Hanging over both of their heads today is the fact that they’re going home, that this time they shared together was coming to an end.  

“Guess I better get up, then,” Dean sighs.  He climbs out of bed slowly, his legs still not quite working properly, and made his way to the shower.  He sets the temperature as high as he can tolerate, and just stands under the water for a while, letting it wash over him and trying to send his anxious mood with it.  He knows they’ll be okay, deep down he knows it with every fiber of his being, but Cas’ brothers were fresh on Dean’s mind now.  Dean was scared, plain and simple, but not for himself.  He didn’t want Cas to suffer any more from his brothers’ abuse, yet he has no idea how to stop that from happening.   Eventually Cas would have to face his family, and Dean just hoped he would be ready when it happened.

“You alright in there?” Cas called gently through the door.  

“Yeah, just… thinking.”  Dean calls, getting washed as quickly as he could.  He climbs out, wrapping up in a towel and handing Cas his shower supplies to pack up.

“I figured we’d just grab breakfast on the way out today,” Cas said softly, drying off the bottles and packing them up in the suitcase.  

“Cas-”

“It’s alright, Dean.  I’m good,” Cas interrupts, smiling at him.  “Really, after last night, how could I not be?” he hums, winking at Dean.

“Glad you had a good time,” Dean goes along with the jest, shooting Cas a playful wink, walking back to the bathroom to finish drying off.  Cas brings him some clothes as Dean finishes brushing his teeth, setting them on the counter.  Dean grabs his wrist as he turns to leave, pulling him in and hugging him tightly.  Cas gives in, wrapping his arms around Dean’s back and holding him close.

“You’re stalling,” Cas mutters against his shoulder, but making no move to pull away.

“I just want to enjoy every last moment we have, is that too much to ask?”

“Really, it’s not like we’re never going to see each other again,” Cas laughed.  “What’s happening in your head?” he asked, leaning his head back for a kiss.  Dean took a deep breath, hoping he didn’t look as worried as he felt.

“I don’t know, Cas.  I feel like this week was just too perfect.  I’m scared to go back, I’m scared of what might change.”  Cas’ smile fades, and his eyes grow thoughtful.

“I’m not going to say things won’t change,” he says slowly.  “We’ve got some things to figure out, I know that.  We’ve both got lives to get back to.”  He laughed softly.  “I know that conversation I had with Gabriel is going to come back and bite me in the ass.  But this,” he places his hand on Dean’s chest, then on his, “this part won’t change.  Okay?  We’ll get through this together.”  Dean nods, finally releasing his hold on him.

“Okay, Cas.”  He gets one final squeeze from Cas’ hand before he walks away to let Dean get dressed.

For the first couple hours of the drive Cas continued to play with the pictures they’d taken, the laptop sitting in his lap as Dean drove them back north, smiling to himself.  

“Why did you let me take so many pictures?” Cas laughed, “I’m running out of memory space on the computer.”

“Hey, I didn’t ‘let’ you do anything, you hardly put that camera down,” Dean laughed.  Cas sighed softly, and Dean chanced a glance over at Cas, who was looking wistfully at the screen.  He reached over to squeeze Cas’ shoulder.  “There’s going to be plenty more trips like this, Cas,” Dean assured him.

“I know, it’s just… this is our first one.”  There’s something in Cas’ voice, and Dean can’t quite put his finger on it.  He reaches down, closing the laptop, blindly grabbing for it and setting it in the backseat.  “Dean, what-?”  Dean grabs Cas and pulls him in, pressing a blind kiss to his temple.  “Eyes on the road,” Cas laughs, though he gives in to Dean’s pull and lays down, resting his head on Dean’s thigh, looking up at him.

“You’re just so sexy, it’s hard to keep my eyes off you, babe,” Dean teases.  He runs his free hand through Cas’ hair, tugging at the dark locks fondly.  They drive in silence, Cas eventually falling asleep where he lay.  Dean’s hand rests on Cas’ chest, feeling his heart beating under his fingers.  

Dean almost laughs, because the rhythm of the heart under his hand is the same as the one in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooooo???
> 
> Come on guys, leave me some comments, some Kudos, send your friends!! 
> 
> You make this whole struggle worth it!!


	22. Keep Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going to start by apologizing for this taking so long to update. 
> 
> Then I'm going to apologize in advance for the next few chapters. I know a lot of you may have seen this coming, but it doesn't make it any easier.
> 
> Your comments are fuel for my fire, and now that I'm through the rough stuff (written two chapters ahead of this one) hopefully they'll keep coming and get me motivated to post a bit faster!! Even if you think this is the worst thing ever, I just want some feed back guys!!
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone! And to all my regulars (you know who you are) just stick with me okay? It gets better!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 22: Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gcrx2Ab0FM  
> You're not alone, together we stand  
> I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand  
> When it gets cold and it feels like the end  
> There's no place to go, you know I won't give in  
> No I won't give in
> 
> [Chorus]  
> Keep holding on  
> 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
> Just stay strong  
> 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
> There's nothing you could say  
> Nothing you could do  
> There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
> So keep holding on  
> 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
> 
> So far away, I wish you were here  
> Before it's too late, this could all disappear  
> Before the doors close and it comes to an end  
> With you by my side I will fight and defend  
> I'll fight and defend  
> Yeah, yeah
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> Hear me when I say, when I say I believe  
> Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny  
> Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly  
> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
> 
> La da da da, La da da da  
> La da da da da da da da da
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> Keep holding on, Keep holding on
> 
> There's nothing you could say  
> Nothing you could do  
> There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
> So keep holding on  
> 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Any worries Dean had about their relationship changing now that they were home were quickly quieted, as he and Cas slipped back into their old routine, going back to work and taking turns sleeping over at each other’s houses.  The only change from before their trip to now is they’re no longer dodging Charlie and Sam’s questions and visits, no more secrets to hide.  Dean gets to have Sam over when Cas is visiting, and Charlie visits Cas more often as well.  To Dean’s amazement and utter delight, Sam and Cas seem to have hit it off, becoming friends very quickly, and even Jess has taken a strong liking to Cas.  Castiel can't seem to stop smiling, being a part of Dean's small but caring group of friends and family is doing him worlds of good.  Even Jo starts to come around.  She was distant at first, avoiding Dean when he’d go visit Ellen, but after a time, she started talking to Dean again, like nothing had changed, culminating in her hugging Cas a few weeks after they got back, apologizing to him when they’re all over at Charlie’s for dinner.  Cas goes back to working mostly nights, and Dean still works days, but when he’s lying in bed half asleep and he feels Cas' arms slide around him after Cas gets off work, his warmth pressed against him, it’s enough for Dean.  

Sundays are Dean's favorite.  

Sundays they're both off, which means late mornings laying in bed, sharing soft kisses, making love to each other so slow and gentle it almost makes Dean cry.  On Sunday they also go out to lunch or dinner with either Sam and Jess or Charlie and Thia, or sometimes all six of them get together, telling stories and laughing for hours.

For three months, Dean lives a life he never thought he’d have, a domestic, happy, oddly peaceful life.  Sometimes at night, Dean still wakes up uneasy and nervous, a vague and unremembered dream leaving him with a racing heart and clammy skin.  But every time, he looks over and sees Cas sleeping beside him, or feels his hands soothingly tracing the curve of his back, that feeling is chased away, and forgotten by the time the sun comes up.

 

Summer is in full swing, and Dean’s kept busy at the shop, tourists coming for camping trips keeping Singer’s Supplies hopping.  He doesn't even realize it's coming up on the Fourth of July until Rufus reminds him that it's a week out and they need to order some simple firecrackers and sparklers.  He’s forced into staying almost two hours later than usual, and since it’s Monday, he doesn’t expect Cas until later.  When Dean gets home, he's not totally surprised to see Sam, it's a Monday night and it wasn't unusual for his brother to come over for dinner while Jess worked at the hospital.  

What is unusual is Cas is already there, sitting next to Sam at the kitchen table.  

"Hey guys," Dean says, his confusion momentarily replaced by the warm glow he gets when Cas smiles at him.

"Hey, Dean.  Late day at the shop?" Sam asks.

"Had to order some stuff for the Fourth," Dean grunts, numbers still running through his head.  "You're off early, Cas," he pointed out, kicking off his shoes

"There's a private party, some of Crowley's friends and relatives, so I'm off the hook for tonight," Cas says happily, standing to give Dean a small hug hello.  It was one of Dean's unspoken rules, one Cas managed to pick up on rather quickly: no cutesy PDA in front of Sam.  Not that it bothered Sam seeing them together, Dean just knew Sam would be merciless in his teasing if they ever did too much in his presence.

"I was thinking we could have a guys night, watch some testosterone filled movies, eat pizza," Sam said easily, and Dean was suddenly on edge.  Sam was a bit too casual, he knew his brother too well to ignore the forced sound in his voice.

"Yeah, sure... Let me get changed," Dean says, keeping his face casual and walking back to his bedroom.  Something was going on, and Sam was attempting to keep it from Dean, even though for all Dean knew it wasn't anything bad.  Still, years of old habit made his stomach sink, and he made himself pause, leaning against the dresser to collect himself and push away the nervous tension.  He pulls off his sweaty clothes from the shop, pulling on a fresh shirt and jeans, stopping in the bathroom to reapply deodorant.

"Dean?" Cas called, walking in the bedroom.

"Yeah, Cas?" he answered, walking out of the bathroom.  Cas walked up and pressed his lips into Dean's hard, stealing a kiss while Sam couldn't see.  Dean allowed himself to enjoy it, leaning into Cas and deepening the kiss for a brief moment before pulling back.  "What was that for?" he asked, smiling.

"No reason," Cas said with a smile of his own, wrapping his arm tightly around Dean’s waist.  Dean presses a soft kiss against his temple.

“Is everything okay, Cas?” he asks, Sam’s casual attitude apparently still bothering him.  Cas tilts his head slightly, still smiling as he squints up at Dean in confusion.

“Yeah… why?”  Dean takes a deep breath, kissing Cas briefly before smiling at him.  When Cas was smiling at him like that, it made it hard to worry about anything.

"C'mon, don't want to make Sam suspicious," Dean said, turning towards his bedroom door.

"Guys, pizza's here!" Sam calls from the kitchen.  Cas hurries past Dean.

“If we want any, we better get to it first!” he laughs as he rushes by.  Dean just laughs, following him out.

 

Guys night turned out to be a lot of fun, regardless of Sam’s ulterior motives, and Dean appreciated it after the long day he had.  They watched Fight Club, Cas had never seen it and the only time Dean had was under the influence of a large amount of alcohol, which meant he had no clue what had happened by the end.  Dean allowed his fingers to find the back of Cas' neck as the movie played, running through the short hair there of their own volition.  Cas leaned into the touch, and if Sam noticed the goofy smiles on their faces he didn't say anything, for which Dean was grateful.  Cas seemed highly confused once the move ended, and Sam ended up explaining almost the entire movie to him all over again.  Dean shifted on the couch where he was sitting next to Cas, turning to face the both of them, Cas on the couch and Sam where he sat across the room in the arm chair.  Dean smiled, watching them talk and laugh, his arm dropping back to his side to brush Cas’ hand on the couch.

Over the last few months, his brother and Cas had talked a lot, the two of them easily forming a close friendship.  Cas already knew about Sam's life growing up since it was basically the same as Dean's, and he told Sam in bits and pieces some of his similar experiences in life.  Sometimes they talked about investments and real estate, conversations that went way over Dean's head, but mostly it was just easy conversation between friends.

Dean dismissed himself to go to the bathroom, and when he came back, he paused before walking into view.  Cas and Sam were speaking in whispers, but it was still just loud enough for Dean to hear.

“He’s going to think we’re hiding it on purpose, we should probably tell him,” Cas whispered.

“It’s your choice, just know he’s probably not going to take it well,” Sam said quietly.  Dean stepped back into the living room.

"What's going on?" he asked, his stomach getting nervous butterflies.  Both of them jumped a little, Sam looking guilty and Cas’ face serious.  After a few moments of silent conversation between the two, Cas turned and gestured for Dean to sit next to him.

"I called Sam here on purpose.  I needed some legal advice," he said calmly.  Dean frowned, continuing to stand behind the couch.

"Advice on what?"

“Come sit,” Cas insisted.

“I’m good,” Dean said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest.  Sam and Cas exchanged another glance, and Cas turned to Dean, his face determined.

"Michael is refusing to give me my portion of my father's estate," he says matter-of-factly.   Dean blinked at him, totally caught off guard by not only the problem itself, but Cas' dismissive explanation.  Like he was just telling Dean what time it was, like it wasn't important at all.

"Why didn't you say anything?  When did this happen?!" Dean said sharply.  Cas gestured for Dean to sit again, and this time he did, grudgingly.

"It's only been a couple days.  I was supposed to receive my share when the restructuring of Novak Enterprises was finished.  Now that my father is officially "deceased" and not "missing", the Board members and my brothers did a bit of reshuffling."  Dean winced at the casual way Cas was talking about his Dad’s passing, but moved past it.

"You've been back from Mexico for months now, how long does ‘restructuring’ take?" he asked.  Cas laughed, humorlessly.

"We own a lot of property, small companies, and handle a lot of money.  I'm surprised it took as short a time as it did."  Sam seems to notice Dean's confusion, so he steps in.

“It’s not uncommon, Dean.  For large companies like Novak Enterprises, when someone high ranking leaves, they like to move people around up top, managers and such, for a variety of business reasons.  The bigger the company, the longer the process.”

“But it’s been four months!” Dean insisted.  This was all a bit over his head, and with his long day at work his head was swimming.

"Crowley got his paperwork from the company last week, announcing the new management structure and changes, so the estate should have been settled no later than Wednesday," Cas pointed out.  Dean shook his head, like it would help him sort the information out better.

"Why didn't you talk to me about this?" Dean asked.  "Are you okay?"  He runs a hand over Cas' cheek, feeling like he should have seen that something was wrong.  Cas managed a smile, small and a bit strained, but a smile all the same.  He took hold of the hand against his face, lowering it to his lap and squeezing tightly.

"It's a little painful, knowing that even now my brothers are still acting like children, but I don't care about the money, not really.  I just..." he looks down, his fingers squeezing Dean’s tightly.  

"How much money?" Dean asks before he can stop himself.  He's curious, even though they established early on Cas didn't like talking about his wealth, and Dean didn't usually ask.  But this time it seemed more relevant.

"Dean, it's not important."  Cas dismisses the question, shifting uncomfortably on the couch.  

“How much?” he asks again, his brow furrowing.  Cas meets his eyes, almost looking guilty, and as he opens his mouth to speak, Sam cuts in.

"It's more the fact that legally they can't hold it from him," Sam interjects.  Dean looks over at his brother, not missing the purposeful change in topic, or Cas’ exhale.  He takes a few deep breaths, letting his brain catch up.  He knew they had been lucky to have three months and not hear anything from Cas' brothers.  Gabriel seemed to be keeping his word about defending him so far, but Dean knew it would only have been a matter of time till they were a problem again.  He knew this happy domestic life he’d been living wouldn’t last forever, he just didn’t want to think about it.

"So?" Dean huffed, looking at his brother.  Sam blinked at him for a moment.

“So… what?”

“Can he do anything about this?” Dean asked.  Sam ran his hand over his jaw, thinking.

"Yeah, I guess.  It just depends on how hard he wants to fight for it."  The brothers look to Cas, who just shrugs.

"Like I said, money isn't important to me.  I have plenty as it is.  This... This isn't about the money," Cas finished with a sigh.  Dean frowned.

"Then what is it about?" he asked, looking at Sam expectantly.  To his surprise his brother looked easily as confused.

"It's a bit personal," Cas said quietly, dropping his gaze to the carpet.  Dean is about to object, then looks over at Sam, realizing Cas had something on his mind he didn’t want Sam to know about.  Dean pauses, trying to come up with a non rude way to tell him to leave, but his brother beats him to it.  Sam has a small smile on his face, pushing the ottoman out of his way so he could stand.

"It's alright, Cas."  He looks down at his watch.  "I better get going anyway, Jess will be home soon," he points out.

“Thank you, Sam,” Cas says quietly, standing as well and reaching out to shake his hand.  In spite of his unease, Dean manages a small smile for his brother.

"I'm glad you two get along," he says gruffly.  Cas shrugs.

"I was just hoping to get some embarrassing stories out of Sam about you.”  Cas pauses, then winks at Dean, “Which I have, by the way."  Dean shoots a glare at Sam.

" _Really_?!" He scoffs.  Sam just laughs.

"Hey, I'm the little brother, it's my job."  

" _It's my job_ ," Dean mocks Sam, in a whiny voice, feeling the tips of his ears turn pink.  Sam and Castiel just laugh at him as he pretends to storm into the kitchen to clean up their leftovers, muttering.  Cas shows Sam out, and when the door closes, Dean feels his nerves settle back in his stomach.  By the time Cas has made it from the door back to the kitchen, Dean’s easy smile has faded.

"Dean?" he says quietly.  

"I don't get it." Dean says, keeping his back to Cas as he puts the last plate in the sink.

"Don't get what?"

"Why you're not angry," Dean sighs.  There it is, what's really been bothering him since he found out about this.  "They're cheating you out of something that's not only rightfully yours but something your Dad left for you."

"Dean, I don't care-"

"Well maybe you should!" Dean snaps.  He's getting angry on Cas' behalf now, and it doesn’t sit well with him.  Cas stiffens slightly.

"You know how I said this was personal?  It’s a battle of wills.  Michael is just proving to me he's my better, if I let it be, he'll relent.  Just give it time."  Cas sounds so small, so different, it makes Dean turn to face him.  Was this what Cas was like before he met him?  Timid and resigned?  Dean didn't like it.

"So stand up to him!" Dean said sharply.  His voice was a bit louder than normal, but he needed to get through to Cas.  "Show him you're not going to just roll over and take this!"

"I have to just wait this out, I don’t have a choice!" Cas snapped back. "You don't understand..."

"What don't I understand?  Tell me because all I'm seeing is you letting your brother do whatever he wants at your expense.  You’re better than this, Cas."  Dean's arms are crossed, he's trying to reel in his anger because he knows Cas isn't the one he should be yelling at.

"I'm the reason this is happening in the first place."  Cas was getting frustrated, Dean could see his brow furrowing, the scrunch of his shoulders.

"The hell did you do other than exist?" Dean scoffed.

"You don't know my brother!" Cas shouted.  Dean was struck silent.  "This?  This is him getting back at me for Mexico.  I tried to stand up for myself, tried to tell him I didn't agree with him.  I tried to tell him I…” Cas trails off, sounding defeated, and it starts to hurt Dean’s heart.  “I made the mistake of speaking my mind, and I know this is his punishment."  Cas has angry tears in his eyes.  "All they've ever done is hate me, so any excuse I give them to hurt me, they take it.  Sometimes it’s petty things like this, sometimes it’s crueler."

"Cas, don't.... I'm..." Dean feels awful.  Cas blinks away his tears, clearing his throat. his eyes finding his feet.

"Do you have any idea, _any_ idea how terrified I am, every day?  You are the first really good thing to happen to me, and I'm so scared they're going to..."  He didn't realize until that moment how much Cas’ conversation with Gabriel must have bothered him.  Dean had been so wrapped up in his own worry and stress about Cas’ family he hadn’t stopped to see what it was doing to Cas himself.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Dean said quietly, his arms uncrossing and hanging limply at his side.  "Why were you carrying this on your own for three months?"

"Because I didn't want you to worry.  I don't want you to have attacks all the time because of me."  It's physically hurting Dean seeing Cas like this, so he closes the distance between them and reaches out, lifting Cas’ chin and wiping the tears off his face.  

"I'm here to help you, babe.  I can't do that if you won't let me."  After a moment’s hesitation, Cas' will crumbles and he falls into Dean’s arms, burying his face in Dean’s neck.  He feels Cas’ body shudder from suppressed sobs, and he feels helpless, knowing that nothing he can say or do can erase a lifetime of abuse.  So he just stands there, letting Cas cry into his shoulder, holding him tightly and humming softly until he calms down.  “I’m sorry,” Dean says softly.  “I’m sorry I got upset.”

“No, I should have told you.  I was just hoping this would all blow over before I had to.”  Cas’ voice is small, hoarse from crying and Dean kisses the top of his head, trying to lift some of that pain.

“I don’t want you to think you can’t come to me with this stuff,” he mumbles into his hair.

“I know, Dean.”  Cas sighs, pulling back and giving him a kiss on the cheek.  He walks out of the kitchen, and Dean leans on the counter, trying to wrap his head around what just happened.  He had a bad feeling still, he knew this was probably going to get worse before it got better, and he hated that it bothered him so much.  He needed to be there for Cas, and he couldn’t do that if he was unable to handle himself.  

After chasing the same thoughts around his head for a good fifteen minutes, he gives in and heads towards the bedroom.  Cas was in the bathroom, dressed for bed in a t-shirt and pajamas, just standing in front of the mirror, zoned out.  After stripping down to his boxer briefs, Dean tapped on the door, and Cas jumped, flushing and looking down at the sink.

“You sure you’re okay?” Dean asked again.  He sure as hell didn’t look okay, his eyes still red from crying earlier, a tired slump to his shoulders.

“I don’t know,” he says simply, and it scares Dean a little.  His gaze falls to Cas’ forearms, and the crucifix on his skin.  “It’s strange,” Cas continues, “for my brothers, this bit with the money is pretty tame, yet for some reason…” he trails off, walking past Dean and climbing into bed before continuing.  “I don’t know, I guess this is the first time I have someone else to worry about.”  

“I can take care of myself,” Dean says gently.  Cas pulls the blanket up to his chin, glancing at Dean over his shoulder.

“I know, but I still worry,” he says softly.  Dean turns off the light and sits in bed, leaning against the headboard.  The silence that hangs between them this time isn’t the comfortable one Dean is used to.

“Are we okay?” he asks into the dark room.  He hates his insecurity, but he knows he needs to hear Cas say it.  He needs to know that this argument, this bad feeling isn’t coming between them.  He feels the bed move, then a warm body press against his, Cas’ head resting against his chest, and he lets out a heavy sigh.

“We’re definitely okay,” Cas breathes against his skin, wrapping his arm around Dean tightly.  “Next time anything happens, I promise you’ll be the first to know.  I’ve learned my lesson.”  Dean wraps both arms around him, pulling Cas tight against him.

“What lesson was that?”

“That we’re in this together now.  That no matter how big or little the problem, I’m no longer alone.”  Cas says softly.  

“I love you, baby,” Dean whispers.  “I love you so fucking much.”  Cas sits up, his eyes small blue lights in the dark bedroom as they meet Dean’s.

“I love you,” he whispers back.  He leans in and kisses Dean softly.  “Don’t ever doubt that, no matter what.”  Dean runs his hand over Cas’ cheek.

“Never,” he agrees.  Cas kisses him again, then lays back down, snuggling up against Dean’s chest.  Dean kisses the top of his head as he slides down onto his pillows, tucking them in under the blanket.  It doesn’t take very long before Cas is asleep, breathing deeply against Dean’s chest.  Dean tries to relax, but he can’t turn his brain off.  Cas’ comments about how scared he is of his brothers have set Dean’s brain on a spiral of horrible ‘what ifs’, and he can’t seem to stop it.  It takes a couple hours before he falls into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for my boys! They're going to need all your support guys in the coming chapters, and I will too!! T^T
> 
> Thank you for reading! Send your friends, send your enemies, and COMMENTS!! XD


	23. A Thousand Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologize. Humbly, on my hands and knees.
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, once I got past this chapter I started writing like crazy, so I have five more chapters written with more on the way. XD To my loyal readers: your comments give me such joy and inspiration, even when you're yelling at me for this chapter ;). Tell your friends, share my story, and as a reward I'll try and post two chapters over the next couple days!! :3 Love you guys!!!
> 
> The trigger warning has some small spoilers in it, but I don't want anything to be a surprise for anyone. This chapter is a bit shorter than some of the others, just because of the natural way it ended. I didn't want to force more into this chapter than I had to.
> 
> Give me these two chapters, then we'll get back to the fluffy stuff, I promise!!  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> ~*~*TRIGGER WARNING*~*~  
> Nightmare involving self- harm scars and blood, disturbing images, abusive language, sexuality shaming, reference to self harm, shaming because of self harm, anxiety, dis-owning family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 23: A Thousand Words- Savage Garden  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CACXDs5VVEo  
> We stumble in a tangled web, decaying friendships almost dead  
> And hide behind a mask of lies  
> We twist and turn and we avoid, all hope of salvage now devoid  
> I see the truth inside your eyes  
> So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again  
> I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...  
> I'll say the words out loud 
> 
> [chorus:]  
> You could resurrect a thousand words  
> To deceive me more and more  
> A thousand words will give the reasons  
> Why I don't need you anymore 
> 
> Time manipulates your heart, preconceptions torn apart  
> Begin to doubt my state of mind  
> But I won't go down on what I said I won't retract convictions read  
> I may perplex, but I'm not blind  
> So take all this noise into your brain and send it back again  
> I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...  
> I'll say the words out loud 
> 
> [chorus ]
> 
> I'll say the words out loud.  
> I'll say a thousand words or more 
> 
> Manipulation. Fabrication. Conversation. Annihilation  
> I'll say a thousand words or more  
> Damnation. Frustration. Elevation. Procreation.  
> I'll say a thousand words or more 
> 
> [repeat chorus]

_Dean was looking for someone, because something important was happening.  He felt constricted in his movements, and looking down, he realized he was wearing a tux.  He turned a corner and saw Cas, also wearing a tux, and Dean's momentary relief at finding him turned to fear as he got closer.  His three brothers were standing behind him, glaring down at Dean._

_"Cas?"  He asked.  Cas turned to him, but his face was empty, void of all emotion, his normally bright blue eyes dull, almost grey.  Raphael walked up to Cas, ripping off his tux jacket and dress shirt, throwing them to the floor, exposing Cas' scars._

_"You will never have him, not really.  He will always belong to us." Michael said.  Gabriel turned his back to Dean._

_"Cas, baby I love you," Dean pleaded.  Cas just stood there, his empty eyes looking through Dean.  The scars along Cas' skin are suddenly bright red, and horrified, Dean looks on, frozen, as they begin to bleed, running down his torso and arms, dripping from his fingers to the floor.  He turns away from Dean, and the wing scars on his back unfold into actual wings, feathers oozing blood, red rivulets running down his back..._

 

"Dean! Dean!!" Cas' voice was panicked, his hands shaking Dean to wake him.  Dean’s eyes snap open, and he can feel a cold sweat all over, his heart racing in his chest.  It takes him a moment to get out of the dream and recognize his surroundings as Cas’ bedroom, familiar in the soft light slipping through his blinds.  He looks over at Cas in the bed next to him, his eyes and hands running over the his chest and arms.  No blood, they’re still just thin white lines, and he breathes a sigh of relief, coming down off his adrenaline rush.  Cas seems a bit taken aback by Dean’s attention to his scars, shying away from his probing fingers, so Dean scoots to the edge of the bed, giving Cas his space back.  They sit still in the silence for a moment as Dean clears the sleep and the bile out of his throat, wiping at his damp forehead, his feet dangling over the side of the mattress.  “Are you alright?” Cas asks, confused and a bit rattled.  Dean can’t even turn to look at him.

"Sorry, bad dream," Dean grunts, getting up and heading towards the bathroom without further explanation.  He needed a shower, even though he’d just taken one before bed, his skin crawling from the image of Cas covered in blood.  He hadn’t had that vivid of a nightmare in months, not since he and Cas started spending nearly every night together.  He emptied his bladder and climbed into the hot water, and had just managed to soap himself up when he heard Cas come in the bathroom.

“Dean? You sure you’re okay?” he asked quietly through the shower door.  Cas’ shower was large enough for eight people, and even though they’d shared the shower on numerous occasions before, Dean still felt wrong, felt dirty in some way.  His irrational mind doesn’t want to corrupt Cas with his thoughts, so this time he doesn’t open the shower door in invitation, leaving it closed between them, like he had so many times recently.

“Yeah,” he sighed, forcing himself to sound calm.  “I’m alright, Cas.”  Cas didn’t say anything and Dean heard him leave the bathroom.  He had a feeling Cas didn't believe him.  He finished his shower scrubbing hard till his skin was pink and flushed, washing the nightmare off him and down the drain, stepping out and getting dressed to the smell of bacon coming from the kitchen.  Glancing at his phone, he realized it was after 8am, so at least he hadn’t woken Cas in the middle of the night.  He walked out to find Cas at the stove, scrambled eggs in one pan, some bacon in the other.  He’d put on one of his long sleeve shirts, to protect against the bacon splatter, and as much as Dean hates himself for thinking it, he’s glad he can’t see Cas’ scars at the moment, the fear still too fresh.  

It had been a week since Cas told Dean about the money situation.  Dean may not have liked it, but he agreed to just let Cas wait out his brothers like he wanted, since he had no desire to stir the pot any more than necessary and draw attention to them.  Cas went on like everything was fine, going to work and coming home with little change.  Dean, on the other hand... Dean wasn't doing as well.  He spent most of his shifts at work hiding in the office, and when he came home to an empty house or apartment, he felt relief, because for a few hours, he could let out his panic and not have to hide it.  In some ways, he was starting to dread Cas coming home from work, because he didn't want him to know just how bad Dean was.  They hadn’t shared any type of intimacy over that week either, either Dean’s guilt would weigh too heavy on him, or the struggle to keep calm through the day would wear him out to the point of exhaustion.  Dean had no idea if Cas could tell something was wrong, because while he hadn’t said anything, the ease and simplicity they’d always shared wasn’t quite there anymore.  He sat down at the table with a sigh, watching Cas finish up with their food.  

“Happy Fourth,” Cas said calmly as he served Dean breakfast.  He leaned in and gave Dean a soft kiss on the cheek before sitting down across from him.  The small gesture told Dean Cas wasn’t upset, just concerned, and it eased some of his tension.

“Happy Fourth,” Dean replied, scooping up some eggs.  The past two days were crazy at the shop, people gearing up for barbeques and fireworks, and even with all hands on deck, Dean worked open to close both days.  As a thanks to his employees, and as a favor to himself, he closed the shop on the Fourth, letting everyone take a breather.  On the flip side of that coin, Cas had to work that entire afternoon and evening at the Angels and Demons bonfire, much to Cas’ annoyance.  From what little Dean had gathered about the bonfire, Crowley had basically planned the whole event, and while Cas said he was perfectly fine, there was something off about him.  Dean wanted to believe Cas wasn’t lying to him, but at the same time he couldn’t shake the strange feeling in his gut.  It was probably why he had the nightmare, a week’s worth of worry bursting forth in his subconscious.

“Do you wanna talk about your dream?” Cas asked gently, keeping his voice low and soothing.  For a brief moment Dean wondered if Cas was reading his thoughts, he always seemed to know what was going on in Dean’s head before he did.  Dean took a deep breath, looking up into his boyfriend’s concerned blue eyes, trying to keep as calm as Cas was.

“I don’t know, Cas.  It’s uh… this one was pretty bad.”   _Understatement._

“Like ‘you need a drink’ kind of bad?” Cas asked, no accusation in his voice, just concern.  Dean dropped his gaze to the table, shame dusting his cheeks pink.  In a way he was grateful Cas just knew, he understood how every time Dean had a panic attack, or a really bad dream, that alcohol used to be his go to solution. He'd perfected heading off his anxiety, drinking preemptively to avoid a full blown panic.  Being sober was letting all his baggage back in, everything he hadn't dealt with in the past eight years, and while he was beyond happy he was sober now, sometimes the itch would come.  The itch to give it all up and just drown himself to make it go away.  The past week has been the worst in a long time.  He felt Cas’ hands on his shoulders, so lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice him standing up.

“I’m alright, just a little shaken up,” Dean sighed, leaning into Cas’ arms.  Cas kissed the top of his head, that small gesture sending warmth through him.  Dean had missed these small touches, his stress had been keeping him distant from Cas, and he didn't even realize it.

“I know it’s been a rough week, for both of us,” Cas said, confirming Dean’s suspicions that something was off about Cas as well.  “But remember what we said.  We’re in this together.  We’ll get through it, I know we will.”  Dean leans his head back, and Cas bends down and kisses him softly, Dean feeling the comfort flow through Cas’ lips.  There’s a small smile on his face and Dean can’t help the twitch at the corner of his mouth.

“When I’m ready, I’ll tell you.  I promise," he says quietly, and Cas nods in understanding.  Now that his stress has leveled out for the morning, he’s about to ask Cas what his plans are leading up to the bonfire, but Cas’ phone rings.  He pulls it out of his pocket and the smile disappears as his face goes pale.

“Cas, what is it?” Dean asks, turning in the chair to face him.  He doesn’t say, just slides his thumb across the screen to answer, stepping away from Dean.

“Gabriel?”  Dean’s heart drops into his feet.   _Oh_.  “What is it, you’re- I can hardly hear you……”  Cas’ face hardens.  “Both of them?  That’s a bit overkill…… Oh, God,...... I have been, like you said to, I just finished it yesterday…… You really think they’re…… I know, Gabe.  I’m okay, honestly…… We’ll be ready.”  He hangs up, staring at his phone like it’s a bomb about to go off, turning his back to Dean.  Dean wants to stand and walk over to Cas, but his legs won’t respond.

“Cas?  Baby, what’s going on?” Dean asks.  Cas turns back to Dean, like he’s just remembering he’s there, his face managing to look terrified and determined at the same time.

“Gabe was calling with a heads up.”  He walked back to the table, standing next to Dean and resting a hand on his shoulder.  “Michael and Raphael are on their way here.”  Dean’s insides turn cold, his shoulders tensing in fear.

“Here? Both of them?? Why?” Cas dropped to his knees, bringing himself eye level with Dean, making sure Dean’s locked onto him and not spiraling.  

“I’ve been, uh, preparing for this since last week,” he starts slowly, keeping his voice soft and low.  “‘I had a vague notion that something big was coming.  This whole money situation was way too petty for Michael, so I knew the other shoe would drop eventually.”  He pulled Dean’s face to him, kissing his forehead gently.  “And before you ask, the reason I didn’t tell you any of this was because there was nothing you could do but worry.  These are my demons, my family, I needed to do this on my own.”  There’s a strength in Cas’ voice that wasn’t usually there when he talked about his brothers.  Dean reached out, wrapping his hand around Cas’ bicep tightly.  Cas didn't realize that Dean was already worrying.

“Can you tell me now?” Dean asks softly.  He just needs Cas to keep talking, because his voice is keeping his anxiety at bay for the moment.  Cas hesitates, like he doesn’t want to tell him, but he seems to understand that Dean won’t stop asking.

“I’ve been moving my money around, from company accounts to private accounts.  Gabe warned me a few days ago that the accounts I used for Novak Entertainment were being accessed, and on a hunch he told me to pull everything out that was mine.  Neither of us were sure what was happening, but it seemed the safe thing to do.”  This was all going over Dean’s head a bit, and Cas must have seen it on his face.  “I took control personally over everything I own.  So all that’s left is this house and my business account.”  Dean blinked in surprise.

“Wait, your house?  You don’t own your house?!” he blurted.  Cas shook his head.

“I’ve basically been renting from Gabriel.”   Cas gestured around the kitchen.  “I own a decent amount of the contents of the house, my bedroom furniture, the kitchen equipment, but not all of this is technically mine.”  Dean pinched his nose, trying to understand.

“Why?  Why not get your own place?”  Cas’ eyes flash briefly, with something Dean didn’t quite understand.

“I never felt I needed to.”  He leaned in, running a hand over Dean’s arm, trying to calm him further.  Dean appreciated it, but he knew he was as calm as he was going to get.

“I just… what do you think your brothers are going to do?” he asked quietly.  Cas’ face fell slightly, and he worried at his bottom lip.

“I’m not sure Dean, but I’m more than ready this time.  Whatever they say or do, it won’t hurt me.  Not again.  I have my own wealth, I’m healthy, and I have an extraordinary man in my life who loves me.  They can’t take any of that away from me.”  Cas leans in and kisses him softly on the cheek before standing.  It’s a beautiful speech, and Dean desperately wants to believe it.  He wants to believe they’ll be okay, but he still can’t quiet the fear creeping up on him.  Dean watches him as Cas goes upstairs to shower and get dressed.  He sighs, realizing just how much he’s been riled up this past week, and while Cas is gone Dean texts Charlie and Sam, knowing he can’t face Cas’ brothers on his own.

_You, 9:46am:  Hey, guys.  Look, Cas’ brothers are on their way here, and we might need some moral support.  Just a heads up._

_Charlie, 9:47am: Brothers? As in plural?!_

_Sam, 9:48am: I can be there in ten minutes._

_You, 9:48am: Yes, Charlie, all three._

_You, 9:49am: Sam, I appreciate it, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea._

_Charlie, 9:50am: Holy Hell. Okay, I’ll clear my schedule for tonight._

_Sam, 9:50am: Don’t give a shit, Dean.  I’m coming._

_Charlie, 9:51am: You call me when you get a chance, okay?_

Dean was slightly overwhelmed by their support.    

_You, 9:52am: Thanks guys._

He walks upstairs slowly to find Cas is in the process of getting dressed.

“Sam says he’s on his way.  I told him he didn’t have to be here but he insisted.”  Cas gives Dean a small relieved smile.

“He’s more than welcome.  Maybe with a witness or two my brothers will be civil.”  He pulls on a blue button up, the one Dean’s told him numerous times is his favorite, and he takes his time doing up the buttons and pulling on a belt before turning to face Dean.  Dean drinks in the sight of him in that shirt, with his tight fitted dark blue jeans, his hair artfully in disarray.  Any other day and Dean would be working on removing all those clothes he had just finished putting on, but not today.  Cas meets his eyes, and in spite of all his speeches about being okay, Dean can see Cas is just as scared as he is.  Dean walks over, and Cas accepts him into his arms.

“I love you, baby,” Dean breathes, wishing he could say more, could articulate just how much he adores and depends on Cas.  Any further words get stuck in his throat, so he settles for burying his nose in Cas’ neck, holding him as tight as he can.

“I love you,” Cas replies, kissing his shoulder.  

They walk downstairs together hand in hand, sitting on the couch in the living room in silence, not moving or saying anything until Sam arrives just after 10:30.  As soon as Dean sees his brother’s tall frame making its way into the living room he immediately starts to feel a little better, maybe because now he knows for sure he and Cas aren’t alone in this.  Cas and Sam chat about some of their financial stuff that Dean only half understands, but he’s not really listening anyway.  He knows Sam is helping put Cas at ease, and Dean is grateful, even if it’s not helping him.  His stomach won’t calm down, and is on the verge of losing the small breakfast Dean managed to eat.  His nightmare seemed oddly prophetic, and no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it kept popping back into his mind, the bright red drops running down Cas’ chest vivid behind his eyelids.  Cas leans into Dean, in spite of Sam’s presence, to give him an anchor, and while it may not completely calm him down, it keeps him at a level buzz.  Dean’s running through his third set of breathing exercises when, around 1pm, there’s a forceful knock on the door.  

Dean’s stomach starts flipping around itself, and Cas goes pale, but his step as he walks to the door is determined.   _Oh, God, this is it,_ Dean thinks to himself.  Cas opens the door, and without even saying a word his three brothers push past him and inside the house.  Raphael is up front, a huge smirk on his face, which grows even larger when he sees Dean on the couch.

“Well, hello, Mr. Winchester,” he says, and the oily tone of voice makes Dean’s skin crawl.

“Shove it, Novak,” Dean spits, standing up, his fear briefly replaced with anger.  Sam stands with him, his hand on Dean’s shoulder.  Gabriel and Michael walk in behind Raphael, and Dean swallows hard at the guilty look on Gabriel’s face.

“Really, Castiel, is this how you let guests treat your family?” Raphael says, turning to his brother.  Cas walks past them, moving to stand between them and Dean.

“Dean isn’t a guest,” Cas says quietly to Raphael.  All three brothers’ eyebrows shoot up.  Even Dean’s a little surprised by Cas just coming out and saying that.  Cas doesn’t seem to notice any of this, his eyes are locked on his eldest brother.  Dean had never seen Michael in person before, he was tall, broad shouldered, intimidating, and handsome in his own way, the same dark hair as Castiel, the same blue eyes.  Michael’s hair was combed nicely, and his eyes were darker, less welcoming than Cas’, but the resemblance was still creepy.  Gabriel had the same hair and eyes as Raphael did, but his hair was longer, and his eyes weren’t so dead, though at the moment those eyes seemed achingly remorseful.

“Not a guest?” Raphael turns his sneer back on Dean.  “It’s bad enough you’re queer, Cas, but to stoop to such filth as him?”  

“I don’t remember it being any of your business,” Dean snapped, his anger overriding his fear.  Sam's grip tightens against Dean's shoulder, either holding him back or reminding him he was there, Dean wasn't sure which.

“That’s my brother, you asshole, that makes it my business," Raphael sneers taking a few steps towards Dean.  Dean’s muscles tense in anticipation but Raphael stops a short distance away.

“Leave him out of this,” Gabe sighed, wearily.  It seems to work, distracting Raphael enough to get him to turn away from Dean.

“You’ve always been a bit too opinionated, Gabriel.” Raphael snipped, walking back towards his brothers.

“Do I get a say in this?” Cas spoke up, aggravated.

“You really think it will matter?” Raphael asked.

“I’m going to make it matter.”  Cas’ eyes darted to Raphael then back to Michael.

“And how are you going to do that?”

“You don’t scare me-” Cas began.

“That’s not why we’re here, Raphael,” Michael says loudly, and silence falls over the room.  He doesn’t even spare Dean a glance, just takes a step closer to Castiel as Raphael moves to flank him.  Gabriel is standing out of the way, back towards the door.  Sam’s got his arm in front of Dean now, and Dean didn’t realize he’d taken a few steps forward.

“Why are you here?” Castiel asks, voice dripping attitude, though Dean notices the slight tremble in his arms.  Michael pulls an envelope out of his jacket pocket.

“This is your settlement from Father’s estate.  Post taxes, of course.”

“Took you long enough to get it here,” Cas snapped.  “I also don’t understand why all three of you needed to come just to deliver one check.”  Michael’s eyes darken and Raphael’s sneer fades.

“Don’t mouth off, you little shit.” Raphael snaps back.

“I can do whatever the hell I want to,” Cas counters.  Raphael seems taken aback.

“Can you now?”

“I’m not doing this anymore, cowering and hanging my head.  I’m done taking all this from you.”  Dean wants to cheer for Cas, but thinks better of it.

“You have some nerve,” Raphael hisses.  “After all we’ve done for you, in spite of your failings, in spite of your insufferable life choices-”

“At least I don’t abuse and berate people just because I can.”  Raphael is practically spitting he’s so angry now, and he moves forward right into Cas’ face.  Sam tenses his hold on Dean, keeping him in place as he tries to move forward.

“Is that any way to talk to your family?  To talk to your betters?”  
“You were never much of a family, just a whiny kid crying because you didn’t get your way.”  Cas muttered darkly.

“If it weren’t for you, our family wouldn’t have been ruined,” Raphael’s hands are clenched, and Dean’s never seen any more hate in someone’s eyes before.

“Calm down, Raphael,” Gabe finally says.  “No one wants to see a tantrum.”  Raphael looks like he’s about to hit Cas, who’s standing his ground, even though he can’t hide how his arms are trembling.

“This little freak-”

“Enough!” Michael interrupted.  Sam had moved in front of Dean now, a solid presence holding him back from jumping into the middle of this.  Dean’s not really sure what to do, he wants to walk up to stand at Cas’ side, to defend him, but at the same time he knows Cas wants to take care of this on his own.

“You don’t scare me anymore, none of you do.”  Cas said strongly, though Dean knew otherwise, and Michael just looks at him for a second, his expression unreadable. Michael pulled another envelope out and tossed them both towards Cas, where they landed on the floor about a foot in front of him.

“This is your severance package.”  Cas looks at them, but makes no move to pick them up.  

“Severance.  As in you’re firing me.”  Cas says calmly.  

“Your performance at work has been lacking over the past six months.” Michael continues.  “We’re turning management of the club over to Crowley, with Gabriel overseeing him.”  Cas starts laughing, and for a moment Dean wonders about his sanity.  Gabriel frowns and Raphael’s eyebrows are raised, but Michael’s face is unmoved.

“After all these years, is that really the best you got?  That’s all the bite you have left?” he waves his hand at the envelopes.

“Castiel…” Gabe sighs.

“No, don’t.  I didn’t want this job in the first place, and you all forced me into it.”

“You ungrateful little sack of shit…” Raphael started, but Michael kept talking.

“You will also, from here on out, no longer be part of this family.”  Dean’s heart stopped on Cas’ behalf.  “You are disowned, you no longer have access to any previous accounts, lodgings, or other benefits associated with the Novak name.  You have dragged our name through the mud long enough, and we’re cleaning away your stain.”  He looks down his nose at Cas, the smallest hint of disgust passing over his face.  “I never want to see you again,” he said darkly, turning towards the door.  Cas’ face was unreadable, even for Dean, and they all stood in silence for a few beats.

“What’s the matter, no witty retort?” Raphael hissed into the quiet room.  “You killed our mother, you wasted your education, you spent a year on heroin, you’ve done nothing but disrespect me and Michael your whole life.  And your perverse, disgusting, habit of sleeping with men…”

“Stop it,” Cas said quietly, his voice shaking slightly.  Raphael’s smirk is back.  

“Oh, I hit a nerve,” he says, looking towards Dean.  

“He said stop it,” Dean snapped darkly.  Sam tensed in front of him.

“You have no right to talk to me like that-” Raphael started.

“C’mon, what’s the point of this?” Gabriel sighed.  “We did what we’ve come to do.”  Raphael turns to Gabe, mouth open to speak.

“Let’s go,” Michael says from the door, turning and walking out.  Raphael walks up to Castiel, and Dean starts to struggle against Sam.

“Dean, come on, it’s not worth it,” he grunts, holding his brother back.  Raphael reaches out and snatches Cas’ wrist, pulling the sleeve up and exposing the crucifix.  A white hot anger springs up into Dean’s chest.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean grunts, but Sam has him tight.

“Next time, maybe don’t miss,” Raphael hisses.  He drops Cas’ wrist and storms out of the house, leaving Cas shaking like a leaf.  Dean looks to Gabe as he turns to leave.

“The hell? Dean snaps, finally breaking free of Sam’s grasp to walk towards Cas.  Gabe takes a deep breath, looking defeated.

“I’m sorry, Dean.  I tried, I really did, and I know you don’t believe me, so you don’t need to say it.”  He turns a guilty eye to Cas.  “I fought this, I did, but there’s only so much I can do.  They followed company policy and the law to the letter.  I’m… I’m really sorry.”

“Just go,” Cas sighs, his voice sounding hollow.  Gabe leaves without another word or backwards glance.  Sam follows him to shut and lock the door while Dean stands next to Cas, unsure what to do.  

“Cas?” he breathes.  Cas turns to him, tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.

“It’s over,” he breathes.  Then he collapses, going limp in Dean’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LIKE I SAID I AM SO SORRY!!!! T^T
> 
> Comment about your pain and I'll share in it with you, hand out some digital hugs and support. I'll try not to leave this hanging here too long and get the next chapter up soon.
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Aparrently I lied, it's been over a week -_- I'll post soon I PROMISE


	24. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so remember when I promised at the end of the last chapter I wouldn't leave you hanging too long? Yeah... it's definitely been a week. I'M SORRY!! And we're not quite done with the angst yet either... Just muddle through this chapter and I PROMISE it get's back to the good stuff! This one ended up being a little longer than the others, but I wanted to do it justice. I've written five chapters after this one, so hopefully I'll get the next one up quick!  
> You guys are all amazing, with your comments and your Kudos and just, wow, I love you guys!!  
> Again, spoilers in the trigger warning, but it needed posting.  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> *  
> ~*~* TRIGGER WARNING (Hopefully my last one for a while!) *~*~  
> Severe panic attack, themes of anxiety through the whole chapter, hospitalization because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 24: Human- Christina Perri  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X43XF8247E  
> I can hold my breath, I can bite my tongue  
> I can stay awake for days if that's what you want  
> Be your number one  
> I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh  
> I can dance and play the part  
> If that's what you ask  
> Give you all I am
> 
> I can do it, I can do it, I can do it
> 
> But I'm only human and I bleed when I fall down  
> I'm only human and I crash and I break down  
> Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
> You build me up and then I fall apart  
> 'Cause I'm only human
> 
> I can turn it on, Be a good machine  
> I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need  
> Be your everything
> 
> I can do it, I can do it  
> I'll get through it
> 
> But I'm only human and I bleed when I fall down  
> I'm only human and I crash and I break down  
> Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
> You build me up and then I fall apart  
> 'Cause I'm only human
> 
> I'm only human, I'm only human  
> Just a little human
> 
> I can take so much  
> 'Til I've had enough
> 
> 'Cause I'm only human and I bleed when I fall down  
> I'm only human and I crash and I break down  
> Your words in my head, knives in my heart  
> You build me up and then I fall apart  
> 'Cause I'm only human

"How is he?" Sam asked gently.  Dean had just walked back in the living room from laying Cas in bed.  He'd cried for nearly an hour before passing out, nothing Dean said or did able to calm him.  Dean hated being so helpless.

"He's asleep for now," he sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face and sitting heavily on the couch.  Sam handed him a cup of coffee, and Dean took it gratefully.

"How are you doing?" Sam asked, equally as gentle.  Dean sighed, thinking about how to answer.

“Honestly, Sam?  Not great.  I’m numb, just… I don’t know, too tired to figure this out right now.”  They sipped at their coffee in silence, Sam didn’t know what to say and Dean didn’t want to say anything.  He marveled that he wasn’t a bigger mess, that he hadn’t had an attack yet, considering what crappy shape he was in leading up to the arrival of Cas’ brothers.  Not that he was complaining about his lack of freaking out, just surprised.

His skin was still crawling, though, in spite of his strange calm, an itch he just can’t seem to scratch.  Sam reached over to the coffee table to pick up his phone, stretching out his arm and drawing Dean’s attention to it, picturing Cas’ arms and his tattoos instead.  He watched Sam walk back to the kitchen to get more coffee, trying to imagine a situation where he’d even consider saying anything similar to to what Raphael had said.  Even when he was most pissed at Sam, it was still his little brother, still the brother he’d raised and cared for, the brother he was a father to when his own… He stood and followed Sam into the kitchen, setting his cup on the counter.

“Dean?” Sam said when he turned and saw him, but Dean just stepped up and wrapped his brother in a bear hug.  Sam hugged him back, laughing a little nervously.  “Dean, you okay?”  Dean released him, wiping at the emotion in his eye.

“Yeah, just… You know I...“  He was searching for the words, but they wouldn’t come out.  To Dean’s great relief, Sam just nodded.

“I get it, Dean.  Me too,” he said, clapping his brother on the shoulder, swallowing his own emotion.  Dean nodded, clearing his throat and busying himself finding something to make for lunch for the two of them.  He wasn’t sure he’d be able to eat, but he needed to keep busy, keep his mind from lingering on what had just happened to Cas.

 

Cas slept for the whole afternoon, leaving Sam and Dean time to just watch random TV and talk about nothing in particular.  Charlie came over later that evening to spend the night, and Dean was grateful for the moral support when Sam had to head home to get ready for a case.  Sam hadn’t wanted to leave, but Dean had insisted, the case he was working on for months was going to court the next day, and there was no way Dean would forgive himself if something Sam had worked so hard for was set aside for his sake.  Sam said he would leave his ringer on his phone all night incase Dean needed him, and Dean assured him he’d call if he needed to.  Charlie had brought food for dinner, even though Dean insisted she didn’t have to, some sandwiches from Cas’ favorite deli, so Dean poured Cas some water and made his way upstairs to the bedroom, hoping the food would raise Cas’ spirits.  

“Cas, baby?  You awake?” he called, nudging the door open with his toe.  Cas shifted in bed, turning to face Dean, but didn’t say anything.  The last light of the day was peeking through the blinds, but it wasn’t quite enough to see by, so Dean set down the glass of water and turned on the soft bedside light next to the bed.  Dean held out the plate, offering it to Cas.  “Charlie picked up your favorite, I thought you might be hungry,” Dean said weakly, hoping against hope Cas would eat.  Cas sat up, taking the plate with a small smile, and Dean felt the relief wash over him as he took a couple small bites.  He sat on the edge of the bed, unsure what else to do with himself, but unwilling to leave.

“Thank you,” Cas said quietly.  Dean’s chest tightened with emotion, because Cas seemed so calm, so formal, and as he ate the lack of whatever emotion that had him sobbing hours earlier was too similar to Dean’s dream.  Dean felt a real, cold fear deep in his gut, and his heart physically ached, because he didn’t know what to do.  All he knew was the man he loved was hurting, and there didn’t seem to be any way for Dean to help him.  He gently reached out, running his fingers through Cas’ hair.

“Cas-” Dean sighed, wishing he knew what else he could say.  Cas looked up at him, a strange calm on his face, but still some small pain in his eyes.

“Thanks for bringing me some dinner,” he said softly, leaning in and kissing Dean’s cheek.  That small touch sent contrasting waves of warmth and fear through Dean.  “I think I’m going to shower,” he said, handing Dean his plate and kissing him again, “I’m feeling much better.”  He gave Dean a small smile, and Dean nodded, watching him walk in the bathroom, only standing to go once the water was running.  He wasn’t sure what was going on, with either him or Cas, nothing was making sense to him.

He walked back down to the kitchen with Cas’ plate, helping Charlie clean up their dishes.  She placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Can you tell me what happened yet?” she asked quietly.  Dean sighed heavily.

“I don’t know.  I don’t think so, Charlie.  It’s Cas’ story to tell, really.”  She nodded, turning from the sink and emptying the trash can, walking it over to the garage.  When she came back, she sat next to Dean at the kitchen counter, reading a book she’d brought, neither of them talking.  If ever Dean wanted a drink, it was now.  

 _God_ , did he want it, to feel the burn in the back of his throat, the burn that led to the buzz in his head, that led to the heavy blackness of alcohol induced sleep.  It would be so easy, it would make all of this just go away for a while and give Dean a chance to breathe.  His hands were twitching, so Charlie’s hand wrapped around his, the tension in his shoulders easing just a bit, but not the pressure in his chest.  They sat like that till Dean heard the water turn off upstairs.  He knew he should try to talk to Cas, both because he knew Cas needed it, and because he knew he was a mess himself.  He turned his head to the stairs, and Charlie nudged him, reading his body language.  

“Go, take care of him.  I’ll be down here if you need me.”  She gave him a small hug and he left the kitchen, his feet heavy as he mounted the stairs.  He took a few steadying breaths before opening the door to the bedroom.

“Cas?” he called into the dark room.  Cas was laying in bed, expectantly, and a small smile crept up on his face when Dean walked in.

“Will you lay with me?” he asked quietly.  Dean swallowed hard, Cas looked so beautifully innocent, he felt the pain of watching Raphael sneer over his scars all over again.

“Anything you want, babe,” he managed to say.  He takes off his jeans and his overshirt, sliding into bed in his tee and boxer briefs.  Cas had scooted over to make room for Dean to slide into bed next to him, and immediately rolled back once Dean was settled, snaking an arm around his shoulder and a leg across his thigh.

“Thank you,” Cas breathed.  Dean wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly, humming to soothe him, and hoping to soothe himself in the process.  A few minutes pass, and Dean’s hum trails off into silence, until he finally works up his courage to attempt conversation.

“Do you want to talk about this?” Dean asked.  Cas nodded, taking Dean’s hand and winding his fingers through his.  

“Yeah, I think we should,” Cas said simply.

“How are you feeling?” Dean asked, pressing a kiss into Cas’ knuckles where their fingers met.  Just holding him close was helping, made him feel like he was doing something, which was much preferred to nothing.  

“Honestly… I’m okay.”  Cas raised his eyes to Dean’s, making sure Dean saw his honesty.  “I know I should be upset, but all I feel is… relief.  They’re out of my life now, and I don’t have to look over my shoulder, waiting for the next problem.  It’s like I’ve crawled out from under this shadow, this dark thing.  It hurts, I’m not going to lie, but...” he trailed off with a shrug, and Dean frowned.

“But they’re your brothers, Cas.” Dean counters.  He kisses Dean’s chest through his shirt, a soft smile on his face.

“Sam’s my brother, more than they ever were.”  Dean feels a sudden emotion well up in him and he looks up at the ceiling, scared to let Cas see it.  “You’re my family, Dean.  You, Sam, Charlie… “  He reaches out and grips Dean’s chin, pulling his face down and catching his eyes again.  “I’m not saying it won’t take me some time to adjust, but I don’t want you worrying about me, I’m okay.”  Dean squeezes him, placing a soft kiss on top of his head.

“That’s not possible,” he sighs.

“What’s not?” Cas asks, running his fingers over Dean’s sternum.

“Not worrying about you.”  Cas chuckled softly, nuzzling against Dean for a moment before he continued speaking.

“How are you doing?” he asked.  Dean took a deep breath, settling deeper into the pillows.

“Better, hearing that you’re okay.  I’m just... angry, I guess.  I just don't understand how they could be so...”  Cas kisses his chest gently, and Dean lets the thought trail off weakly.

“I didn’t mean to lay all this on you,” Cas sighed.  

“It’s not your fault,” Dean said, his fingers running lazily through Cas’ hair.  “And hey, maybe you’re right.  We don’t have to worry about them anymore.”  He feels Cas nod against his chest and they both fall silent.  Dean wants to believe it, wants to believe everything is okay now, but as Cas settles into sleep, he starts to feel his anxiety sneaking back in.

Dean couldn’t go to sleep.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep, he knew he needed it, but his eyes just wouldn’t stay closed.  Every time he shut them, the image of Cas with wings, bleeding and broken, would flash before them, and the adrenaline that was pulsing through him refused to let him relax.  He was wound tight, his muscles shaking with the effort of keeping still, to let Cas sleep.  He felt his chest tightening, his breathing growing shallow.  No, no, not now… It wasn’t stopping, he could feel his heart rate increasing, and it was getting harder to breathe.  He was gasping now, his whole body starting to tremble uncontrollably.  He felt Cas stirring, and Dean’s hand ran over Cas’ shoulder blade as he shifted in his arms.   _Wings spread wide behind his back, thick red rivulets running down the feathers to the floor…_

“Dean?” Cas said, still half asleep.  Dean tried to answer but his throat wouldn’t work, and he was hardly getting any air in his lungs now.  Cas sat up, more awake, and with his absence Dean’s shaking got worse.  “Dean!” Cas shouted, hands running over his face and chest.  Dean tried to focus on him but his vision was blurring, his lungs gasping for air.  “Dean, baby, stay with me.”  Cas’ panicked voice faded as Dean fell into blackness.

 

It was cold.

_Why is it so cold?_

_And what is making that beeping noise?_

Dean’s body felt sluggish, his limbs not responding like he thought they should.  He managed to blurrily get an eye open, but winced and closed it again when he was assaulted by bright light.  The smell was the next thing to hit him, like plastic and antiseptic, oddly clean and nothing like what he should be smelling if he was still at Cas’.  He struggled to get his eyes opened again, finally managing to get a blurry look at his surroundings.  

 _I’m in a hospital_.

As his vision cleared, he got some movement back, managing to lift his head and look around.

“Dean?!  Dean, baby, I’m here,” Cas’ voice was fuzzy, a bit too loud, but it was comforting all the same.  He watched Cas walk up to the side of his bed, reaching out and taking his hand, concern furrowing his brow.  His vision had cleared enough to see Cas hadn’t slept nearly long enough before Dean woke him, and the guilt brought him fully into focus.

“Wha-” he started, then coughed.  Cas held up a glass of water with a straw, and Dean took a few long pulls.

“You had an attack, a really bad one.”  Cas’ voice was calm, but Dean could see the worry on his face.  “Dean, babe, you passed out, you were shaking something awful...  If Charlie hadn’t been over I don’t know what I…” his voice shook slightly, breaking him off mid sentence, and he set the glass down before taking Dean’s hand again.  “I’m so, so sorry,” he gasped, bringing Dean’s hand up to his lips and kissing his knuckles.

“Don’t, Cas,” Dean managed to say, clearing his throat again.  “Don’t blame yourself.”  He squeezed Cas’ hand as best as he could.  His head was starting to clear up, and with Cas’ help he sat up slowly in bed, feeling a bit more like himself.

“How long was I out?” Dean asked.

“Well, you woke me around 11:30, so… six hours?” Cas said, checking his watch.  Dean groaned, rubbing at his temple.  

“Sorry I ruined your night,” he said.  Cas ran a hand through Dean’s hair.

“Hey, if I can’t blame myself, you can’t either,” Cas attempted to joke.  His face grew serious again right away, his fingers still running gently over Dean’s scalp.  “How come it was so bad this time?” he asked quietly, and Dean felt the guilt run through him again.  “You seemed relatively okay yesterday, all things considered.  What changed?”  Cas was only curious, only wanted to help, but how would Dean tell him that this had been building for an entire week?  That he’d purposefully been hiding his self destruction from Cas?  That after they’d promised to do this together, Dean did the exact opposite?  He felt Cas’ eyes on him, waiting for an answer, and he forced himself to meet those eyes.  Cas deserved to know the truth.  

“It wasn’t just yesterday, Cas, it was the whole week.”  He paused, trying to ignore Cas’ surprise.  “I’ve been bottling it up, because I didn’t want to show you how much I- I was...”  Cas’ hand tightened on Dean’s, the hand that was running through his hair moving down to cup his cheek.

“I’m supposed to help you, why didn’t you talk to me, babe?”  Dean felt shame at the sound of the hurt in Cas’ voice.

“I don’t know, I really don’t.”  Dean cleared his throat again.  “Maybe because you seemed okay, and I didn’t want to bring you down.”  Cas swallows hard, guilt moving across his face.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just… I was so busy this past week I didn’t-”

“Stop, Cas.” Dean said firmly.  He would not let Cas apologize for something Dean brought upon himself.  Cas opened his mouth to speak, but there was a soft knock on the door, and Jess walked into the room dressed in her scrubs just as Cas’ hand pulled away from Dean’s face.

“Look at who’s awake, sleepy head,” she said brightly, walking over to Dean and squeezing his shoulder, seemingly oblivious to the mood she’d walked in on.  She smiled at Cas as well as she moved confidently through the room.  “I made sure you were on my rounds so I could keep Sam updated on you,” she explained warmly, checking him over.  “I know you would have been pissed if he missed his big day in court tomorrow on your account, so I made him stay home.  Knew you’d be just fine, told him not to worry.”  Her bright confidence helped Dean feel a bit better, and when the corner of his mouth twitched up into a smile, he felt the relief roll off of Cas as well.

“Thanks,” Dean sighed, making a mental note to tell Sam to marry her when he saw him next.  He felt Cas’ hand slide into his as she worked, her happy energy permeating the room and lifting some of the weight off of Dean.

“Well, you’re doing better all on your own, so you should be able to leave.  I’ll let the doctor know.”  

“Thank you, Jess,” Cas sighed.  She smiled, squeezing Cas’ shoulder as she left the room.

“Dean-” Cas started, but Dean waved his hand, cutting him off.

“It’s not your fault, Cas.  I should have told you it was bothering me as much as it was.”  Dean knew what he needed to feel better, and it wasn’t medicine or sleep.  It was this man sitting next to him.  He managed to scoot over, making room for Cas on the small hospital bed, patting the mattress in invitation.  Cas climbed up next to him, gently lowering himself into the bed and wrapping his left arm around Dean, his right hand finding Dean’s and holding on tightly.  “Are you really okay?” Dean asked softly, tucking his head under Cas’ chin.  Cas nodded, holding Dean’s hand against his chest.

“I really am.  I feel like… like this weight I’ve carried with me my entire life is gone.  I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I’ve known for years that, one way or another, something like this would eventually happen.  Yeah, they’re my brothers, but the way they’ve treated me… I’m out from under that.  I’m a better person, I’m my own person.  All I need is right here,” he said, placing a kiss against Dean’s hair.  “My past is gone, it’s done.  We have a future together, and that’s all I’m worrying about now.”  Dean flushes, burrowing his head against Cas’ shoulder to hide his embarrassment.

“You’re fucking amazing, you know that?” he sighed.  Cas ran a soothing hand over his back.

“I just,” he faltered before speaking again, “I know that must have been hard for you to watch.”  Dean tensed a little, but now that Cas was holding him the fear didn’t get to him this time.

“I just wanted to help you,” he muttered.  “But I didn’t know how, and I felt so useless…and I wanted a drink Cas.”  He felt Cas’ arms tighten around him.  “God I wanted a drink, I wanted to just forget for a while.  Because every time I would close my eyes my nightmare...”  He hesitated again, but pushed himself on.  “It just kept replaying over and over.”

“Tell me,” Cas whispered.  Dean took a deep breath, steeling himself.

“Your brothers were there, and it was like they’d sucked all the life from you.  Raphael tore your shirt off and your scars, they, uh, started to bleed and…” his throat finally tightened up and he stopped speaking.  Cas kissed the top of his head, humming softly, his hand tracing Dean’s spine in small circles, and Dean focused on the relaxing movements.  “It hurt so much, Cas,” he finally continued, breaking through the emotion clogging up his voice, “watching them say those things to you, when you don’t deserve any of it.  And what Raphael did with your arm…”  Cas shushed him.

“Don’t, Dean.  Let it go, it’s alright.”

“It’s not, Cas.  How could anyone say that to someone?  Blood or otherwise?” Cas shifted his arms, pulling Dean tighter against his chest.

“I’ve made my peace with my scars, thanks to your help,” he breathed.  “They can’t hurt me now.  My brothers can’t hurt me now.”  He pulled back and lifted Dean’s face by his chin, making Dean lock onto his bright blue eyes.

“Cas, I-”

“I love you,” Cas interrupted.  “I love your adorable smirk, the way you hum while you cook, the light in your eyes when you laugh.  I love the way you take care of people before yourself, the pride in your eyes when you look at the brother you raised, your need to make sure everyone else is okay.  I love your insecurity, your flaws, your hard edges.  I love the way you make love to me, the way you say my name, the way you worship me.”  Cas kisses him softly, wiping away the tears Dean didn’t realize he was crying.  “I love you, Dean, and as long as you’re here, that’s all I could ever ask for.”  Dean closed his eyes as Cas rested his lips against his forehead.  

He took in a deep breath, and when he let it out, he let go of everything he’d been holding in the last week.  The tears were flowing steadily now, a flood down his cheeks and neck, ugly sobs escaping him, but they were cleansing, washing it all away.  His anger, his worry, his fear, he cried it out, and once the tears were finished, he felt what he’d been waiting to feel since his Dad had died.  

For the first time in his adult life, he wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

He told himself he was happy, with Cas, with everything he had in life, and he actually believed it.

“How the hell am I supposed to follow up on that speech?” Dean sniffed, once his tears had stopped, a small smile on his face.  Cas laughed, and Dean leaned in, kissing his neck gently and wrapping his arms around him tightly.

“I can think of a few things,” Cas said, an easy teasing in his voice.  “But first let’s get you out of the hospital and back home, okay?”  Dean nodded.

“Yeah, sounds good.”  Cas stood, helping Dean do the same and he handed Dean his clothes, helping him get dressed on his wobbly legs.  Just as he got his belt done up, the doctor came in to discharge him, and Dean only half listened to what he said about Dean’s recovery, glad Cas was there to pay attention.  Once the doctor left, Charlie came in, wrapping Dean up in a worried hug and squeezing him tightly.

“I’m going to go see if we owe anything outside of insurance,” Cas said, slipping out of the room.  Charlie was still clinging to Dean tightly, nearly knocking him off balance.

“Don’t you dare do that to me again!” she scolded fondly.  Dean rubbed his hand over her back.

"I'll try," he sighed, walking with her out of the room.  “I hear I have you to thank for keeping Cas together,” he said, glancing over at Cas where he was talking to the assistant at the counter.  She flushed, just squeezing him tightly.

“No big, just doing what I could.”  She beamed up at him, but he frowned as a thought occurred to him.  

“Have you been waiting here the whole time?” he asked suddenly.  She shrugged sheepishly, toeing at the floor.

“Yeah, but they have really good wifi here, so I managed to get some work done.”  Dean opened his mouth to say something but she placed her finger over it, shushing him.  “Not another word, sir.”  He sighed, his frown fading into a half smile as Cas walked back up to them.  

“Ready?” Cas asked.

“Let’s get going,” Dean sighed, ready to get out of the sterile environment and back to something familiar.  He was fine walking on his own, but wrapped his arm over Cas’ shoulders anyway, just wanting to be close to him if nothing else.  They made their way out to the garage, and Charlie drove them to Dean’s, on Cas’ insistence.  When Dean complained about Baby being at Cas’, Cas shushed him, promising he’d make sure someone took Dean to get his car when he was able to drive.  They shared hugs with Charlie again once they arrived at Dean’s complex, saying goodbye before she left for home.  Cas helped Dean up to his apartment, and walked Dean straight to his bedroom.  Before Dean even realized what was happening, Cas was pulling off his pants and shoes and getting him comfortable in bed.  Dean made a small noise of protest, since he’d just gotten out of a bed, but Cas just shushed him again.

“Need anything?” Cas asked as he pulled Dean’s comforter up to his chin.

“I’m alright, Cas, really,” Dean said with a smile.  He watched as Cas placed the stack of hospital papers on Dean’s bedside table, and noticed the small orange bottle Cas tried to hide in the drawer.  “Cas?  What’s that?” he asked, reaching for it.  Cas hesitated, holding it out of Dean’s reach.

“The nurse said it’s a low dose anxiety medication,” he said gently, “just something to take as needed, for your really bad days.”  Dean pulled his hand back, leaving the bottle where it was, and Cas must have seen his discomfort.  

“I don’t know, Cas…”

“Look, it’s just an option, Dean.  It’s not something you’d take regularly,” Cas explained.  Dean didn’t like the idea of being dependant on anything, and the way Cas was looking at him told him Cas knew exactly how he was feeling.  He opened the drawer and dropped the bottle inside.  “We’ll forget they’re even there, alright?” Cas said calmly, squeezing Dean’s hand.  Dean nodded, silently thanking whatever higher power was responsible for him and Cas meeting.  In spite of how long he was out at the hospital, now that he’s back home in his own bed, Dean feels a different kind of weariness starting to take over, and emotional one, not a physical one.  

“Cas?”  Cas turns at the sound of his name.  “Lay with me,” Dean mumbles.  He knows Cas needs the sleep just as much as he does, and as much as he hates being needy, he doesn’t want to be apart from Cas, even in the same apartment.  With a fond smile, Cas pulls off his shoes and pants and crawls into bed next to Dean, making Dean the little spoon and running his hand soothingly through Dean’s hair.  For the first time in a week, Dean feels his body completely relax, molding into the curve of Cas behind him.

“I love you, baby,” he breathed into the back of Dean’s neck, but Dean was asleep before he even finished saying it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've jumped a hurdle, guys, and I'm so proud of myself. Let's move on to something a bit happier, okay? Okay!
> 
> As always, comments are the best thing in the universe!! Let me know how you weathered Cas and Dean's storm!!
> 
> *hugs*


	25. Endlessly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kept my promise!! Look at me updating the next day!! *high five self*
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying my song choices, this one especially I have been waiting to use since I started this story. ^_^
> 
> I am in LOVE with this chapter!! I had some more stuff in here, but I had to cut it out and stick it in a later chapter, this one just started getting WAY too long. Enjoy everyone, I'm back on track and I'm so looking forward to sharing this next bit of the story with you.
> 
> Any and all comments, Kudos, or other forms of expression welcome!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 25: Endlessly- The Cab  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWWSo_kdaZ0  
> There's a shop down the street, where they sell plastic rings,  
> for a quarter a piece, I swear it.  
> Yeah, I know that it's cheap, not like gold in your dreams,  
> but I hope that you'll still wear it.  
> Yeah, the ink may stain my skin, and my jeans may all be ripped.  
> I'm not perfect, but I swear, I'm perfect for you.
> 
> [Chorus]  
> ..and there's no guarantee,  
> that this will be easy.  
> It's not a miracle ya need, believe me.  
> Yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me,  
> but I will love you endlessly.  
> Wings aren't what you need, you need me.
> 
> There's a house on the hill, with a view of the town,  
> and I know how you adore it.  
> So I'll work everyday, through the sun, and the rain,  
> until I can afford it.  
> Yeah, your friends may think I'm crazy, cause they can only see,  
> I'm not perfect, but I swear, I'm perfect for you.
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> (You need me, I know you need me, you need me, I know you need me)  
> Ink may stain my skin, and my jeans may all be ripped.  
> I'm not perfect, but I swear, I'm perfect for you.
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> (I know you need me) You need me, (I know you need me) You need me,  
> (I know you need me)  
> There's a shop down the street, where they sell plastic rings,  
> for a quarter a piece, I swear it.  
> Yeah, I know that it's cheap, not like gold in your dreams,  
> but I hope that you'll still wear it

Dean wakes up feeling better than he had in over a week, and when he moves to stretch, the warm body behind him brings a smile to his face.

“Good morning, handsome,” Cas coos into his hair.  Dean hums in response, scooting back against Cas and pulling his arm tight around him.  Cas huffs a small laugh, the warm air against his neck giving Dean goosebumps.  “Come on, it’s about time we got up and actually started this day,” he sighed, pulling his arm out of Dean’s grasp and getting out of bed.  Dean blearily looked at his clock, the numbers 10:14am glaring at him accusingly.  He rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up and checking his phone.  He had a handful of texts from his brother and other friends, which he answered quickly with ‘thank yous’ and ‘I’m okays’.  He saw a message from Rufus, and his heart dropped.

“Cas?!” he called into the bathroom.  Cas emerged, his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.  “Has the shop been-” he stopped when Cas waved his hands, going back to the sink to spit before returning to the bedroom.

“Charlie told Rufus what was happening.  Everything’s fine,” he assured him with a smile.  Dean relaxed, setting his phone down and walking up to where Cas was standing.  He leaned in for a kiss, but Cas turned his head so it caught his cheek.  “Morning breath,” he said with a grimace, winking at Dean.  Dean smiled, something that had felt so foreign the past few days and made his way past Cas to get ready for the morning.  

By the time he’d peed, brushed his teeth, and shaved, the smell of coffee was floating in from the kitchen.  He walked out, immediately pulling ingredients out of the fridge for omelettes, graciously taking a cup of coffee from Cas.  This time when he leaned in for a kiss, their lips met, chaste and short, but it was all Dean needed.

“We’re okay?” he asked.  Cas smiled, running a hand over his cheek.

“We’re okay.”  Dean beamed at him and set to work making breakfast, Cas sending a few messages on his phone while he waited, though from their length they were probably emails.  As Dean grabbed plates and served up their food, he catches sight of the envelopes Michael had given Cas, sitting on the table next to him.  Dean manages to keep the dark thoughts at bay as he sets Cas’ food down, sitting at the chair next to him, but Cas notices where his eyes are looking.

“You can open them,” Cas said, finishing his coffee and pulling his plate closer.  Dean shook his head, turning his attention to his own food.

“Nah, I’m good.”  Cas took his hand as he reached for his fork, pulling his eyes up to Cas’ bright blue ones.

“I want you to see.  I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding this from you.”  Dean swallowed hard and nodded, relaxing slightly as Cas pressed a kiss against his temple.  “I also want you to know that, in spite of me being out of a job, we’ll be okay.”  Dean nodded, though he had to admit he felt a little trepidation.  Cas opened the estate settlement first, nodding at the number like he expected it before handing it to Dean.  Dean blinked at the number on the check, his mouth going dry.

“Is, uh, is that the correct number of zeros?” he asked with a cough.  Cas nodded.  “That’s uh… holy shit,” he breathed.   _$5.25 million._  Cas opened the severance package, and Dean felt a little relief since it was significantly smaller than the first check, but his head was still swimming at the seven digit number.

“I know money isn’t important, Dean, not to you, and certainly not to me.”  

"Cas, I-"

"But it helps, at least until I find a job.”  That sobered Dean slightly, and he set the checks back on the table.  Cas smiles at him, running a hand over his cheek.  “We'll make this work, I promise."  Dean leans in and kisses Cas, and he knows it's desperate but he doesn't care.  It’s been so long since he’s even felt right touching Cas, like this past week was much longer than it was.   He needs to feel Cas, needs that reassurance that what he's saying is true, that the two of them were _right_ , and always would be.  When the kiss finally breaks, Dean's about halfway to believing it.

"You sure you're okay?" Dean asked again.  Cas strokes his cheek one more time before turning to his breakfast, Dean also taking a bite of his food.

"I'm okay.  I really am.”  He face turned thoughtful as he chewed.  “I said they couldn't hurt me anymore, and I meant it, because I have you."  He swallowed and kissed Dean's forehead.  "I've got one more surprise for you.  I hadn’t planned on… well let’s just say I wanted this to be under better circumstances.”  He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, handing it to Dean, and resuming eating.  It was a flyer for a similar house to Cas’, though smaller; four bedrooms instead of 5, a much smaller living room and square footage, but the kitchen was mostly the same size.  “This was supposed to be much more gradual of a process, but since I now no longer have my brother’s house to use...”  Dean is frowning at the paper.

“Cas, what is this?” he said quietly.

“It’s our house.  I bought us a house.”  Our?

“You want me to… to…” Cas wraps his arms around Dean as he processes the information.  Cas wanted to live with him, had bought them a house to live in together.  

 _Before_ the shit had hit the fan with his brothers.

“I know this is sudden, but all this going back and forth was getting old.”  Dean takes the last bite of his food, turning to face Cas as he talked.  “I wanted a place we could call ours.  To come home to you every night and not live out of a bag,” he was saying, a smile on his face.  Dean is stunned, though to be honest, he’d been thinking about it as well, but Cas had bought them a fucking house.  

“Cas, I- I don’t...,” he breathed, unsure what to say.  Dean can’t help but smile as he starts to picture the house.  Walking from _their_ bedroom, into _their_ kitchen, which from the size and design it seemed like Cas had painstakingly made sure Dean would love it.  Cas was watching Dean closely, as the idea sank in, and he grinned beautifully when Dean reached out and ran a hand over his back.  "This is amazing.  Thank you, Cas."  Cas' eyes lit up,

“I’m going to catch the bus to the bank and deposit these,” Cas said, holding up the checks.  “Why don’t you give Charlie a call and start packing up?”  

“We can move in?  Right away?” Dean blurted.  Cas nodded.

“I bought it a while ago… been working on it, painting, some maintenance.  I wanted it to be perfect before telling you about it.”  He smiled at Dean, that beautiful, eye wrinkles, open smile and Dean’s heart melted all over again.  He stole a few kisses before letting Cas go get ready and cleaning up after breakfast.

Once the dishes were washed up, Dean was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing a second cup of coffee as Cas came back into the kitchen to say goodbye.  He was dressed in his blue pinstripe suit with the matching tie, and Dean’s body seemed to realize right then he hadn’t slept with Cas in a week.  He felt his eyes go wide and his heart skip a beat in spite of himself.

"I'll come by when I'm finished up at the bank, okay?" Cas said, walking up to kiss the top of Dean's head, seemingly oblivious to Dean’s sudden interest.  Dean wrapped his arms around him tightly, his hands resting on the back of his thighs, digging into the tight muscle.

"I'll be waiting," he said against his stomach, strategically placing a couple soft kisses against his abs.  His hands started sliding up and down Cas' legs, and he looked up at Cas through his lashes as Cas' hand slid through his hair.  Cas groaned, reluctantly pushing Dean back, gently pulling out of his grasp.

"I refuse to go to the bank with a hard on," he muttered, walking away to pull his shoes on.  Dean smiled, admiring the sight of Cas bent over for a moment before standing and walking over, wrapping Cas in a hug once he straightened up.

"I love you," he said softly.  Cas brushed his neck with a soft kiss.

"I love you, babe."  Dean captured his lips, pulling him into a deep kiss, and again Cas pulled back with a groan.  "I mean it, Dean.  Stop tempting me."  He pulled away with a smile and left Dean with a silly happy feeling.  Dean picked up his phone and shot his brother a text to call him on his lunch break, then he dialed Charlie’s number.

“Yes, my Dean,” she answered dramatically.

“Hey, Charlie, did you get some sleep?"

"I power napped.  Perfected the art, actually."  

"Good, I need some help with something.”

"Anything, anytime,” she said immediately.

"You might regret that," Dean said with a chuckle.  

"And why is that?" she asked a little hesitatingly.

"Because you're going to head to my place today and help me pack.  Cas and I are moving in together," he said, grinning as she sputtered on the other end of the line.

"Omg yay!" she squealed.  "You guys were practically living together already, about time you picked a place."  Her tone changed, a bit more serious but no less happy.  "Plus, in light of what happened, I think something happy will be good for you."  Dean nodded in agreement, even though she couldn't see him.

"I'm glad you're excited I'm going to be putting you to work," Dean laughed.

"I sit on a computer all day, a little work is welcome.  So you're moving into Cas’ place?"  Dean paused for a moment.

"Actually... Cas bought us a house.  Our own house."  He blushed, he could practically see Charlie’s shit eating grin through the phone.

"Talk about a romantic gift!!  You've got that boy hooked good and proper!"  Dean laughed again, pulling the pamphlet over to look at again.

"Charlie, just looking at the floor plan... You should see the kitchen he picked for me.  It's- it's perfect."

"Well, let me get my stuff together, we’ll get your Baby, and we’ll do this!” she said brightly.  Dean said goodbye with a laugh and made his way to his bedroom to get changed.  He and Cas were moving in together, officially, in a home that Cas owned, that no one could take from them.  It was strange to Dean, how he'd turned around from where he was yesterday.  Yeah, it took a trip to the hospital, but talking to Cas the night before, it made a huge difference.  Now, with a house, with his brothers out of the immediate picture, Dean just felt safe, felt like his time with Cas really was forever.  By the time he’d finished pulling his shoes on, Charlie was knocking on his door.

"Ready?" she asked.  Dean nodded.

They drove to Cas’ quickly, Charlie making happy conversation and Dean participating sporadically, a comfortable companionship between friends that Dean was so grateful for.  When they got to Cas', Charlie pulled in behind Baby, and Dean hesitated before getting out of the car, looking up at the house.  He knew why Cas had insisted on taking him back to his apartment last night, seeing the house was bringing back the whole incident.  He was lost in his thoughts until he felt Charlie’s hand gently squeeze his arm.

"Can you tell me what happened?" She asked quietly.  Dean's knee jerk reaction was to just brush it off, like he would have so many times before.  Being with Cas was changing him, though, and he knew Charlie just wanted to help, and he also knew, for once, he should let her.  So he opened up, and he told her everything, how Cas’ brothers had acted, what they'd said, and the hardest part: how Dean had felt about the whole thing.  

Well, he told her mostly everything.  Some of the things that had been said were too painful to say again, and what Raphael had said about Cas' scars really was Cas' decision to tell.  

"I know it's not something to be taken lightly, but in a way I think Cas is right.  It’s a clean slate for him, no more family drama.”  Charlie nodded.

“It’s a new start for both of you,” she said with a smile.  Dean felt better, and when he pulled away from Cas’ old house for the last time, he never looked back in his rearview mirror once.  

He swung by the nearest store to pick up some cardboard boxes, Charlie swung by a chinese place for lunch, and they met back at Dean’s apartment.  They ate first, making short work of the takeout, then stood together in Dean’s living room.

“So where should we begin?” Charlie asked, helping Dean peel the boxes out of their plastic wrappings.  Dean looked around, trying to take mental inventory of his belongings.  

“Let’s ignore the kitchen.  Cas has a crap ton of stuff way better than what I’ve got, and enough place settings for twenty people.  I’ve got suitcases for my clothes…” His gaze settled on his movie cabinet.  “Why don’t you start with the living room?  Electronics, movies and games and stuff, I’ll start with my bedroom.”

“Roger that,” she said, grabbing a few of the boxes and walking over to the entertainment center.  He heard her music come on, and Dean smiled as he caught a glimpse of her dancing as she unfolded a box.  Dean made his way into his room, pulling his two large suitcases out of the back of his closet and pulling shirts and pants off of hangers and out of drawers, dumping them all on his bed.  As his body set into the repetitive pattern of grabbing/folding/packing, his brain returned to the events of the day before.

The things Raphael had said to Cas...he couldn’t _imagine_ saying anything like that to Sam, not even as a joke, and he had no idea how twisted and upset someone had to be to treat family like that.  But the light at the end of the tunnel was Cas himself.  Even through all those awful things, Castiel had stood his ground, hadn’t broken, and Dean swelled with pride for him.  Dean wasn't the only one who'd changed for the better, and he allowed himself one small moment of pride in himself as well, pride for helping Cas see he was better than what his brothers thought of him.

He finally packed up all his clothes, shirts in one suitcase, pants in the other, and grabbed his largest duffle bag to load his socks and underwear into.  He found another duffle inside that one, and loaded up his pajamas, officially finished packing all of his clothes.  He walked back out to the entryway to grab a box and his phone rang, the caller ID popping up with a picture of his brother.

“Hey, Sammy."

“Hey!  How are you doing?”

“I’m good.  How’s the case going?”

“Good.  We're going to win this one, I know it.  Hey, Dean," his brother's voice grew soft, "sorry I couldn’t be there, at the hospital...” Sam started.  

“It’s alright, Sam, really.  I had Cas and Charlie, oh, by the way, have you picked out a ring for Jess yet?  Because dude, you need to…”  His brother laughed, and Dean could hear his embarrassment.

“Actually…” Sam trailed off, and Dean blinked in surprise.

“Holy shit.  Really?!” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m, uh, just trying to find the right time, you know?”  Dean let out a laugh, a full belly laugh.

“Good for you, Sammy.”

“Hey, I hear some congrats are in order for you to,” he said.  Dean blushed.

“Who’d you hear that from?”

“Cas,” Sam laughed.  “You mean to tell me you really do zone out when we start talking finances?  I’ve been working on this house with him for months.”  Dean flushed.

“Yeah, well, I just thought you were trying to sound smart,” he muttered.

"I gave up on that years ago, Dean," Sam sighed.

"Sure you did."

“Cas sent me a text, told me you were packing today.  You’re moving into the new house tonight?  There’s furniture and stuff?”  Dean paused.

“I don’t know, actually, I didn't ask, but it doesn’t hurt to get things packed up, even if we don't move tonight.”

“Makes sense, I guess.  If you need any help moving just let me know.”

“You can bet on it,” Dean said with a smile.

“Jerk,” Sam laughed.  “I’m gonna go so I can eat something today.  Keep me posted alright?”

“Sure thing,” Dean said.

“And Dean?”

“Yeah, Sammy?”

“I’m glad you’re okay.  You and Cas.”  Dean swallows hard.

“Yeah, me too.”  He hangs up before Sam notices his voice breaking.  He takes the empty box into his bedroom and starts packing up his bookshelf, humming to himself.  He’s about halfway done when he hears his apartment door open, and a few moments later, Cas walks into Dean’s bedroom, smiling broadly.

“Come to help?” Dean asked, standing to wrap Cas in a hug.  Cas released him and looked around the room.

“Between you and Charlie, there doesn’t seem to be much to help with,” Cas chuckled, placing a soft kiss on Dean’s cheek.

“Well, I know from all this stooping and bending I’m going to be sore tomorrow,” Dean groaned, stretching his arms above his head.  Cas immediately set about tickling at Dean’s sides, pulling a grin to Dean’s face, and he gave Cas a messy kiss to get him to stop.  “Totally not fair, by the way,” Dean added, "tickling a man when he's vulnerable like that."

“Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself,” Cas said innocently.  Dean looked over his face, the genuine smile, the lack of tension and stress, and ran his hand over Cas’ cheek, his silly grin fading into something softer.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been me this past week,” he sighed, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you like I said I would."  Cas shook his head, running his hand over Dean’s chest.

“It’s done, Dean.  No more apologizing, no more worrying.  We have us.”  Dean starts to kiss Cas, gentle and chaste, but it soon progresses into something deeper, something fueled by passion, and they only break because of a knock reminding them they’re not alone.

“Come _on_ , guys, still in the apartment!  At least wait until I've left before doing the dirty!” Charlie called from the doorway, eyes covered by a hand and fake disgust in her voice, her interruption making both Cas and Dean jump, then flush scarlet, laughing at themselves.

“Sorry, Charlie,” Cas says sheepishly.  She drops the hand she had over her eyes, a teasing smile on her face.

“Yeah, thanks for the mental image," she muttered with a smirk.  “Anywho, I promised Thia a dinner date before she has to head in for work, I better get home and get started on that."  Dean walks up to Charlie, giving her a hug.

“Thanks for all your help,” he says warmly.  She punches him gently in the arm, giving Cas a hug too.

“No problem.  You guys are family," she said, warmth in her smile.  Dean walked her to the door, giving her one last hug.  “Peace out, bitches!” she calls, turning and walking away from the apartment.  Dean shut the door behind her, returning to his bedroom.  Cas helped Dean finish packing, till everything was boxed up but his furniture, his kitchen, some miscellaneous things, and his bathroom.  As they carried the boxes out of his room into the living room, Dean looked around at the stacked boxes, feeling very accomplished.

“Wow, almost done already,” Dean sighed, "now we just have your huge house."  Cas chuckled.

“Actually, there’s some movers at my old house as we speak,” he said.  “Kevin’s going to make sure it all gets over to the new house by tomorrow.”  Dean looked over at him, slightly confused.

“But… Kevin doesn’t work for you anymore right?” he said.

“No, he works for Gabe now, whose house that was.  And who has generously agreed to let me keep everything in it.”  Dean felt the shock on his face, but Cas just shrugged.  “In his way, Gabe’s helping, and I can’t fault him for that.”  Dean nodded in agreement.

"Now, what do you say to one last dinner here, for old time's sake?" Dean asked with a smile.  Cas nodded, following Dean out to the kitchen.  Because he wanted to make as much of his perishable food as possible, they had a chicken, bacon, and vegetable salad, using up most of the produce in Dean's fridge.  He made up the steak in his freezer for the next morning, planning on using the last of the peppers to make steak and egg omelettes.

Once dinner was done, and Cas was nearly finished with the dishes, Dean walked up to Cas where he stood at the sink, hugging him from behind.  Cas ran his arms over Dean’s, and the mood between them changed subtly, going from happy and silly to content and…something Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on.  It took root deep in his heart, filling every inch of him with warmth and bliss.

“We’ve got a house,” Dean breathed.  Cas hummed in agreement.

“I expect you to make full use of that kitchen,” Cas said softly.  “And we’ll only be a few miles down from your shop, you could probably walk to work if you wanted.”  Dean smiled into Cas’ hair.

“Will you stop taking such good care of me?  I’m going to get spoiled and entitled.”

“Well, you’ll just have to work hard to spoil me back,” Cas teased gently, his fingers tracing small patterns on Dean's arms.  Dean slowly started walking them through the apartment.

“You know, we could use my bedroom set for one of the extra rooms, use it as a guest room,” he pointed out.  He nuzzled into Cas’ neck and Cas hummed happily.  They made it into the bedroom, and Cas leans against the wall to catch his balance as Dean squeezed him tighter.

“Yeah, we could," he agreed with a hitch in his voice as Dean pressed him against the wall.  Dean placed a gentle kiss where Cas’ neck meets his shoulder, and the soft intake in breath made him smile.  Cas ran his hand up behind him into Dean’s hair, pulling gently as Dean kissed and licked at Cas’ neck, pressing his hips firmly against Cas'.  After being interrupted in the kitchen and the bedroom on two separate occasions, Dean’s practically vibrating in anticipation as Cas’ breathing starts to get heavy.

“During your eloquent speech, you said something about making love to you…” he purred in Cas’ ear.  Cas sighed, pressing his hips back against Dean slowly, increasing the friction between them.

“I might have,” he murmured, turning seductively in Dean’s arms with a grin on his face.  Dean captured his lips, kissing him deeply.  He had missed this, this easy closeness, this warmth that he only felt with Cas.  It wasn’t even about the sex, though from the way his libido was jumping he had missed that too.  Cas felt safe, being in his arms made Dean feel comfortable, made him feel whole, and he’d been denying himself that comfort out of shame.

Cas pushed against him, moving Dean towards the bed slowly as they devoured each other, the heat behind their kisses kept in check by the emotional need for each other.  Clothes were shed as they walked, so by the time Dean felt the back of his knees hit the mattress, they were both down to nothing.  He broke the kiss and dropped down, scooting back towards the pillows slowly as Cas crawled after him, neither breaking eye contact.  Dean made a backrest out of the pillows as Cas crawled into his lap, rolling his hips lazily into Dean’s and kissing him passionately.  Dean left Cas’ lips, trailing kisses down his neck, down his chest, his lips and hands worshiping the exposed skin.  

“I love you,” Dean breathed, teeth grazing Cas’ chest.

“You’re my everything, Dean, I love you so much,” Cas’ voice sounded like a prayer, and Dean shuddered, every cell in his body lighting up at the sound of those words.  He ran his hands around to Cas’ ass, lifting so Cas was on his knees in front of Dean, and Dean quickly slid his body between Cas' thighs, lowering himself till he was eye level with Cas’ erection.  He kept a firm grip on Cas' hips as he slid his lips around Cas’ shaft, and Cas let out a breathy moan.

“Ngh, holy…” Cas grunted, breathing in gasps as Dean worked his shaft, sliding lower and lower, relaxing his throat until he was able to take Cas all the way down, humming as he pulled back and forcing obscene noises from the man above him.  He looks up at Cas as he works, a sparkle in his eyes at the totally blissed out look on Cas’ face, jaw slack and eyes hooded.  He grabs his lube, still working at Cas’ arousal as he spreads the liquid over his fingers, then reaches around Cas and slowly slides his finger past his entrance.  Cas’ hips bucked up into Dean’s mouth, and the motion sends a heat dancing along Dean’s skin, making him moan.  He starts to work Cas open, and Cas wraps his hands in Dean’s hair, steadily moving into Dean’s mouth and back against his fingers, grunts and groans escaping him with every move of his hips.

Dean is achingly hard from just watching Cas taking his pleasure, but he’s in no hurry to do anything about it.  For him it’s all about Cas, about pleasing him, and watching him come apart.  Cas is so beautiful, Dean doesn’t even attempt to slow down as he feels Cas’ orgasm looming.  Just as Dean got two fingers sliding freely in Cas, Cas’ hips stuttered and he was barely able to give Dean warning before he pulled out, spending his release against Dean’s chin and neck.

“Holy shit, babe,” Cas groaned, his eyes wide as he took in the sight of Dean below him.  Dean smirked, his fingers finding Cas’ prostate, and Cas’ body spasmed at his touch.  He leaned forward, letting out choked off whines as Dean continued to work at his prostate, resting his weight on the headboard above Dean so he wouldn’t collapse from the over stimulation.

“You’re beautiful when you come, baby,” Dean cooed, letting up on the bundle of nerves so Cas could come down.  Cas was trembling, his chest slicked in sweat and he panted heavily, but he still managed to reach over to Dean’s nightstand, grabbing some tissues and wiping his mess off of Dean’s face.  As his thumb brushed Dean’s lower lip and their eyes locked together, Dean slid a third finger in him, and Cas’ head fell back, a drawn out groan escaping his lips.  Dean reaches his free hand towards the nightstand to grab a condom, but Cas stops him.  

“Not this time, baby.  Want to feel you,” Cas breathes, desperation in his voice.  Dean swallows hard, the words sending tremors through him.  They’d both been tested shortly after returning from St. Augustine, and they’d both come back clean, but maybe out of habit more than anything they’d continued to use condoms.  To feel Cas completely, to have him that close, that intimate, Dean nearly came from that thought alone.  Dean watched in a daze as Cas leaned back from the headboard, grabbing the lube and filling his hand before reaching back to Dean’s neglected arousal.  He took Dean in hand, sliding over his shaft a few times to spread the liquid, and with his other hand pulled Dean’s hand out from behind him.  Time seemed to still as Cas slid down Dean’s body, lining up with Dean and sliding him inside smoothly, bottoming out without hesitation.  Dean cried out brokenly, his hands latching onto Cas’ hips as Cas grunted, leaning in and kissing him.  Cas was still, his eyes staring into Dean’s soul as his body adjusted to having Dean inside him.  Love, intimacy, passion, none of those words even came close to describing what was between them in that moment.  Cas started to move his hips, raising up and dropping down, his hands resting on Dean’s chest for balance.

“Castiel,” Dean breathed, his hands running over Cas’ sweaty skin, marveling in every noise that slipped from Cas’ lips.  “So good, babe.”  Cas rolled his hips, finding his prostate, his head dropping back in ecstasy.  Dean let Cas control the rhythm, the angle, and as Cas began to stiffen again, Dean wrapped a hand around him, gently coaxing him back to full hardness.  Cas’ moans became whimpers, and his movements grew desperate.

“Dean, please, I- I need…” he begged.  Dean sat up, holding Cas tight to him and rolling them over, and he set a hard but steady pace, his hand moving along Cas’ arousal in time with his thrusts.  He could feel the pressure building, focusing to a point, and as he thrust into Cas’ prostate, Cas came a second time with a strangled moan, finally pulling Dean’s orgasm from him, the white light dulling the edge of his vision as he spilled inside Cas.  He collapsed against him, oblivious to the mess on Cas’ stomach, oblivious to anything else in the world but the man below him.  As they caught their breath, the exchanged lazy kisses and whispered ‘I love yous’, until the sweaty mess became too much.  Dean pulled out slowly, and Cas groaned.

“You okay, babe?” Dean breathed.  Cas grinned.

“Yeah, I’m amazing, I'm- I....” he trailed off helplessly, and Dean leaned in, kissing him gently.

"I know what you mean," he sighed.  Dean reluctantly let Cas go, slowly rolling away from him to the edge of the bed.  He stood up, staying still for a moment to make sure his legs would work before navigating his way into the bathroom, grateful he hadn’t packed _everything_ up yet, and turning the shower on.  He walked back into the bedroom, reaching out to help Cas up, leading him into the shower where he gently washed the two of them, whispering small praises to Cas as he worked.  They shared some chaste kisses as Dean dried them off, and he wrapped Cas up in the towel, sitting him on the edge of the counter.

“I better go change the sheets,” he said with a blush.  Cas giggled, blushing as well, but nodded.  Dean made quick work of the bed linens, thankful his comforter had been spared, and returned to the bathroom to retrieve Cas, carrying him back to bed and laying him on the clean sheets.  They curled up together, but before Dean got comfortable Cas sat up and started messing with his phone.

"Whatever it is, it can wait," Dean mumbled.  Cas chuckled.

"I have to meet the movers tomorrow, I don't want to oversleep," he explained, putting his phone down and giving into the pull of Dean's arms.

“I love you, baby,” Cas breathed into Dean’s chest, his body slotted into Dean’s perfectly.  Dean kissed his damp mop of hair, smiling warmly, filled to the brim with emotion.

“I love you, Castiel,” he whispered as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone liked the return to the fluff!! Don't worry, for all of you out there for whom anxiety is a real thing, and you know it can't just be made to go away like 'poof', Dean is still dealing with it. I'll touch on it again in the next chapter, I just really wanted a break from all of his suffering. 
> 
> I hope you all liked the ending, as weird as it is, this is probably my favorite smut scene I've written for any of my fics. IDK why or if that should even be a thing, but yeah ;) *I regret nothing*
> 
> No promises on the swiftness of the next post, so don't get too spoiled with this back to back release of chapters XD


	26. Your Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so ya'll might want to brush your teeth before and after this chapter, the sweetness might give you cavities. XD It's kinda short, but it's just the way I like it, so it's staying a bit short. I am starting NaNoWriMo on Saturday at midnight, so wish me luck with that guys!! ((And for those that don't know, that stands for National Novel Writing Month, where you're challenged to write 50,000 words in the month of November. Check it out, and get some friends to do it with you! nanowrimo.org))
> 
> Anyway, we're getting close to the end of this story, so enjoy the home stretch!!
> 
> AND REMEMBER TO LEAVE ME COMMENTS!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 26: Your Song- Elton John  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CV3r8rDDmNs  
> It's a little bit funny this feeling inside  
> I'm not one of those who can easily hide  
> I don't have much money but boy if I did  
> I'd buy a big house where we both could live
> 
> If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
> Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show  
> I know it's not much but it's the best I can do  
> My gift is my song and this one's for you
> 
> And you can tell everybody this is your song  
> It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
> I hope you don't mind  
> I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
> How wonderful life is while you're in the world
> 
> I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss  
> Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross  
> But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song  
> It's for people like you that keep it turned on
> 
> So excuse me forgetting but these things I do  
> You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue  
> Anyway the thing is what I really mean  
> Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen
> 
> And you can tell everybody this is your song  
> It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
> I hope you don't mind  
> I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
> How wonderful life is while you're in the world
> 
> I hope you don't mind  
> I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
> How wonderful life is while you're in the world

“Cas!  They’ll be here any minute now!” Dean called upstairs, starting to get a little frantic.  He moved around the kitchen like second nature, even though they’d only moved in a few weeks ago he already had the space committed to muscle memory.  He checked the oven and the slow cooker one last time, double checking the cold food in the fridge, before putting away the last of the dishes.  He turned towards the archway leading into the kitchen to shout for Cas again and saw him leaning on the door frame with a smile on his face.

“Relax, Dean.  It’s just dinner,” he said with a laugh.  Dean took a deep breath, glancing around the kitchen one last time.

“Yeah, but it’s our _first_ dinner party, in our new place,” he pointed out, walking up to Cas and placing a kiss on his temple, moving past him into the dining/living room.  Dean’s gaze ran over the place settings at the dining table before falling over the rest of their home.

_Their home._

The entire main floor was done in blue, grey, and dark brown, from the kitchen to the living area.  Dean had built some new bookshelves to flank their entertainment center, his large movie collection on display, along with some new framed pictures of his family.  Charlie and Thia had bought them a set of eight frames as a housewarming gift, and they added a personal touch to their still fairly bare home.  Dean found himself pulled, as he had been so many times before, over to the shelves they sat on, examining the pictures fondly.  

Dean and his co-workers out in front of the shop, Cas with Thia and Charlie, Dean and Sam with Cas and Jess, Dean and Charlie, Cas and Sam, and three of Dean’s favorite pictures of him and Cas from St. Augustine.  He felt Cas’ arms snake around him as he looked over the pictures, but he didn’t say anything.  The beauty of their relationship was sometimes they didn’t need to say anything to understand what the other was thinking, just a soft touch said all that needed saying.

Upstairs, only two of the four bedrooms had been put to any use, the other two serving as temporary storage until they finished fully unpacking.  Cas’ bedroom furniture had been moved into the master bedroom with Dean’s dresser, and Dean’s bed had been placed in one of the other bedrooms, along with Cas’ desk and some of Dean’s old bookshelves, turning it into a mini office/ guest room.  Cas had wanted to buy all new master bedroom furniture, but there was nothing wrong with what he had, and Dean managed to talk him down to only buying a new mattress.  Of course, Cas bought the most ridiculously comfortable mattress money could buy, but Dean took the small furniture saving victory and moved past it.

Of course, neither of them minded the expense of the jacuzzi bath Cas had installed in the master bathroom, that went without saying.

Everywhere Dean looked, he saw his old things in new places, and some of Cas’ things as well, and they blended into something comfortable and shared, and though he would never admit it to anyone, the sight always gave Dean a warm, fuzzy feeling.  And on this seemingly unimportant Saturday, he was hosting his first ever dinner party.  The old Dean would have picked on him for his housewife side, but the new Dean couldn't have cared less.

The doorbell rang, pulling Dean out of his daydream.  He beamed at Cas and walked to the door, pulling it open with a flourish.

“Hey, Sammy,” he said, grinning as his brother wrapped him in a hug.

“Hey, Dean.  Food smells delicious, by the way,” his brother said, stepping aside so Jess could walk in the house behind him.  She wrapped Dean up in a hug as well as Sam moved to say hello to Cas.

“How are you today?” she asked quietly, looking at him expectantly.  Dean took a deep breath.

“Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow,” he answered, smiling broadly.  She smiled back and moved to say hello to Cas.  

His trip to the hospital wasn’t the end to his anxiety, as much as Dean would have liked it to be.  The nightmares still came some nights, harsh and sudden, but Cas had been working with Jess on some calming techniques for Dean, and they were helping tremendously.  As a reminder that it would always get better, no matter how bad it got, Cas and Jess had come up with a call and response, and as silly as it seemed to Dean at first, it worked for him.  Sometimes on a bad night, he’d be on the verge of breaking down, and all Cas would have to do is ask the question, ‘how are you today?’, and Dean would be able to pull himself out of it.  

“Charlie should be here shortly,” Cas was saying to Jess.  “Let me show you the office, we’ve finally finished it,” he led her upstairs, chatting about interior design, and Sam smirked at Dean, slapping him on the shoulder.

“Look at you, a tax paying homeowner,” he said.  Dean shoved him playfully.

“Shut up, Sam.”

“No I’m serious, I’m proud of you, man.”  He stepped towards Dean, his arms open wide.  “C’mon, hug time!” he called, a sappy look on his face.  Dean pulled a face of mock horror and took off across the living room.

“Cas!  Sam’s acting creepy again!” Dean called, dodging his brother’s attempts to grab hold of him.  Sam gave up when the doorbell rang again, laughing at Dean’s expense as he walked over to answer the door.

“Hey!  It’s my house!” Dean called after him, an indignant frown on his face.  Charlie, Thia, Ellen, and Jo all walked in together.

“Then you should get to the door before your guests!” Jo called over her shoulder, winking at Dean.  Charlie laughed, walking up to Dean and wrapping him in a tight hug.

“Sam’s got longer legs,” Dean muttered.  Ellen rolled her eyes at him over Charlie’s shoulder.

“You keep telling yourself that,” Ellen said with a smile.  Thia gave Dean a hug as well, just as Cas and Jess were coming back downstairs.  The final hellos were shared and they all settled in the living room, sharing easy small talk while Dean took the london broil out to let it rest.  Dean hovered around the room, fetching drinks and checking on the food, until finally it was ready.  Dean stepped back out of the kitchen, rubbing his hands together eagerly, trying not to grin like a fool.

“Okay, everyone, grab a seat at the table.  Sam, Cas, come help me serve dinner?” Dean called.  

“But I’m a guest,” Sam said indignantly at being volunteered to help.

“You’re my little brother, you’re never just a guest,” Dean pointed out.  Cas shrugged at Sam in a way that said ‘just go with it’, and Sam huffed a small laugh.  A few smirks were exchanged between the rest of the group at Dean playing host, but Dean was too focused on dinner to pay them any mind.  He was grinning from ear to ear, because his family was here in his home to eat a dinner he’d made, and when Cas pressed a soft touch against the small of his back as he passed by, he paused to steal a kiss.  

“All you’re missing is a frilly little apron,” Cas giggled, pulling a flush to Dean’s cheeks.  That thought brought to mind a slew of images he didn't want to think about with his family there.

“I’ll get you back for that,” Dean muttered.

He sent Cas out with the salad mix and salad bowls, slicing the london broil and setting it on a serving plate as he sent Sam and Cas to put his homemade garlic mashed potatoes and broccoli on the table.  Cas fetched everyone another round of drinks then made his way to his seat.  Once they were alone in the kitchen, Sam nudged Dean.

“What?” Dean asked, finishing up slicing the last of the meat.  Sam shushed him quietly, sending a furtive look over his shoulder before pulling a small velvet box out of his pocket.  Dean just blinked at his brother, who had a dopey grin on his face.

“Tonight, I figured, since everyone was here,” he whispered.  Dean beamed at his brother and gestured at the gravy.

“Then let’s get dinner going,” Dean said, grabbing the serving plate full of sliced beef.

Dean never really liked getting compliments, but he basked in them as everyone sang praises about his dinner that night.  Cas was shining with pride for Dean, making jokes about having to work out more often since they’d moved in.

“Dean’s so used to feeding Sam, he always makes enough food for an army.  If I’m not careful I’m going to blow up like a balloon,” Cas teased.  It got a decent laugh out of everyone, including Dean.  

"I don't eat that much," Sam said indignantly.  Ellen barked out a laugh.

"I can't count the number of times Bobby brought you boys to dinner, and by the time you were done you'd cleaned out my pantry," she said fondly.

"I know right?  Grocery shopping is a nightmare!" Jess agreed.  "And I have no idea where he packs it all," she added, patting Sam's stomach.  

"Don't even get me started.  Growing up I had to work twice as hard in the gym to keep up with him.  Had to make sure I stayed the good looking brother," Dean said with a roguish wink.  

"You keep telling yourself that," Jo said, rolling her eyes.  Dean looked at her, feigning offense, and everyone broke out laughing.  Once the food was cleared, Cas stood and started to tidy up the dirty dishes, but when Dean went to help, Jess grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and sat him back down.

“Nope, you did the cooking, we’ll get the cleaning,” she insisted, grabbing a stack of dishes and walking out to the kitchen with Cas.  Everyone got up from the dining room table, moving back out into the living room and getting comfortable.  Dean settled back in his arm chair with a grunt, glancing at his overstuffed stomach and reflecting that maybe Cas was right about needing to hit the gym a bit more often.  Sam was fiddling in his pocket, and he caught his gaze when Jess walked back out from the kitchen, giving Dean a silent signal that he was ready.  Dean gave him an encouraging smile as Cas walked over and sat at Dean’s feet, leaning against his knees, his smile fading into a puzzled expression when he looked up at Dean's expectant face.  He opened his mouth to say something but Dean just shook his head, reaching out to take his hand and squeeze tightly.  Charlie was in the middle of telling an animated story about how she’d met Sean Astin at a convention (by almost crushing him with a display table), so no one else in the room noticed the silent exchange.  

“And that’s why I should get more than 3 hours of sleep before going to conventions,” she finished with a flourish.

“Who are you kidding, it’s more fun that way!” Jo added, laughing.  Once the laughter had died down slightly, Sam cleared his throat to get the attention of the room.

“So, I have a question,” he started casually, and Dean was very impressed with how relaxed Sam was, considering what he was about to ask.  

“Go for it,” Thia said.

“I’ve got this problem with a girl.  See, she just won’t leave me alone, no matter where I am, she seems to show up and bother me.  She even sneaks in my apartment some nights and crawls into bed with me.  I have done everything I can think of to get her to leave and she just won’t do it,” Sam paused, a shit eating grin on his face.  Dean was watching Jess carefully, her face changing from confusion, to concern, to bemused, and now she looked completely stunned.  “So since I can’t get her to leave me alone-” Sam pulled the ring out of his pocket, Charlie and Jo gasping in unison, “-you think I should just go ahead and marry her?” he finished, holding out the gold and diamond ring to Jess, and Dean had to stifle a laugh as Sam put on his best puppy dog eyes.

“Of course, you silly giant!” Jess gasped, grabbing the ring and jumping on him, and Dean laughed and cheered with everyone else.  Cas looked up at Dean, happiness shining in both their eyes.

“Did you know?” he asked quietly.  Dean nodded.

“But only after they got here for dinner,” he whispered back, leaning in to kiss the top of Cas’ head.  Everyone was standing to hug Sam and Jess, offering congratulations and hugs, the girls all cooing over the ring.  Dean walked up to Sam, shaking his hand firmly.

“You’re not the only one going domestic,” Sam laughed, his cheeks flushed but a huge grin all over his face.  Dean swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Guess not,” Dean chuckled.  "You did good, Sammy," Dean said fondly.  Sam looked over at Jess, swallowing hard.

"Thanks, Dean," he said quietly.  A sudden idea occurred to Dean then, and he made his way out into the kitchen.  He thought he had a handful of cans of ginger ale in the back of his fridge, and since champagne wasn't an option, he figured this was the next best thing.  He pulled out his unused wine glasses, pouring out a cup for each person and putting them on a cookie sheet as a makeshift serving tray.  He slowly made his way back out into the room, balancing the tray carefully between his hands.

“I know I’m the party pooper so we can’t have real bubbly," he announced as he walked into view, "but I’ve got the next best thing,” he lowered the carefully balanced tray to his coffee table.

"Hey, don't apologize for that!" Ellen said sharply, gently slapping him on the back of the head.  Dean flushed muttering an apology as she gave him a tight hug.  Everyone grabbed a glass, raising them in toast to Sam and Jess.

“To family,” Cas said solemnly.  Everyone fell silent at that announcement for a brief moment.

“To family,” Jo echoed, smiling over at Cas.  It was small, but Jo looking at Cas like that brought it home for Dean, and he blinked to get rid of the moisture in his eyes.  Everyone else echoed the toast and took a sip.

“To finally getting some grandbabies,” Ellen joked with a pointed look at Jo.  There was another good laugh from the room, and Dean playfully nudged Sam with his elbow.

"You hear that? Hop to it!" he laughed.  Sam flushed crimson, and Jess kissed his cheek.

“Aw, poor Sam,” she giggled.  Dean took the cookie sheet back out to the kitchen, Cas following with a couple of the empty glasses.

"Successful dinner party?" Cas asked with a smile.

"I don't think I've ever been this happy, Cas," Dean sighed, leaning on the counter.  "It doesn't even feel real."  Cas walked up to him, sliding his arms around Dean's neck and leaning against him.

"It's real, I promise," Cas said, smiling.  He pressed a soft kiss against Dean's lips before letting go and walking out to rejoin the others.  

Two hours, and a multitude of embarrassing stories about Sam later, everyone was finally saying their goodbyes.  When at last Sam and Jess stepped out the door, Dean closed and locked it behind him, leaning on it with a huff.

"You did it," Cas said with a smile as he finished cleaning up the kitchen.  Dean nodded, walking over and wrapping his arms around Cas' waist.

"We did it," Dean said, pressing his lips to the base of Cas' neck.

"I set the table, Dean.  You did all the work."  Dean turned Cas to face him, cupping his face gently.  

"I know that if you weren't in my life, I wouldn't have this.”  Deana had gotten way more cheesy since moving in with Cas, but truth be told he’d gladly deal with the embarrassment just to see the look on Cas’ face.  “I wouldn't be sober, for sure.  Which means my family wouldn’t want to be around me, and I probably wouldn’t be with you right now..."  

"Dean, stop..." Cas flushed and looked down, and Dean did the single most cheesy thing he's ever done in his entire life.

" _It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside_ ," he started singing.  Cas' eyes snapped back up to Dean's, widening in wonder.  " _I'm not one of those who can easily hide.  I don't have much money, but, boy if I did.  I'd buy a big house where we both could live_."

"Dean-" Cas sighed.  Dean pressed on, resting his forehead against Cas'.

" _If I was a sculptor, but then again, no.  Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show! I know it's not much but it's the best I can do.  My gift is my song and this one's for you._ "  Dean wrapped an arm around Cas' waist, his other hand grabbing hold of one of Cas' as he started to sway.  Cas was giggling, and Dean felt the blush on his cheeks, but he knew Cas loved his voice, and he was feeling so happy and so overwhelmed with love Dean just couldn't help himself.  " _And you can tell anybody this is your song.  It may be quite simple but, now that it's done, I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words how wonderful life is, now you're in the world._ "  Cas sealed his lips over Dean's to stop him from singing, and when he pulled back they were both breathless.

"You are ridiculous, Mr. Winchester."  Cas planted another kiss on Dean before pulling away, practically dragging Dean towards the stairs and up to their bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squeeeeeeeeee
> 
> Told you it was teeth rottingly fluffy XD
> 
> I just wanted them to have a nice, happy, sweet chapter, alright? Sue me.


	27. Time After Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, mostly just to set up what's coming in the next few chapters. We're about to wrap this up kids! I'm getting a bit sad, I really enjoyed this Dean and Cas. But with one story's end, another begins!!
> 
> Just some silly fluff in this chapter, not much content.
> 
> BUT COMMENT ANYWAY *heart eyes*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 27: Time After Time- Cyndi Lauper  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V17N1Pg7O0  
> Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,  
> And think of you  
> Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new  
> Flashback - warm nights -  
> Almost left behind  
> Suitcases of memories, time after -
> 
> Sometimes you picture me -  
> I'm walking too far ahead  
> You're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said -  
> Then you say - go slow - I fall behind -  
> The second hand unwinds
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> If you're lost you can look - and you will find me  
> Time after time  
> If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting   
> Time after time
> 
> After my picture fades and darkness has   
> Turned to gray  
> Watching through windows - you're wondering if I'm OK  
> Secrets stolen from deep inside  
> The drum beats out of time -
> 
> [Chorus:]
> 
> You said go slow -  
> I fall behind  
> The second hand unwinds -
> 
> [Chorus:]  
> If you're lost...  
> ...Time after time  
> Time after time, Time after time, Time after time

It was well on its way to lunch time when Dean finally woke up the next morning.  Cas was curled up in his arms, looking so peaceful and happy, and Dean replayed the night before in his mind a few times, soaking up the good feeling.  He needed to serenade Cas more often, because the sex afterwards was _just_...  Dean took a deep breath, reluctantly admitting to himself that they should probably get ready for what was left of the day.  He kissed the back of Cas' neck softly, whispering his name until he began to stir, and when Cas was finally awake, he groaned, burying his face deeper in the pillow.

"Hey sleepy," Dean cooed, tickling his fingers down Cas' ribs gently.  Cas squirmed away from the touch, groaning again after he rolled over on his stomach.

"Ngh, gross, I'm filthy," he muttered, shooting Dean a glare over his shoulder.  Dean was a bit sticky and uncomfortable himself, but Cas’ adorable grumpiness was too much, and Dean pulled him back into his arms, cuddling him tightly.

"You know you don't mind," he purred.  Cas grunted in dissent, fixing Dean with another grumpy glare as he wiggled out of his arms and made his way to the shower.  Dean chuckled to himself, stretching and standing, removing the dirty sheets from the bed and finding clean ones in the linen closet.  As he waited for the shower, knowing Cas was in too surly of a mood for Dean to join him, he started making the bed with a stupidly proud grin on his face.  Everything from last night was _perfect_ , and Dean was on such an emotional high he didn’t know if he’d ever come down.  When Cas walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, Dean made eyes at him, and earned himself another squinty eyed glare.

"Don't even try it, mister," Cas grumbled, going into their closet for some clothes.  Dean laughed, holding up his hands in defeat.

"Okay, hands off, I got it.  Guess the sex last night wasn’t as mind blowing for you as it was for me."  Cas turned, in indignant look on his face.

“That wasn’t what I-” Cas started, but when he saw the wicked grin on Dean’s face he frowned again and turned away to get dressed.  Dean walked over towards the bathroom, stopping on his way by to lean over Cas’ shoulder, whispering in his ear.  

“You were beautiful last night, the way you were begging for me to take you,” he hummed.  Cas shuddered, and when he looked over at Dean to push him away, Dean saw the was he was struggling hard now not to smile.

“Go get cleaned up, you horny bastard,” Cas sighed, turning back to his shirt buttons.  Dean laughed, moving into the bathroom and climbing into his own shower.  He had to admit, it felt wonderful to get the stickiness off his skin, and once he was finished getting dressed, he made his way downstairs into the kitchen, where Cas handed him a coffee and a lunch meat sandwich.

“Brunch,” he said simply, and Dean shrugged, sitting at the kitchen table.

“Brunch it is,” he agreed.  He took a bite of his sandwich, smiling because Cas made it just the way he liked it.  Cas sat next to Dean, running his hand over his back to show him he wasn’t really mad about that morning, even though Dean already knew.

"How are you today?" Cas asked, sipping on his coffee, his own sandwich already finished.  Dean felt the soothing effect of those words wash through him, and he nudged Cas’ leg with his knee affectionately.

"Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow," he answered confidently.  Cas smiled and let Dean finish his food in a comfortable silence, Cas checking and sending some emails from his phone.

"Any news yet on the job front?" Dean asked.  Cas shook his head.

"No, but there's no hurry," he answered, setting down his phone.  All of Cas' business relationships evaporated overnight after Michael's visit, so in spite of his Master's degree and years of experience, he was stuck applying for everyday jobs the old fashioned way.  Dean secretly didn't mind having Cas at home all the time, but he knew Cas was getting restless having nothing to do all day.

"You'll find something," Dean said, smiling at him, and Cas nodded.

"Guess you don't want me as a househusband?" he said casually, "I could go buy some aprons, take up knitting or something..." Dean laughed.

"Dude, seriously?" he said, grinning at Cas, “Knitting?”  Cas shrugged, smiling back and wiping some mustard off Dean's cheek.

“Yeah, I can’t see it either,” Cas sighed.

“Let’s get you out of the house, before you start reading too much ‘Good Housekeeping’,” Dean said, giving Cas a look of mock horror at the very idea.  

"We need to go to the store today," Cas pointed out, "I've got a list started of things we need, and some things I'd like to get for the house."  

"Shopping?  I was hoping for something a little more fun," Dean whines at him, pouting.  Cas rolled his eyes.

"There's nothing to eat in the house, Dean.  So unless you'd like to starve..."

"Alright, shopping it is," Dean said, finishing his brunch and cleaning up his plate.

Since Cas wanted some home goods as well as groceries, Dean drove them to the Super Target down the road from them.  For someone who ran a small, privately owned shop, Target was a bit big box for Dean, but he had to admit that it made life easier to get everything done in one trip, so he grabbed a cart and followed Cas' purposeful steps into the store.  Cas bee lined it to the home goods area, grabbing a clock and a small lamp for one of the tables in the living room before he made his way to the office goods, and started loading up the cart with basic office supplies to supplement what they had at home.  Dean must have let his confusion show on his face, because Cas looked up at him and frowned slightly before launching into an explanation.

"There's a good chance I'll have to work from home, do some accounting work for people, if I don't get any calls.  I wanna be prepared."  He said it quickly, almost rehearsed, and Dean just shrugged, a little put off by his defensiveness.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Cas," Dean said with a half smile.  Cas flushed, looking over what was in the cart.

"I've got all I need, anyway.  Let's go get the food," he mumbled.  Dean just shook his head, following him as he walked off to the other end of the store.  Something was off about Cas this morning, he seemed tense, more restless than usual.  Or maybe Dean was just that blissed out anyone else seemed grumpy in comparison.  Dean reasoned it was probably Cas getting cabin fever, being stuck with nothing to do had to be taking its toll on him, since he'd been working non stop his whole life to keep up with his family.  Dean placed soft touches against his back and arms as they shopped, and Cas relaxed slightly as they moved through the store, and his brow eventually smoothed out, the corner of his lips pulling upwards.

About halfway through the grocery section, Cas' phone starts ringing.  He pulls it out, and when he sees the name on the caller ID he flushes.  

"I have to take this," he sighs, looking at Dean apologetically.

"Secret boyfriend?" Dean jokes with a laugh.  Without answering, Cas gives the shopping list to Dean and moves off, turning down an aisle away from Dean as he picked up the call.  Dean just stares at the corner he disappeared around for a moment.  "Just joking," he muttered, continuing on with the groceries, hoping for the sake of Cas' sanity it was a job interview.  He made it through the last aisle, grabbing a few things he wanted that weren't on the list, and made his way up to the front of the store, getting in a checkout line as he looked around for Cas.  Glancing at his watch, he realized it had been almost 20 minutes since he got the call, and Dean was starting to wonder where Cas had gotten to.  He shot Cas a text telling him what line he was in, continuing to look around the store after putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Sir?" the cashier called.  Dean turned and saw the person in front of him had finished paying, and he scrambled to unload the cart.

"Oh, looking for someone," he said quickly, loading up the conveyor belt.  He was loading up the last of the groceries when Cas finally ran up.

"Sorry!  That took longer than I thought it would," Cas said breathlessly, rushing up like he had run across the store.

"I was beginning to wonder if you got lost," Dean said, pulling the cart out of the way so he could put their bags in it.  Cas swiped his card to pay for their stuff.

"I, uh, got a call about a job," he said distractedly.  He took his receipt from the cashier, who was glaring at the two of them as Dean tried to get them out of the way.  Dean raised his eyebrows at Cas, a bit confused.

"And yet you don't seem excited..." He said, pushing their cart towards the door.  "In fact you seem a little nervous."  Cas looked over at Dean, and he seemed just as confused as Dean was.

"It's not a sure thing, not yet, I don't want to get too worked up." he said simply.  Dean sighed, opening up Baby's trunk and helping Cas load up their things.

"Alright.  Can I at least know what type of job it is?" he asked.

"Office management type thing," Cas said evasively, not looking at Dean.  Dean raised an eyebrow, stopping halfway through lowering a bag into the trunk.  Now he was being secretive on purpose.

"Really?  Is that the technical term?" Dean pushed.  Cas flushed again.

"I'll tell you more when I know more," he muttered, loading the last bag.  Dean closed the trunk before holding up his hands in defeat.

"Alright, you win," he sighed, "I'll let it go this time."  Cas walked off to put the cart away, and Dean climbed into the car to get the air running.  He found himself insanely curious, if only because Cas was trying so hard not to talk about it.  He didn't think Cas was lying to him, but something was going on, because it wasn't like Cas to keep anything from him at all.  Was Cas ashamed of whatever it was?  He had a pretty cushy job before, if he was reduced to something he thought was too easy, or menial... Dean had offered to hire him on at Singers, but Cas had pointed out how inappropriate it would be for the two of them to work together in a boss/ employee relationship.  

Was there more to why he turned the job down?

Dean was caught up in his thoughts, so the drive home was made in silence.  When they got back, Cas helped unload their bags from the car to the house, then disappeared into the office with the supplies he'd bought, leaving Dean on his own to get the food put away and dinner started.  

No, Cas wasn't ignoring him, was he?  

He threw together a quick homemade pizza, and by the time it was cooked, Cas came back down from the office with a big smile on his face, like he hadn't been acting weird all day.

"Smells awesome," he sighed, walking out to the kitchen to sit next to Dean.  Dean forced a smile on his face, kissing Cas on the cheek as he served him his dinner.  When Cas looked up at him with shining eyes, it turned his smile genuine.  Dean was over reacting, there was nothing wrong, there couldn't be.

After dinner they curled up on the couch, watching the second Thor movie.  It was a recent addition to Dean's movie collection, so for once neither of them had seen it.  A scene went by with no dialogue, but a ridiculously close up and prolonged shot of Chris Hemsworth's water splashed abs.  Cas giggled under Dean's arm, and Dean glanced down with disbelieving eyes.

"Tell me you just giggled," he laughed.  Cas flushed bright red, ducking his face away from Dean's.

"It's just kind of ridiculous, there's no need for that scene in there," Cas muttered.  "It's silly."  Dean rewound the movie, replaying the scene again.

"I dunno, I think it contributes greatly to the narrative," he said, trying to keep his face serious.  Cas rolled his eyes at him, overdramatically.

"Didn't think he was your type," Cas said, crossing his arms.  Dean rewound the movie again, pausing it at just the right time, making Cas flush again and squirm as Dean pulled him tight against him.  

"S'matter, Cas?  Half naked men make you uncomfortable?" Dean teased.  Cas groaned and tried to grab the remote, but Dean held it just out of his reach.

"Really, Dean?" he sighed, flopping back on the couch with a huff.

"He's not really my type, you're right," Dean said, kissing the top of Cas' head, "but I can appreciate a good set of abs," Dean added in a sing song voice.  Cas looked up to Dean squinting his eyes at him.  The muscles in Cas' face bunched as he tried not to smile, so Dean raised an eyebrow and puckered his lips at him seductively and Cas gave in, bursting into a fit of the giggles.

"Okay, Captain America, we've established both you and Thor's sexiness, can we finish the movie now?" Cas sighed, blushing.  Dean kissed him, relaxing back into the couch and pulling Cas close.

"I suppose," he sighed.  He hesitated before turning the movie back on.  "You really think I look like Captain America?" he asked.  Cas groaned loudly, snatching the remote and unpausing the movie, nestling his face against Dean's chest as Dean chuckled.  They made it most of the way through the movie before Cas’ phone started buzzing incessantly, his email alert sounding.  Dean paused the movie after the third chime.

“It’s fine, I’ll get it later,” Cas said, gesturing at the TV, but Dean nudged him.

“Get it now, it’s alright.  It doesn't seem to be stopping, anyway," he pointed out.  Cas pulled out his phone, sitting up to answer whomever was emailing him over and over.  As he sat at the far end of the couch, fingers flying over his phone, Dean wondered back to Target that afternoon.  He knew he should probably just let it go, but Cas' behavior was too odd for Dean to ignore.  Cas must have felt Dean's eyes on him.

"What is it?" He asked, not looking up from his phone.

"Nothing, really, it's just... You've been acting weird today," Dean said softly.  Cas' fingers paused for a second, before he finished his current message and slid his phone back in his pocket.

"I- I have got a bit on my mind, I guess," Cas sighed.  

"Like what?" Dean asked.  Cas chewed on the corner of his lip for a moment.

“It’s nothing Dean-”

“Like what?” he asked again.  Cas took a moment, examining his fingers where they rested in his lap.

"I went back to see my therapist a few times these past couple weeks.  She’s been talking with me, helping me out with some things-"  Dean immediately felt his heart sink.

"Your therapist? What's wrong?" Dean asked, turning his body to face him.  As far as Dean knew, Cas hadn't been to see her since he kicked drugs a few years ago, and that thought alone was enough to get Dean's adrenaline flowing.  Cas let out a breathy laugh.

"You're proving a point," he sighed to himself.  Dean felt his brow furrow in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"Everything is okay, Dean.  I promise.  I just wanted to talk to someone, other than you, about my brothers.”  He paused.  “I wanted to talk about being with you, too.  She helped me get some stuff out about what Michael had done, sound out some things to help me move past it.  I have to take care of you, I wanted to make sure I wasn't neglecting myself."  

“You don’t have to take care of me Cas-”

“Yes, I do,” he said firmly.  He reached out, running a hand over Dean's cheek.  "I'm okay, really.  I just needed to talk to someone on the outside of all this."  Dean processed that for a moment, trying to convince himself Cas was alright.

"You needed to talk about me, too?" Dean asked quietly, that uneasy feeling creeping around in his gut.  Cas crawled across the couch, climbing into Dean's lap, wrapping his arms around his neck.

"You have a _need_ to take care of people, Dean, like you did for your brother his whole life, putting him before yourself.  And I was so used to taking care of myself on my own, I just wanted to make sure that we weren't busy butting heads all the time about who was taking care of the other.  I needed help giving you space, and help on how to deal with your stubborn butt when I try to take care of you."  Cas was smiling warmly at Dean, and he had to admit Cas was making sense.

"Sorry I'm such a pain," Dean sighed, dropping his head to rest against Cas' collarbone.

"Don't apologize for who you are," Cas said, running a hand through Dean's hair.  "Never apologize for that."  He paused for a while, letting Dean adjust to the information.

"So who was on the phone at Target?" Dean asked.  Cas chuckled.

"You are not letting that go, are you?" he sighed.  "I'll tell you when I can.  I promise, it's nothing earth shattering, okay?"  Dean lifted his head, looking up at Cas' open and honest eyes.

"Alright, you get a pass this time," Dean said, smiling back.

"How are you today?" Cas asked, just to be sure.  Dean kissed him.

"Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow," he laughed.  They finally settled in to finish the movie, though they spent most of the time sharing chaste kisses and smiles, and Dean knew he was going to have to watch it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will hopefully have another chapter up in a few days, this is wrapping up nicely XD


	28. Fly Me To The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so yeah, I'm posting very quickly, but this story is wrapping up nicely, and I've got NaNo to plan for. I'm sure you guys are all complaining ;D
> 
> Some more fluff, and it comes across as fluff without plot, but Cas is more devious than he lets on in this chapter, so bear with it. ((Again, complaints for too much fluff?? Don't think so XD ))
> 
> Enjoy the quick posts ya'll!!
> 
> PSST: Comments??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 28: Fly Me To The Moon (In Other Words)- Frank Sinatra  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hxibHJOE5E  
> Fly me to the moon  
> Let me play among the stars  
> Let me see what spring is like  
> On a-Jupiter and Mars  
> In other words, hold my hand  
> In other words, baby, kiss me
> 
> Fill my heart with song  
> And let me sing for ever more  
> You are all I long for  
> All I worship and adore  
> In other words, please be true  
> In other words, I love you
> 
> [instrumental-first verse]
> 
> Fill my heart with song  
> Let me sing for ever more  
> You are all I long for  
> All I worship and adore  
> In other words, please be true  
> In other words, in other words  
> I love [3 piano notes] you

Dean grudgingly got up for work the next morning, something that had gotten so much harder to do now that Cas was there to send him off every day, but somehow he managed.  In spite of Cas' intelligent budget plans and large savings, Dean was the sole breadwinner in the house, and that thought gave Dean the push he needed to make the short drive to Singer's Supplies day after day.

He showered and dressed, making his way out to the kitchen to see Cas had laid out a plate of toast and a banana for him, a cup of coffee steaming next to the plate.  The easy smile on Cas’ face put aside all worry Dean had felt about his behavior the day before, and Dean gave him a soft kiss on the cheek before sitting to eat.

“Got any plans today?” Dean asked.  Cas shrugged.

“I was going to go for a walk, maybe make my way into town and meet Charlie for lunch?” he said, casually.  It was over a four mile walk to Charlie’s from their house, and though there was a bus stop that would make that a much easier trip, Cas liked to go on foot.  Dean figured it kept him sane and was better than him just sitting in the house all day, so after being turned down a few times in the beginning he stopped offering Cas rides.  

“Charlie found you any work yet?” he asked.  Cas shook his head.

“She offered to hire me, but I know she can’t afford it right now.”  Cas walked over to Dean, kissing his temple softly.  “Don’t worry about me, I’ll keep busy.  Wouldn’t want to get too chubby,” he joked, and Dean wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his stomach.

“I think you’d be adorable with a little pudge, just saying,” he teased.  Cas rolled his eyes, pulling away from him so Dean could finish his breakfast without distraction.  After a lingering kiss goodbye, Dean made his way out to his car, driving the short distance to his shop.

He opened on his own that morning, Nick coming in around 11 to cover the closing shift.  Dean took a lunch, and when he got back, Nick grabbed some stock and started filling the shelves.

"How's Sarah and the little one?" Dean asked, leaning back in the chair behind the counter.  Nick's face lit up with pride.

"Only five weeks left, she's doing really well.  Tristan's doing good, though from the way he kicks we should start him in peewee soccer as soon as he can walk," Nick laughed.  He walked up and put the box of flashlights he was about to stock down on the counter.  "Here, I have a picture.  Sarah insisted on doing this 3D ultrasound thing..."  He dug out his wallet and handed Dean a small, strange looking picture of a baby.  It was oddly unnerving, to think that this baby hadn’t been born yet and you could see the shape of it’s ears and nose.

"Wow," Dean said, unsure what else to say, handing it back to Nick.

"Yeah, I'll be honest, creeped me out a little at first."  He grinned and Dean chuckled.

“Hey, technology these days, right?”  Nick nodded in agreement, looking at the picture with a smile before sliding it back in his wallet.  

“It’s my kid, dude.  My little boy.”  Dean smiled at Nick’s goofy grin.  Dean realized something then, almost forgetting he had to do the whole ‘boss’ thing.

"You going to need some paternity leave?" Dean asked, making a mental note to pull up insurance papers later.  Nick's eyes widened, apparently surprised at Dean’s offer.

"I- yeah, that would be awesome!" Nick said, grinning foolishly.  "Sarah is getting three months off, but I know that first month she's going to need help..."  Dean smiled.

"I'll work the schedules out, and I'll check the budget, see if I can pay you at least half salary," Dean said with a smile.  There were some perks to owning your own business, after all.  The store had done well enough that summer that even if it was tight, Dean could take a small cut in his own hours to make up for it.  Nick laughed nervously.

"I'm gonna be a dad, man," he sighed, running his hand through his short blonde hair.  "I'm going to have a son.  I still can’t wrap my head around it."

"You got this," Dean pat him on the shoulder.  "And you're going to do a fantastic job."  Nick took a deep breath, picking up the box of waterproof flashlights he’d brought out of the back room.

"You think you're going to have any?" Nick asked as he walked over to the shelf the flashlights were hung from.  "You'd be great at it, you know.  You’ve got the patience," Nick pointed out as he started hanging the flashlights on their pegs.  Dean paused mid number on the invoice he was filling out.

"Any kids?" he asked, sounding and feeling slightly panicked.  Nick shrugged.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm not trying to speak out of turn or anything, but you and Cas seem pretty serious, like forever serious."  From Nick's voice and demeanor, Dean knows he's not trying to send him on an out of control spiral on purpose.  But that question... He hadn't even thought about that yet.  "You've got all that space in that house to fill up," he added.  Dean felt his heart racing, and swallowed hard, trying to work moisture back into his mouth.

"I dunno, we'll see how we feel in a few years," Dean muttered.  Nick nodded and they moved on to more comfortable conversation, though now that Nick had brought it up, Dean couldn't stop thinking about the question.  Did he want kids?  Did Cas??  Was he even ready to have that conversation?   _Okay, cart before the horse, Dean_.  They hadn't even talked about getting married yet.  Another wave of nerves hit Dean at the thought of standing up in front of a crowd of people, Cas next to him, saying wedding vows… He excused himself to the back room and did a handful of breathing exercises to calm his racing heart.  They'd only just gotten control of this, of his panic attacks, adding all of this to their plate wasn't something Dean didn’t think he was ready for yet.  Dean put the papers he’d brought from the front on the desk and wrote the date on the next sheet of the invoice, staring at it for a moment.  

August 3rd.  

They hadn't even known each other for a whole year yet.  It felt so much longer than that, all the changes that Dean had been through had to have taken longer than 11 months...

Luckily for Dean the store picked up a bit in the late afternoon, and between customers and start of the week paperwork, he was able to keep his mind off of his and Nick's conversation until he clocked out to leave.  Once he sat down in Baby and started the short drive home, it hit him all over again.  After the childhood he’d had, the poor relationship with his own father, Dean had never worried about kids any farther than making sure he wore a condom at all times whenever he was with a woman.  When he was with Lisa, he had gotten close with her son, Ben, had even grown to really care about the kid, but he’d never made it to the father phase of that relationship.  He was content with that being the closest he’d ever get.  But now, with Cas in his life, he had a real chance, a chance to get it right.

Dean had to do another breathing exercise before getting out of the car, so that when he walked in the house Cas wouldn't be too concerned about him.  

"Hey, you're home!" Cas said brightly when Dean pushed the door open.  He hopped up from the couch, rushing over to Dean, looking exhausted but happy.

"Hey, babe," Dean sighed, kicking off his shoes.

"I cleaned out the garage today," Cas said, his bright smile starting to fade slightly at Dean's lackluster greeting.  "You have a long day?" he asked.  Dean shrugged out of his over shirt, tossing it on the couch and cupping Cas' face, kissing him sweetly.  Yes, they would have that conversation but at that exact moment Dean was too tired to deal with it.

"I did have a long day.  But I'm here now, so it's all good," he said with a smile.  Cas' grin broke out across his face again.

"Here, come see the garage," he said, taking Dean's hand and leading him to the kitchen.  He opened the side garage door, reaching in and turning on one of the lights.  Dean looked around, impressed.  Cas had unpacked all of his tools he used for maintaining Baby, setting up the workbench Dean had bought.  He'd even found an old lamp to put on Dean's workstation.

"It's perfect, babe," Dean said, leaning in and kissing Cas on the cheek.  "Really, it's..." He paused, his eyes adjusting to the dim light on the other side of their two car garage.  "What's that?" he asked, even though he had a feeling he already knew.

"It was supposed to be an anniversary present," Cas said softly, “but I got a call saying that if I wanted it I had to take it now.  That's who I was talking to at Target yesterday."  Cas turned on the other light for the second half of the garage, and sure enough, there was a car covered by a sheet.

"Cas, you gotta stop buying me stuff, man," Dean sighed.  He would never get used to the amount of money Cas threw around, and made a mental note to tell Cas as much.

"You haven't even looked at it yet, and who says it’s for you?" Cas chuckled.  Dean raised an eyebrow and walked over, pulling the sheet off.

"No... Cas... Holy...." he breathed, his hands immediately reaching out to caress the metal gently.

"It's a -" Cas started.

"1965 Ford Mustang," Dean finished, awestruck, all worry he previously had vanishing in an instant.  His eyes never left the car even as Cas kept talking.

"I figure I need a car now, and you love fixing cars up, so I bought it as a joint present.  I get a ride, and you get to work on another classic car."  Dean let out a little laugh.

"That's what you meant about 'a job'," he said, the pieces falling together.  "But not for you, for me, fixing up this car."

"I got it for $8500.  Apparently it needs some work-" Cas started, but Dean waved his hand dismissively.

"She's beautiful, Cas.  I'll have her mint in no time."  He eagerly popped the hood, and when he opened it up to look at the engine, he groaned.

“That bad?” Cas asked, nervously.  Dean shook his head, a small chuckle escaping him.

“The opposite.  This is… Cas, baby she’s _beautiful_.  It’s a 4.7 liter Windsor V8 4-barrel, 225 horsepower… she is one sexy beast,” he sighed, eyes tracing the lines of metal before closing the hood.  Dean's eager to get to work on her, he can already tell she'll need a new interior, and a paint job was obvious, but his stomach growled and he pat the roof of the car.  "I'll see you later, sweetheart," he sighed, turning back to Cas.  Cas was beaming, pride all over his face for his gift, and he looked so gorgeous Dean couldn’t help himself.  He walked up and, without hesitation, pushed him against the wall of the garage, kissing him hard and deep.  Cas let out a little surprised noise, but eagerly relaxed into Dean's lips.  When Dean made himself break away, Cas let out a small whine at the loss of contact.

"I'm glad you like it," Cas laughed, his voice a little rougher than usual, resting his forehead against Dean's for a moment before his eyes opened wide, like he's forgotten something.  "Dinner's on the table," he squeaked, blushing.  Dean stepped back, reluctantly releasing him from the wall and walking back into the kitchen.  His favorite cheeseburger from his favorite restaurant was sitting on the kitchen table, and Dean laughed.

"You are such a dweeb," he sighed, grabbing Cas by the pants and pulling him in for another brief kiss.

"I try," Cas said with a smile.  The romantic gift and dinner might have been Cas apologizing for the day before, but Dean would take it, because the pure love all over Cas’ face made it all worth it.

 

For the next week, the Mustang effectively made Dean forget about anything and everything outside of engine schematics and socket wrenches.  He hadn’t felt so absorbed in a project in a long time, like he was doing something he was meant to be doing with his life.  Dean knew once he got started on the Mustang he'd be unable to stop, so he set aside one hour only after work for the rest of that week, taking apart only one section of the car at a time, making an inventory of what could be serviced and what needed replaced.  He also had to do some research, the Impala was the only car he’d worked on for so long, he wasn't totally up to speed on what the Mustang needed.  

On Saturday, Dean rushed home, making a fast dinner of arroz con pollo, and heading out into the garage for his hour allotment.  He ended up finishing slightly before the hour was up, a complete list of parts needed for the Mustang in his hand and a triumphant grin on his face.  He packed up his tools, heading inside the house.

"Back from your appointment with your mistress?" Cas asked mildly from the living room.  Dean kicked off his shoes, his clothes were covered in engine muck from climbing nearly the whole way inside the engine, and he was too.

"She's ready, Cas.  Stripped and prepped, I just got to see about finding all her parts."  Cas looked up at him thoughtfully.

"I'll try not to think about how that sounded slightly inappropriate," he dead panned.  Dean pouted at him, struggling not to laugh.

"Aww don't be jealous, it's not a good look on you."

"I'm not jealous of a car, Dean," Cas sighed.

"Could have fooled me," Dean said, leaning in and drawing a line of engine dirt across Cas' cheek.  He flailed when he realized what Dean was doing, but it was too late.

"Come on, Dean! Really?!" he grunted, getting up from the couch in a huff to head up to the bathroom.  Dean laughed, following after him, stripping off his shirt and undoing his pants as he went.  He tossed his clothes in the hamper, walking into the bathroom to shower.  Cas glowered at him from the sink, where he was wiping vigorously at his face with a soapy washcloth.  

"It's just a little dirt," Dean said with a pout.  Cas just continued to squint at him, so he turned and climbed into the shower.  He walked under the water as it heated up, and there was a soft knock on the glass door.  Cas' head poked inside, looking slightly apologetic.

"I can't seem to get this all off at the sink," Cas mumbled, blushing at his horrible excuse.  Dean gestured at the shower.

"Might as well save some water," Dean winked.  Cas gave a reluctant smile, opening the door farther to climb in with Dean, already naked, his hand tucked sheepishly behind his back.  

"I, uh, I have a ridiculously awkward question, and no tactful way to ask it," Cas muttered, his eyes focused on Dean's chest.  Dean raised an eyebrow.

"I think we've moved past the awkward question phase," Dean chuckled, amused at Cas’ embarrassment.  

"Are you allergic to oil based lube?" Cas blurted.  Dean just stood there, trying not to burst out laughing in Cas’ face.

“I'm not, and I take it the reason you're asking is behind your back."  Cas brought his hand around in front of him, putting the small bottle on the shelf next to their shampoo, .

"Thought it might be better for the shower," he mumbled, barely audible.  Dean pulled Cas to him, raining soft kisses on his face, pulling a giggle out of Cas.

"You are abso-fucking-lutely adorable," he groaned, his forehead pressed to Cas'.  He watched the water running down his chest and abs, and grinned roguishly at him.  "And you put Thor to shame."  Cas grinned, grabbing the body wash off the shelf and washing the engine grease off of Dean, pushing him under the water to rinse.  Once the soap was gone he pressed his lips against Dean's neck, and Dean sighed, closing his eyes and giving into the feeling.  

"You know, you're sexy when you're all sweaty, covered in grease, bent over that car almost like you want me to watch..." Cas whispered darkly against Dean's ear.  Dean ran his hands through Cas' hair, groaning softly as Cas captured his earlobe with his teeth.  Cas continued to whisper soft praises against Dean's skin, knowing how quickly it melts him into a puddle.  Not for the first time, Dean feels his chest swell with the feeling of this being _right_.  The feeling that being with Cas would never, and should never, end.  His thoughts drifted to the future, to those two empty rooms, and his conversation with Nick suddenly hit him head on.

Yes.  

Dean wanted to be a father.

And he wanted that with Castiel.

And it scared him to death.

"How are you today?" Cas asked.  Dean's focus was drawn back to the moment, standing in the shower with his arms around Cas' neck.

"Better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow," Dean answered automatically, looking back down at Cas.  

"I lost you for a moment," Cas sighed, pressing a much less sensual kiss against his chest.  Dean's daydream had cooled the moment, and whatever they had been working towards was gone.

"Yeah, sorry," Dean sighed, kissing Cas' forehead.  He turned the water off, and climbed out of the shower, handing Cas a towel and grabbing his.  Once they were dry, Dean pulled on a pair of boxers, and Cas did the same, sensing the change in Dean's mood.

"Is everything alright?" He asked softly.  Dean nodded, pulling him into bed.

"It's good, Cas.  I just... I was thinking."  Cas raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"About?"

"Us, mostly."  Cas was still obviously confused, and Dean took a deep breath.  “I, uh, I really don’t know where to begin,” he sighed.

“What is it?” he asked, running his hand along Dean’s arm.  Dean racked his brain, trying to think of some way to ask him without coming off crazy or terrified but nothing would come.

"Do you want kids?" he blurted before he could stop himself.  Cas’ eyes opened wide, and he was silent for so long Dean began to wonder if he should have said anything.  "Cas?" Dean called, looking over his stunned face and starting to worry.

"I, uh, what brought that on?" Cas asked, hesitantly.

"Nick showed me a picture from Sarah's ultrasound last week, and I just... I started thinking about it."  Dean watched Cas' face nervously, until Cas broke out in a huge grin.

"Why do you think I bought a four bedroom house?" he murmured, blushing furiously.  Dean let out a relieved sigh, laughing a bit himself.

"I mean, it doesn't have to be any time soon, and we can sort out the details later, but I couldn't get the thought out of my head, you know?" Dean said in a rush.  Cas shushed him with a kiss.

"I know," he assured Dean.  "I want some time with you first, babe.  But yes, when we're ready, I would like to start a family with you."

“When we’re ready,” Dean agreed.  He crawled into Cas' arms, letting Cas hold him, relaxing into his familiar warmth as drowsiness started pulling him towards sleep.

"I love you, I don't think I can say that enough," Dean sighed.

“You could try,” Cas teased.

“I love you,” Dean cooed, pressing his lips against his chest in a soft kiss.  “I love you,” he said again, kissing his sternum, pulling a giggle from Cas.  “I love you,” he repeated, moving up to kiss along his collarbone.

“Alright, I accept defeat,” Cas groaned, leaning down to capture Dean’s lips for a brief kiss.

“But I wasn’t done,” Dean said through a yawn.  

"Go to sleep, my love," Cas soothed, pulling him against his chest.  Dean gave in to the pull of sleep, the thump of Cas’ heart under his ear more calming than a lullaby.  

Dean didn't have any nightmares that night, instead he dreamed of him and Cas, watching two kids playing on a swing set, one with green eyes and dark hair, the other with blue eyes and waves of blonde hair, laughing and playing without a care in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Fangirl squeak* ... nuff said ;D


	29. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys!! NaNoWriMo has started, so my updates for this are going to slow down as I work on another story. BUT this chapter was already written, so I'll post it for you guys. 
> 
> Stick with me, we have three, maybe four at the most chapters after this and it's all finished! I've got another fic lined up for when this one is all done, so don't worry, Dean and Cas will be back shortly after!!
> 
> Enjoy guys! Thanks for all your Kudos and Comments!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 29: Forever- LFO  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEOxZr_HA38  
> Now I've always said that love  
> Was nothing more but a waste of my time  
> I've always thought I'd be above these feelings  
> Always seem to miss in my mind  
> I said you'd never catch me in the corner of my room  
> gazing at a picture of you  
> And now that all don't mean nothin'  
> cause everytime I think about thinkin' girl  
> I'm thinkin' of you
> 
> [Chorus]  
> And forever, for the rest of my life  
> Through it all girl I'll be right by your side  
> I'll give my heart baby I'll give you my mind  
> I'll be the one that brings the joy to your life  
> And if you're willing girl just give me the chance  
> And I promise I will be a good man  
> And forever, for the rest of my life  
> I'll be right by your side
> 
> And now the love you give to me is sweeter than the sprinkles  
> on the top on mama's apple pie  
> I know you know I'm in love  
> When you're staring at the sparkle that appears in the corner of my eye  
> You don't have to worry 'bout it no, the things that I said before  
> because I'm so in love  
> And there ain't nothin' gonna stop it now  
> I'd bet it on the moon and the stars in the sky above
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> I never thought that it could happen to me  
> that I could fall in love  
> I can't believe it baby but I can see that you're  
> you are the only one I'm thinkin' of  
> It doesn't matter baby I don't really care no more  
> as long as we're together  
> Baby I'll be right there, I won't go nowhere  
> I want your love forever
> 
> [Chorus]

The month of August passed uneventfully.  Dean spent all his spare time on the computer shopping for parts or buried up to his elbows in the Mustang, and he loved every second of it.  Cas would sit in the garage with him sometimes, on a lawn chair in the corner with his feet propped up on a box, reading a book or on his laptop.  They’d talk while Dean worked, about the shop, about Cas’ adventures on the city bus, which he’d started taking farther downtown almost every day, looking for work or meeting up with Charlie.  Dean felt bad sometimes, like he was ignoring Cas, but every time he brought it up, Cas would easily brush away his worries with a smile and a kiss.  Dean also had a sneaking suspicion that Cas probably enjoyed seeing him bent over the car on a regular basis, but considering what it did for their sex life he wasn’t complaining.

 

As the first week of September rolled around, Dean started feeling Bobby's absence, for the first time in months.  The shop that had finally started feeling like his started looking too different compared to when Bobby was there.  When he pulled out last year’s paperwork to shred, seeing Bobby’s handwriting and signature started making it hard to throw the old paperwork away.  Nick, Rufus, and even Ash started getting quieter, leaving Dean alone in the office with his thoughts, and when the anniversary of the reading of the will rolled around, Dean felt the pain as if it had happened just yesterday, only this time he didn’t have alcohol to subdue it.

On that anniversary, Sam arranged a break in his work day, Dean scheduled a closing shift for himself at the shop, and the two of them made their way out to the cemetery to visit Bobby.  Neither Jess nor Cas were there, just the two brothers standing side by side in silence.  Dean stared down at the grave marker, trying to remember Bobby's strong hand on his shoulder, the gruff sound of his voice when he'd yell at Rufus from across the store, but those memories were getting harder to hold onto.  It was probably a good thing, Dean reasoned, his mind’s way of telling him he was moving on, but logic didn’t make it feel any better.

"He'd be proud of you," Sam said quietly, breaking the heavy silence.  Dean didn't say anything, he couldn't seem to think of any words that would express how much he would rather be hearing that from Bobby himself.  

It was going to be a rough day.

He and Sam went for lunch afterwards, to a chinese place just a few doors down from Sam's office.  Once they’d ordered and received their food, Sam found them a table while Dean grabbed napkins and chopsticks.

"How's the wedding planning?" Dean asked once he got seated, attempting to distract himself from his memories.  Sam grabbed his chopsticks and took a bite of chow mein.

"About how you'd expect.  Jess is happy as a clam, and I'm just a bit overwhelmed.  I had no idea the amount of crap you have to sort out to have a wedding, apparently."  Sam's soft smile overruled the annoyance in his voice.  "They say every girl dreams about her wedding, you know, and I just want her to be happy.  Though, if I have to go to another meeting with a florist..." Sam chuckled, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Aren't you just the cutest little thing," Dean teased.  Sam flushed a darker red and threw a napkin at his brother.

"Shut up," he sighed.  They ate in silence for a bit before Sam continued.  “I never thought much about the whole wedding part of getting married,” he continued, looking up at Dean.  “What about you?”

“What about me?” he asks through a mouthful of chicken.  Sam makes a face but continues.

“Have you ever thought about your wedding?”  Dean ponders the question as he chews.

“No, not really.  I’ve never liked being the center of attention, so I guess if anything I wouldn’t really want a big wedding.  But no, never really thought about it.”  He feels the blush on his cheeks.

“What about now, with Cas?” Sam asked, a teasing tone in his voice.  “You thinking about it?”  

“Dude, why is everyone suddenly so interested in me settling down?!” Dean groaned.  Sam shrugged.

“Maybe because you’re so grossly in love with him?”  Sam laughs as Dean chokes a little on his chicken, and Dean’s about to strike back, but Sam’s phone rings.  Dean gestures for him to answer and Sam pulls his phone up to his ear.  “Hey…. yeah, at lunch with my brother…. sure, as soon as I head back to the office…. We can do that today.”  He glanced up at Dean, who was grumpily finishing his noodles.  “Yeah, I think it will…. Okay, I’ll see you later.”  Sam hangs up.

“You got a busy afternoon scheduled?” Dean asks.  Sam tucks his phone back in his pocket.

“You could say that,” he said evasively, though Sam was never really able to talk about cases with Dean anyway, so it wasn’t new.  “What about you?” he asked.  Dean shrugged.

“I’m at a standstill with the car.  Can’t move forward until I get some parts I ordered, can’t make the parts get here any faster than they will.”  Dean waved his arms in a 'oh well' gesture, turning his attention back to his food.

“You’re really enjoying yourself, aren’t you?  I’ve never seen you get so excited about something.  Not since Dad gave you the Impala, anyway.”  Sam was watching his brother closely. tapping his chin with his chopsticks.

“Well, yeah, Sam.  I’ve always loved working on cars, you know that.  And this one, I mean, she’s an amazing car…” he paused, his brow furrowing.  “Why are you so interested in my hobby all of a sudden?”  Sam shrugged.  

“I don’t know, I uh…” Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “I guess this week’s just making me a little sentimental,” he finished quietly.  Dean finished his last bite of chicken, wiping his face and pushing back from the table.  His mood began to darken again, and he didn’t want Sam worrying about him and not his work the entire day, so he put on a brave face.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, standing and stretching.  

"If you need anything today-" Sam started, but Dean waved his hand to cut him off.

"I'm alright, Sammy.  This helped, really."  He gave his brother a pat on the shoulder, dropping some cash for a tip on the table and left, walking back to the Impala to head to the shop.  

The drive through town was short, and it didn’t give Dean much time to calm his nerves about work before reaching Singer’s Supplies.  He pulled up and parked, trying to keep himself calm, but when he started to walk to the door, he noticed there was a small memorial set up for Bobby.  People had dropped off some flowers and notes, and Dean stumbled over his own feet as he stopped.  The sudden wave of pain was so unexpected, it felt like someone punched Dean in the stomach, all the air rushing out of his lungs.  He stumbled backwards a few steps till he was resting on his car, forcing himself to take deep breaths.

He had expected the emotion at the cemetery, had prepared for it with Cas before he left the house that morning, so he’d been able to cope with it just fine.  With Sam there he'd been stabilized, his brother offering him comfort just  by being there.  He wasn't prepared for the generous and kind remembrances left out by friends and strangers in front of the store, just like what had been there a year ago, and his tenuous hold on himself started to crumble.  He fumbled for his phone, pulling up Cas’ number.  It rang a few times before he heard Cas’ voice over the phone, thankful for the instant relief it gave him.

“Hello, Dean,” he said.  

“Cas, I-” he gasped.

“Dean?  What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.  Dean took another deep breath.  

“I don’t… I miss him,” he said simply.  He watched the flowers someone had left sway in the breeze blowing by the shop door.

“I know,” Cas said softly.  “I’m on the bus, but we haven’t gone too far yet.  Want me to come down to the shop?” he asked.  Dean closed his eyes, letting Cas’ offer and his voice help relax him enough to get himself under control.  He could do this.

“I’ll be okay,” he said softly.  “I think I just might head home early, instead of working the whole shift.”

"You sure you don't want me there?" Dean felt a half smile pull at his lips at Cas’ concern.

"I'm good.  I thought you had something you were doing today, anyway."

“I’ve got that interview, but… just call me if you need me, I can always reschedule," Cas insisted.  He felt a surge of gratitude for Cas and his selflessness.

"No, Cas, you do your thing, alright?"  Dean pushed a steady breath out of his lungs.  “It just caught me off guard, I’ll be okay.”

"I love you,” he can hear the smile in Cas’ voice.  The shop door chimed and it made Dean jump slightly, his eyes popping open to see Rufus walking towards him.  Dean waved.

“I love you, I’ll see you later,” he said to Cas, hanging up his phone.

“I appreciate the sentiment,” Rufus said dryly, pulling a blush up Dean’s cheeks.  Rufus leaned on the car next to Dean, looking up at the building.  “Here we are, huh.  One year later.”  Dean nodded.

“Yeah,” was all he could say.  They stood in silence, but it was comfortable.  Rufus wasn’t a man of many words, but Dean knew that just by him being there he understood what Dean was feeling.  Rufus had known Bobby longer than anyone, and the two of them shared their grief together in the parking lot for a while.

“You know, we aren’t that busy today,” Rufus spoke up, breaking the silence.  “Probably won’t be later, either.  Maybe we should just close up for the afternoon.”  Rufus looked over at Dean with a knowing look, and Dean sighed.

“You know, I think you’re right.”  He pat Rufus on the shoulder.

“Of course I’m right,” Rufus huffed.  He stood, walking back towards the shop door.  “I’m gonna head in and close her up, you head on home, you big waste of space.”  Dean smiled tiredly, but it was still a smile.

“Thanks, Rufus,” he said, climbing back in the Impala and turning for home.  When he pulled into the driveway, he used his garage door opener, the familiar outline of the Mustang coming into view as it opened.  He pulled Baby up halfway into the other side of the garage, unable to pull her all the way in due to parts sitting all over the floor, and popped her hood.  

"Okay, Baby, let's see if my neglect did you any harm," he sighed, grabbing his tools and bending over the engine.

It was still warm for September, and pretty soon he was drenched in sweat and covered in dirt.  He grabbed a bottle of water out of the small mini fridge he had bought for the garage, and chugged half the bottle before dumping some in his hair, shaking out the excess.  Some water still ran down his neck, soaking into his already sweat stained shirt, making it cling to him uncomfortably.  After a short while he gave in and peeled off his damp shirt, down to his bare skin, and he went back to the Impala's engine, taking comfort in the familiar work of tuning her up.  He was able to turn off his thoughts and let his hands work, muscle memory and practice taking over, keeping his mind from wandering into dark places.

He had just finished backing the now perfectly tuned Impala out of the garage, sitting on a towel in the front seat, taking a break, when Cas walked up from the bus stop down the street.  He had a bundle of papers in his arms, and was unashamedly staring at Dean, sprawled out in the car with one leg hanging out of the door.

"Holy mother of..." he sighed, chewing on his bottom lip, his eyes roaming over Dean's dirt covered bare chest.

"Dude, really, I can see and hear you," Dean sighed, secretly enjoying the feeling he got when Cas looked at him like that.  Cas cleared his throat, flushing, but his eyes continued to roam over Dean's body.  Dean raised an eyebrow at him, a stern look on his face, making Cas flush a deeper crimson.

"Sorry, you're just.... Come on, Dean, that's not fair," Cas sighed, pouting at him.  Dean felt the smirk on his face.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he sighed casually.  He crawled out of the car, locking the door and turning back to Cas.  "How was the interview?" he asked, pointing at the papers in Cas' hands.  Cas blinked heavily a few times and seemed to snap out of his daze.

"It, uh, went better than I thought, actually.  I think this might be it, Dean."  His face broke out into a beaming smile, and Dean couldn't help but smile back, in spite of his heavy heart.

"So what is it, exactly?" Dean asked.  Cas hadn't told him much about the jobs he was applying for, and after weeks of non answers Dean had stopped asking.  Cas was happy and that's all that mattered to Dean.

"Office manager.  Very similar to what I was doing before, managing finances and schedules and things like that."  Cas walked up and gave Dean a soft kiss.  "How are you today?" he asked quietly.  Immediately Dean's heart sank slightly, all the emotions he was feeling that morning returning.  He opened his mouth to give his response and the words caught in his throat, for the first time since they'd started using them.  A strange clammy feeling wormed its way down his arms.

“I’m, uh, not great Cas,” was all he managed, feeling the burn in his lungs as his facade he’d kept up all day crumbled in Cas’ presence.  Cas wrapped an arm around him gently, ignoring the sweat and dirt, and led him back in the house, shutting the garage door behind them.  He dropped his papers and phone on the kitchen counter and led Dean upstairs, walking him straight into the bathroom.  Dean was on the verge of tears, and though his stomach was fluttering unpleasantly, at least with Cas there he didn't feel an attack coming on.

"Get undressed," Cas said quietly.  Dean did as he was told, peeling out of his sweaty jeans and boxer briefs as Cas filled their jacuzzi tub with hot water, gently lowering Dean in once it was full and turning on the jets.  He stripped down himself, climbing in the water and pulling Dean over so he was sitting in front of him.  Cas grabbed the body wash and slowly started washing away the grime from Dean's skin, turning the washing into a gentle massage once he was clean.  Dean relaxed into Cas’ touch, letting his emotion move through him.  And that’s how they sat for at least twenty minutes, Cas’ hands working his muscles and Dean’s brain working through what he was feeling.

"I didn't think it would hurt this much," Dean said eventually, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.  “It was a year ago, but… it still hurts so much.”  Cas placed a gentle kiss against the back of his neck.

"You didn't properly mourn for him last time," he said quietly.  "You weren't in a good place, baby.  You need to let it out, okay?  Let it all out, I'm right here," Cas' voice was soft, almost so soft he couldn't hear it over the tub, but it had the effect it needed to.  Dean closed his eyes as the burn of tears became too much, and he felt them falling down his cheeks.

"I miss him," Dean choked out, leaning deeper into Cas' arms, which had slid around him protectively.  "With everything I've been going through, the drinking and you and... I started to forget he was gone.  And it just hit me, just..."  Cas held Dean tightly as he cried, old emotions he'd pushed away or drowned in alcohol resurfacing.  

"I'm here, baby.  Let it out, I'm here.  I've got you," Cas repeated in his ear.  Cas held him through his sobs, through his shaking, repeating those words over and over and, after some time, Dean finally ran out of tears.  His head fell back against Cas' shoulder, his entire body numb and exhausted.  He felt safe, though, comforted and warm, and in his vulnerability that meant more to  him than anything.

"You're a fucking miracle," Dean mumbled, turning sideways to wrap his arms around Cas.

"Dean, I'm not-" Cas started to object.

"Yes, you are.  You saved my life, Cas.  You saved me from myself, and you loved me, you loved me when I didn't give two shits about myself."  Cas looked down at him, his brow furrowed slightly.

"Dean, where is this coming from?"  Dean shook his head, unable to give Cas an answer because he didn’t know himself.  He wasn't even sure what he was saying, but he was too full of emotion to keep it in, and he couldn't stop the words if he wanted to.  He needed to make Cas understand just how much he meant to Dean.

"I didn't think I'd ever find anyone who would care about me as much as you do.  And I never thought I'd ever want this life as much as I want it with you.  The house, the kids, this perfect balance of you and me.  I never thought I'd want to spend the rest of my life with someone.  Cas, I want that with you, I want us and I want forever and I-"  Cas' small gasp finally brought his brain around to the words that were tumbling from him, and he realized belatedly what it sounded like he was saying.  Cas was staring at him wide eyed, completely still, and Dean stopped breathing, the jets in the tub now sounding obscenely loud.

It sounded like he was proposing.

 _Was_ he proposing?

 _Oh, God_ , he realized, _I am_.

"Dean, I..."

"Marry me, Cas," he breathed, resting his forehead against Cas'.  "No pomp, no big wedding.  Me, you, Sam, Charlie, and the courthouse."  He wrapped a hand around Cas' neck, desperately clinging to him.  "I know it hasn't even been a year, but babe, I _know_ this is forever."  Cas still hasn't moved, his breath coming in shallow gasps, and Dean's suddenly terrified Cas might say no.  He's a mess, and this is not the best day for him, he knows it, but he meant every word he said.  Yeah, it wasn't the most romantic timing, and yeah, Dean was as emotional as a pregnant woman, but he wanted this, and he realized he had for a long time.

"Dean," Cas' voice was hoarse, and he cleared his throat before continuing.  "You're going to break my neck," he smiled softly.  Dean released him from his death grip, and Cas leaned in, kissing him hard.  "Of course I'll marry you."  A huge wave of happiness floods him, and if he hadn’t dried himself out just minutes before, Dean would have been crying again.

"Had me worried for a moment," he gasped into Cas' neck.  Cas laughed softly, running a hand through Dean's hair.

"We were always going to be forever, Dean, regardless of whether we were married or not," Cas said warmly, “always, baby.”  He turned off the jets in the tub and let the water out, prying himself out of Dean's embrace to grab towels, drying them both off gently.  He hands Dean some pajamas, and leaves, going downstairs for a few minutes before returning with some leftover pasta, managing to get Dean to eat a small portion.  As he took their dishes downstairs, Dean tiredly crawled under the covers, completely worn out.  Cas returned and crawled in next to him, pulling Dean in against him as he wrapped himself around him, his lips pressed gently against Dean's neck.

"Cas," Dean started to say, but he fell asleep before he could finish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone else see that coming?? I wrote the thing and it totally crept up on me out of nowhere!! It was one of those things that I wasn't planning on having in this chapter, but the story took me there, and I typed out the proposal before I even realized what I was typing.
> 
> Stick with me guys, I'll try and get the next chapter up within a week or so!


	30. Mona Lisa (When the World Comes Down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're rounding the last corner on this!! I have bittersweet feelings about wrapping this story up. I'll be sad to see it end, but it opens the door for a new fanfic for you all! Enjoy these last few chapters, you guys are amazing for sticking with these boys so long <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 30: Mona Lisa (When The World Comes Down)- All American Rejects  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C88pmXssR_k
> 
> Here's another pity and there's another chance  
> Try to learn a lesson but you can't.  
> If we can burn a city in futures and in past,  
> Without a change our lives will never last.  
> Cause we're going fast.
> 
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down,  
> If it doesn't matter then just turn around.  
> We don't need our bags and we can just leave town.  
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down.
> 
> What can we do better? When will we know how?  
> A man says from a sidewalk to a crowd.  
> If we can change the weather, if you wanted to yourself.  
> And if you can't I guess we all need help, yeah,  
> I need help.
> 
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down,  
> If it doesn't matter then just turn around.  
> We don't need our bags and we can just leave town.  
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down.
> 
> We say, and we do.  
> All the lies, the truth  
> And all I need is next to me.
> 
> Yeah, we're going fast.
> 
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down,  
> If it doesn't matter then just turn around.  
> Will you be the queen? And I'll be your clown  
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down.  
> You can sit beside me when the world comes  
> You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

Dean woke up with a massive headache, sitting up with a groan and rubbing at his temples.  His brain was fuzzy and there were drums pounding behind his eyes, any other thoughts driven from his mind at that point.

"You okay?" Cas asked from the bed next to him.  Dean nodded, wincing as the small movement increased the ache slightly.

"Yeah, nothing a little Tylenol won't fix," he sighed.  He stood, making his way to the bathroom and grabbing the small bottle out of the medicine cabinet.  He tossed a couple back, cupping his hands and using some water from the sink to wash them down.  It had been a good while since he’d had a headache this bad, and he felt like a baby.  He’d nursed hangovers exponentially worse than this without a problem, but now he was a whiny mess over a simple headache.  He washed his face and brushed his teeth before heading out to the bedroom and grabbing some pajamas.  He didn’t want to just sit around and wait for his head to feel better, so he figured he’d make something to eat, see if that might help.

"I'm going to get breakfast started," he sighed, kissing Cas on top of the head and making his way downstairs.  As the tylenol started working, he grabbed everything he needed to make pancakes, pulling the griddle out of the cabinet and the ingredients out of the fridge and pantry, mixing them from memory and practice.  

He's finished with the batter and about to turn on the griddle when last night catches up to him.

He proposed to Cas.  

He proposed and Cas said yes.  

 _Holy shit_.

He was a mess last night, mourning for Bobby had made his emotions run crazy, and in hindsight, all the crying was probably what caused his headache.  He grimaced, face growing hot with embarrassment as he remembered his emotional ramblings, so put off by the day he’d had his filter had completely disintegrated.  He had thought about proposing, sure, daydreamed about it happening.  Where he might take Cas, how me might surprise him, he’d even stopped by a jewelers once or twice to look at rings.  However, in those daydreams, it always happens much later, like a few years later, and the way it happened last night... did Cas even think he was serious?  He hadn't said anything to him this morning, just gotten up and made his way downstairs like nothing had happened.  His headache that had mostly gotten better started to come back.

He hears a buzzing, and looks around to see Cas' phone, sitting where he left it on the counter yesterday with his papers.  It continues to buzz, and Dean realizes he's getting a phone call.  He doesn’t want Cas to miss anything important, so he dusts flour off his hands and walks over to it, picking it up and opening his mouth to shout for Cas.  The name that popped up on the screen stopped him cold.

_Gabriel._

Why was Cas' brother calling him?  Dean debated answering, but didn't know exactly what he would say, if he could even say anything.  So he stood there, staring at the phone until it went to voicemail.  All the calls and messages Cas had been getting the past week suddenly seemed a lot more ominous.  How many had been from his brother?  What could Gabriel possibly have to talk to Cas about?  Wasn't he supposed to be done with his family for good?  Dean’s emotional stability, filled with cracks and wobbly from yesterday, crumbles underneath him.

"Dean?  What's wrong?  You look like you've seen a ghost." Cas' voice came from the stairway, and he jumped so hard he almost dropped Cas' phone.  Cas had dressed, but he was wearing a t-shirt instead of his usual button up, and Dean had to avert his eyes from his arms.

"You, uh, had a call," he muttered, handing him his phone.  Cas reached out and took it, not even looking at the screen.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently.  Dean hardly knew where to begin.

"Why is Gabriel calling you, Cas?" he asked, his voice shaking.  He tried not to sound accusatory, but it came out that way anyway, and he winced.  Cas' brow furrowed briefly before he glanced at his phone, his eyes widening.

"Dean-"

“Why Cas?” he asked again.  Cas took a slow breath, keeping his voice gentle.

“It’s alright, just let me-”

"How is it alright?" Dean gasped, backing away from him.  He hit the island counter and leaned on it heavily, trying to keep calm but failing spectacularly.  "We were done with them, Cas.  Done, for good."

"Gabe's been helping me-" Cas tried again, still keeping his voice soft and calm.  It wasn’t helping as much as it should, Dean was too far gone.

"With what?  Finding you a job?  Because you said yourself you weren't taking handouts from them anymore!"  The raising volume of his voice wasn’t helping his preexisting headache, and he rubbed a hand over his temple.

"Just calm down, okay?  Let me explain-" Cas tried again, his hands raised in a placating gesture.  His eyes are finally showing some hurt in response to Dean’s comments, but he’s still calm, stark contrast to the way Dean is shouting at him.  Dean doesn't want calm.  He doesn't want to even touch Cas because visions of blood soaked scars are flashing in front of his eyes again, after weeks without even thinking about them.  Dean shook his head, pushing past him and out of the kitchen, taking the stairs three at a time and bursting into one of the spare bedrooms, shutting the door behind him and curling up on the floor in front of it.  He can hear Cas' voice calling to him but he squeezes his hands over his ears.

 _They were gone.  I was better and they were gone_ … Dean's shaking, curling up into himself, his elbows pressed tightly against his legs, squeezing his eyes shut like it will help the images from his nightmare from flashing through his mind. _You should have known_ ,  a dark voice says in the back of his head, _you should have known that you'd never be free from them_.  

He's glad he never finished making breakfast, because his stomach is twisting in on itself, and he’s barely managing to keep down whatever's in his stomach from the night before.  Another wave of anxiety hits him when he realizes he _still_ hasn't talked to Cas about his proposal.  That, more than Gabriel’s phone call, is what’s crushing his ribcage, making his breaths come in short gasps.  He hears a soft knock on the door behind him.

"Dean?  Baby, please, let me come in," Cas says through the door.  "Let me help you."  He doesn't trust his voice to respond so he doesn't say anything.  

To Dean’s utter amazement, something strange happens when Cas asks to help him, something that’s never happened before.  

Even without being physically next to him, without touch or sight, Cas’ voice starts to break through the panic running through him, as it has so many times before while Dean was curled up in his arms.  Cas has worked Dean through enough attacks over the past few months that his body has started to naturally respond to Cas’ voice, like it knows because Cas is there, everything will be alright.  And since his body knows what he needs, Dean scoots away from the door so Cas can open it.

"Come in," he says shakily, not sure if Cas even heard him.  Slowly, the door swung inwards, and Cas leans in, catching sight of Dean on the floor and dropping down to sit next to him.

“May I?” Cas says softly, opening his arms to wrap Dean up in a hug, but not completing the gesture.  Dean’s heart aches for Cas and he nods, collapsing into Cas’ arms as he pulls Dean into his lap.  His body goes limp, though his heart is still racing from the nightmares replaying in his head.  Cas holds him close, running a soothing hand over his spine in practiced circles, just as he had dozens of times before.

“I’m sorry I- I can’t- I…” Dean chokes out but Cas shushes him.

“You don’t have to say anything, Dean.  You have nothing to be sorry for, or ashamed of,” Cas says, squeezing him tight.  “I want to start by letting you know that Gabriel approached me first,” Cas began.  “I don’t think Michael realizes we’re even speaking.  And no, I didn’t trust him right away,” he points out so Dean doesn’t have to ask.  “It took him almost two months of calls before I finally realized he meant well, and he just wanted to know I was alright.”  He placed a soft kiss against Dean’s hair.  “I should have told you from the get go, but you were doing so well, and I was afraid… well I was afraid that this would happen.  Maybe if I had just told you it wouldn’t have been this bad, and that’s my fault.  So I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Your therapist…” Dean realized maybe that’s why Cas had gone back to her, Gabriel’s conversations with him.  

“I’m good, Dean.  I willingly went back to see her to get some stuff off my chest, not because of anything Gabe did.  In fact, I think Gabe’s been doing better because of me, too.  He said he’s going to try and see his daughter in a few months.”  Cas fell silent, his deep calm breaths and the movement of his hands soothing Dean’s remaining tenseness.

“I hate this,” Dean sighed as his voice came back to him.  “I hate that I freak out if you even mention your brothers.  I just- I want to be better,” he finished lamely, shame bringing heat to his cheeks.  Cas squeezed him.

“It takes time.  In a year, maybe a few years, you will be better, because we’re going to work at this.  It won’t happen overnight, and even then, there’ll be times when it will hit you all over again.”  Dean looks up at him, running a hand over Cas’ crucifix, a harsh reminder of something he’d gone through, a reminder he’d purposefully received over five years ago.  Cas’ eyes follow Dean’s fingers, watching their journey across his scarred skin before looking up and meeting Dean’s eyes.

“Do you still think about it?” he asked, barely a whisper.

“All the time,” he said honestly.  “Things like that never really go away.  I wake up some days and I want a hit, and it’s just as strong and painful as it was years ago.”  Cas’ lips quirk up into a small smile.  “And then I see you, smiling, laughing, sleeping next to me, and suddenly it’s not so hard anymore.”  Dean runs his hand up to cup Cas’ cheek, sighing when Cas drops his lips to press softly against Dean’s inner wrist.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he breathes but Cas leans in, quieting him with a chaste kiss and resting his forehead against Dean’s.  

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for,” he says firmly.  Dean’s body fully relaxes, and they sit there together quietly, Dean coming down off his anxiety and Cas holding him tightly.  When Dean’s breathing normally again, Cas kisses his nose, smiling down at him warmly.

“I have more to tell you.  And I know it’s a lot, but I want to come completely clean.  I think you’ve had enough of a surprise for a while,” Cas says cryptically.  “You think you’re okay enough to cook us some breakfast while I tell you what’s been going on?”  Dean thought back to the pancake batter he’d mixed just a half an hour ago.

“Yeah, I think I can do that,” he said with a sigh.  Cas stood, helping Dean to his feet, and they walked downstairs to the kitchen.  Cas pulled Dean’s batter out of the fridge, setting it on the counter next to him as Dean got the griddle turned on.  Cas set out plates and silverware on the kitchen table, pouring them each some juice and grabbing his stack of papers as Dean cooked the pancakes.  When the last of the batter was gone, and there was a decent sized stack on each plate, he turned off the heat and set the mixing bowl in the sink, grabbing their plates and sitting next to Cas at the table.

“I want to begin by telling you not to be mad at your brother, I begged him to keep this a surprise for you.  But he’s been helping me,” Cas said after taking a bite of breakfast.  Dean nodded, and Cas continued.  “A week after… the last time I saw him, I got a call from Gabriel, and I told him to shove it.  A week after that, he tried again.  I’m not sure why, but you were doing better, and we’d moved, and I was in a good place, so I let him talk.”  Cas paused to eat some more.  “He started calling pretty regularly after that, telling me how proud he was, how relieved he was that I was out of our family’s mess.  And he meant it, Dean, he really did.”  Dean paused between bites of pancake, meeting Cas’ eyes, and saw the happiness there, the relief that at least one of his brothers was a part of his life.  

“You said he was helping you with something?” Dean asked, turning back to his food.  Cas’ eyes sparkled at the reminder.

“You know how Singer’s Supplies has that large empty field behind it?” Cas asked.  Dean shrugged.

“Yeah, it’s all overgrown, no one’s really used it.”

“It belongs to you, actually.”  Cas pulls out one of the papers.  “See?  This is the property Bobby bought for the store.  That lot is actually part of your lot.”  Dean looked over the surveyor’s document for his business property and saw Cas was telling the truth.

“Look at that,” Dean sighed.  “So… what do I do with it?” he asked.  Cas was starting to get excited, and he pulled a couple more papers out of his stack.  

“I was brainstorming gifts for you with your brother one day, and he told me how much you changed when your dad gave you the Impala, so I thought, since I needed a car, I’d get a classic car for you to work on.  Sam mentioned that he always thought you’d work on cars for a living, and I… well, Gabe pointed out the empty lot.  He’d noticed it in Raphael’s paperwork when he was trying to get me ready for their visit.  And I started thinking- of course, this is totally up to you, but I think you’d be amazing.  Not to mention it would give me a job…”

“What, Cas?” Dean interrupted.  Cas took a deep breath, slowing himself down.

“Gabe’s been helping answer business related questions, and Sam’s sorted out all the legal details and paperwork we’d need to file.  I’ve been working with them on this for weeks, and I just... “  He flushed, handing Dean a concept sketch of a building.  The front half was obviously his shop, but connected to it, and taking up that empty lot, was a second building, a small garage with a sign above it that read ‘Dean’s Restorations and Repairs’.  

“Cas, a new business?  Is that what you’re getting at?” he asked.

“I’d provide the upfront costs, as an investor.  Once the shop is built and combined under the same umbrella as Singer’s, I could manage it for you, leave you time to work on the cars.”  Cas is talking with his hands, obviously very excited about the idea, and if Dean wasn't so shocked he would have laughed.  Cas must see the overwhelmed look on Dean’s face so he takes a few deeps breaths so slow himself down.  “You have an amazing skill, Dean, and you could use both Baby and the Mustang in advertisements.  Charlie could make up a great website… We can do this.  You can do this.”  Dean just stared at the drawing, trying to wrap his head around what Cas was suggesting.

“This is… Cas this is a big step.  You really- I mean, you think it’d be worth it?” he asked quietly.  Cas pulled another piece of paper out of his stack.

“I had Sam drive me around town, and I made a count of every car made before 1980 that I saw in a twenty mile radius.  With the right advertising, there’s plenty of business for you out there,” he said softly.  “You’re just so happy, Dean, when you work on your cars.  I want to see you happy.”  Dean looked up at Cas, this unbelieveable man who’d done more for him than Dean could possibly do for him in twelve lifetimes.

“Yeah, let’s give this a shot,” he says softly.  Cas grins, patting the stack of papers.  

“Like I said, Sam and I have done most of the legwork already, applying for permits, filing for business licenses, mostly all that’s left is a handful of signatures and a trip to the bank.”  He pushed them across the table.  “But that can wait.  Sam wants to sit down with you and go over everything properly.”  Dean nodded, and they finished their breakfast in silence as Dean processed Cas’ business proposal.  

Once they finished and the dishes were washed, Dean walked out into the living room, dropping down on the couch, Cas sitting beside him.

“How are you today?” Cas asked softly.  Dean reached over and took his hand, stroking his knuckles fondly.

“Better than yesterday, by a long shot.  And definitely not as good as tomorrow.”  Cas grinned, laying down across the couch with his head in Dean’s lap.

“You don’t have to worry about the garage right away, nothing has been filed yet, so the process doesn’t start until you give the word.”  Dean runs his fingers through Cas’ hair.

“Thank you, so much,” he sighs.  “Though, you know, I don’t need any of this to be happy.”  He brushes Cas’ hair back from his forehead again, smiling at him.  “We could run off tonight, just you and me and the Impala, nothing but the clothes on our backs, and I’d be the happiest man alive.”  Cas’ smile faded slightly.  

“Dean-”

“I mean it Cas.  You’ve made me happy, you.  Not your gifts, not this house, you.”  He pauses, taking a deep breath.  “Which is why I meant what I said last night.” Cas sits up, turning to face Dean, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"I hoped you were," he sighed, "I just didn't know, I mean, you were upset and I didn't want to- if you weren't ready-"

"Cas," Dean sighs, smiling softly, "when we've sorted this garage out, we're getting married.  End of discussion."  Cas grins, and a few tears run down his cheeks.

"Yes, sir."  He leans in and kisses Dean, saying through his lips what he couldn't say in words.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~^_^~


	31. Insatiable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are guys, the last full chapter for this fic. It's a bizarre phenomenon for me to have gotten so attached to these characters, but watching these two fall in love over and over just makes me happy, and to have put my hand to the task of making it happen just feels so satisfying. This has been a long and emotional journey, (I mean 31 chapters!! Holy crap!!) and I want to thank you all for traveling with me on this journey. The next chapter is more of a coda than a full chapter, so I felt like I needed to put this here.
> 
> Come December I'll be posting a new work, I hope to see you all then!!
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KUDOS COMMENTS READS YOU ARE AMAZING!!
> 
> <3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 31: Insatiable- Darren Hayes  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1qAqgVInBQ  
> When moonlight crawls along the street  
> Chasing away the summer heat  
> Footsteps outside somewhere below, the world revolves I let it go  
> We build our church above this street  
> We practice love between these sheets  
> The candy sweetness scent of you, it bathes my skin I'm stained by you  
> And all I have to do is hold you  
> There's a racing in my heart  
> I am barely touching you
> 
> [Chorus]  
> Turn the lights down low, take it off  
> Let me show my love for you insatiable  
> Turn me on, never stop, wanna taste every drop  
> My love for you insatiable
> 
> The moonlight plays upon your skin  
> A kiss that lingers takes me in  
> I fall asleep inside of you, there are no words there's only truth  
> Breathe in, breathe out, there is no sound  
> We move together up and down  
> We levitate our bodies soar, our feet don't even touch the floor  
> And nobody knows you like I do  
> The world doesn't understand, but I grow stronger in your hands
> 
> [Chorus] [2x]
> 
> We never sleep we're always holdin' hands  
> Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans  
> I feel like a better man just being in the same room  
> We never sleep there's just so much to do, too much to say  
> Can't close my eyes when I'm with you   
> Insatiable the way I'm loving you 
> 
> [Chorus] [2x]

_Bzzt, bzzt_.

Dean groaned into his pillow, blindly reaching for his phone. He cracked an eye open to shut off the alarm, the time reading 5:30am.  He briefly wondered at his sanity for setting an alarm that early, then he looked at the date.  Both eyes opened and he smiled, rolling over to peer at the man sleeping next to him.  

Today was the day they filed the official business license for his garage.  They had spent nearly five weeks sorting out builders and permits and so much red tape that it set Dean’s head spinning.  They’d also managed, with Charlie’s help, to put together some pre-opening advertising, and Dean already had a handful of customers ready to drop their cars off when they finally opened.  All that needed to be done for the garage was a signature at the courthouse.

Today also happened to be September 18th, Cas’ birthday.  Dean had dug out his mom’s old recipe for crepes, since he hadn't made them in year, and he wanted to make something special for Cas.  Any gift Dean could buy would pale in comparison to all Cas had done for him, so he would settle for at least making him the best breakfast he’d ever had.

Dean felt a wave of blissful happiness spread through him when he remembered the final, but most important thing about today.

Today, they were getting married.

Dean climbed out of bed slowly, pulling on sweatpants and a tee shirt, making sure he didn't wake Cas.  He made his way downstairs, padding into the kitchen on his bare feet, getting set up to cook as quietly as possible.  He brewed himself some coffee, taking a mental deep breath before he started breakfast.

He was going all out for Cas this morning, crepes with roasted red potatoes and bacon.  He started the potatoes, mixing up the crepe batter as they cooked.  He bought enough ingredients to make a few extra, and he was glad he did because it took him a couple tries to get it just right.  By the time he starts the bacon, Cas sleepily stumbles into the kitchen, looking adorably rumpled.

“Dean?”

“Happy birthday!” Dean called, finishing up the last crepe with a flourish before turning to pull the potatoes out of the oven.  Cas rubbed at his eyes sleepily.

“I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s 7:15 in the morning, why are you up?” he mumbled.  Dean walked over, giving him a quick kiss.

“You could have stayed in bed, babe, I would have brought this to you.”  The smell of food is waking Cas up, and he looks around at what Dean’s cooked, his eyes widening and a small smile at the corner of his lips.

“What- you made all this?” he asked, sliding into a chair at the kitchen table.  Dean rushed back over to the stove to pull the bacon off the heat, pulling their plates towards him so he could start serving breakfast.

“It's your birthday, it's my turn to spoil you,” he said, carrying Cas’ plate over to him at the table.  

“Thank you,” Cas hummed.  Dean grinned, and he stooped down, kissing Cas hard before turning to retrieve his own breakfast.  He poured them some orange juice and handed Cas his cup, holding his own out in a toast.

“Here’s to the most amazing man I've ever met.  Happy birthday, babe,” Dean announced with a wink.  Cas tapped his glass against Dean’s laughing and beaming at Dean as he sat down.

“That's not all today is,” he said softly.  Dean felt a pleasant flutter in his chest, reaching across the table to squeeze Cas’ hand briefly.

“You think Sam and Charlie suspect?” he asked, watching as Cas picked up his silverware to cut into his crepe.  Dean knew it was silly but he couldn't pull his eyes away as he watched him lift the bite to his mouth.  Whatever Cas was going to say was forgotten as he groaned around the bite of food, his eyes fluttering shut as he chewed.  Dean smirked, taking a bite of his own crepe, proud of how they’d turned out, and proud of the reaction he'd gotten out of his fiancé.

“You need to stop being so amazing,” Cas sighed, “I mean everything you make turns out freaking awesome…”

“Gotta keep up with you, don't I,” Dean replied with a wink, “I mean, you’ve been nothing but good to me since we met.”  Cas chuckled, taking another bite and moaning again.

“And no, I don't think they think anything of it,” he said to answer Dean’s question, talking around his mouthful of food.  Dean laughed, shaking his head.

“Even when you're talking with your mouth full you’re adorable,” he teased.  Cas chewed and swallowed, raising an eyebrow and pointing at Dean’s forehead.

“Well, you've got flour in your hair, so I'm one up on you there,” Cas muttered with a smile.  Dean laughed, and they ate the rest of their breakfast with easy conversation.  They washed the dishes together, getting more flour and dish water on themselves than they did on the pans, stealing kisses from each other.  After Dean started the dishwasher, Cas grabbed hold of him, kissing him fiercely.  Dean longed to give in to the warmth pressed against him, it wouldn't be the first time they’d had sex in the kitchen, but they had things to do, and responsibility won out.

“Mmph, Cas,” Dean grunted, “as much as I-” he broke off as Cas took his lower lip into his teeth, “-would love to keep going-” he gasped, grabbing hold of Cas’ hips and pushing him away reluctantly, “we have an appointment to get to.”  Cas groaned, pulling his best puppy dog eyes.

“But Dean,” he whined, full on pouting at him, “it's my birthday.”  Dean laughed.

“No buts.”  He gave Cas a silly grin.  “Well, not yet anyway,” he said casually, walking towards the stairs.  Cas smacked him on the ass, following Dean upstairs so they could shower and get ready.

 

At ten thirty, Dean was pacing in the lobby of the courthouse, waiting on his brother and Charlie to arrive.  

“Dean, babe, you're making me dizzy,” Cas sighed.  They were both dressed in casual suits, nothing too fancy, but just fancy enough that Dean knew when they put on the bow ties hiding in their pockets, it would feel just as special as any tuxedo.  They had thought long and hard about this day, but Dean knew he would be no good at a big ceremony, too many eyes on him meant too many nerves.  Dean also acknowledged that, with the added stress of opening the garage, he was in no fit state to handle both that and a wedding.  Cas had wholeheartedly agreed, so they settled on the courthouse, inviting Sam and Charlie as witnesses.  To get Sam and Charlie there, without telling them exactly why, Dean had simply said he wanted them there when he signed the license for the new garage, and that they'd celebrate with lunch after.

Even without a big ceremony, self written vows, or any of the normal pomp and circumstance, Dean was still filled with anxious excitement.  Not because of the step he was taking, the monumental decision to dedicate the rest of his life to the man currently suppressing a smile at Dean’s nervous behavior.  He loved Cas with everything he had, and he would never stop.  No, he was nervous because that same man wanted to be with _him_ , had given so much to him, and loved him.  He had never felt loved like that before, never had anyone care about him, and sometimes he still had trouble believing it was real.

“Sorry,” Dean sighed, giving Cas a gummy smile as he walked up to him.  “Lots of excess energy.”

“You sure about this?  We can always reschedule,” Cas said softly, reaching out to take Dean's hand.  Dean squeezed it tightly.

“Absolutely sure,” he said quietly.  He leaned down, raising an eyebrow suggestively as his lips brushed Cas’ ear.  “I'm looking forward to the whole ‘wedding night’ part of this,” he hummed softly.  Cas gave him a gentle shove.

“You hornball,” he groaned, shaking his head.

“Says the person that came at me in the kitchen this morning,” Dean retorted.  Cas opened his mouth to respond, but his gaze shifted to look past Dean.  Cas stood and waved over Dean’s shoulder and Dean turned to see Charlie walking up, her laptop bag hanging from her shoulder.  Immediately Dean sobered up, all playful banter gone as he realized just how real this wedding was about to become.

“Hey dudes, how are you this morning?” she asked, giving them each a hug.  “Happy birthday, mister,” she said, hugging Cas extra tightly and pulling a card out of her bag for him.  It was a silly card, poking fun at how old Cas was, with a gift card for both Office Max and Best Buy inside.

“Thank you, Charlie,” Cas grinned.  She playfully punched his arm, a huge smile on her face.  

“No problem.  Ready to become a small business owner with the rest of us?” she asked Cas.  He shrugged.

“Feels like I'm joining a special club or something,” Cas said, running his hand over the back of his neck.  “Like I need a secret handshake or something.”

“Maybe you guys should make matching tee shirts,” Sam said, walking up behind Dean and clapping him on the shoulder.  Dean felt another wave of nerves now that Sam was there, but as Charlie gave Sam a hug, Cas placed a hand on the small of Dean’s back lightly.  When Cas stepped away to shake Sam’s hand Dean felt a bit better.  “I'm not late am I?” Sam asked, “Garth had a meeting scheduled this morning and he runs a bit long.”  Dean checked his watch, sharing a small smile with Cas.

“Nope, the appointment is at 10:45, you've made it with time to spare.”  He was impressed with how even his voice was, in stark contrast to the way his stomach was squirming.

“Though we should probably start heading upstairs,” Cas pointed out.  They made their way through security and over to the elevators.  Dean's stomach was full of butterflies, and he grabbed hold of Cas’ hand to steady himself.  He felt Cas’ fingers squeeze his tightly, but didn't miss the tremble in his fiance's touch.  Dean wasn't the only one nervous apparently.  Charlie was chatting with Sam about a bridal shower she and Thia were putting together for Jess, and neither of them noticed Cas push the button for the fourth floor, heading to the clerk’s office instead of the third floor and the business licenses.  When they stepped off the elevator, and Dean and Cas started walking towards the sign that said “marriage licenses”, Sam finally noticed something was up.  He frowned turning back to the directory by the elevator to check the floors.

“Aren’t we on the wrong floor?” he asked, looking around.  Charlie looked over at Dean, and Dean felt the heat crawl up his ears and his voice catch in his throat.  Cas realized Dean’s discomfort and spoke up, much to Dean’s relief.

“Sam, your brother and I, we had two appointments today.”  Cas smiled sheepishly, fidgeting in the most adorable way.  “One at ten for his garage and one now… to uh…”  Sam looked between the two of them, brow wrinkled in obvious confusion.

“Oh- _oh_ , guys!” Charlie gasped, understanding Cas’ lack of explanation easily.  She nudged Sam in the arm so hard Sam grunted, a huge beaming grin on her face, eyes wide in surprise.  Sam looked back to Cas, realization starting to dawn on his face.

“We’re getting married.”  Cas said simply.  There was a tense moment of silence between the four of them, and Dean cut through it with a joke.

“And we've got just under five minutes till our appointment, so if we could get inside, that would be awesome,” he said with an awkward chuckle.  Sam took the two steps it took to close the distance between them and wrapped Dean up in a hug so tight he thought his ribs might break.

“You know, Jess is going to _kill_ you guys for getting hitched first,” he laughed, an emotional waiver in his voice.  Charlie had jumped into Cas’ arms, literally hanging from his neck and giggling as he spun her around.

“That’s why we opted for this,” Cas grunted, setting Charlie down.  “No big ceremony, no announcements.  We don't want you guys to keep it a secret, but we don't want a big deal made of it either.”  Cas looked over at Dean, a small smile on his face.  “I think, for us, it's better this way,” he said softly, slipping his hand into Dean’s.  They talked about taking their time with it, holding off and doing a real wedding, when Dean was better and the new garage was stable, but both he and Cas just seemed to _know_.  Neither of them wanted to wait.  Dean smiled back at Cas, then remembered the time and spun on his heel, pulling Cas along behind him.

“I wasn't kidding about needing to hurry,” he called, turning to see Sam and Charlie rushing after them.  As Cas checked them in, Charlie helped Dean get his green bow tie on and straight.

“You would be the one to pick bow ties and not know how to tie them,” she sighed, an amused smile on her face.

“How do _you_ know how to tie one?” Dean asked, watching in amazement as Cas did up his own blue bow tie in a mirror.

“Hello? Nerd?  The Doctor ring any bells?” she sighed, giving his tie one last tug.  She stepped back and smiled.  “Too bad you don't have a fez,” she sighed.

“Um, no,” Dean laughed, checking his reflection in his phone, almost unable to recognize himself through his smile.  “Thanks, Charlie.  For all you've done, for both of us.”  She kissed his cheek.

“It's what I'm here for.  Just go get married already,” she laughed, pushing him towards Cas.  Sam clapped him on the back as he walked by, already pulling out his phone and taking pictures.

The ceremony was short and to the point, and in Dean’s eyes no other ceremony would have been as perfect as what they had there in the courthouse.  When he noticed the moisture in Sam’s eyes, he didn't feel quite as embarrassed about his own happy tears that may or may not have leaked down his own face.

Afterwards, Sam took them out to the nicest steak house in town, and bought everyone lunch.  The entire time, Dean couldn't stop running his thumb over the silver wedding ring on his finger, trying to get used to the feel of it against his skin.  He knew it hadn't hit him yet, that the man sitting to his right was officially his husband.   _Husband_ … Dean rolled the word around in his head, basking in the warm glow nestled in his heart.  He could see it in Cas too, how radiant and happy he was, in spite of the calm, low key way he was acting as they talked and ate.

When lunch was over, goodbyes and teary eyed congratulations were shared between everyone.

“You're officially part of the family now,” Sam said to Cas.  “Welcome, brother,” he added, wrapping him in a brief hug.  Dean didn't miss the briefly overwhelmed look on Cas’ face, but it was gone before either Sam and Charlie saw.  It reminded Dean of one last detail they hadn't shared with Sam yet.

“He is,” Dean pointed out.  “We uh, changed his name.  Castiel Winchester.”  The significance of that wasn't lost on Sam, since he had been there during Michael’s visit, and he shared a meaningful look with his brother as Charlie wrapped Cas in a hug as well.

“You guys are too adorable.  After the bridal shower I am throwing you guys a proper party,” she gushed, releasing Cas and wrapping Dean in a tight hug.  Once she released him, Sam wrapped his arm around Charlie’s shoulders, steering her towards their cars.

“Come on, wedding night and all.  Let them get out of here gracefully,” he said just loud enough for Dean to hear.  Dean flushed scarlet, but couldn't stop his smile.  He grabbed Cas’ hand and practically dragged him to Baby.

“Dean, there’s no hurry,” Cas laughed, stumbling along behind him.  Dean checked that Sam was out of visual range before he pushed Cas by the hips into the side of the car, kissing him hot and fast.

“Isn't there?” he growled.  Cas’ eyes flew wide open and he fumbled for the door handle as Dean rushed around to the driver’s side.  He started the car and forced himself to drive only five over the speed limit through town, not wanting to risk a speeding ticket ruining his day.  His hands were twitching against the wheel as Cas started to run his hand along Dean’s upper thigh as he drove, teasing along the inner seam of his pants, pushing Dean to drive just a bit faster.  By the time he pulls into the driveway and throws the car in park, his pants are growing very uncomfortable.  He’s hardly pulled the keys out of the ignition when Cas is on him, kissing him wet and sloppy, pulling his bow tie undone.

“Mmph, _Cas,_ ” Dean moaned into his lips.  Cas pulled back, grinning wickedly at Dean.

“Come on, husband, let's get inside.”  His voice was thick with sex and Dean felt a pulse of arousal run through him.  He climbed out of the car, rushing around to chase after Cas as he made his way to the front door.  As Cas fumbled with his keys, Dean pressed himself against Cas’ back, nuzzling into his neck.  With a grunt of frustration, Cas finally got his key in the lock, letting them in the house.  As soon as the door shut Cas had Dean pressed against it, his own jacket already off and his hands pushing up under Dean’s jacket.  He let Dean lean forward long enough to get the jacket past his shoulders then slammed him against the door again, lips and teeth moving to his neck as Cas tossed Dean's jacket on the coat rack with his.  Dean ran his right hand into Cas’ hair, his left attempting to pull Cas’ shirt untucked.  His ring caught on the waistband of Cas’ pants, and Dean paused.  It was funny how one tiny piece of metal changed sex to something _more_.  How it changed everything.  

“Cas, baby,” he gasped out.  Hearing the emotion in his voice, Cas paused as well, leaning back to look up at Dean as he ran his hand over Cas’ cheek, smiling softly.

“We’re married,” he said simply.  Cas’ face changed, becoming indescribably beautiful, his eyes shining so brightly.

“Yeah, we are.”  Cas tilted his head in his endearing way.  “How are you today?”

“Better than yesterday,” Dean sighed, pressing his forehead against Cas’.  “I would say I'm as damn near perfect as a person can get, but I'll save that for tomorrow morning,” he hummed.  Cas laughed, kissing Dean softly before pulling away from the door, taking him by the hand and walking upstairs.  They kicked off shoes and pulled off belts as they walked, and when they got to the bedroom, Cas started on the buttons on his shirt.  Dean walked up, replacing Cas’ hands with his own, slowly kissing along his skin as it came exposed.  Cas made short work of Dean’s shirt buttons, sliding his hands over his shoulders to remove it, and tracing along his exposed torso.  He pushed back gently, and Dean fell back onto the bed, bouncing slightly as Cas bent over him, planting his hands on either side of Dean.

They paused for just a moment, green eyes meeting blue, something deeper than words passing between them.  Cas bent his head, lips meeting Dean’s softly.

“I love you,” he breathed.  Dean ran his hand over Cas’ cheek, pulling him down by the chin for another kiss.

“I love you,” Dean said, smiling up at him.  Cas leaned down, teeth and lips latching onto his neck as he lowered his body, his hips locking into place against Dean’s.  Dean let out a breathy moan, his back arching and pushing his chest flush against Cas’.  Cas slid his kisses from Dean’s neck down his body, pausing to suck small marks into Dean’s chest as he went.  Dean fumbled for the lube, blindly managing to find it and slide it down the bed towards Cas.  Cas looked up at Dean, something predatory flashing in his eyes.

“It's been a while for you, hasn't it,” he purred, stopping his kisses at Dean’s navel.  Dean flushed and tried to roll his hips, searching for the friction he craved, but Cas held him still.  It had been a while since their last switch, but Cas seemed to enjoy having Dean on top.  Today though, Dean was craving Cas like a thing possessed.

“Take me, Cas, please.  I _want_ you, babe,” he groaned, attempting to roll his hips again.  Cas continued to hold him still, his smile giving Dean goosebumps.

“You're so beautiful,” Cas cooed, pressing his lips into Dean’s hip, his thumbs rubbing circles against his skin where he was holding Dean still.  Dean flushed deeper, his breath coming in gasps as his body trembled under Cas’ touch, hands fisting the sheets white knuckled.  Cas’ lips slid down to his inner thigh, his tongue tracing lines and patterns against the sensitive skin.  Dean was aching to be touched, but every time Cas came close he would pull away just before, and it was driving Dean insane.  He was making small noises, practically whining each time Cas pulled away.

“Cas, _please,_ ” he begged.  Cas let out a dark chuckle, shifting so he was kneeling between Dean’s thighs.  Dean couldn't help himself, he released the sheets and reached for his erection, but Cas batted his hand away.

“No touching,” he purred, a wolfish grin on his face.  Dean nodded meekly, and Cas leaned forward, kissing him fiercely.  Dean moaned into his mouth, both his hands tugging at Cas’ hair, pulling him close.  Again, his hips rolled, his erection seeking Cas’ body, seeking any kind of touch, but Cas kept himself just out of reach.  He pulled off of Dean’s lips, tugging his bottom lip with his teeth before pulling away.  He chuckled at Dean’s helpless groan as he opened the lube.  “Be still and let me work,” he practically commanded.  Dean nodded again, unable to do much else but let out a breathless moan.  Cas poured some of the liquid out onto his hand, and lifted one of Dean’s legs to his shoulder, wrapping the other around his hip.  “Gonna make it so good for you,” he cooed.  He reached down and slowly pressed the tip of his finger into Dean’s opening.  Dean’s head fell back, his body trembling with the effort to stay still and not push back against Cas’ hand.

Ever so slowly, Cas worked Dean with one finger, spreading the lube around before gently pressing a second inside.  He immediately pushed them both straight into Dean’s prostate, and Dean groaned, his hips unwillingly bucking in response.  Cas started to scissor his fingers, opening Dean up and sliding along that beautifully sensitive spot till he could slide a third finger in with little resistance.  Dean was sweating, moans and gasps trailing in a steady stream from his lips as Cas relentlessly massaged his prostate.

“Be still,” Cas said quietly, as he pulled away slightly from Dean.  When Cas’ fingers left him he unashamedly whined, a choked out cry slipping from his lips as Cas tugged his body closer by his hips.  Dean watched, fingers clenched tight against the sheets, as Cas poured some more lube on himself, running his hand over his length to spread it.  Cas made a show of enjoying himself for Dean’s benefit, and his neglected arousal twitched in response.  His teeth nibbled at his bottom lip as Cas lined himself up, catching Dean’s eyes with his own as he started to push inside.  

“ _Castiel_ ,” Dean moaned, Cas’ hands finally releasing Dean’s hips as he leaned forward, steadying himself against the mattress, allowing Dean to move up to meet him.  Cas grunted as he bottomed out, the sharp line of his hips pressing hard against Dean’s body.

“So perfect, Dean,” Cas moaned, reaching out and sliding his left hand into Dean’s, their rings knocking together as their palms met.  Dean’s right hand slid into Cas’ hair, tugging hard and pulling a grunt from Cas.

“ _Fuck me, please_ ,” Dean gasped meekly.  Cas smirked, sliding nearly all the way out of Dean before slamming home again.  Dean cried out, a wave of pleasure running through his body as Cas slid home.  He started moving at a steady pace, adjusting Dean’s hips until he was striking Dean’s sweet spot every time.  “ _Oh, God yes_ ,” Dean gasped out, his fingernails digging into the back of Cas’ neck.  Cas leaned in to catch Dean’s lips in a kiss, sloppy and open mouthed, as he snapped his hips forward hard.  Cas filled every part of him, physically and emotionally, his entire existence focused on nothing but Cas.  Every nerve in Dean’s body was on fire, and every thrust into his prostate sent electric shocks through him.

“So _fucking_ good, Dean,” Cas groaned, quickening his pace.  Dean kept waiting for the pleasure to even out, to reach a plateau but it all just kept building and building, Cas purring small praises into Dean’s ear as he took him higher and higher.  He was close to his peak, release just lingering at the edge of his reach.

“Cas, babe, so close,” he keened, heat coiling in his gut.

“Come for me, love,” Cas growled, and with one final hard thrust, Dean came harder than he ever had, back arching, toes curling, crying out unashamedly.  Cas rolled his hips into Dean and came almost immediately after, keeping up his smooth rolling motion as he rode out his orgasm.  Cas leaned forward, kissing Dean gently until they both came down from their high.  He pulled out slowly, laying on his side next to Dean, his head on Dean’s chest, his hair that wasn’t standing on end clinging to his sweaty forehead.  Dean huffed a small laugh, running a hand over Cas’ cheek.

“How the hell did you manage that?” he asked breathily.  

“Manage what?” Cas hummed, nuzzling into Dean’s neck.

“You didn’t touch my-my uh…” he stumbled and Cas laughed.

“Little Dean?” he suggested.  Dean smiled.

“Okay, you didn’t touch little Dean, not once that whole time, and that- that had to be the best fucking orgasm I’ve ever had,” he sighed.  Cas shrugged.

“You want me to just leave it a romantic mystery or give you a play by play?” he teased.

“Maybe a hint?” Dean asked, sheepishly.

“When I top, you seem to like me bossing you around a bit,” Cas said casually.  Dean felt an embarrassed heat flood up his already flushed cheeks, a small thrill running through him.  

“You think so, huh?” he tried laughing it off, but Cas just smiled against his skin, laying soft kisses on his neck.

“Mm, that was proof I know so,” he sighed.  Dean wrapped an arm around him, squeezing tightly.

“Well, how does it feel to officially be Castiel Winchester?” Dean asked.  He felt Cas’ smile against his neck.

“I think I’m the happiest man alive,” he sighed happily.  Dean pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you so much, baby.”

“I love you, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you after the next chapter...


	32. [CODA] Our Lives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so this story ends....  
> But where one ends, another begins....
> 
> <3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 32: Our Lives- The Calling  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jWmjfTAyqw  
> Is it love tonight  
> When everyone's dreaming of a better life  
> In this world divided by fear  
> We've gotta believe that there's a reason we're here  
> Yeah, there's a reason we're here
> 
> Cause these are the days worth living  
> These are the years we're given  
> And these are the moments, these are the times  
> Let's make the best out of our lives
> 
> See the truth all around  
> Our faith can be broken and our hands can be bound  
> But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness  
> With nothing to stop us, is it not worth the risk?  
> Yeah, is it not worth the risk?
> 
> Cause these are the days worth living  
> These are the years we're given  
> And these are the moments, these are the times  
> Let's make the best out of our lives  
> Even if hope was shattered I know it wouldn't matter  
> Cause these are the moments, these are the times  
> Let's make the best out of our lives
> 
> We can't go on  
> Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds  
> I've gotta let out what's inside
> 
> Is it love tonight, when everyone's dreaming  
> Can we get it right?  
> Yeah, well can we get it right?
> 
> Cause these are the days worth living  
> These are the years we're given  
> And these are the moments, these are the times  
> Let's make the best out of our lives  
> Even if hope was shattered I know it wouldn't matter  
> Cause these are the moments, these are the times  
> Let's make the best out of our lives

**Three Years Later**

 

Dean was at his office desk at the garage, Winchester’s Restorations, tapping absently against the wood with a pen.  No parts deliveries, no new customers, and no work getting done regardless.  All he was doing was watching the clock on the wall, and it was ticking so very slowly, he began to wonder if the battery needed changing.  He was about to just call it a day and head home, but he knew it would be worse waiting there all on his own.  He and Cas had talked this over, again and again, and every time they both agreed Dean was ready for this, but he still couldn’t stop feeling horribly nervous.

He pulled up the garage website, logging in to update some pictures of the Thunderbird he was halfway through fixing, and scrolled through the comments people had left on some of his other pictures.  It felt good to see that something he loved doing for fun could not only be profitable, but also appreciated by so many other people.  He’d finished scrolling through all the new comments, closing out the website and looking up at the clock, groaning at how little time had passed.

“Unca Dee!  Unca Dee!” came a small voice from his door.  He turned and grinned, his mood brightening exponentially as Jess stepped inside his office, setting her two year old son down to run up to Dean, toddler giggles spilling from him when Dean scooped him up.

“Hey, little man, how are you?” he grunted, lifting the boy into his lap, “man, you are getting big.”

“Mama say Unca Dee need hewp,” he cooed, bouncing excitedly on Dean’s leg.  

“Did she now?  Well, I can’t think of a better helper.”  Dean looked up at Jess as she sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, dropping a diaper bag on the floor next to her.

“I thought you could use a distraction today,” she said quietly, smiling warmly at Dean.  He nodded, a wave of gratitude for her washing through him.    
“I did, thanks,” Dean sighed.  His little nephew, Robbie, was talking to Dean in baby talk, only half understandable, but he was so excited to be visiting Dean at work that it started to rub off on him.  As he watched his nephew, he couldn’t help but smile at how similar he looked to Sam, tufts of dark hair hanging shaggy over his face, his smile tilting in the same way.  Dean was little himself when Sam was this age, but he could still just see images and memories of his brother, playing with Dean’s old toys, laying on a bed somewhere.  Happy memories he’d forgotten he had rising to the surface when Sam had become a father.

Eventually, Robbie got antsy, so Dean let him down, keeping a watchful eye on him as he wandered around the office.

“You okay?” Jess asked.  Dean shrugged, laughing as Robbie stumbled over his own feet, lifting himself up again to keep going.

“I’m about a good as I’m going to get.  There’s only so much I can do to brace myself for this,” he said calmly.  Robbie had found one of Dean’s small toy cars he used as decoration around his office, rolling it around on the floor.  “At this point no amount of talking is going to make me any better.”

“What time do they get back?” she asked.  Dean glanced at the clock, huffing a sigh.

“Two hours, twenty-three minutes.  Give or take.”  He flushed when she raised her eyebrows.  “What?  I’ve got nothing else to do today but wait.”  Dean’s phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket, smiling at the number that popped up.  He made sure Jess had eyes on Robbie before answering.

“Hey, Dean, how are you?”

“Hey, Lydia.”  Jess looked up, interest piqued at the name.  “I’m having a long day.  How about you?”

“I’m great, baby’s great.  I just wanted to let you and Cas know my time for my next ultrasound had to be moved.  We’re an hour earlier, nine instead of ten.”  Dean smiled.

“Still on next tuesday, right?”

“Yep, on Tuesday.  I’ll see you guys then,” she said happily.

“Yep, later,” Dean said, hanging up, unable to keep the smile off his face.  He turned to see Jess standing behind him, holding Robbie who was now chewing on Dean’s car.

“So?” she asked eagerly.  Dean feigned ignorance.

“So what?”

“So that was Lydia,” she pointed out.  “What did she have to say?”  Dean chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Nothing much, just moving up our appointment.”  

“Getting close, you boys getting nervous?” she asked with a smile.

“Of course I’m nervous, I’m about to become a parent.”  Jess looked down at her son, taking the drool covered car from Robbie’s grip and handing it to Dean with an apologetic look.  The removal of the car was causing the beginnings of a tantrum.

“No, Mama I wannit,” he started, his brow furrowing the same way Sam’s did.

“Hey now, don’t yell at your Mama,” Dean said, trading her the car for his nephew, gently lifting him out of Jess’ arms.  He carefully started swinging him around like a plane, heading off the tantrum.  As Robbie giggled at Dean, Jess wiped off the car and returned it to its home on Dean’s shelf.

“You’ve got nothing to be worried about.  You’re going to be great,” she pointed out.  “You’re so wonderful with Robbie.”  Dean smiled warmly at his nephew.

“I hope so.”

“You will be.  Won’t be long now and you’ll be up to your elbows in formula and dirty diapers,” she giggled.

“Yeah, just one month left,” he sighed.  He tickled at Robbie’s belly, drawing more giggles from him.  “One month till you have a little cousin to play with,” he cooed.  Jess smiled warmly at him.

“You got everything set up for little Emma?” she asked.  Dean laughed.

“You should see all the crap Cas has bought, I don’t think there’s any room left in the nursery.”  

“Wow, not even born and she’s already spoiled like crazy,” Jess laughed.  Robbie was starting to squirm again, and she took him back from Dean.  “I better get him home, before we have a meltdown.”  She paused to kiss Dean on the cheek.  “You call us if you need anything, no matter how late,” she said, smiling warmly.  Dean nodded.

“Promise.”  He kissed Robbie on the forehead, waving as they walked out of his office.  He was feeling a bit better, but he still had a couple hours before Cas came back, and he was getting stir crazy sitting in his office.  He locked up, walking down the hallway that connected his garage to Singer’s Supplies.  Nick was at the counter, and waved when Dean walked up.

“Headed out boss?”

“Yeah, I think I might.  Take my calls?”  Nick nodded and Dean made his way out to Baby, climbing in and driving off.  Instead of going home, he drove around the town for a bit, just to keep his head clear and his nerves calm.  There was nothing like being behind the wheel of his Baby that helped to clear his head and calm his nerves.  He stopped by the store on his way back towards the house, picking up ingredients for some pie, figuring he deserved a little splurging.  In a month their surrogate, Lydia, was going to give birth to their daughter, and he wouldn’t have the energy or the time to make himself a homemade pie.  He had just pulled into the driveway when his phone rang.  He checked the caller ID and smiled.

“Hey, Cas.  Everything alright?” he asked, grabbing the reusable shopping bag with one hand as he made his way to the door.

“Everything’s fine.  We’ll actually be back a little sooner than expected.”  Dean held his phone with his shoulder, unlocking the front door and attempting to ignore the flutter of butterflies in his gut.

“I spoke to Lydia, our appointment has been moved up next Tuesday.”

“Oh, okay.  Works out a bit better, actually, Ellen wanted us over early for Jo’s graduation party.”  Dean nodded, putting the groceries away one handed.

“Alright then.”  He finished and leaned on the counter, just holding the silent phone to his ear.  It was amazing to Dean that Cas just knew, even over the phone, when Dean needed a moment to think.  “Cas, we’re t-minus one month, man.”  He heard a soft chuckle over the phone.

“I know, Dean.  I hope… I know she’s going to look just like you.”  Dean blushed and laughed.

“Well, for our next one, you get to make the donation.  I want to see a mini you running around the house.”  

“The next one?” Cas asked, a soft giggle in his voice.  Dean shrugged, even though Cas couldn’t see.

“Yeah, the next one,” he repeated confidently.  

“Alright, then.  But maybe once Emma is out of diapers, okay?” Cas said, and Dean could hear the smile in his voice.

“Deal.”  He hears a voice on Cas’ end of the phone.

“Alright, we’re getting in the car now.  See you soon, babe.”

“Love you, Cas.”

“Love you more,” he said, hanging up.  Dean smiled at his phone, walking upstairs to their daughter’s nursery.  He pushed the door open, looking around at the room his baby would be sleeping in soon.  Cas had set up the crib they’d bought, all on his own, one day when Dean took Robbie and Sam out to lunch and a football game at Duke University.  They’d put together the changing table and the dresser together, and Ellen had bought them a beautiful rocking chair.  Everything was done in pastels of all shades, blues, greens, yellows, purples, pinks.  At first Dean was sure it would be an overcolored mess, but Charlie and Cas had managed to get all the colors to blend together into something beautiful.  He sat in the rocker, scrubbing his hand over his face.  There was a stack of diaper packages almost as tall as the changing table already, the dresser was full to the brim with clothes and towels; they had all they were probably going to need for at least the first three months.  But that wasn’t what made the room feel complete for Dean.  On the dresser there were a couple empty frames for once she was born, one frame with a picture of him and Cas on their anniversary last year, and one large group photo of their small extended family: Charlie, Thia, Sam, Jess, Robbie, Ellen, and Jo.  

“We love you so much already, Emma, and no one’s even met you yet,” he sighed to the empty room.  His phone buzzed with a text, and when he pulled it out it was from Lydia, a selfie of her in the mirror, a hand on her belly with the caption: _She’s kicking up a storm today!_ Dean laughed, replying with a happy face emoji, and he heard the front door unlock.

Immediately his nerves kicked back into gear, but he took a few deep breaths and made his way to the stairs slowly, walking down towards the voices in the kitchen, stopping just inside the doorway.  Cas walked up with a nervous smile, giving Dean a quick hug, but all of Dean’s attention was on the man behind Cas.

“Hello, Dean,” he said, offering a hand to shake but making no other moves.  He had aged in the few short years Dean had seen him, a little more grey in his hair, and slightly heavier shoulders, but his smile was genuine.  Dean set his jaw, looking at Cas.  This was two years in the making, he didn’t want to screw this up for his husband.  Cas gave him a small smile and a nod, so Dean took the two steps forward to close the distance and took the man’s hand, shaking it firmly.

“Hello, Gabriel,” he said.  “Cas told me your daughter had an event up at Duke today, Aliyah, right?” he said casually.  Immediately the tension in the room eased, he could almost see Gabriel’s muscles relax, and as he relaxed, so did Dean.

“Yeah, she’s thinking about going to school there in a few years.  It was a college interest meeting for high school freshman.”  Dean nodded, grabbing himself a soda out of the fridge and offering one to Gabriel.  “How’s your baby girl?” he asked.

“Doing good,” Dean said with a small nod.  He felt the small smile reach his lips.  “Thank you, for everything, by the way.”  Gabriel raised his soda can in a toast.

“Least I can do,” he said simply, leaving the ‘ _to make up for what I did to Cas_ ’ implied.  When Cas had told Dean he was going to meet with Gabriel two years ago, Dean had thought he was nuts, but as time wore on Dean began to realize, through Cas’ recaps of their visits, that Gabe had been just as victimized as Castiel growing up, and as children do, he had lashed out at Cas, because he was the only one Gabe could boss around.  As the year went on, they met more and more often, and through Cas Dean was starting to forgive him for his part in Cas’ rough life.  Gabriel was removing himself from both Raphael and Michael, personally and professionally, and as he repaired his relationship with Cas, Cas decided to help him arrange visits with his daughter.  Once Cas backed up Gabe’s story about how he was distancing himself from his brothers, Kali finally decided to let him meet her.  Over the past two years he had been nothing but helpful and supportive of them, and Dean knew that, no matter what Cas had said, having at least one of his brothers in his life had made a marked difference on him.

Today, however, was the first time Dean had seen him in person since Michael’s visit, and it had taken him and Cas the better part of three months to work Dean up to it, talking through his worries about flashbacks with success .  Now that the moment was here, and their night wore on into dinner, Dean forgot what he had been so worried about.  Gabe was funny, charming, and now that he wasn’t around his brothers. strangely calm and gentle.  Sam texted about halfway through the night to make sure Dean was okay, and it was an oddly proud moment for Dean being able to send a text back saying: _We’re good, getting along great._  A few texts later and they had plans for Sam and Jess to properly meet Gabriel later that week.

After dinner, and hours of story telling and talking, Gabriel stood to leave.

“I think I’ve imposed on your hospitality long enough, bro,” he sighed.  Cas shook his head.

“You can stay if you want,” he insisted.

“You’re not an imposition, you’re family,” Dean said quietly.  Cas’ gazed moved to Dean’s quickly, a huge smile on his face that brought a tinge of red to the tips of Dean’s ears.  Gabriel chuckled, reaching out and shaking Dean’s hand.

“Thank you,” he said simply, “I mean it.  But I’ve got a long drive ahead of me tomorrow, better get some sleep.”  Cas walked him to the door as Dean cleaned up what little mess was left from their snacks and dinner.  Dean heard the door close, and when he turned he suddenly found himself with arms full of Cas.

“I am so proud of you,” he breathed, and Dean felt a smile on his shoulder where his head was buried.  Dean kissed the top of his head.

“Me too, Cas.”  Cas tilted his head back to smile up at Dean, and Dean ran his hands over his cheeks.  “That went way better than I expected,” he laughed.  Cas kissed him.

“After all we’ve been through to be able to forgive Gabe… It means a lot, Dean,” he sighed.  Dean squeezed him.

“Anything for Papa,” he teased.  Cas laughed.

“Papa, huh?  So you’re Daddy then?”  They had been having this argument for a few weeks now, going back and forth.  Dean leaned in and kissed Cas firmly.

“I could be,” Dean said suggestively, and Cas kissed him again, running a hand over the back of his neck.  

“I have something for you,” he said, pulling on Dean’s hand and walking him upstairs.  

“What for?” Dean asked.

“I’m not allowed to just buy my husband a gift?” he asked.  He made his way into the office, turning on the desk lamp and searching in the top drawer for a moment before finding what he was looking for.  

“Not without your husband getting a little suspicious,” Dean said, crossing his arms to give weight to his statement.  Cas turned over the small box in his hands.

“I just, I was thinking about Emma coming, and how we’d gotten here.  I guess I just got a little… sentimental.”  Cas flushed, and he handed the box to Dean.  Dean opened it, and felt his brow furrow in confusion.

“It’s an iPod,” he pointed out.  Cas rolled his eyes, smiling at Dean.

“Unlock it,” he said impatiently.  When Dean swiped the unlock bar to the side it prompted for a passcode.  He looked over at Cas, then, without asking, entered their anniversary.  When the home screen opened up he kissed Cas’ cheek.

“Predictable,” he chuckled.  He looked at the screen, all that was on it was the music app and the notes app.  The wallpaper was a picture of a handwritten note from Cas telling Dean to open the notes app first.  He looked up at Cas, who blushed but nodded at the iPod eagerly.

“Go on,” he said with a grin.  Dean opened up the notes app, and there was one note saved on the device.  The title read: This is our songbook.  Dean opened the note and skimmed through.  There was a list of song titles, followed by the artist name, and underneath each one a small caption.  

_This was playing at Angels and Demons the first time we kissed._

_This reminds me of that night on the beach at St. Augustine._

_This helped me heal after my brothers came to see me._

_This is what was playing in the car when we found out Lydia was pregnant._

Dean was speechless.  He read through the entire list, till he got to the bottom.  The caption on the last song read:   _This makes me think of our adventures yet to come_.

He opened the music app, and sure enough, every song that Cas had put in the note about their lives up to that point was right there on the iPod already.  He scrolled through until he found that last song Cas had mentioned in his list, pressing play and letting the music fill the silence.

“So?” Cas asked softly.  Dean blinked, and felt tears run down his cheeks.

“Cas, this is… I can’t…”

“There’s a quote by Victor Hugo, ‘Music expresses that which cannot be said, and on which it is impossible to keep silent’,” Cas said breathily, smiling through small tears of his own.  Dean nodded, and he gave up on making words work, wrapping his husband up tightly in his arms as the music played in the background.

 

_“Cause these are the days worth living_

_These are the years we're given_

_And these are the moments, these are the times_

_Let's make the best out of our lives”_

 

“I love you, Dean Winchester.”  Dean pressed his forehead against Cas’, smiling through his happy tears as he thought of everything they were going to do, everything he had the chance to have because of the man in his arms.

“I love you, Castiel Winchester.”

Together they walked, hand in hand, out of the office.  

Hand in hand, they walked into the rest of their lives.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am crying happy tears right now.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I'll see you in December!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave some Kudos and Comments! I love hearing what you all think!


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